(no subject)
once again i'm letting everyone know that old navy has permeated and is controlling almost every aspect of my life. the company will suck the will to live out of you slowly over time, and you will come to enjoy it. they're crafty. stay away while you still have the power to.
i am 20. i have experienced my "HOLY SHIT I"M OLD and crazy and why am i not married and having babies on our rich farm manor" crisis that i knew i would have. i have survived. at least for now. (that crisis emerged from my love to read historical fiction as a child. all those books about 14 year old getting married has permenatly demented my view of marriage and other various life stages.)
october 30th-november 3rd i'll be down in pennsylvania visiting misty! i've been going on for a year about how i'm going to visit her, and i figured i would actually do it now before i just move back in to go to school. this is also my little test, my confirmation that i'm making the proper decision with my life. i'm probably going to cry while i'm walking from the east falls train stop to the school. and to add to those tears, misty is an RA in my partridge, my precious and retarded partridge. hello memory city. i'm exceptionally excited. 71 days.
over the past week i've been feeling rather antisocial. not for the typical reasons (anxiety, depression, nerdiness), but rather becasue i want to be lost in my daydreams. since i was a small child, my method for dealing with thoughts i did not want to think about completely and honestly in their raw form was to daydream about them. i build little scenerios, and my dream self works through them. i play the scenes over and over again in my head with various starters and resolutions. it's the most easy to digest method, especially when i'm thinking about something i'd rather avoid. this week it was sean. we broke up in february. i've since gotten over that hurt, moved on, and come to terms with the fact that i will always love him. this week has been different though...where before i couldn't see myself dating him or anyone else for that matter, now i can picture myself growing old with a different guy. i can actually see and feel how it'll be at Philau going to parties, getting coffee, holding hands, studying, sitting next to in class...all wiht another guy. these thoughts terrified me at first; i felt like i had betrayed him in some way. but now i've realized i'm still only hurting myself here. he's a fucking mess. his problems are hurting him, but i'm holding on to them and letting them hurt me too. i have no obligations to him anymore. i have only to hold true to my statement of always being there for him if he needs anything. i know i'll never stop loving him, but now i must accept that i won't always be in love with him.
i am 20. i have experienced my "HOLY SHIT I"M OLD and crazy and why am i not married and having babies on our rich farm manor" crisis that i knew i would have. i have survived. at least for now. (that crisis emerged from my love to read historical fiction as a child. all those books about 14 year old getting married has permenatly demented my view of marriage and other various life stages.)
october 30th-november 3rd i'll be down in pennsylvania visiting misty! i've been going on for a year about how i'm going to visit her, and i figured i would actually do it now before i just move back in to go to school. this is also my little test, my confirmation that i'm making the proper decision with my life. i'm probably going to cry while i'm walking from the east falls train stop to the school. and to add to those tears, misty is an RA in my partridge, my precious and retarded partridge. hello memory city. i'm exceptionally excited. 71 days.
over the past week i've been feeling rather antisocial. not for the typical reasons (anxiety, depression, nerdiness), but rather becasue i want to be lost in my daydreams. since i was a small child, my method for dealing with thoughts i did not want to think about completely and honestly in their raw form was to daydream about them. i build little scenerios, and my dream self works through them. i play the scenes over and over again in my head with various starters and resolutions. it's the most easy to digest method, especially when i'm thinking about something i'd rather avoid. this week it was sean. we broke up in february. i've since gotten over that hurt, moved on, and come to terms with the fact that i will always love him. this week has been different though...where before i couldn't see myself dating him or anyone else for that matter, now i can picture myself growing old with a different guy. i can actually see and feel how it'll be at Philau going to parties, getting coffee, holding hands, studying, sitting next to in class...all wiht another guy. these thoughts terrified me at first; i felt like i had betrayed him in some way. but now i've realized i'm still only hurting myself here. he's a fucking mess. his problems are hurting him, but i'm holding on to them and letting them hurt me too. i have no obligations to him anymore. i have only to hold true to my statement of always being there for him if he needs anything. i know i'll never stop loving him, but now i must accept that i won't always be in love with him.