Why does it still hurt?
He's with Carrie, I'm with Joe. We're separated, we've broken up and it's not going to happen again. I've accepted all this. But why does it still hurt? I was crying when we drove him home that night. I'm crying now. I read his journal entries when he talks about her and then go back to the letters he wrote me and say, "He used to say that about me. He used to love me." I thought I've moved on, you know? I thought I got over him, I thought that it didn't matter anymore. Goddess, how wrong I was. I was looking at pictures of the two of us together... I was looking at how happy I was and I couldn't believe I let that go. I've written so many poems for him, even after he was gone... it's not fair. I was over him. Then we kissed. Then he held me again. Then I loved him again. All my friends are out to beat him because I hurt so much, but it's not his fault. Sure, it was his choice to leave, but I made him leave. "She's such a sweet girl, too good for me..." he used to say that about me. And now it's Carrie. I've never even met the girl, and I'm sure she's sweet... but I hate her. With an unbridled passion I hate her. I hate her because he cares for her. I hate her because he cares for her, and not me.
I'm glad I saved myself for you
You see, I care so much
All because of your gentle touch.
Where did I come from?
God, I don't know...
Somewhere, some place...
I forget if I come or go.
But I'm staying with you,
No matter what may happen.
I'd climb mountains, swim seas...
Just to see your soft smile.
It approaches with caution
But I'm fully aware
That when I brush back your hair
Staring straight into your eyes,
That you will bring down the heavens
With your beautiful smiles.
It's nothing special
But you wear it so well.
I save you from your nightmare,
and you rescued me from my Hell.
With but a smile
Your soul fills me.
So at night I lie awake
And wish you were there...
by my side,
in my arms,
with my stare.
The stare and the smirk
that fills me with care.
As I sit and watch you
and brush back your hair.
So truly I am
proud of my love
that I could save
myself for such a sweet dove.
-Cory R. Simmons
He said he'd never leave. He told me he wouldn't go. Everyone's left me. I'm alone. I'm here rotting away in Maryland... the part that hurts the most is that he promised he'd come back and be with me when we're 18. But he's going to Tibet. That's all love is, a bunch of broken promises. I've always wished that I could read his thoughts... that I knew his logic. Then maybe that'd hurt less because it wouldn't be such a mystery. I know you're reading this, Cory. And I also know that I said it was no big deal. But it is a big deal. Do you have any idea how much of an impact you've had on my life?
Cory, 3:18 PM on 10/10/01:
You called me a bitch..
You're so cute.
Err. Cut!
(have a girlfriend, have a girlfriend) ^_^
What?! I just wish you'd tell me about this... tell me where we stand so I know where to go. I'm running in place, same shit every day. God damn you for making me fall in love with you... you're the only guy I've ever cried over. Do you know how degrading that is?? I've always prided myself on being in control of my emotions, but oh, no, when you come up here... poof, I'm a weeping mess all over again. It's just not fair! Why can't I get over you? Hm? I wish we'd talked about it that night, but you were too upset... everything you'd have said would have been out of anger and I can't deal with that. Sigh. I can't blame you. I guess it was my fault you left. If only I stood up to my mother... if only I was then how I am now... would we still be together? Cory, I felt passion, ardor... and pain in that kiss. Such longing... do you know I cried in front of my father? And you know I never do that. There was that momentary glimpse of hope that maybe you still loved me, but I guess I was foolish to think so. I'm sorry if I'm giving you a guilt trip. I don't mean to... I just need to spill this... and I need to know where you stand with me... Cory...
Have you really let me go?
I mean, it's not like I'll kill myself if he has, but just like with Kimo, he's toying with my emotions and I get that enough from myself. This isn't fair to me, leaving me to wonder all the time, curious if he still loves me, really, now... is it so unreasonable to quell my worries and just to tell me a simple yes or no? I'm not exactly asking for him back--- though it seems like that. Mom and Dad are happier with he and I just being friends... and what makes Mom and Dad makes me happy... but that's what got me into this mess. And now Carrie and Cory (how cheesy...) are having the same problem and Cory's gonna run to his training like he always does. Needless to say, I'm annoyed.
I'm tired of all this. All I want is a simply answer... sick of this bullshit.
I'm glad I saved myself for you
You see, I care so much
All because of your gentle touch.
Where did I come from?
God, I don't know...
Somewhere, some place...
I forget if I come or go.
But I'm staying with you,
No matter what may happen.
I'd climb mountains, swim seas...
Just to see your soft smile.
It approaches with caution
But I'm fully aware
That when I brush back your hair
Staring straight into your eyes,
That you will bring down the heavens
With your beautiful smiles.
It's nothing special
But you wear it so well.
I save you from your nightmare,
and you rescued me from my Hell.
With but a smile
Your soul fills me.
So at night I lie awake
And wish you were there...
by my side,
in my arms,
with my stare.
The stare and the smirk
that fills me with care.
As I sit and watch you
and brush back your hair.
So truly I am
proud of my love
that I could save
myself for such a sweet dove.
-Cory R. Simmons
He said he'd never leave. He told me he wouldn't go. Everyone's left me. I'm alone. I'm here rotting away in Maryland... the part that hurts the most is that he promised he'd come back and be with me when we're 18. But he's going to Tibet. That's all love is, a bunch of broken promises. I've always wished that I could read his thoughts... that I knew his logic. Then maybe that'd hurt less because it wouldn't be such a mystery. I know you're reading this, Cory. And I also know that I said it was no big deal. But it is a big deal. Do you have any idea how much of an impact you've had on my life?
Cory, 3:18 PM on 10/10/01:
You called me a bitch..
You're so cute.
Err. Cut!
(have a girlfriend, have a girlfriend) ^_^
What?! I just wish you'd tell me about this... tell me where we stand so I know where to go. I'm running in place, same shit every day. God damn you for making me fall in love with you... you're the only guy I've ever cried over. Do you know how degrading that is?? I've always prided myself on being in control of my emotions, but oh, no, when you come up here... poof, I'm a weeping mess all over again. It's just not fair! Why can't I get over you? Hm? I wish we'd talked about it that night, but you were too upset... everything you'd have said would have been out of anger and I can't deal with that. Sigh. I can't blame you. I guess it was my fault you left. If only I stood up to my mother... if only I was then how I am now... would we still be together? Cory, I felt passion, ardor... and pain in that kiss. Such longing... do you know I cried in front of my father? And you know I never do that. There was that momentary glimpse of hope that maybe you still loved me, but I guess I was foolish to think so. I'm sorry if I'm giving you a guilt trip. I don't mean to... I just need to spill this... and I need to know where you stand with me... Cory...
Have you really let me go?
I mean, it's not like I'll kill myself if he has, but just like with Kimo, he's toying with my emotions and I get that enough from myself. This isn't fair to me, leaving me to wonder all the time, curious if he still loves me, really, now... is it so unreasonable to quell my worries and just to tell me a simple yes or no? I'm not exactly asking for him back--- though it seems like that. Mom and Dad are happier with he and I just being friends... and what makes Mom and Dad makes me happy... but that's what got me into this mess. And now Carrie and Cory (how cheesy...) are having the same problem and Cory's gonna run to his training like he always does. Needless to say, I'm annoyed.
I'm tired of all this. All I want is a simply answer... sick of this bullshit.