(no subject)
In so many ways this alleviates a huge weight that I've been wrestling with since December(?). But on the other hand, I realize that I've lost my Number 1 Supporter. I realize that I've lost it all.
You see. In life, you do what will protect yourself. In this case, I told you only half of the truth, to protect myself. But at the same time. Think about it from this perspective. If I had told you the truth. That he woke up at 8am to go to church because he thought my parents didn't like him, that we spent neerly all that week together, that at the time, I was falling in love with him, do you honestly think we would have been through everything that we have since I first told you. Do you honestly think you'de have forgiven me?
I realize. Trust me, I realize, that lieing probably wasn't the best, most definatly wasn't the smartest thing to do in the situation, but. I did. I didn't tell you everything. And it drove me absolutly insane. And I can imagine your taking pleasure in that. I can imagine you're now wishing this upon me. But, Christina, you've been my best friend for what seems forever. I can't imagine myself without you. I really can't.
I screwed up. Bad. I do it alot, too. But. That's me. That's what I've succumed to. Screwing up is all I know how to do recently. But knowing that I have you guys to back me up when I screw up like I do, is what made me tell Scarlett what I had done. It's what made me tell you what I was doing Thursday. It's what keeps me going.
And hell yeah you deserve to be rediculously mad at me right now. Hell yeah you deserve not to trust me again. And hell yeah you owe me a few choice words about everything. But hell yeah I don't know how to show you how much I'm sorry.
Christina. I love you so much. And I won't ever stop. You're an amazing person. You've overcome so much in your life. You've conquered so much. You're an amazing friend. You're there when someone needs you. And you try so hard to fix everything.
But please realize you mess up too. Granted not as big as this. Because I know the 'boy line' is one never to be crossed. Is one that's hard to forgive. But. I can't take it back. If I could, I promice I would. But I can't. Yes, I loved him. But it was past. Yes, the other month I did think I was still in love with him. I mean, you must have read that post. It's not like it wasn't obvious. But with that post, realize that that's what it was. He was someone I could bear my soul to, and he got it.
Christina, Stini, Chris, Stina, I'm sorry. Please, please, forgive me?