(no subject)
I'd like to say I'm normal, like to say that I'm not worried about body image anymore and that I'm passed eating issues but now that I am faced with getting on a scale at the doctor again in a month for my yearly physical I'm freaking if what the paper said last year was right and it wasn't a mistake I'm considered overweight wearing 12's that fall off and 10's comfortably again? I need to find a way to have her submit it to insurance and to have them not post it on the website and not let them put it on anything they send me.. i still count every calorie but still eat the ice cream at night, my face is still furry because I don't get enough fat in or so I'm told but I can see if I find out what I weigh and it's anything close to what I'm terrified it is I'll resort to yet again anything i can to drop whatever I need to until I'm comfortable with me.
The inner demon isn't really gone it sucks. Today I went to lunch, figured it out and will have taken in about 1200-1300 calories today, normal for a weight loss plan for most people I try to stay no more than 1100 a day though. Granted with the ice cream he gives me at night it looks like it's gotten to be well over a cup but if that is the only fat I eat aside from dry Shredded Mini Wheats in the AM it shouldn't be so drastic.
I hate myself, still hate myself, wish I didn't but I'm back to being disgusted with how I look even though everyone tells me I don't look bad I don't see it. I'd like the 2's back, the one time I got into them I was as close to my body shutting down as ever but pathetic as it seems I'd still much rather take that than 10's. =( If I refuse the physical I will up our insurance 2000 a year which can't happen of course. None of my clothing is tight and I'm still doing insanity daily and running when I can anywhere from 30-90 a day. I'm my own worst enemy. Always have been always will be.
The inner demon isn't really gone it sucks. Today I went to lunch, figured it out and will have taken in about 1200-1300 calories today, normal for a weight loss plan for most people I try to stay no more than 1100 a day though. Granted with the ice cream he gives me at night it looks like it's gotten to be well over a cup but if that is the only fat I eat aside from dry Shredded Mini Wheats in the AM it shouldn't be so drastic.
I hate myself, still hate myself, wish I didn't but I'm back to being disgusted with how I look even though everyone tells me I don't look bad I don't see it. I'd like the 2's back, the one time I got into them I was as close to my body shutting down as ever but pathetic as it seems I'd still much rather take that than 10's. =( If I refuse the physical I will up our insurance 2000 a year which can't happen of course. None of my clothing is tight and I'm still doing insanity daily and running when I can anywhere from 30-90 a day. I'm my own worst enemy. Always have been always will be.