(no subject)
I'm cold. Today was long and really pretty bad. I also feel like I've been in this fog for the past 48 hours, I think I'm overtired. It is no surprise that this semester has gotten to a hectic and stressful start. I have 75 residents to take care of, a literal ton of reading, and I just feel like I never have a freaking second.I need to change this pace because this entry is already getting off to a boring start.
Lately I have been feeling the need and the desire more and more to just completely let this strength down that I always put up. I have never felt a stronger desire in my life to be taken care of. I feel like I always do the thinking and the caring, and I feel so tired. It sounds so unbelievably selfish but I just can't do it anymore. I feel so tired and so unable to handle that burden anymore. And I still think to myself so incredibly often, why is it that I've never found someone who wants to do it? I'm overtly aware of the fact that it's a 50/50 thing and you both care for each other, yes I get that. But I have never actually gotten any of that literally. No one I've dated has ever been emotionally capable of anything close to that. I just feel so out of it, so much older beyond my age, so boring and so outside of that realm. It bothers me to say it, but a part of me really wants to be babied. I never get that. I've been thinking about my favorite movies, (Amelie, Once, Secretary, Eternal Sunshine in particular) and I just want to be taken care of so badly. I feel like I'm getting to a point where I may need it. Everyone is selfish at this age, and if this is my thing then whatever. I'm just don't want to feel alone anymore. I am such a prisoner to my brain. I don't know many other people who think as much as I do. I overthink, I question, I overanalyze, I assume, and I get upset when there no legitimate facts. This will never go away. I am convinced that certain songs I truly love will mean more to me than actual people will. Because in my adult life I really haven't experienced anything different to prove it wrong. I've been feeling sad lately if you didn't know.
My dad goes into surgery this friday. I'm a little scared. They're sticking a tube full of iodine through his arteries and into his brain so they can get a clearer picture of his aneurysm. I don't know what I can actually handle anymore.
I will tell you this. These are things I've been needing to get off my chest. One, and this will really only make sense for those of you who have seen The Dark Knight, there is a moment in that movie that is so unbelievably poetic and beautiful that it restores a small amount of faith in the ability for new movies to salvage artistic integrity. There is a scene in which the Joker is driving a cop car away from whatever evil caper he just pulled off, I don't remember what it was, and there is some voiceover and it's quiet, and you see a silent scene of the joker driving and swirving as he pulls himself half way out the car and just pushes his face upwards towards the sky as if this is some orgasmic, spiritual experience. That one scene was pure art for me, so incredibly beautiful.
Two. I had a poetic experience the last time I was home. I was driving down the backroads to my house and it was dusk outside (favorite time of day thank you) and I had my arm out the window and I glanced at my side mirror and the just the quiet image of my arm and the duskiness and the music playing was a really vivid moment for me. I am really conceited, look what I'm doing here.
Three, and most important. I went to the movies this weekend and saw Wall-E for the second time, and I am not even kidding you, I have never cried so much during a movie before in my life I think. I am willing to sound like an unbelievably dork, but that movie hits me very deeply. So long story short I want to go see it again and cry some more.
Help me.
Lately I have been feeling the need and the desire more and more to just completely let this strength down that I always put up. I have never felt a stronger desire in my life to be taken care of. I feel like I always do the thinking and the caring, and I feel so tired. It sounds so unbelievably selfish but I just can't do it anymore. I feel so tired and so unable to handle that burden anymore. And I still think to myself so incredibly often, why is it that I've never found someone who wants to do it? I'm overtly aware of the fact that it's a 50/50 thing and you both care for each other, yes I get that. But I have never actually gotten any of that literally. No one I've dated has ever been emotionally capable of anything close to that. I just feel so out of it, so much older beyond my age, so boring and so outside of that realm. It bothers me to say it, but a part of me really wants to be babied. I never get that. I've been thinking about my favorite movies, (Amelie, Once, Secretary, Eternal Sunshine in particular) and I just want to be taken care of so badly. I feel like I'm getting to a point where I may need it. Everyone is selfish at this age, and if this is my thing then whatever. I'm just don't want to feel alone anymore. I am such a prisoner to my brain. I don't know many other people who think as much as I do. I overthink, I question, I overanalyze, I assume, and I get upset when there no legitimate facts. This will never go away. I am convinced that certain songs I truly love will mean more to me than actual people will. Because in my adult life I really haven't experienced anything different to prove it wrong. I've been feeling sad lately if you didn't know.
My dad goes into surgery this friday. I'm a little scared. They're sticking a tube full of iodine through his arteries and into his brain so they can get a clearer picture of his aneurysm. I don't know what I can actually handle anymore.
I will tell you this. These are things I've been needing to get off my chest. One, and this will really only make sense for those of you who have seen The Dark Knight, there is a moment in that movie that is so unbelievably poetic and beautiful that it restores a small amount of faith in the ability for new movies to salvage artistic integrity. There is a scene in which the Joker is driving a cop car away from whatever evil caper he just pulled off, I don't remember what it was, and there is some voiceover and it's quiet, and you see a silent scene of the joker driving and swirving as he pulls himself half way out the car and just pushes his face upwards towards the sky as if this is some orgasmic, spiritual experience. That one scene was pure art for me, so incredibly beautiful.
Two. I had a poetic experience the last time I was home. I was driving down the backroads to my house and it was dusk outside (favorite time of day thank you) and I had my arm out the window and I glanced at my side mirror and the just the quiet image of my arm and the duskiness and the music playing was a really vivid moment for me. I am really conceited, look what I'm doing here.
Three, and most important. I went to the movies this weekend and saw Wall-E for the second time, and I am not even kidding you, I have never cried so much during a movie before in my life I think. I am willing to sound like an unbelievably dork, but that movie hits me very deeply. So long story short I want to go see it again and cry some more.
Help me.