(no subject)
Friday morning. I've been off of work since 4pm yesterday and have been walking around in a sort of haze. I am not sure if its a general malaise, if I am getting a cold, or if its all of the above combined with wacky sleep things going on. There has been an awful lot on my mind, things that I cannot seem to wrap my brain around, or come to any conclusion about. I'd like to blame it all on the seemingly endless last weeks of winter, but in all honesty I don't think thats really it.
I won't mince words. I have already identified the problem. The oppressive, horrible feeling of being so trapped. And the anger that comes with it, knowing that it was my choices that have put me exactly where I am. Its a very powerless feeling I get, when there is nothing I can do immediately to relieve some of the feeling. Even a little relief would be welcome. It seems that the only place that I feel that is when I am working on my art. But I seem to have so much in the way of that; financial constraints, chores and responsibilities that must be accomplished first, and in the empty hours when it would be possible to work...the lack of energy.
I keep wondering if my ambition for my art is too high. I suppose all creative people struggle with this at some point. Or I think they do.
The other stressors in my life are stressors merely because they are drudgery. Work, and school namely. Work is easier since I know how to do my job, and its just the office politics that I need to navigate (which I by no means am downplaying here...these people are really game players), and school? No matter what, I can't seem to put my heart into it. I cannot seem to make myself care. May be I'll fail out and that will solve the problem. But we all know I would never let that happen. Deep down inside the heart of the perfectionist still beats, the approval seeker still resides. I just can't find her right now.
So many people in my life are dealing with tumultuous situations. And here I am, quietly dealing with my own uncertainty. One day making the decision to bow my head down and plow through, the next feeling determined that I have somehow missed an option that is available, like some strange detour off the side of the road that I am currently on. Then a few days of throwing my hands up and taking to my bed, immobile to and incapable of acceptance.
I won't mince words. I have already identified the problem. The oppressive, horrible feeling of being so trapped. And the anger that comes with it, knowing that it was my choices that have put me exactly where I am. Its a very powerless feeling I get, when there is nothing I can do immediately to relieve some of the feeling. Even a little relief would be welcome. It seems that the only place that I feel that is when I am working on my art. But I seem to have so much in the way of that; financial constraints, chores and responsibilities that must be accomplished first, and in the empty hours when it would be possible to work...the lack of energy.
I keep wondering if my ambition for my art is too high. I suppose all creative people struggle with this at some point. Or I think they do.
The other stressors in my life are stressors merely because they are drudgery. Work, and school namely. Work is easier since I know how to do my job, and its just the office politics that I need to navigate (which I by no means am downplaying here...these people are really game players), and school? No matter what, I can't seem to put my heart into it. I cannot seem to make myself care. May be I'll fail out and that will solve the problem. But we all know I would never let that happen. Deep down inside the heart of the perfectionist still beats, the approval seeker still resides. I just can't find her right now.
So many people in my life are dealing with tumultuous situations. And here I am, quietly dealing with my own uncertainty. One day making the decision to bow my head down and plow through, the next feeling determined that I have somehow missed an option that is available, like some strange detour off the side of the road that I am currently on. Then a few days of throwing my hands up and taking to my bed, immobile to and incapable of acceptance.