on NOT having a good time
I woke up in a bad mood this morning. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons. The biggest one is probably that I didn't get adequate sleep last night. My fault completely. But the others? Not so much.
-Completely and utterly disgusted that I have three more semesters to go to get a degree that I no longer want to achieve. Also adding fuel to this fire is the fact that were I a "normal" student changing majors would not be a big deal...but I am locked into this course of study due to the nature of my financial aid.
-I am feeling isolated and lonely. I do not have any friends at school besides my programming prof, who is not really a friend...more like an adviser in addition to my mentor. I do not have any friends at work. That was oh-so-apparent at the staff appreciation lunch where I struggled through strained conversation with the three people sitting closest to me. I have not seen my best friend in awhile where we both were not in turmoil. I spoke to my sister last night on the phone and I realized that I am missing all this growing up my niece and nephew are doing, missing my mother, and my sister...family. As much as Chris's parents have welcomed me into their family, I don't feel really involved with them, if that makes sense. I miss my PA friends. A lot. Time and distance puts such a strain on a relationship in the best of circumstances. So, yeah. Lonely and isolated.
-Dissatisfied with my time constraints to do the things that enrich my soul. Like relax, make art, etc.
-Mad that getting my ETSY shop started has been taking so long. Limited (read: non existent) resources to get things off the ground piss me off. And that I see no real fast solution to the problem.
I am stumbling a bit here. Under normal circumstances, I am able to not focus on these unpleasant truths, and just tuck my head down and plow on through. As if there were some finish line, some measure of achievement somewhere out there hanging on the horizon waiting for me. Lately, I've not been able to see it, or even define what I'd like it to look like. That is a problem. Especially when you go back to the first bullet point and I think with a sinking realization that all this work, all this struggle and sacrifice is not getting me where I want to go. It doesn't matter where I want to go. I don't have that answer yet. All I know is that what I am currently doing in school is not the path. And school takes up so much time, so much energy that it affects almost everything else in my life. Vicious cycle.
Times like these I get wistful, and think about how wonderful it would be to disappear for a few weeks. I'm not so silly to think that that would solve any problem I have mentioned...but may be it would give me some time out to get myself together again. To get grounded in myself again. Time to take a deep breath and move forward with more acceptance and less struggle.
I do need something. Because day after day, and week after week, I see the damage these particular struggles are doing to me, to my emotional well being, to my ability to distract myself out of the bad places.
I feel like I fell over board, and someone has thrown me a life preserver, but as soon as I have it within my sights, it drifts away. And I am getting more and more weary as I tread water.
-Completely and utterly disgusted that I have three more semesters to go to get a degree that I no longer want to achieve. Also adding fuel to this fire is the fact that were I a "normal" student changing majors would not be a big deal...but I am locked into this course of study due to the nature of my financial aid.
-I am feeling isolated and lonely. I do not have any friends at school besides my programming prof, who is not really a friend...more like an adviser in addition to my mentor. I do not have any friends at work. That was oh-so-apparent at the staff appreciation lunch where I struggled through strained conversation with the three people sitting closest to me. I have not seen my best friend in awhile where we both were not in turmoil. I spoke to my sister last night on the phone and I realized that I am missing all this growing up my niece and nephew are doing, missing my mother, and my sister...family. As much as Chris's parents have welcomed me into their family, I don't feel really involved with them, if that makes sense. I miss my PA friends. A lot. Time and distance puts such a strain on a relationship in the best of circumstances. So, yeah. Lonely and isolated.
-Dissatisfied with my time constraints to do the things that enrich my soul. Like relax, make art, etc.
-Mad that getting my ETSY shop started has been taking so long. Limited (read: non existent) resources to get things off the ground piss me off. And that I see no real fast solution to the problem.
I am stumbling a bit here. Under normal circumstances, I am able to not focus on these unpleasant truths, and just tuck my head down and plow on through. As if there were some finish line, some measure of achievement somewhere out there hanging on the horizon waiting for me. Lately, I've not been able to see it, or even define what I'd like it to look like. That is a problem. Especially when you go back to the first bullet point and I think with a sinking realization that all this work, all this struggle and sacrifice is not getting me where I want to go. It doesn't matter where I want to go. I don't have that answer yet. All I know is that what I am currently doing in school is not the path. And school takes up so much time, so much energy that it affects almost everything else in my life. Vicious cycle.
Times like these I get wistful, and think about how wonderful it would be to disappear for a few weeks. I'm not so silly to think that that would solve any problem I have mentioned...but may be it would give me some time out to get myself together again. To get grounded in myself again. Time to take a deep breath and move forward with more acceptance and less struggle.
I do need something. Because day after day, and week after week, I see the damage these particular struggles are doing to me, to my emotional well being, to my ability to distract myself out of the bad places.
I feel like I fell over board, and someone has thrown me a life preserver, but as soon as I have it within my sights, it drifts away. And I am getting more and more weary as I tread water.