Smoking, bad dreams, and other adventures
I woke up about 40 minutes ago from a bad dream. Without even thinking I grabbed a cigarette and headd outside. I am mad at myself for "wasting" one of my 8 smokes for the day on a bad dream. Its going to be a long day. I woder how people who have been smoking for as long as I have quit. I have been smoking on and off (mostly on) since I was 14 years old. I am now 40. As sure as I was that I could do this, well, my confidence is wavering at this point. I still want to, but my addiction to nicotine seems insatiable. It pisses me off to be so addicted to something so stupid.
The bad dreams are still happening. My friend told me it could be a sign of hypomania, which I would not doubt. Hypomania. I half believe that I am hypomanic for the majority of the time. I think its how I get so much done in my life. For the most part, I am always on the move, always doing something. But I digress, I was talking about bad dreams. these dreams for the most part make no sense, or are so bizarre that I wake up wondering if they are real or not. Panic stricken, I immediately get out of bed and look for my usual comforts...cigarettes, some sort of food, writing. Its a real drag and I wish they would stop.
I started a new book last night, called 'Memoirs of a Spiritual Outsider' by Suzanne Clores. I've had the book for years, but have not picked it up until now. I found it again when I was cleaning out my bookshelf a few months back and so far its pretty good. I feel like a spiritual outsider myself.
" Suzanne Clores gives voice to all the Christian expatriates who find themselves hungering for God and yet cannot find a satisfying meal no matter what religion or spiritual community they break bread with. We first meet Clores when she's an adolescent Catholic girl turned rebel and deserter. By the time she reaches her 20s, though, Clores is beginning to feel the hole in her life where God usually dwells. And so she takes on a familiar quest of the '90s, that of sifting through different beliefs in order to find spirit. At first she explores Wicca, then it's shamanism, then Voodoo, Yoga, Sufism, and Buddhism.
This may sound like a flighty journey, with the narrator drifting from one fad to another. Yet, Clores's honesty makes this read like a respectable quest. In every encounter she finds a souvenir of wisdom. Wicca teaches her to hold up a mirror when searching for God. In yoga Clores learns about the deeper implications of pushing limits. From Buddhism she discovers that mediation is "like love without the grief." In the end, there is no tidy package tied up with strings, no tear-wrenching return to Christianity. Rather, this is a mature memoir that speaks to a common dilemma--how to claim and develop one's spirituality outside of a religious container." --Gail Hudson
Today is the new pdoc appointment and I am a bit nervous to be honest. I am always nervous going to see a new doc and considering my last pdoc experience I don't think thats unreasonable. Well, we'll see how it goes.
The most important part of my day is my drive to Wilmington, VT to join my Mom for a few days up there. We'll stay until Saturday and then she'll head home to PA, and I'll head home to RI. A short vacation together, but I am sure we will make the most of it! I always love spending time with my Mom. Expect lots and lots of pictures!
OK, time to start my day. Thanks for listening. Catch you all later! xxx
The bad dreams are still happening. My friend told me it could be a sign of hypomania, which I would not doubt. Hypomania. I half believe that I am hypomanic for the majority of the time. I think its how I get so much done in my life. For the most part, I am always on the move, always doing something. But I digress, I was talking about bad dreams. these dreams for the most part make no sense, or are so bizarre that I wake up wondering if they are real or not. Panic stricken, I immediately get out of bed and look for my usual comforts...cigarettes, some sort of food, writing. Its a real drag and I wish they would stop.
I started a new book last night, called 'Memoirs of a Spiritual Outsider' by Suzanne Clores. I've had the book for years, but have not picked it up until now. I found it again when I was cleaning out my bookshelf a few months back and so far its pretty good. I feel like a spiritual outsider myself.
" Suzanne Clores gives voice to all the Christian expatriates who find themselves hungering for God and yet cannot find a satisfying meal no matter what religion or spiritual community they break bread with. We first meet Clores when she's an adolescent Catholic girl turned rebel and deserter. By the time she reaches her 20s, though, Clores is beginning to feel the hole in her life where God usually dwells. And so she takes on a familiar quest of the '90s, that of sifting through different beliefs in order to find spirit. At first she explores Wicca, then it's shamanism, then Voodoo, Yoga, Sufism, and Buddhism.
This may sound like a flighty journey, with the narrator drifting from one fad to another. Yet, Clores's honesty makes this read like a respectable quest. In every encounter she finds a souvenir of wisdom. Wicca teaches her to hold up a mirror when searching for God. In yoga Clores learns about the deeper implications of pushing limits. From Buddhism she discovers that mediation is "like love without the grief." In the end, there is no tidy package tied up with strings, no tear-wrenching return to Christianity. Rather, this is a mature memoir that speaks to a common dilemma--how to claim and develop one's spirituality outside of a religious container." --Gail Hudson
Today is the new pdoc appointment and I am a bit nervous to be honest. I am always nervous going to see a new doc and considering my last pdoc experience I don't think thats unreasonable. Well, we'll see how it goes.
The most important part of my day is my drive to Wilmington, VT to join my Mom for a few days up there. We'll stay until Saturday and then she'll head home to PA, and I'll head home to RI. A short vacation together, but I am sure we will make the most of it! I always love spending time with my Mom. Expect lots and lots of pictures!
OK, time to start my day. Thanks for listening. Catch you all later! xxx