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Swan Point Cemetary 5-31-10
Originally uploaded by juliederosaThere are too many things going through my head. So many things that it woke me up.
There are many times in my life where I would love to have the council of someone who believes in the same things that I do. I need guidance of a spiritual nature, and I've no one close to me that can give it. I guess that I will have to figure out the right way on my own.
All the stuff going on at work, and my decision to try asking them to reduce my hours, and the impending meeting with my case worker all have me a bit anxious. I know I just have to wait and see how things play out, but I am worried none the less.
I did nothing of substantial value this past weekend. Projects still lay unfinished on my art table, I have photos to scan, about 4 books I want to read, movies from Netflix that I'd like to watch...so many things I could have done. But I did nothing much at all.
Today (I guess yesterday now) Chris and I went to Blackstone Park, and then Swan Point Cemetery...both in Providence. As usual, I took a million pictures. Sometimes i feel silly for taking so many pictures, but at the same time, i feel so compelled to. It was a beautiful day out and we just enjoyed being outside and poking around.
My mood has been swinging rapidly. I cannot seem to get myself on solid ground. Though for the most part, I am sleeping better (tonight I am not sure what my problem is...just restless with anticipation for the week ahead I guess). I've only been taking the extra depakote since Wednesday night, and I suppose I can't expect miracle. But I so so so want to feel back to myself. Its taking a really long time to get there.
I am having a lot of trouble communicating as well. I feel guarded and strange. Even with Chris. I am feeling so sensitive to the moods of others. Its almost like I "catch" everyone around me's mood....good or bad or whatever. I try to control it, but its very difficult. I have been noticing how much people in general complain. I wonder if I complain as much. I really hope I don't. I know I do complain about whats happening with my illness now, but I mean in general I do try to see the good in everyone, in all situations. I'm not sure if that comes across.
I want to be a loving, compassionate person...to myself as well as to others. I feel like I am back at the beginning of my spiritiual journey, I feel like i have so much left to learn. I have so many questions. Living in the moment is really hard right now and even though I know life is suffering and life is impermanence, it seems my moments are endless. It is hard to observe myself in each and every moment. My mind is not still. In fact, it feels like a satellite getting a million messages from the environment outside of myself, while it is trying to repair its broken parts inside.
None of this makes sense to you all, I'm sure. But if you read this far, you deserve a gold star.