Lonely Hearts Club Chapter 2
Title: Lonely Hearts Club Chapter 2
Rating: G for now. Will proably end up R or NC-17 knowing me.
Pairing: Scar/Ed
Spoilers: None
Genre: HS AU
Notes: I was won in the Sweet Charity Auction by the lovely and generous herongale , who gave me my following prompts: She wanted a Scar/Ed fic (first for me) , that was Fluff (ok, I can fluff) and HS AU (another first for me). So here is Chapter Two of your fic, Heron. On two things I'd never thought I'd write. I really, really hope you like it.
Previous Chapters can be found on the Master Fic List.
Like any new endeavor, research was required.
Edward Elric considered himself a first class researcher. You would be hard pressed to catch him lacking on a subject which he'd been assigned. He was a veritable walking sponge when it came to fact finding and his powers of retention were off the charts. So why in his vast and eclectic knowledge had he never once read any sort of text on well...attracting the opposite sex? The obvious answer to this was it wasn't assigned, and therefore that made it a waste of good research time. Who knew he would be called upon to draw on the one subject in which he completely and utterly lacked. He figured he could scour the library, surely someone had written something intending to be a guide on how to make a girl want to be with you instead of laugh at you when you suggested such a thing. He tapped his pen on his desktop; sure there should be a least one. What category would you file a book of such, well not dubious content, and if not dubious then what? Suspect? No, biological. This would be the infamous biological urges that was often whispered about in the boy's locker room.
That was it, in all his reading on the structure of the human structure he'd failed to really study the hormones. So he'd decided to try some controlled experiments with Al as his lab assistant. Al was less than thrilled but grudgingly agreed since this whole fiasco was more or less his fault in the first place he should make some effort to help his brother at least try to date. There were a few words about just who's side Al was on, but when Al acquiesced to being the bait, Ed subsided. Al was cute and perky and girls tended to gather around him. All he had to do was stand there and smile cheerfully and sure enough a classmate of the opposite sex inevitably stopped to talk to him. Not so with Ed. In fact, Ed had to sorta put Al out there and then spring the trap. He would slide causally over to Al's side while the girl was talking to Al, make a few noncommittal grunts about whatever it was she was talking about, (and he really didn't bother listening because most girls were just boring) but it always turned out with the girl wrinkling her nose at him, making a polite excuse to Al and then leaving. What the hell? What did he have to do to get a girl to stick around for more than three minutes? How was he going to ask one out? Well there was speed dating, he could always claim speed dating. Al said that was a cheat and would not consider that a win. Dammit.
So he was stuck and desperate because the library was just not very forthcoming with the sure-fire dating methods books. As he despaired aimlessly by wandering around near the cafeteria he noticed a flyer that had been stuck to the school bulletin board. It was the type of flyer he'd usually dismiss at first glance. It was on pastel pink paper, (nothing but nothing of importance was on pastel paper and definitely nothing of importance would be caught dead on pastel pink paper) and it was hand written instead of skillfully computer crafted. As a matter of fact, as Ed reached up to pluck the sheet from it's tack, it had the offense of being photocopied instead of printed on a high quality laser jet. Anyone worth anything knew this was definitely not the way to advertise. Even as he mocked the paper in his hand his eyes were drawn to the lettering, (that almost looked like it has been done by crayon) and his mouth pulled down at the corner.
The flyer read: Arakawa Academy's One and Only Club for the Lonely and Spurned. Having dating woes? Need advise to make you the Casanova of the PE yard? Look no further! With experience and dedication, Arakawa Academy's one and only, (Ed made a mental note about the over use of 'one and only') lonely hearts specialist is forming an exclusive club to bring your aching heart's journey to an end. Ms. Mei Chan (Junior) is excited to announce the formation of the Lonely Hearts Club right here at Arakawa Academy. Don't spend another day being one of the dregs of society unable to get a date. Meetings are held twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays in room 103, next to the janitorial department. Causal attire is accepted.
Then there were many crudely drawn hearts and flowers and what might have been a rabbit and a rainbow, but Ed wasn't sure. If he thought about it, today was Thursday, but wait, was he this desperate? He supposed he just might be, but still, no one has to know about it. If the maker of this flyer was an expert as she claimed then within one meeting he could probably leech off her all he needed to know. Ok, that was the plan. He could always pretend he had the wrong room if someone saw him there. He crumbled the flyer up and shoved it into his pocket, just to make sure no one else who might possibly see him there saw it and knew to come there in the first place, then he headed off to his next class.
**
Chemistry was Ed's favorite class and so that made Miss Lust his favorite teacher. She smiled at him as he walked in and took his seat. She was always so professional with her crisp white lab coat, formidable glasses, v-necked low cut blouses and absolute knowledge of the source material. It seemed funny to him that most of the other boys in the class seemed to struggle to keep up and most of the girls didn't seem to care of Miss Lust. He glanced up as Winry came in and took her customary seat behind him. Winry Rockbell was the darling of the shop class and a senior as well. He'd known her since grade school and always thought she was ok for a girl because it wasn't like she was overly girl-like or anything, what with always being covered in oil and grease. She got along good with Al, and that was also bonus points in her favor, so Ed counted her among his friends in this place and one of his few confidants. Since class didn't start for another few minutes, he swiveled in his seat to talk to her.
“I have a weird question, and really, it's for a friend of mine, but I need a girl perspective, so maybe you could help me out?” he asked her and she looked a little surprised, but then she nodded and leaned forward so they could whisper all conspirator like.
“What makes a girl want to go out with a guy?” Ed said, leaning almost close enough for their foreheads to touch. “I mean, what's a guy have to be like? Give me some pointers so I can give them to my friend,” he hastened to add.
“What a weird question from you,” she said, raising an eyebrow, “but ok, I guess I can give you some pointers for your friend. If I were gonna date a guy then I'd want him to be smart and good looking and not stink after gym class. I don't know, guys who can make girls laugh can usually get dates. I guess I'd want him to be into cars or something, but that's just my own standards. So who's this friend you're trying to hook up?”
“That's not important,” Ed said rubbing his chin, but then the bell rang and Miss Lust walked over to shut the door, so Ed turned facing forward in his desk chair again and waited for class to begin. Today Miss Lust was talking about redox and the atoms ability to lose and gain electrons. It was fascinating stuff and Ed, always eager to learn any there was to learn made sure to ask lots of pertinent questions. Miss Lust had a habit of leaning forward over her desk when she answered and all the other guys in class always seemed to be intently interested on what she was saying, but still the managed to fail every pop quiz given on the information that followed.
“What is the ability to oxidize other substances better known as?” Miss Lust asked the class in general. There was much mumbling and shifting in seats and Ed waited five seconds (just like Miss Lust asked him to do. She told him how very smart he was but he should really give others a chance to answer, so it became a agreement between them that Ed would always count to five before putting his hand in the air) before throwing his hand in the air. Miss Lust smiled and leaned over her arms on the desk and a lot of boys leaned forward, staring at her in what seemed to be slack jawed awe. Well she was a pretty awesome teacher, man did she know chemistry.
“Yes, Edward?” she said.
“Oxidizing agents,” Ed said loudly, but not one person in the class made a note. Didn't they know these question and answer sessions were always the questions and answers that showed up on the pop quizzes?
“Very good, I see you read the assigned chapter like I asked, let's move on,” and she sat back and many of the boys sighed and many of the girls rolled their eyes. Ed just didn't get it. He followed Winry out of the class after the bell rang and stood with her at her locker.
“You still didn't tell me who you were trying to set up,” she said, swapping out books and checking her hair in the mirror on the inside of her locker door.
“Havoc,” Ed responded immediately. It was common knowledge that Mr. Havoc, the driver's education teacher, was hopelessly and unabashedly on the prowl, and he wasn't above taking a students advice to achieve his goal, and that goal, of course, was now frighteningly similar to Ed's own predicament.
“Better people than you have tried and failed,” Winry said, shutting her locker, “give it up. Besides, he's an adult he can find his own dates.”
“I'm looking for advice, not hen pecking,” Ed grumbled. “Here's another one for you; why does everyone suck at the chemistry class? I mean, she's a good teacher and the material isn't that hard. Everyone is always staring at her all the time so I know they are paying attention.”
Winry turned to look at him slowly before shaking her head and turning to head down the hall.
“What?” Ed said, trotting to keep up with her.
“Sometimes I wonder about you,” Winry said as he pulled up beside her, “so is the advice you're looking for really for Havoc or is it for you?”
“I told you,” Ed grumbled, “what would I get out of dating advice? I mean I can get my own dates, if I wanted, that's all.”
Winry stopped and turned to him slowly, he also stopped and took a step back and they stared at each other for a moment.
“I've known you forever and you know, now that I think about it, I don't ever remember talking to you, not even once, about a girl,”she said, then she got this look on her face. It was a look that was usually reserved for the most clarifying of epiphanies and Ed looked around to see if there was a beam of light somehow shooting down through the roof to illuminate something epiphany worthy there in the hallway.
“Why would I talk to you about other girls,” Ed said, feeling his cheeks heat up, “I mean, you're a girl and you know, if I wanted to talk about a girl then I would like talk to Al or other guys, not some other girl.”
“You forget,” Winry said breathlessly, “Al tells me everything and he would have told me if you were talking about a girl.” She leaned in on him a little and he hunched up his shoulders and almost bared his teeth. “I think maybe you don't like girls,” she said slowly.
“Are you out of your mind, I like you ok and you're a girl,” Ed said feeling an unreasonable rush of panic. “I like girls just fine, you know I like that girl who is, um, you know that girl from geography, what is her name, she's ok, at least she knows where the continents are!”
“Uh huh,” Winry said, still looking at him in that odd, revelation like way. “You like her so much you don't even know her name,” she said and lifted her head but lowered her eyelids, as if by doing so she obtained some sort of inner sensory powers to look deep inside him and see all his weird bits.
“This is stupid,” he challenged, “I gotta get to class!” And he turned and he fled, from what he wasn't sure, he just sensed somehow he needed to get out of range of radar, whatever it was tuned to pick up.
He practically ran down the hall and turned the corner, even though it was the wrong way to go to get to his last class of the day. He'd show her, he'd show Al and he'd sure as hell show Mr. Scar. This liking or not liking girls crap really had nothing to do with it. Why in the hell had he ever let Al talk him into the stupid competition in the first place?! Why did Mr. Scar, who was suppose to be a teacher ever go along with it?! It was a conspiracy! An Al and Mr. Scar conspiracy to get Ed to back off and let Al make all those bad dating decisions! Like Mr. Scar should interfere in his first born, blood kin given right to tell Al what to do! He turned down the next hallway and half jogged down the the intersection that would turn him back in the right hallway to get to class. The nerve of the man, this had to be against some sort of school regulation. That was it, instead of that stupid club after class he was going to the library and he was looking up school bylaws and he was going to find proof that Mr. Scar was over stepping his boundaries of what he could and could not pry into in a students life and then? He was going to write a massive complaint and deliver it by hand to the offices of Principle Mustang and then Mr. Scar would be sorry. He would be oh, so sorry because he had just tread on the toes of the smartest person in this school, faculty included. He would be walking in the territory of Elric where no one walked, well except maybe Al, and he would find out that for people like himself it was a very, very dangerous place to tread, if you pissed off the owner. Yeah, that is what he would do.
Winry was waiting for him at the juncture of the hall and he grimaced and put his shoulders up and his head down and hung onto the straps of his backpack and barreled on past her, but she trotted up to get as his side and leaned over to try and see in his face.
“You know Ed,” she said, “it's ok, it's not like it would change anything between us and society nowadays is so accepting it's practically the norm.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” he growled, “you better get to your next class!”
“You're the expert at denial,” Winry said, slowing to a walk as Ed kept charging away, “if you want to talk about it, you know I would listen!” she called after him.
“No you wouldn't,” Ed snapped back over his shoulder, “you never let anyone get a word in edgewise!” Then he ducked into his class, which was safe haven and it was only that he was so close to it he felt he could mouth off to her anyways.
**
So here it was, a Thursday afternoon after class and what was he doing? Well, he wasn't at the library like he'd originally anticipated, because as he sat there in his last class of the day, mulling over the conversation he'd had with Winry in the hallway he finally dawned on him what she might have been inferring. Now inferring wasn't like actually coming out and saying it. Inferring was one of those subtle save your own ass type moves by not actually committing. And so, he couldn't really have run out of his class, burst down the door of her class, climbed up on her desk and pointed at her and shrieked 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU INFERRING?!' because the moment had passed and it was a little to late for that. He should have done that while they were still in the hallway, but these things never came at him in any timely manner.
So, instead of the library to bring Mr. Scar down in flames, as was originally intended, he stood here, outside a door next to the janitorial department with one hand shoved into his pocket worrying at a crumpled pink piece of paper he'd put there earlier in the day. He made a false start to open the door a couple of times now and he figured if he stood there long enough to psych himself up over what Winry had inferred the that should be all the motivation he needed. So he let himself replay the part of the conversation where Winry said the thing about society and the norm nowadays and he thought he knew was she was inferring there and he gritted his teeth and took hold of the door knob and turned. The door swung inward and he followed it's motion, stepping into the room.
There were streamers, and paper hearts that looked like they'd been cut of construction paper. There were paper flowers of pink and white. There was a lone lucky bamboo plant in a pink heart shaped container on the desk in the very front of the room and there appeared to be a punch bowl and a tray of cookies on a table to the side of the room. He whipped around quickly to make sure no one had seen him enter, then he shut the door quietly as not to attract any attention. And here he was, in the club room of the Arakawa Academy for the Advanced's Lonely Hearts Club. Only, he seemed to be the only member. He again whirled quickly and checked the corners and ceiling of the room for cameras, just in case this was some jock initiated trap to provided entertainment for the football team at the parties he never got invited to; but the room seemed clean. He dug in his pocket for the crumpled piece of pink paper and took it out, laid it on a desk and smoothed it. Right room, right time, so... why was he here alone? Just then the door leading to the adjacent room swung open and a little girl with long dark braids dressed all in pink with a panda bear backpack on her back came skipping into the room, but paused long enough to close the door behind her. She stopped when she saw Ed and blinked in surprise. Ed also blinked in surprise. There were no grade school classes in the academy so what was she doing here?
“Are you here for a club meeting?” she sang out, voice high and clear and full of smiles. “I'm so excited! This is only my second meeting and you are my very first attendee! I have refreshments on the table, please help yourself! We'll give another five minutes for stragglers to make their appearance and then we'll call the meeting to order!” She then wiggled out of her backpack and sat it on the desk t at the front of the room and gave it a pat like it was alive. “Isn't this exciting Xiao Mei?” she asked it, then seem to wiggle from head to toe with glee.
Ed was so out of here. He was so long gone out of here that his presence here was just a memory of something maybe standing here. The visual of his actually being in the room still a ghost image because he was so already in the hall and heading away. And he turned to make this reality when the door leading into the hall swung open and the figure in the doorway filled it.
It was... Mr. Scar.
In his hand Mr. Scar also held a piece of pastel pink paper. He seemed as confused to see Ed as Ed did to see them and they stood there, motionless, staring at one another not unlike a mongoose and a cobra. Behind them the girl twittered happily.
“Another first time attendee!” she said with glee. “And you're the world religion teacher,” she sounded like she might swoon. “We can call the meeting to order now since we have two members!”
Ed had no choice but to back into the room as Mr. Scar advanced and Mr. Scar turned and shut the door, as if to indicated there was no escape. Mr. Scar moved forward as Ed continued to back away and somehow managed to fit himself into one of the student's desks. Once he was seated he took a pen and pad from and inner pocket and laid it on the desk before him, as if he were prepared to take notes and he looked at Ed with the same expressionless visage as he did in his own class.
Ed thew himself into a desk on the opposite side of the room and hunched up his shoulders. Luckily he had his backpack with him and he dug in it, also slapping a pen and pad of paper on his desk and then, in order to avoid glaring at Mr. Scar, he instead glared at the girl standing at the front of the room.
She clapped her hands together, hurried around her desk and climbed up into her chair and stood in it order to be seen. She took a deep breath and her welcome speech commenced.
“Good afternoon and welcome to the second meeting of the Arakawa Academy Lonely Hearts Club. I'm Mei Chan, your adoring founder and president and I'm here to give good and plentiful advice to make you the most charming man or boy on campus. If there were girls here it would include the most charming girl or lady on campus as well, but since you're both boys and I'm the only girl and the founder and I don't really need my own advice we'll stick with boy or man. I know everyone is very eager to get the part where I share the life altering information you seek, but since we have two new members now I think we should take a moment to introduce ourselves. Alright, we'll start with you,” and she pointed with deadly accuracy to Ed who immediately slouched in his seat, “tell us your name and grade and what brought you to the Lonely Heart's Club.”
Ed sliced a look over to Mr. Scar, but Mr. Scar was sitting staring straight forward and Ed looked at Mei Chan again and she made a bob of her head that he supposed was suppose to be encouragement.
“My name is Ed Elric, I'm a senior,” Ed grated out, “I'm here for the same reason as him.” There, that got him off the hook.
Mei Chan looked at Mr. Scar and Mr. Scar seemed to twitch a face muscle but Ed wasn't sure, but he took a breath and began to speak.
“My name is Mr. Scar. I teach the world's religion class. Edward Elric and myself are here to learn about the social custom of dating. We are here to broaden our knowledge and have a better understanding so that in the future we might provide better council to others, namely Edward's brother Alphonse.”
“Only Al already dates,” Ed broke in, “but he doesn't seem to have any dating sense. He always dates these girls that are... well not girls that seem to fit with him. He sort of acts as a magnet and I've heard that opposites attract but he has taken it to a whole new plateau. I would say, on the technique scale Al has got it down to about a 9 but on the judgment scale he's working in the negatives. Mr. Scar here doesn't think we have any business giving Al badly needed advice unless we know just what it is Al is doing, and that would be dating. So I'm here on a purely scientific level because as must as it grates on my every nerve, Mr. Scar has a point. So, teach us to date.”
Mei Chan looked them both over as if she were somehow sizing them up and at the same time, determining their suitability for her wise council. She seemed to come to some inner decision and she threw her arms out in front of her.
“I see that you two have come here by some divine intervention,” she said, “and now it's my sworn and sacred mission to lead you on the journey that every man must take. To give you clear and enlightened understanding of not only what it takes to date, but how to engage in a meaningful and altruistic relationship, even if it only lasts until summer break. I, Mei Chan, here by pledge myself to you and your honorable quest and even if it takes my very last breath I will see the two of you date. “
Ed wasn't sure what to do at this point, so he hesitantly started to clap and after a moment, Mr. Scar clapped with him.
Mei Chan closed her eyes and gave a small nod. She stepped up from the chair onto the desk and opened her eyes.
“From this day forward, let it be known that we, the members of the Lonely Heart's Club are untied in purpose and cause and to that end we should have a clear and concise plan of action. So, today's meeting should be about the fundamentals of dating. I have a small hand out,” she hopped down off the desk and went to her panda bear back pack and unzipped the back of it's head. She took out some small booklets, obviously hand made and he brought one each to Mr. Scar and Ed and they took them and she returned to her position at the desk up front, but didn't get back up on it, but rather stood in front of it.
“Take that with you and read it,” she said. “Next meeting we'll plan out your strategy and make up your list of potential dream dates. I won't expect you to complete the list all on your own and I will have come up with appropriate candidates by the time the next meeting comes around.”
“Wait,” Ed said, “you're going to make up a list of...what? Girls we are going to date?”
“Yes,” she said, “although Mr. Scar might be a bit of a challenge, I'll have to do some research.”
“How come you get to make up the list of girls we are going to date, shouldn't we do that on our own?” Ed further challenged.
“If you were doing it on your own you wouldn't be here,” she returned smoothly.
Oooo, touche, so Ed turned for back up.
“Are you going to let her tell you who to date,” he asked Mr. Scar, “I mean you're an adult, she's a high school kid!”
“I am here admitting there are areas in my life where I'm the student,” Mr. Scar said in his usual monotone way. “It would behoove you, Edward, if you took the opportunity while you still are a student.”
“I think this is the deep end and we'll all going off,” Ed said, “that's what I think, if you really want an opinion. Fine, I'll read the literature and I'll take your list into consideration,” he said, pointing at Mei Chan, “but no promises. Are we done?”
“We'll meet again Monday afternoon promptly after last bell,” Mei Chan said, “please take some of the refreshments with you for your journey home. Farewell fellow club members, I look forward to our united concern and the unity of our mission!”
Then Mei Chan picked up her panda bear back pack and left through the adjoining room door from whence she'd came.
Ed looked at Mr. Scar and Mr. Scar looked at Ed. Then Mr. Scar stood up, tucked his pamphlet into his shirt pocket and left the room without another word.
Ed watched him go thinking the man had really missed his true calling; some zombie movie somewhere was just dying without him. He hefted his own backpack and fold the pamphlet over and shoved it in the back pocket of his jeans.
Someone was going to tell him who to date, huh? He'd just see about that.