Comments | sky_dark: The New and Improved

sky_dark

The New and Improved - Rocket Science

Feb 04, 2006 21:22

Title: Rocket Science
Pairing: HeiderichxEd
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Alfons' mind was more in tune with how much thrust per square inch it would take to get 'x' amount of mass off the ground than how to show a potential lover how to kiss.
Spoilers: None unless you do not know who Alfons Heiderich is
Notes: Thanks to kaltia for the beta
Word Count: 10,011 ( Read more... )

Comments 21

ipitydaf00l February 5 2006, 03:32:41 UTC

I liked this the first time around, and I still like it.

Although, I noticed you left out the 's on Edward's hand and used spend instead of spent. Just thought you should know, even if I have no room to talk. ^.^"

sky_dark February 5 2006, 22:17:23 UTC

Thanks! =D

Thanks for the edits, I'll go in and fix them =D

l_envyxedward_l February 5 2006, 03:49:09 UTC

so much love~ You should write more hyde ^^

Though I am missing RoyEd XDDDDD *hugs*

sky_dark February 5 2006, 22:17:48 UTC

Ah, more Hyde you say? Heh, mebbe, you never know =) thanks!

Still like this one... sharibet February 5 2006, 04:46:08 UTC

And you're right, the dialogue is more in-character for Ed. Just a couple of homophone problems:

It was then the front door opened and closed quietly and the uneven gate sounded in the hall.

"gate" versus "gait" The first is used for the door-like thing; the second is how you walk. So, really, the above should have "uneven gait," if it's referring to the sound of Ed's footsteps.

...moved his mouth to illicit more cries and more thrashing.

"illicit" versus "elicit" illegal versus "to draw forth" I think you wanted "elicit" here, since Alfons is trying to draw forth more cries.

Why, yes, I *do* have the soul of a copyeditor! Great story, though.

Re: Still like this one... sky_dark February 5 2006, 22:16:50 UTC

Thanks! Yeah, upon reading it again (I rarely read over my stuff once it's finished unless I'm looking for a line or plot point for later in the story) I was like...wtf was I smoking when I wrote THIS?

AH! Thanks for the catches, I'll go in and edit them! =D

velvet_mace February 5 2006, 18:18:47 UTC

First I have to say this ( ... )

velvet_mace February 5 2006, 18:32:52 UTC

Secondly, fuck this was hot.

sky_dark February 5 2006, 22:15:49 UTC

No, you've pwnd me, no need to go any further

reikah February 5 2006, 18:42:16 UTC

I think I love you. :D

Thread 9

mikkeneko February 6 2006, 13:08:01 UTC

That's wonderful. I don't even remember what the previous dialogue was, this felt so natural and right and perfect. ^_^

sky_dark February 6 2006, 23:29:09 UTC

Thanks =D