to alice13... me taking responsibility
i was referred to this post by a dear friend (yes, i still have quite a few) who thinks you're being... nah, i don't feel like i can speak for others, unlike you who thinks it's okay to speak for "everyone", even still. but i digress... it wasn't that long ago that i would let your vitriol get under my skin. but i'll have you know that day is history, especially in regards to you in particular. and yes, it was only just recently that i whined and bitched about the injustice i feel was placed upon me, but i was drunk... and then & at this point, NONE of that whining and bitching was meant to be directed towards YOU as a person, but the injustice i sometimes feel in regards to my life in general, and yes, much of that has only me to blame.
i'd be surprised if you take anything i have to say into account. in fact, i'd be surprised if this comment even gets through (which it didn't... which is why it's here on my journal... which i'm surprised to find that you still read). i'm shocked that you're allowing comments at all, since your history in regards to posting subjects-that-remind-you-of-me, normally, has shut ALL others' opinions out.
although you might think i'm being sarcastic, i don't mean it that way. i AM sorry i made public, word-for-word, everything you wanted to remain private. that was my fault entirely, and i'm sorry. i was dumb in thinking that EVERYTHING had to be accurate in order for it to be "true". i just wanted to know how others felt about the topic, and i disregarded your feelings. it was wrong of me, and i'm sorry.
and i'm sorry for all the times you became uncomfortable by the things i said or did. please believe me... it was never intentional, and i didn't realize your sensitivities. i am truly sorry for this. i had hoped you'd let me know if such was the case, but i misjudged you in hoping for this. i'm sorry i misjudged you.
i'm also sorry for all the times i bitched about you behind your back, subsequently to our falling out. although i felt justified given your hatred towards me, it was wrong of me. i'm sorry.
i'd still be pleading for your mercy if i hadn't learned that you lied about me when you told others i had hired an underaged prostitute. regardless of what you might think, whether or not that was true in your mind at the time or not, whether it was to bolster your argument that i'm a sex-addict or just to defame me, it was never your business to talk about it to others before getting your facts straight. prostitutes? sadly, yes. underaged? that is fucking SICK! i thoroughly damned you for pinning THAT on me!
i also damned you for shutting me out, as you well know. i don't know if you have ever realized the feeling of exclusion by someone as close to your heart as a best friend, a mother, a father, a brother, a sister. i dunno... maybe you knew the pain it would cause and did it anyway. what was it you called it? tough love? nah... tough love is when you allow a loved one to spend the night in jail for his crimes before you bail his ass out. tough love isn't about shunning someone from your life forever. as pure as you think your heart may be, that's hatred in my book.
one more point that i would argue... there has never been a time that i actively avoided being in the same room as you. the possibility made me cringe at times, but i never avoided it.
but you know, damnations and negativity toward you (on my part) are now of the past. i know i've said it before, but now, i'm done. a lot of the hatred you sent towards me...? i ABSOLUTELY had coming (although i was never prepared until now). and for the bullshit i still feel i didn't deserve, i forgive you, because i was once just as emotional and well... emotional as you, and i reluctantly admit that i probably would've reacted the exact same way. the difference between me being "done" before and me being done now is that i now forgive you, because now i understand. what i understand may not be to your liking, but i assure you, i understand enough to make peace with all that has happened.
i don't like you, and i'll never trust you again... but still, i forgive you. i don't need your forgiveness. you need your forgiveness of me much more than i do. you're as black as a black sheep can get to me, but you're still family.
i'd be surprised if you take anything i have to say into account. in fact, i'd be surprised if this comment even gets through (which it didn't... which is why it's here on my journal... which i'm surprised to find that you still read). i'm shocked that you're allowing comments at all, since your history in regards to posting subjects-that-remind-you-of-me, normally, has shut ALL others' opinions out.
although you might think i'm being sarcastic, i don't mean it that way. i AM sorry i made public, word-for-word, everything you wanted to remain private. that was my fault entirely, and i'm sorry. i was dumb in thinking that EVERYTHING had to be accurate in order for it to be "true". i just wanted to know how others felt about the topic, and i disregarded your feelings. it was wrong of me, and i'm sorry.
and i'm sorry for all the times you became uncomfortable by the things i said or did. please believe me... it was never intentional, and i didn't realize your sensitivities. i am truly sorry for this. i had hoped you'd let me know if such was the case, but i misjudged you in hoping for this. i'm sorry i misjudged you.
i'm also sorry for all the times i bitched about you behind your back, subsequently to our falling out. although i felt justified given your hatred towards me, it was wrong of me. i'm sorry.
i'd still be pleading for your mercy if i hadn't learned that you lied about me when you told others i had hired an underaged prostitute. regardless of what you might think, whether or not that was true in your mind at the time or not, whether it was to bolster your argument that i'm a sex-addict or just to defame me, it was never your business to talk about it to others before getting your facts straight. prostitutes? sadly, yes. underaged? that is fucking SICK! i thoroughly damned you for pinning THAT on me!
i also damned you for shutting me out, as you well know. i don't know if you have ever realized the feeling of exclusion by someone as close to your heart as a best friend, a mother, a father, a brother, a sister. i dunno... maybe you knew the pain it would cause and did it anyway. what was it you called it? tough love? nah... tough love is when you allow a loved one to spend the night in jail for his crimes before you bail his ass out. tough love isn't about shunning someone from your life forever. as pure as you think your heart may be, that's hatred in my book.
one more point that i would argue... there has never been a time that i actively avoided being in the same room as you. the possibility made me cringe at times, but i never avoided it.
but you know, damnations and negativity toward you (on my part) are now of the past. i know i've said it before, but now, i'm done. a lot of the hatred you sent towards me...? i ABSOLUTELY had coming (although i was never prepared until now). and for the bullshit i still feel i didn't deserve, i forgive you, because i was once just as emotional and well... emotional as you, and i reluctantly admit that i probably would've reacted the exact same way. the difference between me being "done" before and me being done now is that i now forgive you, because now i understand. what i understand may not be to your liking, but i assure you, i understand enough to make peace with all that has happened.
i don't like you, and i'll never trust you again... but still, i forgive you. i don't need your forgiveness. you need your forgiveness of me much more than i do. you're as black as a black sheep can get to me, but you're still family.