19 and stationary nostalgia kills
I talked to mikey today. I realized how, even apart we end up the same. We always seem in the exact same spot in our lives. It just makes the whole "TWIN" thing stronger. He does have more life in him than I do. That:s the only difference. He has more drive for finding out the truth to things than I do. I:ve lost most of my will to unwrap the unknown. We:re wrapped around negative friendships and obligations. Our drug drive is at a low but our alcohol consumption is at an all time high. Our dreams to leave are continually getting pushed back bc of one thing or another. And we:ve lost ourselves in our age. Sick of being angry and depressed. and slowly becoming more accepting of a lifestyle we rejected in the first place. It:s so scary to think you:ve lost who you:ve been so sure you were. We:re past the teenage angst but trying to hold onto it thinking ours was different. Ours wasn:t like theirs. But it probably was. At 19 I:m stuck between being over the angst and not being old enough for the whole 21 and over scene, and I:m not referring to drinking I:m talking about lifestyle. A huge part of me has died and now I:m tip toeing toward every decision I make. I:m in the process of reevaluating my values, ambitions and future.. Realistically this time. It hurts so much to add reality in to my future. Fantasy seems so much easier ... so much better. I feel so old .. and it makes me want to cry ... cry for the inner child dead and alone. Cry for the future I:ve always dreamed of that I:ll never obtain. cry for all the negative thoughts that surround every relationship I bump into. Cry for everyone I:ve pushed away bc I:m to stubborn to need someone. But I won:t be crying because it never solves anything.