Asexually Yours, Key
ASEXUALLY YOURS, KEY;; PG
it's kind of all over the place, but idk. key intrigues me. ^^
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It’s boring, he decides. The ritual of mating which equates to awkward texting, drunken sexting, polite dating, not so polite one-night-stands, trying to figure out why girls complain more about dieting than they like to actually lose the weight, figuring out the correct ratio of how many compliments a girl likes before it’s overkill. The alternative isn’t that great either, as he sees the way his bandmates generally become deplorable pigs when they shut the door after a long day out, the way they scratch their balls shamelessly because that’s what guys are supposed to do, and how they playfully treat their coordi noonas like objects of flirtation for their own disposal whenever their new flings of the week never work out quite the way the want to.
Courting is just not for him.
So Key decides he is asexual. For the rest of his life. Not just his adolescent youth life, because that would just be silly.
The first person he tells is Minho. The second after he finishes his sentence, Minho pulls him into a stoic hug, cracking the bones in Key’s dainty back with a brave face on as he seriously quips, “If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. I’m always there for you, Kibum-ah.”
Key doesn’t know if he should tell anyone else after that. The consequences might be just as embarrassing. Not for Key, but for the person on the resulting end.
A couple of days later he calls up Nicole and casually mentions it in their conversation about the hottest coffee trend.
“Oh my god,” She slips into English in her state of momentary shock before reverting back to awkward Korean again. “But, but, but you live in Korea. What if the general public finds out? Will they try and make you commit suicide?”
“…You’re not going to be the one spreading it around, right? And it’s not like I’m gay.”
“Yeah, but you practically are. Omo, omo, omo, what to do.”
After they hang up, Key browses the internet and can’t figure out whether to buy Nicole a Korean or an English dictionary.
The third person he tells is Jinwoon when they are having their monthly brunch date.
“Oh, thank god,” the limber beast sighs in relief.
“What, did you think I had a crush on you or something?”
“No, now I won’t have to fight you for Nicole.” Key fights every bone in his body to not roll his eyes right then.
Key regrets opening his mouth and comes to the conclusion it isn’t imperative to tell anyone else in general or the rest of his group at the moment.
A couple weeks later, SHINee gathers around their dining table for a rare free time of breakfast-cereal-bonding. The conversation shifts into a disturbing momentum when Taemin changes the conversation about the density of Cheerios by abruptly asking something that has apparently been on his teenage mind,
“I know what sex is, but how do you do it?” Everyone spits, chugs, splatters their cereal and morning coffee out of their mouth, exchanging glances. Who is he addressing? Like all of them in that inquisitor, innocent way of his? Key selfishly wants Taemin to stay in his little bubble forever. It’s insanely adorable and non-human.
“I thought you already learned it from school. Or that Minho taught you the pragmatics of it, at least.” Onew calmly says while side-eyeing Minho.
“Ah, hyung- I was going to explain it to him but I figured Taemin would learn it on his own, the natural way-“
“Onew hyung, I don’t want to learn like what it means or what it results in, I want to learn like exactly how does one go about having it?” The table goes awkwardly silent again and Key is surprised Jonghyun and Minho haven’t doubled over in frat behavior kind of laughter.
Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Let him be youthful just a little younger.
“You should probably ask Jonghyun this. He’s the one with the most experience.” Onew cheekily states. Jonghyun becomes royally flushed, his mouth wide agape in protest with no words flying out.
“So, Jonghyun hyung. How exactly do you get Jessica noona to orgasm the way she does when she sneaks over at night?”
Chirp. Chirp.
Everyone at the table minus Taemin gets up after that blunt question. There was no way avoiding Minho’s douchetastic laughter, Onew’s fumbling awkwardness, Taemin’s confusion and Jonghyun’s utter walk of shame into his room. Key uses this entire conversation as an example of why being asexual is the flawless way of living life. Sex is pointless, he reinstates in his mind. It leads to problems and awkward conversations no matter what your orientation is.
Having sex is pointless.
When Key walks into his manager’s room a couple of days later looking for Taemin, apologetically going to explain the nitty and gritty details of the birds and bees to his inquiring mind, he walks into his manager watching male on male porn on his laptop. He's not really shocked, but disgusted all the same at anyone watching porn to get off - it was just tacky and something asexual people just didn’t have to worry about.
That night is the night in a long time that Key can’t stop wondering what it would be like to have sex in general. He can’t decide if he would like to have sex with a boy, a girl or just a carbon copy of himself in his dreams.
Key’s life as an asexualite gets boring after five months.
When they go to LA for the SM concert, Key is tempted to call up Amber and catch up with her under the guise of asking about how her leg is. When really he’s just thinking of calling her for a late-night Entourage kind of bootycall, get it out of his system and put Jonghyun’s orgasm tips to good use. He regrets even thinking something that sexually sadistic after some minutes though, and loses the courage to even call her for a stationery “Hey, baby I miss you.” Such is the sad life of being static relationship-wise.
On the SM ending stage, Hyoyeon keeps mischievously grinning towards his way and prancing around idiotically. She’s cute, Key bemuses and he knows she’s always been cute, but she’s looking particularly cute lately. So he grins back, and grabs her hands towards the fans outreached ones forcefully, and does it even rougher after she pokes his belly in stride. They walk back to the other stage together, and Key sporadically feels like reaching over and grasping her little hand into his, wanting to make their fingers intertwine and be all couply with each other. The feeling goes away after a couple of minutes though, when Eunhyuk and Onew make their way towards them and she gives both of them the same flirtatious smile she had just given Key, followed by that stupid giggling girls always do when they want something to go their way.
And Key feels bitter for the remainder of his trip in Los Angeles, feeling spiteful that all girls are players, which was why he never bothered to engage in being anything but being single. He really regretted calling Amber by then.
When they get back home to their non-usual routines, Taemin starts excitedly texting his new crush. When his hyungs nosily ask him who it is, he smartly won’t say but all of them say a little prayer that he hasn’t taken their little sex talks to use just yet. Key doesn’t care about that; he’s more surprised at his own tinges of jealousy suppressed inside himself. He’s envious of the way Taemin has smiles creeping on his face at the most random moments, the way Taemin skips around two times faster, how Taemin has more stamina to practice than the other boys during practice. Sure, he could balk it up to the two years age difference, but Key knows it’s really that feeling of lust, pure unadulterated sweetness, and inexplicable crushing that’s giving Taemin happiness. Something Key hasn’t felt in a long time and probably never will if he continues his life crusade of being asexual.
He tramples into the dorm one night after another meaningless schedule and sees a dazed, disarrayed Onew laying on the sofa watching television, but not really watching it, probably exhausted from his numerous countless schedules that often turns him into a motionless zombie.
Key makes his way across the room, sliding into the space in front of Onew, his lap becoming Key’s safe haven. It’s nice, the way he fits there perfectly on Onew’s thick bulky thighs. Onew wraps his stern arms firmly around Key, shifting his weight on the sofa to make both of them more comfortable, not bothering to fix his gaze from anything else other than the television. Lazy and tired, but still caring as always, Key knows that Onew is always a good cuddle buddy.
He snuggles his nose into Onew’s ear, close, warm and inviting. He likes the feeling of being two seconds away from someone’s heartbeat, and more. He wonders if he should make moves on Onew, engage in something more than just friendly comfort and foreplay. He brushes his lips against Onew’s ear, ready to whisper something meaningful and naughty when he sees that Onew’s eyes are clamped shut and he’s a moment away from going into a twenty hour slumber.
“Onew,”
“Hmmm,”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do, stupid.” Onew lifts one eye open to look at Key lazily and then shuts it again. “This is nice.”
“It is,” Key agrees. The warmth of their embrace is nice and pure and Key lets out a little sigh, knowing one day he’ll find someone to love, someone that’s his and his only, and someone that will take him out of non-asexual misery. But not today. “Now wake up, I’m bored.”
Onew opens his eyes abruptly as his dongsaeng pinches him hard and ferociously. A roaring grin spreads across his face and Key is amused for the first time in awhile. He knows what those kinds of smiles are for. That’s a frat boy smile if he ever saw one.
“You want me to go sneak into the manager’s room and get some porn for us to watch?”
“Sure, hyung. Why not.”
“What kind should I get? Girl on girl, male on girl, male on male?”
Key hesitates in answering back, thinking it over. But he already knows the answer.
“I don’t really care.”
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=)
it's kind of all over the place, but idk. key intrigues me. ^^
----------------------
It’s boring, he decides. The ritual of mating which equates to awkward texting, drunken sexting, polite dating, not so polite one-night-stands, trying to figure out why girls complain more about dieting than they like to actually lose the weight, figuring out the correct ratio of how many compliments a girl likes before it’s overkill. The alternative isn’t that great either, as he sees the way his bandmates generally become deplorable pigs when they shut the door after a long day out, the way they scratch their balls shamelessly because that’s what guys are supposed to do, and how they playfully treat their coordi noonas like objects of flirtation for their own disposal whenever their new flings of the week never work out quite the way the want to.
Courting is just not for him.
So Key decides he is asexual. For the rest of his life. Not just his adolescent youth life, because that would just be silly.
The first person he tells is Minho. The second after he finishes his sentence, Minho pulls him into a stoic hug, cracking the bones in Key’s dainty back with a brave face on as he seriously quips, “If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. I’m always there for you, Kibum-ah.”
Key doesn’t know if he should tell anyone else after that. The consequences might be just as embarrassing. Not for Key, but for the person on the resulting end.
A couple of days later he calls up Nicole and casually mentions it in their conversation about the hottest coffee trend.
“Oh my god,” She slips into English in her state of momentary shock before reverting back to awkward Korean again. “But, but, but you live in Korea. What if the general public finds out? Will they try and make you commit suicide?”
“…You’re not going to be the one spreading it around, right? And it’s not like I’m gay.”
“Yeah, but you practically are. Omo, omo, omo, what to do.”
After they hang up, Key browses the internet and can’t figure out whether to buy Nicole a Korean or an English dictionary.
The third person he tells is Jinwoon when they are having their monthly brunch date.
“Oh, thank god,” the limber beast sighs in relief.
“What, did you think I had a crush on you or something?”
“No, now I won’t have to fight you for Nicole.” Key fights every bone in his body to not roll his eyes right then.
Key regrets opening his mouth and comes to the conclusion it isn’t imperative to tell anyone else in general or the rest of his group at the moment.
A couple weeks later, SHINee gathers around their dining table for a rare free time of breakfast-cereal-bonding. The conversation shifts into a disturbing momentum when Taemin changes the conversation about the density of Cheerios by abruptly asking something that has apparently been on his teenage mind,
“I know what sex is, but how do you do it?” Everyone spits, chugs, splatters their cereal and morning coffee out of their mouth, exchanging glances. Who is he addressing? Like all of them in that inquisitor, innocent way of his? Key selfishly wants Taemin to stay in his little bubble forever. It’s insanely adorable and non-human.
“I thought you already learned it from school. Or that Minho taught you the pragmatics of it, at least.” Onew calmly says while side-eyeing Minho.
“Ah, hyung- I was going to explain it to him but I figured Taemin would learn it on his own, the natural way-“
“Onew hyung, I don’t want to learn like what it means or what it results in, I want to learn like exactly how does one go about having it?” The table goes awkwardly silent again and Key is surprised Jonghyun and Minho haven’t doubled over in frat behavior kind of laughter.
Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Let him be youthful just a little younger.
“You should probably ask Jonghyun this. He’s the one with the most experience.” Onew cheekily states. Jonghyun becomes royally flushed, his mouth wide agape in protest with no words flying out.
“So, Jonghyun hyung. How exactly do you get Jessica noona to orgasm the way she does when she sneaks over at night?”
Chirp. Chirp.
Everyone at the table minus Taemin gets up after that blunt question. There was no way avoiding Minho’s douchetastic laughter, Onew’s fumbling awkwardness, Taemin’s confusion and Jonghyun’s utter walk of shame into his room. Key uses this entire conversation as an example of why being asexual is the flawless way of living life. Sex is pointless, he reinstates in his mind. It leads to problems and awkward conversations no matter what your orientation is.
Having sex is pointless.
When Key walks into his manager’s room a couple of days later looking for Taemin, apologetically going to explain the nitty and gritty details of the birds and bees to his inquiring mind, he walks into his manager watching male on male porn on his laptop. He's not really shocked, but disgusted all the same at anyone watching porn to get off - it was just tacky and something asexual people just didn’t have to worry about.
That night is the night in a long time that Key can’t stop wondering what it would be like to have sex in general. He can’t decide if he would like to have sex with a boy, a girl or just a carbon copy of himself in his dreams.
Key’s life as an asexualite gets boring after five months.
When they go to LA for the SM concert, Key is tempted to call up Amber and catch up with her under the guise of asking about how her leg is. When really he’s just thinking of calling her for a late-night Entourage kind of bootycall, get it out of his system and put Jonghyun’s orgasm tips to good use. He regrets even thinking something that sexually sadistic after some minutes though, and loses the courage to even call her for a stationery “Hey, baby I miss you.” Such is the sad life of being static relationship-wise.
On the SM ending stage, Hyoyeon keeps mischievously grinning towards his way and prancing around idiotically. She’s cute, Key bemuses and he knows she’s always been cute, but she’s looking particularly cute lately. So he grins back, and grabs her hands towards the fans outreached ones forcefully, and does it even rougher after she pokes his belly in stride. They walk back to the other stage together, and Key sporadically feels like reaching over and grasping her little hand into his, wanting to make their fingers intertwine and be all couply with each other. The feeling goes away after a couple of minutes though, when Eunhyuk and Onew make their way towards them and she gives both of them the same flirtatious smile she had just given Key, followed by that stupid giggling girls always do when they want something to go their way.
And Key feels bitter for the remainder of his trip in Los Angeles, feeling spiteful that all girls are players, which was why he never bothered to engage in being anything but being single. He really regretted calling Amber by then.
When they get back home to their non-usual routines, Taemin starts excitedly texting his new crush. When his hyungs nosily ask him who it is, he smartly won’t say but all of them say a little prayer that he hasn’t taken their little sex talks to use just yet. Key doesn’t care about that; he’s more surprised at his own tinges of jealousy suppressed inside himself. He’s envious of the way Taemin has smiles creeping on his face at the most random moments, the way Taemin skips around two times faster, how Taemin has more stamina to practice than the other boys during practice. Sure, he could balk it up to the two years age difference, but Key knows it’s really that feeling of lust, pure unadulterated sweetness, and inexplicable crushing that’s giving Taemin happiness. Something Key hasn’t felt in a long time and probably never will if he continues his life crusade of being asexual.
He tramples into the dorm one night after another meaningless schedule and sees a dazed, disarrayed Onew laying on the sofa watching television, but not really watching it, probably exhausted from his numerous countless schedules that often turns him into a motionless zombie.
Key makes his way across the room, sliding into the space in front of Onew, his lap becoming Key’s safe haven. It’s nice, the way he fits there perfectly on Onew’s thick bulky thighs. Onew wraps his stern arms firmly around Key, shifting his weight on the sofa to make both of them more comfortable, not bothering to fix his gaze from anything else other than the television. Lazy and tired, but still caring as always, Key knows that Onew is always a good cuddle buddy.
He snuggles his nose into Onew’s ear, close, warm and inviting. He likes the feeling of being two seconds away from someone’s heartbeat, and more. He wonders if he should make moves on Onew, engage in something more than just friendly comfort and foreplay. He brushes his lips against Onew’s ear, ready to whisper something meaningful and naughty when he sees that Onew’s eyes are clamped shut and he’s a moment away from going into a twenty hour slumber.
“Onew,”
“Hmmm,”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do, stupid.” Onew lifts one eye open to look at Key lazily and then shuts it again. “This is nice.”
“It is,” Key agrees. The warmth of their embrace is nice and pure and Key lets out a little sigh, knowing one day he’ll find someone to love, someone that’s his and his only, and someone that will take him out of non-asexual misery. But not today. “Now wake up, I’m bored.”
Onew opens his eyes abruptly as his dongsaeng pinches him hard and ferociously. A roaring grin spreads across his face and Key is amused for the first time in awhile. He knows what those kinds of smiles are for. That’s a frat boy smile if he ever saw one.
“You want me to go sneak into the manager’s room and get some porn for us to watch?”
“Sure, hyung. Why not.”
“What kind should I get? Girl on girl, male on girl, male on male?”
Key hesitates in answering back, thinking it over. But he already knows the answer.
“I don’t really care.”
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=)