The obligatory resolution post.
Ouch.
Will you think I'm weird if I tell you my armpit is in amazing pain? Oh, well in that case, forget I mentioned it.
YOWZA!!!
Everybody always asks about resolutions this time of year. It's seasonal small talk. I don't ever have anything to offer when I get asked by the populace because I've just never seen the need to alter my behavior because of an arbitrary calendar shift. I need to alter my behavior, most of the time, because said behavior is getting me into trouble. Still, it may be good to come up with a few resolutions for the inevitable question when I get back to work Wednesday. No, not the question, "Did you get hammered?" but "Did you make any resolutions?" Here's my list:
1. I resolve to spend significantly more time in foreplay.
2. I resolve to recommit myself to my ongoing battle against my ancient foe - gravity. I will not flag in my defiance, even if it becomes necessary to sleep on the ceiling.
3. I resolve to keep all zombies out of the laundry room if I'm not off at work.
4. I resolve to keep it real, but only after first setting it free. If it comes back to me, it was always mine to keep real. If it never comes back, it was probably a cheap Chinese knock-off replica all along.
5. I resolve to dissolve when appropriate. Also I will lather, rinse and repeat.
6. I resolve to find the gum that truly speaks to who I am at my foundation.
7. I resolve to love myself in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
8. I resolve to eat anything I kill, excluding insects. This resolution is mostly for the protection of the communities in which I work and live. Around here, there's nothing but white bread and crackers, and I've never been one for bland food. (Fun Fact: The honky who drives the Pepsi truck is a soda cracker!)
9. I resolve not to eat anything I find laying around on the ground unless it's Easter.
10. I resolve not to photocopy my butt and send it to my college philosophy professor with a note stating, "This is Plato's Cave."
Will you think I'm weird if I tell you my armpit is in amazing pain? Oh, well in that case, forget I mentioned it.
YOWZA!!!
Everybody always asks about resolutions this time of year. It's seasonal small talk. I don't ever have anything to offer when I get asked by the populace because I've just never seen the need to alter my behavior because of an arbitrary calendar shift. I need to alter my behavior, most of the time, because said behavior is getting me into trouble. Still, it may be good to come up with a few resolutions for the inevitable question when I get back to work Wednesday. No, not the question, "Did you get hammered?" but "Did you make any resolutions?" Here's my list:
1. I resolve to spend significantly more time in foreplay.
2. I resolve to recommit myself to my ongoing battle against my ancient foe - gravity. I will not flag in my defiance, even if it becomes necessary to sleep on the ceiling.
3. I resolve to keep all zombies out of the laundry room if I'm not off at work.
4. I resolve to keep it real, but only after first setting it free. If it comes back to me, it was always mine to keep real. If it never comes back, it was probably a cheap Chinese knock-off replica all along.
5. I resolve to dissolve when appropriate. Also I will lather, rinse and repeat.
6. I resolve to find the gum that truly speaks to who I am at my foundation.
7. I resolve to love myself in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
8. I resolve to eat anything I kill, excluding insects. This resolution is mostly for the protection of the communities in which I work and live. Around here, there's nothing but white bread and crackers, and I've never been one for bland food. (Fun Fact: The honky who drives the Pepsi truck is a soda cracker!)
9. I resolve not to eat anything I find laying around on the ground unless it's Easter.
10. I resolve not to photocopy my butt and send it to my college philosophy professor with a note stating, "This is Plato's Cave."