Mr Knox calls the Cops
*picks up phone, checks number, dials*
Yes, hello, I'd like to speak to Officer Cubbins please. Thank you.
Hello, Officer Cubbins? Sargeant Cubbins. Sorry. Look, I need some help here. How do I go about getting a restraining order or filing a complaint or whatever? Yes, someone's bothering me. Yeah, there's this little creep following me around harrassing me and I want it to stop.
Good, good, well, his name is Sam. Sam Iams, I think he said. Yeah, I think so, like the dog food. Little guy, not big at all . . . I don't know, kinda fuzzy? Always wearing this goofy hat though. Red. Kind of like a derby, I guess, but, um, lopsided? Look, forget the hat, I just want this guy to leave me alone, okay?
What's he do? He's stalking me, that's what he's doing. Every where I go any more this guy turns up and starts pestering me. Okay, maybe I'm not saying this strong enough; it's more than just pestering. He comes right up to me, shoves a platter of putrid food in my face and tells me to eat it. Yeah, it's sick! Green, rotting food, shoving it right in my face, I swear last time I almost puked. This morning. I'll tell you where, while I was in my goddam car, that's where. Yeah, on my way to work.
Look, he's some kind of creepy perv, this guy. He shoves that crap in my face, then makes these vague, weird sexual references. Well, like once he asks me if I've ever done it on a boat, which is weird enough, but then he looks at me and says, "Would you, could you, with a goat?" And get this, he's brought a goat with him! What the fu- . . . excuse me, but what the hell is with this guy? He should be put away! At the very least I don't want him bothering me any more. Is there something the police can do, Sargeant?
*relieved sigh* Yes, yes I would very much like to fill out a criminal complaint. The station? Hold on, let me look out and make sure he's not lurking outside my house. My God, there he . . . wait, no that's not him. That stupid Lorax is in my yard again. Y'know I called you guys about him last week, when am I gonna see some action on that, huh?
Yeah, I think that would be better. Yes, that's right, you've been out to my place before. It's the one on bricks on blocks with all the chicks and clocks out front. Yeah, on Mulberry street. That's right, you know the place. In fact, last time you were here I think you left your hat.