Happy Birthday, Grandma!
I think you would have been celebrating your 79th birthday. I know that it was your death that was my first REAL trauma in life. And I know I watched, like a fuckin loser, the threads of my life unravel because of it because I just didn't do anything. Or at least I did what I was told, or what I thought I "should" do, not what I wanted to do. And those were defining moments in my life where I didn't show up. I didn't realize that they were going to be so pivotal. I guess that is the lesson though- you never know which moment in life is going to be the most impactful, so you should live as authentically as you can.
It is a hard lesson to learn. And it is still the putting it into practice that makes the lesson so hard.
I still wish that I could have known you as a woman. Like woman to woman. I feel like you were constantly worried. I think you worried to death. I don't know how much faith you had in yourself, because I know you had a lot of faith in God. I don't know if you thought you were pretty or not. I don't know if you wished to travel to certain places. I don't know if you ever wanted to be a dancer or a doctor or any of your own personal ambitions. I wish you could have told me some marriage advice face to face. I wish you could have told me that you were proud of me now. Or not! i wish you could just TELL ME if you hated how I turned out, or that you think I'm a piece of shit or whatever it is. I wish you could tell me about all the family members and where I come from. I wish that I had your wit and knowledge of home remedies. I wish you could show me how to cook. I wish you could tell me who's your favorite child and why.
But it's never gonna happen. Not here; not in this plane. Hopefully, maybe in the ethers somewhere we can chat.
I know I got your love for talking on the phone.
And every time I hum, I think of you. I don't hum often though, and that's when I realize I'm without you.
I don't think I will ever get over not having you anymore, and I don't think I have to. I think all if motivates me to heal. For you. for mom. for me. for any of the women that come after us.
Sat Nam
It is a hard lesson to learn. And it is still the putting it into practice that makes the lesson so hard.
I still wish that I could have known you as a woman. Like woman to woman. I feel like you were constantly worried. I think you worried to death. I don't know how much faith you had in yourself, because I know you had a lot of faith in God. I don't know if you thought you were pretty or not. I don't know if you wished to travel to certain places. I don't know if you ever wanted to be a dancer or a doctor or any of your own personal ambitions. I wish you could have told me some marriage advice face to face. I wish you could have told me that you were proud of me now. Or not! i wish you could just TELL ME if you hated how I turned out, or that you think I'm a piece of shit or whatever it is. I wish you could tell me about all the family members and where I come from. I wish that I had your wit and knowledge of home remedies. I wish you could show me how to cook. I wish you could tell me who's your favorite child and why.
But it's never gonna happen. Not here; not in this plane. Hopefully, maybe in the ethers somewhere we can chat.
I know I got your love for talking on the phone.
And every time I hum, I think of you. I don't hum often though, and that's when I realize I'm without you.
I don't think I will ever get over not having you anymore, and I don't think I have to. I think all if motivates me to heal. For you. for mom. for me. for any of the women that come after us.
Sat Nam