winter soltice
yaaaaaaay winter soltice! this means that everyday from here on out will only be getting BETTER AND BETTER.
so a lot of shit has happened this past weekend alone. school ended i got a b, c-, and a d. so far. i dunno about the rest. but i dont care anymore
i also have come home to dg. I FUCKIN HATE THIS TOWN! seriously, it just does stuff to people. it turns out that my friends are truely a buncha whores. They seriously all have a drinking problem. They get WAAAAAAAAAASTED and just have all this sexual repression that they unleash on eachother. Beth and raeanne have fucked eachother, yet they dont remember. Beth and ktk have made out hardcore when they were "drunk as shit". ktk and raeanne have fucked eachother... nauss fuckin takes everyone's sloppy seconds.. i just dont get it!
i dont want to roll with people like that i guess. im not saying im better than them, im just saying im too old for this shit. this kinda shit should have been happening 10 years ago not now at 24.
i fuckin hate this town! it just makes you do shit even if u dont wanna. its like... temptations black hole that just sucks you right in becuase you have nothing better to do. FUCK THIS PLACE!
i now know what it means to be on the other side of me. i have been called untrustworthy many times by men that i have truely wanted to be with. and my arguement was always that if everything else is great, why not just let me EARN your trust if u dont trust me? well know i know how that feels. in true dg fashion nauss snatched up my make out sloppy seconds with adam and fucked him literally just a few hours after his lips were on mine. WHAT.A.BITCH. fuckin both of them. becuase that sad thing is- i thought it had potential. but WHOOPS adam has to go and ruin it and break my trust... DAMNIT NOW I KNOW HOW IT FEELS!!!! u see that? that was KARMA right there- pure and simple.
i no longer think about eddie. actually thats a lie, but i no longer hold on to the idea of him so tightly. yes, he made this stupid smile come over my face; yes, i care about him very much; but no, he doesnt care about me in that way at all. so why am i even going to bother? I want to only spend my time making priorities of the people that make ME a priority. I dont want to give give give, and get nothign back. nor do i want to take take take and give nothing back.
monogomy is no longer freightening to me. its refreshing! you just have to find the right person to fuck and work with hahah. i would love to spawn and grow an army of wonderful people- i just have to find the right wonderful man first to do so with. I have to try and find true value in myself again. And im getting there, but after years and years of piling on layers and layers and learning bad habbits, its going to be tough to break them. i want to replace the detremental ones with healthy ones. i think i need to leave this place to do all that tho. becuase i just go right back to square one if i dont.
i just keep thinking about how easy it was to stay with kevin. i could plan it alllll out in my head. we would be togehter. we would move to somewhere like dekalb. we would live in the chicagoland area for at least 3 years. maybe we would move somewhere else. then we might live a life. except heres the problem: kevin doesnt want to fucking leave starbucks. he says he does, but he still hasnt. what makes you think that after 9 years of working there he wont? i dont think his music is any good. at all. how can u stay with someone like that? that u dont believe in? he loved me sooo much. and i loved him to. but not as much as he did me. and i felt bad about it! like the difference was just too great that it caused pain- to both of us. i dont want to have his children. he wouldnt raise them the way i would want my children raised. im talking about in the very very begining. i think the most imporatnt years of your life are until your 7. then things start to change. after 13 kevin woudl be a great dad... but i wouldnt like his up to 7.and unfortunately i am the only one with a college degree. so i would have to be the bread winner. kevin wants nothing to do with anything that would set him apart from the rest. he is just content enough to stay emotionally where he is. The other thing is his friends are the same way. actually no. i guess the best way to describe this would be how he looks up to linnea so much. its like shes artsy and talented and funny yeah sure but shes a drug addict, and dirty, and totally unhealthy tho she claims that being a vegetarian is the shit. she just lives with her boyfriend and keeps claiming that they dont have money, and makes herself look ugly as hell. yes, you can shop at resale shops all you want- that is GREAT! and im all for it, really but you just look like a slob. "i dont care what people think" welll you should. to some degree. its called having "dignity". and yet he thinks she's the shit....
i miss him- i do. but i know that i cant keep wishing he was something more because only he can do that for himself.
moving on, im starting to think that sex is simple. you find someone you connect with mentally and the physically its all gravy. NOT TRUE THO if you dont put effort into the physical. im not saying that it should be difficult... but you cant just be all nonchilant about it either. its a different kind of work i guess...
so all in all i can say a lot of things are coming full circle. which is great! im excited to be growing. ive been hearing a lot of people say that "the real world isnt what its talked up to be..." and i think that that is incredibly sad. not only are you trying to burst my bubble, but really? COME ON! i would LOVE to not be in school because seriously, i see myself having A LIFE! i dunno what youre doing with your time or your money... but im going to be living. I want to exercise daily, i want to cook, i want to make art, i want to watch movies, i want to read books, i want to visit with family members. i want to go to the symphony, i want to go to ride my bike. i want to write a book, i want to dance, i want to just be.
and its coming- oh its comin! and if not im going to it- no point in just standing here.
so a lot of shit has happened this past weekend alone. school ended i got a b, c-, and a d. so far. i dunno about the rest. but i dont care anymore
i also have come home to dg. I FUCKIN HATE THIS TOWN! seriously, it just does stuff to people. it turns out that my friends are truely a buncha whores. They seriously all have a drinking problem. They get WAAAAAAAAAASTED and just have all this sexual repression that they unleash on eachother. Beth and raeanne have fucked eachother, yet they dont remember. Beth and ktk have made out hardcore when they were "drunk as shit". ktk and raeanne have fucked eachother... nauss fuckin takes everyone's sloppy seconds.. i just dont get it!
i dont want to roll with people like that i guess. im not saying im better than them, im just saying im too old for this shit. this kinda shit should have been happening 10 years ago not now at 24.
i fuckin hate this town! it just makes you do shit even if u dont wanna. its like... temptations black hole that just sucks you right in becuase you have nothing better to do. FUCK THIS PLACE!
i now know what it means to be on the other side of me. i have been called untrustworthy many times by men that i have truely wanted to be with. and my arguement was always that if everything else is great, why not just let me EARN your trust if u dont trust me? well know i know how that feels. in true dg fashion nauss snatched up my make out sloppy seconds with adam and fucked him literally just a few hours after his lips were on mine. WHAT.A.BITCH. fuckin both of them. becuase that sad thing is- i thought it had potential. but WHOOPS adam has to go and ruin it and break my trust... DAMNIT NOW I KNOW HOW IT FEELS!!!! u see that? that was KARMA right there- pure and simple.
i no longer think about eddie. actually thats a lie, but i no longer hold on to the idea of him so tightly. yes, he made this stupid smile come over my face; yes, i care about him very much; but no, he doesnt care about me in that way at all. so why am i even going to bother? I want to only spend my time making priorities of the people that make ME a priority. I dont want to give give give, and get nothign back. nor do i want to take take take and give nothing back.
monogomy is no longer freightening to me. its refreshing! you just have to find the right person to fuck and work with hahah. i would love to spawn and grow an army of wonderful people- i just have to find the right wonderful man first to do so with. I have to try and find true value in myself again. And im getting there, but after years and years of piling on layers and layers and learning bad habbits, its going to be tough to break them. i want to replace the detremental ones with healthy ones. i think i need to leave this place to do all that tho. becuase i just go right back to square one if i dont.
i just keep thinking about how easy it was to stay with kevin. i could plan it alllll out in my head. we would be togehter. we would move to somewhere like dekalb. we would live in the chicagoland area for at least 3 years. maybe we would move somewhere else. then we might live a life. except heres the problem: kevin doesnt want to fucking leave starbucks. he says he does, but he still hasnt. what makes you think that after 9 years of working there he wont? i dont think his music is any good. at all. how can u stay with someone like that? that u dont believe in? he loved me sooo much. and i loved him to. but not as much as he did me. and i felt bad about it! like the difference was just too great that it caused pain- to both of us. i dont want to have his children. he wouldnt raise them the way i would want my children raised. im talking about in the very very begining. i think the most imporatnt years of your life are until your 7. then things start to change. after 13 kevin woudl be a great dad... but i wouldnt like his up to 7.and unfortunately i am the only one with a college degree. so i would have to be the bread winner. kevin wants nothing to do with anything that would set him apart from the rest. he is just content enough to stay emotionally where he is. The other thing is his friends are the same way. actually no. i guess the best way to describe this would be how he looks up to linnea so much. its like shes artsy and talented and funny yeah sure but shes a drug addict, and dirty, and totally unhealthy tho she claims that being a vegetarian is the shit. she just lives with her boyfriend and keeps claiming that they dont have money, and makes herself look ugly as hell. yes, you can shop at resale shops all you want- that is GREAT! and im all for it, really but you just look like a slob. "i dont care what people think" welll you should. to some degree. its called having "dignity". and yet he thinks she's the shit....
i miss him- i do. but i know that i cant keep wishing he was something more because only he can do that for himself.
moving on, im starting to think that sex is simple. you find someone you connect with mentally and the physically its all gravy. NOT TRUE THO if you dont put effort into the physical. im not saying that it should be difficult... but you cant just be all nonchilant about it either. its a different kind of work i guess...
so all in all i can say a lot of things are coming full circle. which is great! im excited to be growing. ive been hearing a lot of people say that "the real world isnt what its talked up to be..." and i think that that is incredibly sad. not only are you trying to burst my bubble, but really? COME ON! i would LOVE to not be in school because seriously, i see myself having A LIFE! i dunno what youre doing with your time or your money... but im going to be living. I want to exercise daily, i want to cook, i want to make art, i want to watch movies, i want to read books, i want to visit with family members. i want to go to the symphony, i want to go to ride my bike. i want to write a book, i want to dance, i want to just be.
and its coming- oh its comin! and if not im going to it- no point in just standing here.