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[sku3397]

what is man after all but a hollow shell of shadows and dust? what is man but for emotions? does that make one human? to think and feel? not to think.. a flea can think. but to feel. to love. to mourn. does shedding blood make you human? but does rushing to someone's aide who falls and spills blood... to find beauty in all things.. joy and sorrow at last are all the same.. yet not.. when one is afraid.. when one feels the genuine emptiness of love... departed.. even when you know that love carries on past all boundries.. and then can you know that love is true.. but what when you know your love is true? what when you know your love is true and it leaves you but is still there? which hurts more? to know that your michelle corum is 500 miles away and you could never see her? or does it hurt more to realize that she does not love you? i suppose it is far better to know that she still loves you.. because there is always.. always a tomorrow.. and at the very least.. to know that someone loves you as much as you lover her.. to know that michelle truly cares about me so deeply.. that is such a solace to a dead man... a dead man.. for life.. life your only possesion.. your right.. and my life is love.. i love to love.. and to find the right person to share it with.. someone who cares about me genuinely and completely.. someone who i really truly actually matter to on the deepest of all levels is everything.. i know that i have accomplished the finding.. and to make the other person so happy.. that is my passion.. to make michelle happy.. truly.. do you know what i would give to rub her feet? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO HOLD HER HAND?! of course you dont. but what if you do? who am i after all.. to say.. to sing deep for her next to her ear.. the beauty of life is not only the highs.. but the lows... so they say.. do i agree? maybe.. who knows who cares.. when you lay on your bed crying for hours feeling nothing but the want for death and seeing no light.. do you truly want to die? no. because there is always tomorrow.. or two motnths from now.. but how horrible it will be to spend so much time with love.. and have is visiously brutally savagely barbaricly evily grossly lj;zkldgkjdghkxgfkjxg FUCKING TORN AWAY FROM YOU IN AN INSTANT.. no... noone could ever know that feeling but we few who do. is there a music to suit this mood? no.. nothing.. words or song could ever suit it because there could never anythign that truly communicates feeling.. i do not love michelle.. love is far too shallow. love is bullshit. an overused word without meaning. my true feelings.. anyones true feelings are beyond words.. so we are so forced to use love.. the word love.. doesnt it look so beautiful? the word? the letters? because we have grown accomodated to seeing it as beautiful.. and for lack of a better word love is beautiful. for lack of a bretter word i love michelle.. but nothing could ever.. EVER.. EVER FUCKING EXPRESS THAT. no word could ever express what fuck is meant to express. rage fear l;ove happyness.. a thousand different words in a thousand different languages.. all meaningless because the only thing you couodl ever do is look into her eyes and KNOW that you meant something to her.. never could it be expressed over a phone.. hah... but isnt that how the relationship has grown? isnt it?! you could go to say that since i have grown to know her over the internet.. over the phone.. i have fallen in love with the truest elemtnt of the person... michelle's true persona surfaces through the phone and the relationship is not based on anything physical. but i know different. the relationship is based nothing whatsoever on physical appearences.. because.. as i have this past days.. i have seen her jsut getting out of a car from a nine hour ride.. just getting out of bed.. no time for "primping" and such.. and she is still the single most gorgeous beautiful creature God has ever created... its because i see the inside of her.. isnt it? and i wish that she cou;dnt read this.. i wish noone could. but i need somehwhere to put it and i want someone to see it and read it.. someone to read this thouroughly and completely and understand it... and i know that onloy she will.. people in virginia suck. shallow hollow bastards obsessed with drugs and petty ramas.. i liek tennessee.. i wantto be there.. i want to be inb ireland.. with her... alone together in the wilderness.. but oh will that ever happen? i WILL make it happen. and so this is the outpouring of my emotions.. does it make me feel better? a little? chain smoke pot drugs.. a beast out of a man.. does that make me feel better. in no way could it ever. this pain is too deep. i care for noone and nothing in this life. notr a single person matters to me. it is such a terrible life to live.. i care abotut people.. a great many.. but compared to michelle.. compared to my feeling for her it is nothing.. i think i may have an attachment disorder.. never have iu truly fwelt naything on the deepest of all levels.. my best friends.. david.. nick... crystal.. i have no real others.. they have their own place in my heart.. but not in my heart. they are my best friends.. and i care about them.. but nothjing on the level of michelle.. and this is where words fall away and you must use your own emotions to fathom and guess at mine. michelle is impossible to describe.. give three words about her.. whats your favorite thing about her? why do you love her? i could never in a million years answer any of that. foo fighters. nirvana. i care about the bands.. somehow they are different.. ella and tina.. i hardly know them.. but somehow they are different from all the rest and mean something different to me. i would cry if they died. i would help them through anything and i hardly know them. this is where michelle was.. i first talked to michelle.. her very first words to me.. she was different.. she was like no other on the face of this earth.. ever was or ever will be.. michelle is the one and only person that has ever reached to the deepest part of me.. parts i never knew existed.. i am just barely beginning to grasp that she lovesme.. and that she loves me as i love her.. that she would die for me jsut as i would die for her.. i always say i love you more because i truly belive that... but it is so false.. i cant understand it though.. i cannot understand that someone could ever care about me so much as i care about her.. that michelle actually cares abotu me so much.. but as she sat in the car.. fallign asleep while she was sick.. i contemplated and tried to grasp this.. im making progess tro overcome this barrier.. i see it is that,, i see her love as red life flowing into me.. but it hits a wall.. a thick anbd hard stone wall.. thsi wall that surrounds my heart.. i cannot truly feel her love.. but i can feel that wall detriorating.. it is such a wonderful grand great amazing beautiful graceful amazing INDESCRIBABLE feeling.. it is so good to feel thatr stone being chipped away.. and i only want to make that person who does it.. michelle.. feel the best in the world i must treat her like she is the best person on the planet.. because she truly is.. not jsut because she is in the process.. her love is in the process of opening me up and reaching my insides.. but because it is her.. and there is just somethign so amazing and uncompareable about her... something.. something.. everything.. everything that words cannot describe and never will.... ever,.. i love it.. for lack of a better word... we have to accomodate love to our own meaning.. mine is completely indiscriavble.. it means to me.. literally.. it means michelle corum. and i want to say more but i want this entry to end on that sentance.. love means michelle corum. so remember that. whoever reads this.. rem,ember that michelle corum IS love to me. i want to be so perfect for her.. not out ofgratitude.. not out of anything...but purely because.. well i dont know.. i do know that part of me wanting to be perfect.. i never want to make a mistake around her.. nbecause i am deathly afraid that she might think ill of me or love me less.. even the tiniest chip off of her love.. even the tiniest reduction of her love for me would kill me... i need to learn to overcome that.. and now that it has been identified.. right this very moiment.. it will eventually dissapate.. that stone wall.. nothing could ever break it down.. but her love.. and only michelle corums love.. i have loved.. i have been loved.. by a thousand people both ways.. more than anyone knows but myself and God. but somehow i know for certain that michelle is the one to make me right.. and i admit i feel wrong saying that.. i feel scared.. i dont want to say that michelle is the one. i hate saying that.. because i dont know the future and i am afraid of it.. im scared that im wrong.. and i really really truly do not wantto be wrong. i want michelle to be the one. I KNOW SHE IS THE ONE.. i really do.. but somerhting in me wont let me accept that.. natural defense mechanism? cant be natural.. its been built up somewhere in my life.. and i hate to place blame... but maybe my father? thats what everyone says. he never really cared much for me.. and have i grown up emotionally hardened. sure have. i can see in my minds eye two layers of my self.. a stony cold rough and jagged exterior.. rock hard.. lets noone and nothing in.. and i desparately want to sluff it off.. leavbe it behind.. soar right through it.. no.. i dont want to touch it.. even to escape it and go through it.. i just want to dissapear right away from it... it is of the third demension.. i am of the fourth.. i must find a way to use this and escape this shell.. leave it behind and away.. because i can never truly love michelle unless i do.. it always finds faults in people.. it finds faults in things that the inner part would love and nurture... i need to get away from it. my inner corre.. the second layer.. who i really truly am.. is a soft reddish loving layer.. emotion.. goodness... that is who i want to be,,. it is who i truly am. but it can hardly ever show.. when it does.. when it shows the most is when i am with her. with michelle. the outer is evil. pure evil.. it protects me from nothing.. it keeps out all good feelings and things.. and lets in and magnifies all bad things.. my insides.. my inner core.. it is like a lock.. it has an infinite amount of tumblers.. to whcih noone exactly matxches.. yet.. michelle.. as i grow to know her more and more and more.. spend time with her.. only she has ever filled every one of those tumblers... i knew this from the beginning.. our first conversations.. she was different.. i grew to know her.. i grew to love her.. and she matches me. she is who i was made to be with.. and who that inner core was made to match. somewhow i know this.. and if she left.. i would die.. truly.. because wehat point is there to life without love, the most beautiful thing? she has filled each and evry one of those infinite number of tumblers.. an impossible thing.. but it has been done.. now the key must be turned and the lock unlocked.. destroying my outer shell.. but how long will that take? is it a single mechanism? i feel so hollow. i need it soon.. but i know that it can only be achieved with her.. when i am with her.. i can feel my inner core throbbing.. seeking release.. in the car.. i felt the wall coming down.. i felt myself accepting her love.. accepting that she loves me jsut as much as i love her... how is that possible? yet it is.. my mind knows it is.. but my heart, so to speak, cannot accept it. very soon.. the wall is to thin.. is is almost down and destroyed.. it will come down soon. very soon.. christmas probably.. i just need more time to be with her.. to be with michelle.. the love of my life.. for she truly is that. she is who i was meant to be with. i cannot waitto feel her love truly.. it is such a great feeling already.. bettewr than al lthe best effects of all drugs combined.. hah.. stupid substances.. use em for fun kids.. not for escape. i think im spent.. i dont fell liek it.. but i dont knowwhat else to write about.. all i know.. all i can think about is that i love her.. i love michelle.. with everything that i am.. and i know she loves me jsut as much. i know it.

my inner feelings are all one thing. michelle corum.

love is michelle corum.