(no subject)
Just a few pointers for those of you who one day find yourself in front of 300 sixth-graders talking about books:
-always make sure your fly is zipped BEFORE you go on stage, because realizing it half-way through the presentation is a little distracting. Thank god for black pants, long shirts, bright lights, and auditorium seating because I don't think anyone could tell but me...
-when saying your book titles, speak VERY clearly. Especially when your book title is "The Folk Keeper." Mumbling will only make your tongue slip up, and they you'll have answer to all those parents who are less then impressed by your new vocabulary word. (I would like to say that I was doing JUST FINE until one of the media specialists mentioned to me that she would be nervous talking about that book because she would be afraid of slipping up with the title...and as soon as she said it, I couldn't get it out of my head. Damn.)
-when a child tells you that your life is "so cool," try not to laugh manically. It will only scare the child, and set the media specialist off on giggles, until both of you are laughing a BIT too hard.
-and finally, when the fire alarm goes off during your first presentation, it is ok to be frustrated. When the fire alarm goes off again a few minutes after re-entering the building, it is not ok to joke that obviously you pulled it because you secretly hate reading. The jury is still out on, when the fire alarm goes off a third time, if it is acceptable to flirt with the firemen, having abandoned all hope of getting through the presentation.
And just an extra little life lesson:
-if you're driving down the road, windows down, and a bee flies into your car, do not swerve off the road, jump out of the car, and run a few feet away from it. This will only cause very nice passing motorists think that your engine is on fire. And like the good citizens they are, they will stop to help you. And you will have to explain to them that, no no, it's worse than that, a bee just flew in your car. And amidst the looks of utter disbelief, you'll mumble something about needle phobias and bee-butts, and it will all be quite mortifying; though not half as mortifying as when the nice motorists decide to help you get the bee out of your car, and have to see all the soda bottles, fast food wrappers, and book piles that now occupy EVERY INCH of your vehicle.
Remember kids, just like wearing clean underwear in case of an accident, always keep a tidy car in case of bee-attacks.
Love and hysteria,
Lauren
-always make sure your fly is zipped BEFORE you go on stage, because realizing it half-way through the presentation is a little distracting. Thank god for black pants, long shirts, bright lights, and auditorium seating because I don't think anyone could tell but me...
-when saying your book titles, speak VERY clearly. Especially when your book title is "The Folk Keeper." Mumbling will only make your tongue slip up, and they you'll have answer to all those parents who are less then impressed by your new vocabulary word. (I would like to say that I was doing JUST FINE until one of the media specialists mentioned to me that she would be nervous talking about that book because she would be afraid of slipping up with the title...and as soon as she said it, I couldn't get it out of my head. Damn.)
-when a child tells you that your life is "so cool," try not to laugh manically. It will only scare the child, and set the media specialist off on giggles, until both of you are laughing a BIT too hard.
-and finally, when the fire alarm goes off during your first presentation, it is ok to be frustrated. When the fire alarm goes off again a few minutes after re-entering the building, it is not ok to joke that obviously you pulled it because you secretly hate reading. The jury is still out on, when the fire alarm goes off a third time, if it is acceptable to flirt with the firemen, having abandoned all hope of getting through the presentation.
And just an extra little life lesson:
-if you're driving down the road, windows down, and a bee flies into your car, do not swerve off the road, jump out of the car, and run a few feet away from it. This will only cause very nice passing motorists think that your engine is on fire. And like the good citizens they are, they will stop to help you. And you will have to explain to them that, no no, it's worse than that, a bee just flew in your car. And amidst the looks of utter disbelief, you'll mumble something about needle phobias and bee-butts, and it will all be quite mortifying; though not half as mortifying as when the nice motorists decide to help you get the bee out of your car, and have to see all the soda bottles, fast food wrappers, and book piles that now occupy EVERY INCH of your vehicle.
Remember kids, just like wearing clean underwear in case of an accident, always keep a tidy car in case of bee-attacks.
Love and hysteria,
Lauren