Her highness requests you depart.
These are some comments I posted in response to a forum post. I didn't want them to get lost, so here they are.
Responding to:
Some Christian dating articles/books/blogs will give some variant of this advice to a girl if she is asked out by a guy she isn't romantically attracted to: "Let him down gently. If you don't think you would make a good couple, make it clear to him that you like him as a friend, but that's as far as you want it to go."
The attitude seems to be that if a guy she isn't attracted to asks her out (even if he is a Christian and of good character), he is like a little puppy whom she simply cannot adopt, no matter how "cute" or "sad" he's acting. Basically, it appears to convey the message, "If the man doesn't fit [...] it's best to drop his invitation." And so, it becomes all about the girl, instead of also being about the guy asking her.
It's kind of unfair that we tell men they have to always be the ones who step out and take risks, and women get the luxury of waiting around and either waving away or holding out the scepter to their many potential suitors. I'd go beyond just that women should not consider themselves above dating someone (who isn't obviously defective (e.g., treats her disrespectfully, is obviously married already)) and say that women should sometimes initiate contact and make themselves available to be asked out.
But, I have to remember that men are the ones charged with leadership, and leadership requires risk... but that doesn't make it fair, and it doesn't convey to women this queenly position (You aren't a queen just because you're a princess) that is implied by the idea that women should prejudge men who ask them out without spending any time with them.
I think a woman shouldn't turn down a man for reasons of convenience (busy calendar, can't picture him as her husband without knowing what kind of man he is on the inside, etc.), and if there's a good reason, she should be honest: "I'm in a relationship." "I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone, because I'm going oversees/joining a convent/recently out of a relationship/focusing on school." "I don't want to go out with you because you don't control your temper."
Even if the reason is flaky, she should be honest: "I think you're ugly." "I don't like your tattoos." "I don't like your car."
But definitely not any cop-outs: "God told me you aren't the one." "I think we should just be friends." "I'm washing my hair that night."
Ladies, men take great emotional risk to ask you out at all. You don't have to say yes to every man who asks, but you do owe them your complete honesty. Anything less shows disrespect for the man, for the image of God inside him, and for yourself. A lame excuse cheapens you as a woman and sows in your heart a variance with trust and honesty that will not help you in a real relationship. Answering honestly will also help you examine your heart to see where you are being shallow or petty about what you look for in a man.
So, if a guy asks you out, 'don't think of yourself more highly than you ought', but give him an honest answer without excuses or condescension.
And I think there's a lot to the idea of giving a guy a chance to show you what's in his heart. You never know, ladies. He may be just what you're looking for when he isn't in the exact situation he was in when he asked you out. But if you snub him, you'll never know.
Responding to:
Some Christian dating articles/books/blogs will give some variant of this advice to a girl if she is asked out by a guy she isn't romantically attracted to: "Let him down gently. If you don't think you would make a good couple, make it clear to him that you like him as a friend, but that's as far as you want it to go."
The attitude seems to be that if a guy she isn't attracted to asks her out (even if he is a Christian and of good character), he is like a little puppy whom she simply cannot adopt, no matter how "cute" or "sad" he's acting. Basically, it appears to convey the message, "If the man doesn't fit [...] it's best to drop his invitation." And so, it becomes all about the girl, instead of also being about the guy asking her.
It's kind of unfair that we tell men they have to always be the ones who step out and take risks, and women get the luxury of waiting around and either waving away or holding out the scepter to their many potential suitors. I'd go beyond just that women should not consider themselves above dating someone (who isn't obviously defective (e.g., treats her disrespectfully, is obviously married already)) and say that women should sometimes initiate contact and make themselves available to be asked out.
But, I have to remember that men are the ones charged with leadership, and leadership requires risk... but that doesn't make it fair, and it doesn't convey to women this queenly position (You aren't a queen just because you're a princess) that is implied by the idea that women should prejudge men who ask them out without spending any time with them.
I think a woman shouldn't turn down a man for reasons of convenience (busy calendar, can't picture him as her husband without knowing what kind of man he is on the inside, etc.), and if there's a good reason, she should be honest: "I'm in a relationship." "I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone, because I'm going oversees/joining a convent/recently out of a relationship/focusing on school." "I don't want to go out with you because you don't control your temper."
Even if the reason is flaky, she should be honest: "I think you're ugly." "I don't like your tattoos." "I don't like your car."
But definitely not any cop-outs: "God told me you aren't the one." "I think we should just be friends." "I'm washing my hair that night."
Ladies, men take great emotional risk to ask you out at all. You don't have to say yes to every man who asks, but you do owe them your complete honesty. Anything less shows disrespect for the man, for the image of God inside him, and for yourself. A lame excuse cheapens you as a woman and sows in your heart a variance with trust and honesty that will not help you in a real relationship. Answering honestly will also help you examine your heart to see where you are being shallow or petty about what you look for in a man.
So, if a guy asks you out, 'don't think of yourself more highly than you ought', but give him an honest answer without excuses or condescension.
And I think there's a lot to the idea of giving a guy a chance to show you what's in his heart. You never know, ladies. He may be just what you're looking for when he isn't in the exact situation he was in when he asked you out. But if you snub him, you'll never know.