The list... and the reasons.
Someone asked about my list a few days ago, and I mentioned my journal, so I started thinking about the list.
I decided to go through it and offer a little bit of explanation about why I think each item is important. I know there are people who think a list of criteria is a bad idea, but I think going into marriage without a detailed idea of the kinds of things that are likely to make a relationships either stronger or rockier is a worse idea.
Every item on my list (other than physical attributes) has some basis in either avoiding unnecessary conflicts or providing points of support to my future marriage.
I also believe that a list is a good thing because it allows you to recognize a good thing when you see it.
My word of caution is that I don't require all of these attributes in my future wife. Only the ones at the top of the list are hard-and-fast rules. Also, my judgment of someone's matching of many of these items might be different from that of someone who thinks she probably doesn't fit a particular criterion.
Here, then, is my list explained.
She is a Christian.
Jesus is the most important thing in my life. If He's not the most important thing in hers, we won't grow closer to each other through the years.
She respects me.
I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me. Proverbs repeatedly points out that solitude is less painful than living with a disrespectful woman.
She has flexibility in dealing with people and events.
I believe flexibility is a necessity in most things, but particularly in missions and ministry. Also, I have several quirks of my own that make flexibility an asset in my friends.
She is free from addictions.
You can't commit to a righteous walk or to a serious relationship if you are ensnared by some addiction.
She is 100% non-smoker.
I have sinus problems, allergies, and a history of asthma. I don't want to be around someone who makes my breathing harder. Plus, most smoking products make their users stink.
She is committed to a life-long marriage.
If she's not committed to the principle that marriage is for life, I'm not going to believe wedding vows.
She is interested in having children.
I want to be a good father. I want to have or adopt as many children as God and my wife will give me.
She believes in a Biblical discipline style.
The rearing of children is very important. I want my children raised according to the Word of God.
She has a strong spiritual relationship with Jesus the Christ.
Because I need a companion in spiritual things, and because I need a good example, too.
Her character is strong; she lives by what she believes, to the best of her ability.
Character matters to me.
She has integrity.
I want to marry someone I can trust with everything.
She is honest.
I want to communicate with my wife in complete honesty.
She has authenticity.
I don't want my wife to be someone who pretends to be something she's not.
She agrees with the Biblical model of roles in marriage in all facets.
God designed us for certain roles, and I believe we should fill those roles.
She has the ability to work through conflict.
Every relationship has conflicts. The ability to work through them makes the relationship stronger when conflicts happen.
She is gentle in spirit.
I want my wife's gentleness to be a reminder to me to be gentle. Also, it will make her companionship pleasant.
She is firm in resolve.
Raising children requires willpower. So does following Jesus in this present age.
She is reasonably intelligent.
She doesn't have to be a genius, but I want to be able to talk with her about many topics.
She is opposed to abortion.
I believe life begins at conception. A child is a separate being and a separate body even in the mother's womb.
She is opposed to pornography.
I have no interest in pornography, and I don't want to have to argue with my wife about it.
She is a suitable helper for my life's work, as Eve was a help meet for Adam.
She doesn't have to work alongside me at whatever my life's work is, but I want her to be able to help me with my struggles in work, one way or another.
She is easy-going.
Though I try not to do things rashly, I do tend to be impulsive as a result of my ADHD. If she is easy-going, I think my impulsiveness will not be as annoying to her.
She is able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to others.
I want her to be able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to me.
She is confident enough to be vulnerable with me.
I want my wife and me to share our innermost selves with each other.
She is a good listener.
Good listeners tend to be wise. And sometimes, I just need to rant.
We have fun together.
Enjoyment of being around each other makes any relationship better.
She is Conservative in her political philosophy.
I think husband and wife should not be at odds politically.
She doesn't dress in revealing clothes outside of the home, and she most likely doesn't desire to.
Modesty and chastity are important to me.
She doesn't have anything other than her ears pierced.
Other piercings disgust me.
She is conversational, but not overly talkative.
Talking builds a relationship up. But I don't like being around people who prattle on without regard for others.
She is balanced between being funny and being serious, but she leans toward funny.
There are times to be serious and times to be silly. I like being silly, when it is appropriate, and I like people with a good sense of humor.
She is tactful but straightforward.
Speech should always remain within the bounds of love. But when something must be said, there is often no need for avoiding what must eventually be said. Plus, I'm fairly weak in tact, so if she is tactful, I think it will benefit our relationships.
She expects physical affection from her husband.
My wife should expect affection, because I'm an affectionate person.
She has a healthy level of ambition for herself and for her husband.
I want my wife to have dreams and goals of her own and to be a motivating influence on me. The ambitions she has need to be healthy, not beyond realistic expectations or our true desires.
She is creative.
Creativity is important to many things, such as problem solving, writing critique, meal preparation, and making do when something is unavailable.
She has good manners.
Everyone needs good manners. I shouldn't have to include this, but everyone should expect it.
She is comfortable when the temperature of the house is near or below 74°F.
I'm hot-blooded, so I like to keep the temperature from going into the stratosphere.
She knows what she wants, and I fit her criteria.
I think knowing what you want is the first step to making sure you don't end up with something you hate. And I want to be what my wife wants in a husband.
She doesn't view multi-tasking while waiting as impatience.
I tend to multi-task when I have to wait. I view it as being efficient and avoiding impatience, not as a passive-aggressive impatience symptom. I think it best if my wife views doing something constructive while waiting as a good thing, too.
She is probably more of a thinker than a feeler.
I think a thinker will be more interested in my logical ponderings than a feeler. God knows which is best for my mate, and I will accept either. My thought, though, is that she's probably more of a thinker.
She is most likely within 7 years of my age.
Age grows less important every year, but I think my wife will be in sort of the same era as I am.
She is very likely to be physically affectionate.
My primary love language is touch and closeness. If my wife isn't physically affectionate, she at least will be happy to receive my affection.
She probably enjoys Chess.
I enjoy Chess, so that would be a good game to share.
She probably has an interest in philosophical questions.
Philosophical discussions would be a good thing to share.
She is very likely to have medium-length hair.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
Her hair is probably dark brown, light brown, or red, or maybe strawberry blonde, or blonde, but probably not black.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
Her hair is probably wavy or straight, rather than curly.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
She probably has good family relationships.
Family support is important. My wife probably has a good relationship with her family.
She probably has a cute, button or small nose.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
She probably has a thin, angular face with a classic or refined look.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
She probably wears glasses and has the sophisticated and smart look that goes with them.
Glasses are sexy.
She probably has a pattern of wholesome friendships.
She probably has a pattern of long-term friendships.
Wholesome and long-term friendships provide a safe environment for vulnerability. I hope her relationships with other women (and men) have made her feel safe being open and honest with people she loves.
She probably knows what's in the comments on this page. ;)
Some rudimentary HTML/technological aptitude is not an important facet, but it is a plus.
She probably doesn't want any tattoos or unusual piercings.
I have no problems with tattoos, but I don't find them particularly attractive.
We may have a strong chemistry between us, but that isn't crucial.
Depending on the definition of chemistry... Some define it as a feeling of being in love with someone, and some define it as being comfortable around someone. Those are important. Some define chemistry as a spark when near someone. I've never felt that with anyone.
[Edit: I didn't realize how long this post was. I put most of it behind a cut for the convenience of people who have me on their friends pages.]
I decided to go through it and offer a little bit of explanation about why I think each item is important. I know there are people who think a list of criteria is a bad idea, but I think going into marriage without a detailed idea of the kinds of things that are likely to make a relationships either stronger or rockier is a worse idea.
Every item on my list (other than physical attributes) has some basis in either avoiding unnecessary conflicts or providing points of support to my future marriage.
I also believe that a list is a good thing because it allows you to recognize a good thing when you see it.
My word of caution is that I don't require all of these attributes in my future wife. Only the ones at the top of the list are hard-and-fast rules. Also, my judgment of someone's matching of many of these items might be different from that of someone who thinks she probably doesn't fit a particular criterion.
Here, then, is my list explained.
She is a Christian.
Jesus is the most important thing in my life. If He's not the most important thing in hers, we won't grow closer to each other through the years.
She respects me.
I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me. Proverbs repeatedly points out that solitude is less painful than living with a disrespectful woman.
She has flexibility in dealing with people and events.
I believe flexibility is a necessity in most things, but particularly in missions and ministry. Also, I have several quirks of my own that make flexibility an asset in my friends.
She is free from addictions.
You can't commit to a righteous walk or to a serious relationship if you are ensnared by some addiction.
She is 100% non-smoker.
I have sinus problems, allergies, and a history of asthma. I don't want to be around someone who makes my breathing harder. Plus, most smoking products make their users stink.
She is committed to a life-long marriage.
If she's not committed to the principle that marriage is for life, I'm not going to believe wedding vows.
She is interested in having children.
I want to be a good father. I want to have or adopt as many children as God and my wife will give me.
She believes in a Biblical discipline style.
The rearing of children is very important. I want my children raised according to the Word of God.
She has a strong spiritual relationship with Jesus the Christ.
Because I need a companion in spiritual things, and because I need a good example, too.
Her character is strong; she lives by what she believes, to the best of her ability.
Character matters to me.
She has integrity.
I want to marry someone I can trust with everything.
She is honest.
I want to communicate with my wife in complete honesty.
She has authenticity.
I don't want my wife to be someone who pretends to be something she's not.
She agrees with the Biblical model of roles in marriage in all facets.
God designed us for certain roles, and I believe we should fill those roles.
She has the ability to work through conflict.
Every relationship has conflicts. The ability to work through them makes the relationship stronger when conflicts happen.
She is gentle in spirit.
I want my wife's gentleness to be a reminder to me to be gentle. Also, it will make her companionship pleasant.
She is firm in resolve.
Raising children requires willpower. So does following Jesus in this present age.
She is reasonably intelligent.
She doesn't have to be a genius, but I want to be able to talk with her about many topics.
She is opposed to abortion.
I believe life begins at conception. A child is a separate being and a separate body even in the mother's womb.
She is opposed to pornography.
I have no interest in pornography, and I don't want to have to argue with my wife about it.
She is a suitable helper for my life's work, as Eve was a help meet for Adam.
She doesn't have to work alongside me at whatever my life's work is, but I want her to be able to help me with my struggles in work, one way or another.
She is easy-going.
Though I try not to do things rashly, I do tend to be impulsive as a result of my ADHD. If she is easy-going, I think my impulsiveness will not be as annoying to her.
She is able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to others.
I want her to be able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to me.
She is confident enough to be vulnerable with me.
I want my wife and me to share our innermost selves with each other.
She is a good listener.
Good listeners tend to be wise. And sometimes, I just need to rant.
We have fun together.
Enjoyment of being around each other makes any relationship better.
She is Conservative in her political philosophy.
I think husband and wife should not be at odds politically.
She doesn't dress in revealing clothes outside of the home, and she most likely doesn't desire to.
Modesty and chastity are important to me.
She doesn't have anything other than her ears pierced.
Other piercings disgust me.
She is conversational, but not overly talkative.
Talking builds a relationship up. But I don't like being around people who prattle on without regard for others.
She is balanced between being funny and being serious, but she leans toward funny.
There are times to be serious and times to be silly. I like being silly, when it is appropriate, and I like people with a good sense of humor.
She is tactful but straightforward.
Speech should always remain within the bounds of love. But when something must be said, there is often no need for avoiding what must eventually be said. Plus, I'm fairly weak in tact, so if she is tactful, I think it will benefit our relationships.
She expects physical affection from her husband.
My wife should expect affection, because I'm an affectionate person.
She has a healthy level of ambition for herself and for her husband.
I want my wife to have dreams and goals of her own and to be a motivating influence on me. The ambitions she has need to be healthy, not beyond realistic expectations or our true desires.
She is creative.
Creativity is important to many things, such as problem solving, writing critique, meal preparation, and making do when something is unavailable.
She has good manners.
Everyone needs good manners. I shouldn't have to include this, but everyone should expect it.
She is comfortable when the temperature of the house is near or below 74°F.
I'm hot-blooded, so I like to keep the temperature from going into the stratosphere.
She knows what she wants, and I fit her criteria.
I think knowing what you want is the first step to making sure you don't end up with something you hate. And I want to be what my wife wants in a husband.
She doesn't view multi-tasking while waiting as impatience.
I tend to multi-task when I have to wait. I view it as being efficient and avoiding impatience, not as a passive-aggressive impatience symptom. I think it best if my wife views doing something constructive while waiting as a good thing, too.
She is probably more of a thinker than a feeler.
I think a thinker will be more interested in my logical ponderings than a feeler. God knows which is best for my mate, and I will accept either. My thought, though, is that she's probably more of a thinker.
She is most likely within 7 years of my age.
Age grows less important every year, but I think my wife will be in sort of the same era as I am.
She is very likely to be physically affectionate.
My primary love language is touch and closeness. If my wife isn't physically affectionate, she at least will be happy to receive my affection.
She probably enjoys Chess.
I enjoy Chess, so that would be a good game to share.
She probably has an interest in philosophical questions.
Philosophical discussions would be a good thing to share.
She is very likely to have medium-length hair.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
Her hair is probably dark brown, light brown, or red, or maybe strawberry blonde, or blonde, but probably not black.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
Her hair is probably wavy or straight, rather than curly.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
She probably has good family relationships.
Family support is important. My wife probably has a good relationship with her family.
She probably has a cute, button or small nose.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
She probably has a thin, angular face with a classic or refined look.
Physical characteristics are not important, but this is my preference.
She probably wears glasses and has the sophisticated and smart look that goes with them.
Glasses are sexy.
She probably has a pattern of wholesome friendships.
She probably has a pattern of long-term friendships.
Wholesome and long-term friendships provide a safe environment for vulnerability. I hope her relationships with other women (and men) have made her feel safe being open and honest with people she loves.
She probably knows what's in the comments on this page. ;)
Some rudimentary HTML/technological aptitude is not an important facet, but it is a plus.
She probably doesn't want any tattoos or unusual piercings.
I have no problems with tattoos, but I don't find them particularly attractive.
We may have a strong chemistry between us, but that isn't crucial.
Depending on the definition of chemistry... Some define it as a feeling of being in love with someone, and some define it as being comfortable around someone. Those are important. Some define chemistry as a spark when near someone. I've never felt that with anyone.
[Edit: I didn't realize how long this post was. I put most of it behind a cut for the convenience of people who have me on their friends pages.]