Bleeding Mascara...
Had these grand plans for my future…I was going to go places and do things. And I was so sure and so positive and so hopeful. And now where am I? Unsure and insecure. God, I just want to be sure of something again. I hate being insecure. It pisses the fuck out of me.
Piracy and world domination. These things came into existence because I want control. I want to control my future and I want to control those around me. I want everything to fit into my master plan of how my life should work. But does that make me dream big and then play it safe? I feel like I need to jump in somewhere. To emerge myself in something so completely I become it. In what? I don't know. There are times when drawing becomes me, but it's such a lonely thing. For hours, to sit and practice, it can practically turn you into a hermit. And then, to be denied that one love, to be told that you didn't cut it. I just feel so... empty inside. It hurts to draw sometimes. But at least it is an emotion. I have become so numb. So unwilling to feel anything. I am so afraid of this pain. God. I am so afraid of it. But what do I have now? Nothing. I push people away. That's exactly what I do. I say other people are flaky, but look at me talking. And I'm not flaky. I don't brush people off because I'm flaky. I brush them off because I fear getting close to them. I fear intimacy. I fear opening up and sharing my complete self with another person. And the outgoing bubble ness, it's all just a show. It's all just me wanting to pretend I'm open, and pretend that I want to everyone to see the real me. But it's so fake. Do you know who I am? I am that girl, who sits there and watches everything. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to know you completely, but I don't want you to know me. I want you to open up and to love me, yet, I don't want to open up to you. It's my nature to be the observer. The quiet manipulator. The thinker. I want to change you without you realizing I'm doing it. But I don't want to change. I want to always be right. I have a ridiculous superiority complex. I must always be right. If not, violence follows. Outbursts. It's completely ridiculous.
Piracy and world domination. These things came into existence because I want control. I want to control my future and I want to control those around me. I want everything to fit into my master plan of how my life should work. But does that make me dream big and then play it safe? I feel like I need to jump in somewhere. To emerge myself in something so completely I become it. In what? I don't know. There are times when drawing becomes me, but it's such a lonely thing. For hours, to sit and practice, it can practically turn you into a hermit. And then, to be denied that one love, to be told that you didn't cut it. I just feel so... empty inside. It hurts to draw sometimes. But at least it is an emotion. I have become so numb. So unwilling to feel anything. I am so afraid of this pain. God. I am so afraid of it. But what do I have now? Nothing. I push people away. That's exactly what I do. I say other people are flaky, but look at me talking. And I'm not flaky. I don't brush people off because I'm flaky. I brush them off because I fear getting close to them. I fear intimacy. I fear opening up and sharing my complete self with another person. And the outgoing bubble ness, it's all just a show. It's all just me wanting to pretend I'm open, and pretend that I want to everyone to see the real me. But it's so fake. Do you know who I am? I am that girl, who sits there and watches everything. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to know you completely, but I don't want you to know me. I want you to open up and to love me, yet, I don't want to open up to you. It's my nature to be the observer. The quiet manipulator. The thinker. I want to change you without you realizing I'm doing it. But I don't want to change. I want to always be right. I have a ridiculous superiority complex. I must always be right. If not, violence follows. Outbursts. It's completely ridiculous.