As the days go by...
So last night, I was gonna go to bed... I ran 5 miles Mon. night, played soccer yesterday, then watched the neice and nephew after that. Pretty tiered huh? U'd guess so... but I didn't feel it at all. I was worried I'd stay up thinking all night about what I would say to jessy today. So I took some benedryl to help me sleep. Wow, I was knocked the fuck out. But did I sleep in till 9 in the morning? Of course not! I wake up at 7 instead! Awsome. So I run the madre to work, go home, grab some papers I needed for my Pre-trial Diversion Transfer up here to St. Joe county, and head over there. I thought it would just be a quick run and drop. But no, I got bitched out by the lady handeling my case for some reason. Every comment was filled with "You are the worst person on this planet, you are so guilty and I can't believe they didn't give you 25-50 in prison." So that was awsome. Oh, and what's more? I get to take a drug test! Yippee!! So I get called, I walk into the bathroom, and the dude follows me... I'm like whoa, whoa man, I'm not into that kind of thing. But he still comes in. "It's protocol." Protocol my ass. Anyways, he turns his back, and as I start to whip it out, I realixe there are mirrors surrounding the toilet. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! What are these people? Nymphos?? Damn! Back up off me! So I try to do my business, just thinking, ok, no one is here, no one is here... Fill it up, lid it, and set it in the "mailbox for piss". I felt like I was 2 in. tall. <> Yeah, that was awsome.
I get home and see jessy called. I felt relieved and so so stressed at the same time. How is she gonna react to my last entry? How is she gonna greet me? For God sakes, should I just shake her hand?! I DON'T KNOW!!! So I get there. All my stress was so relaxed when I just got to see her. She came to me as I walked towrds her and she gave me a hug and a kiss. Wow, I guess things won't be as bad as I thought if we can just keep going like that! So i sit down and we talk for a bit. She didn't want me to see her journal entry she was typing... hmmmm... wonder why... So we get into a discussion about me asking Dani what she thought on a couple issues b/n Jay and I. Jess gets mad and calls Dani for some reason. I asked Dani because I knew I could trust her opinion. Its not corrupted by any emotions towards Jessy, me, or any one else for that matter. So Jess calls her and is outside. I'm still inside with her laptop still open to her finished livejournal entry. I start to read it... "Gary...Gary... this thing with Gary will be hard... Gary and I are totally on the same page... I'll keep talkiing Gary up (not actually written in the journal, but thats what I got out of it)... Guess this will just have to be a fun summer thing... go to the beach for the day (with guess who... Gary the magnificent)... go to church with Dani, Steve and OMG Gary (what the fuck does "OMG Gary" mean anyways?)... play games with Dani and Gary at home." Wow, I guess Gary's the best thing since sliced bread and I'm just SPAM. I just can't let this SPAM get in the way of those two slices of bread. I know Jessy has nothing but the best intentions, and yes, she's tried to make the best out of this situation and not just take the easy course of "putting up with Steve" or "I'll give ya a call when I'm done having my fun, Steve." I meant everything that I said in my last entry. That is what I desire most right now. I mean, what I really desire the most is to be able to satisfy Jessy and her life, but hey, we can only do what our emotions tell us, right? Thats all we have to go on. I love her so much, and I will have to be able to put up with her praising Gary and anybody else that comes along. But it will be hard as hell. Whatever I have to do to make her and I feel comfortable is what I will do. I won't sacrifice my life for it, but I will tolerate it. I have to. I love her and always will. I don't want to loose her, and she says that I will never loose her... but she also said at the beginning of this summer that she promised to wait till the end of the summer to make any decisions. We will just have to run with this. Take what may come. Life is a struggle, but not living life is a war you cannot prevail against. Same with relationships. One that you care so deeply for is hard, but not caring for it is not being a true, honest, good human being. Jess, I wish you all the best in your journey. I pray that you find what you need in life. And if I become your extra bonus at the end of it all, that is all I can ask for in this life. All you will ever have to do is just say the words, that's all.
On a less serious note, I have a meeting with the manager of Hacineda today at 3 to discuss pay and such and to sign papers... Being a cook... that's sweet... or not so sweet. I won't like it, but hey, it's extra money to be able to support myself and take Jess out if she wants to. Damn, I need to get off this "ME" kick! I'm outty five thousand!!
I get home and see jessy called. I felt relieved and so so stressed at the same time. How is she gonna react to my last entry? How is she gonna greet me? For God sakes, should I just shake her hand?! I DON'T KNOW!!! So I get there. All my stress was so relaxed when I just got to see her. She came to me as I walked towrds her and she gave me a hug and a kiss. Wow, I guess things won't be as bad as I thought if we can just keep going like that! So i sit down and we talk for a bit. She didn't want me to see her journal entry she was typing... hmmmm... wonder why... So we get into a discussion about me asking Dani what she thought on a couple issues b/n Jay and I. Jess gets mad and calls Dani for some reason. I asked Dani because I knew I could trust her opinion. Its not corrupted by any emotions towards Jessy, me, or any one else for that matter. So Jess calls her and is outside. I'm still inside with her laptop still open to her finished livejournal entry. I start to read it... "Gary...Gary... this thing with Gary will be hard... Gary and I are totally on the same page... I'll keep talkiing Gary up (not actually written in the journal, but thats what I got out of it)... Guess this will just have to be a fun summer thing... go to the beach for the day (with guess who... Gary the magnificent)... go to church with Dani, Steve and OMG Gary (what the fuck does "OMG Gary" mean anyways?)... play games with Dani and Gary at home." Wow, I guess Gary's the best thing since sliced bread and I'm just SPAM. I just can't let this SPAM get in the way of those two slices of bread. I know Jessy has nothing but the best intentions, and yes, she's tried to make the best out of this situation and not just take the easy course of "putting up with Steve" or "I'll give ya a call when I'm done having my fun, Steve." I meant everything that I said in my last entry. That is what I desire most right now. I mean, what I really desire the most is to be able to satisfy Jessy and her life, but hey, we can only do what our emotions tell us, right? Thats all we have to go on. I love her so much, and I will have to be able to put up with her praising Gary and anybody else that comes along. But it will be hard as hell. Whatever I have to do to make her and I feel comfortable is what I will do. I won't sacrifice my life for it, but I will tolerate it. I have to. I love her and always will. I don't want to loose her, and she says that I will never loose her... but she also said at the beginning of this summer that she promised to wait till the end of the summer to make any decisions. We will just have to run with this. Take what may come. Life is a struggle, but not living life is a war you cannot prevail against. Same with relationships. One that you care so deeply for is hard, but not caring for it is not being a true, honest, good human being. Jess, I wish you all the best in your journey. I pray that you find what you need in life. And if I become your extra bonus at the end of it all, that is all I can ask for in this life. All you will ever have to do is just say the words, that's all.
On a less serious note, I have a meeting with the manager of Hacineda today at 3 to discuss pay and such and to sign papers... Being a cook... that's sweet... or not so sweet. I won't like it, but hey, it's extra money to be able to support myself and take Jess out if she wants to. Damn, I need to get off this "ME" kick! I'm outty five thousand!!