The Animal Shelter AU by clumsygyrl and skoosiepants
Hey, so at one point I posted that I thought there was a serious lack of Gerard plus babies/puppies fic out there, which is so very sad, and then clumsygyrl showed up with a pic of Frank and a puppy and we started commenting back and forth and then this happened. We couldn't help ourselves.
Herein lies something insanely cute.
clumsygyrl: there should be fic where gerard runs an animal shelter. or something. a no kill one. heh.
skoosie: animalshelter!Gerard! He'd try and place them all in good homes but he'd keep all the weird ones with three legs and missing eyes and end up with a parrot that attacks Ray's head and a goat that thinks he's a cat or something!
He names the goat Clara. Because it's a good cat and/or goat name. Frank is the volunteer who wants to be a vet someday! He helps out because this kid in his class has a brother who runs a shelter. It's kind of perfect really.
Gerard has this big old house where he lives. Most of the animals like Clara and the other random big animals live in this old barn out back that Gerard keeps in working order.
He's also got this huge, ugly mean pot-bellied pig - named Peaches, but Bob calls him The Devil's First Minion - that patrols the yard and Bob swears he's some sort of ninja 'cause he comes out of nowhere and runs you down squealing like a squealing thing! And Brendon helps out at Gerard's house after school because he loves animals and he's really the only one Peaches even remotely likes. OH! And there's DUCKS. These two female mallards, only they live IN the house because Gerard's three-legged dog Lefty fostered them when they were wee little ducklings.
The ducks? Kind of gay. They're from two different nests and Lefty just showed up with them one day. Well, one set one day and the other Brendon brought in, lower lip wobbling. Lefty set up and was their protector. Gerard muses that maybe it's not that Sapphy and Virginia are gay, but more like situationally gay. "Like prison gay?" Brendon offers giggling.
Brendon posits that Lefty is, like, human smart, and has full-on conversations with him that Gerard thinks is amusing and Spencer thinks proves Brendon is a complete idiot. An endearing idiot, maybe, but he's never going to actually tell that to Brendon.
Gerard surmises that Spencer won't tell Brendon for three reasons: 1) Spencer likes Brendon... a lot. 2) Spencer kind of enjoys hearing the conversations Brendon has with Lefty ("No, of course you shouldn't like Alpo. Science Diet is way better for you!") 3) Spencer (and no one else really) wants to see Brendon frown. A frowning Brendon is possibly one of the saddest things on Earth. Causing a frowning Brendon has to be up there with mortal sins (or at least a really really bad venial one).
*
Jon just shows up one day with this entire litter of tiny kittens and they're not even weaned yet so Frank teaches him how to eye-dropper feed them and he sits cross-legged on the floor and Ryan, who lives two houses away and sort of lurks around because he has a crush on Mikey, just stares at Jon feeding these tiny kittens with, like, big-eyed awe or something, because Jon feeding tiny kittens is awesome.
Jon croons. He hums a little Zeppelin to them and he has them all named. Most of them are names from bassists in rock bands, but it's Jon. It's not surprising. One of the kittens dies and Jon buries in the back under one of the big trees, and he sits there a long time with the other kittens. It's only when Clara tugs on his sleeve that he gets up.
Brendon sort of adopts Jon then, because Jon needs to be cheered up and Brendon is self-proclaimedly the best cheerer-upper ever, and drags him out to help with all the outside animals everyday and Spencer gets ridiculously jealous and sullen, and Bob just watches him and shakes his head and finally takes him aside and goes, "Dude, seriously, you're like in love with him or something, right?" and Spencer just stares at him, because duh.
"Brendon's doing something you could do," Bob says and not so gently shoves Spencer outside. The thing is. Well, the real thing is that Spencer kind of dislikes getting dirty. He hates being outside. And he burns. As in he goes out, Vitamin D touches his pale pale PALE skin and he burns. He turns kind of peachy gold after, but that first day he just BURNS.
Ray mothers everyone, and he clucks his tongue over Spencer and digs out some aloe vera lotion for him, and Spencer is a little miserable until Jon brings him a cherry icee.
And then Brendon starts rubbing the softly tanned skin of his arms all the time, and, okay, maybe Spencer is torn between Jon and Brendon, because Jon is awesome and Brendon is so damn adorable - yet Brendon is kind of in love with everyone. He's, like, in love with the world. He doesn't seem to like narrowing his focus on one person.
And on the other hand, Jon seems pretty straight. Ryan's not so sure - and even though Ryan follows Mikey around like a puppy most days, he's got this fascination for Jon. He studies him. Observation, he thinks, is key. He keeps a journal and everything.
Jon just thinks he has a staring problem, but he likes Ryan. He's willing to assume Ryan isn't, like, a dangerous stalker.
Ryan isn't a dangerous stalker. He's not. He does, however, like to keep Spencer safe. He's known Spencer since they were in diapers. He's just making sure Jon's not the one who's some crazy, crazy stalker.
If he kidnapped that Urie kid, Ryan wouldn't feel so bad.
Well not that bad. The animals seem to like him, even the hell spawn of a pig that Gerard has patrolling the front yard.
Bob and Ryan commiserate over the Devil's First Minion a lot. Once, Ryan was cornered out by Clara's (and the other goat, who actually knows he's a goat) shed by the pig, and he was brandishing his boot 'cause it was all he had to defend himself and the pig kept lunging at him, and Brendon had to save him. It was completely humiliating. Ryan really hates that pig.
*
Ray, in addition to mothering everybody, takes care of all the rescued reptiles, because Gerard is mildly terrified of snakes and stuff. Frank didn't know this at first, and he actually picked up a snake and said, "Here, hold 'im a minute, will you?" to Gerard and just draped him over Gerard's frozen shoulder, because Gerard was quietly freaking and almost passed out because he might have stopped breathing for a minute or ten - no sudden movements! - and then Mikey, quiet Mikey, flipped out on Frank, even though it wasn't Frank's fault! He didn't know!
Frank would never do it intentionally. They all know that. There's a side pool going for when Frank will actually get the juevos to man up and ask Gerard out. Because as much as they love Gerard and his animal and world saving ways, Gerard is kind of clueless on most accounts.
Most accounts being when someone is mad crazy in love with them. Possibly not mad crazy, because that sounds silly. But seriously and deeply.
It's not like Frank's alone. Bob crushed. Crushed hard. Ray had a mild thing for him. Ryan did for about a split second then he caught sight of Mikey and well. Well, that's another Way Brothers story. Brendon loves everyone.
(Spencer didn't because Gerard's like an older brother and that' kind of gross. But he can see the appeal. Gerard does have a really nice ass.)
Frank is the one that counts though. They all know it.
So they're waiting. Really just waiting for Frank to clue Gerard in.
*
Patrick is the exotic animal vet that comes around. He tries to do all he can for free or as cheap as possible, 'cause he knows it's expensive to run the no-kill shelter. T-Bone - the parrot that attacks Ray's hair and calls Gerard "Pretty Lady" - is his favorite patient. Patrick is also Gerard's ex - from waaaay before - but they're still good friends. Patrick has money on the Frank/Gerard betting pool, and he's hoping to win big.
The betting pool is actually getting kind of ridiculous. Everyone's starting to cheat, coaching Frank and juggling his schedule around whenever it get's close to their particular picked date. Frank's starting to get suspicious. Gerard, as usual, has no idea all this is going on. Or does he?
Bob may have his own crush on a certain animal vet, but he's not going to say anything. He does however manage to look his worst whenever Patrick shows up. He doesn't plan it. It just happens.
The last time Patrick showed up Bob was covered from chest to knees in muck. Clara got out into the creek and dragged Bob in while he was trying to get her out. Spencer came by with a slightly wilted head of lettuce and that's all it took to get Clara out. Bob glared at them both and trudged back to the house in hopes of a shower.
Clara trotted behind him bleating with what he thought sounded like laughter.
He stomped into the kitchen and he smelled a little like fish and Patrick was at the kitchen sink, T-Bone on his shoulder and Sapphy in the sink - since that was the easiest place to examine the ducks - and Bob stopped dead and went, "Um," and Patrick's brows went up and he said, "Hi, Bob," and Bob is usually able to talk to Patrick just fine, but for some reason he was struck dumb, dripping all over the floor and he’d forgotten about Clara following him and she suddenly headbutted him in the ass and he stumbled into the table and Patrick just laughed.
Bob walked away. Okay, so it was a fast paced mostly run away. Spencer passed Bob in the hall and made a face. Bob didn't even have the presence of mind to hug him.
The kid deserved it.
Spencer soon starts a new pool. One on when Bob and Patrick will get together. It's not that Spencer thinks that Bob's some kind of stud. Or that Patrick's easy. But he's seen the way Patrick watches Bob's ass as he's bending over to help haul supplies in.
Ray would call that insider trading or something. Spencer just likes to think of it as smart.
*
Jon's the one who brings William. William didn't believe him when he told him about the evil guard-pig, so he tags along with him one day and just doesn't leave. Bill doesn't do anything, really. He just lounges around with Gabe - the Guy On The Other Side Of The Fence; that's actually how everyone describes him - and they write 'songs' about Gerard & Ray & Frank & Bob & Mikey that have a lot of obscene lyrics and references to goat fucking - which really is so tasteless, except you can't help but like Bill anyway and Gabe is Gabe. Occasionally they'll get high with Joe - the guy who delivers all the donated pet food from local businesses - and eat all of Bob's Cheetos.
Bob doesn't mind so much. William keeps Gabe entertained, so that means Gabe doesn't actually cross over from The Other Side. Gerard tends to eye Gabe a little suspiciously whenever Gabe's around. Gerard likes Gabe fine, but he's not too sure what Gabe's plans are when he talks to Mikey.
Mikey thinks Gabe is really funny. Dirty, but funny.
Ryan hates Gabe. A lot. And doesn't hide the fact that he does.
Naturally, Gabe always tries his very best to piss Ryan off. Mostly this manifests itself in rubbing all over Mikey in front of him - but never in front of Gerard, because Gabe is crazy, but not suicidal - as often as possible. He gives Ryan these smug, satisfied, raunchy looks over the top of Mikey’s head even when he’s just casually touching him, and Ryan’ll quietly seethe, teeth clenched.
Brendon bumps his arm and says, “Dude, you shouldn’t let him see how much it bothers you,” and, “Just tell Mikey or something,” like he’s some sort of fucking love guru - which is sort of ridiculous, because Brendon, despite his enthusiastic love for everybody in the entire world, has never gone past above-the-waist making out.
He’s not really religious anymore, but he leaves pamphlets on chastity vows around the house and talks about how, “It’s totally cool to keep it in my pants; Jesus loves me and all,” and no one’s really sure if he’s joking or not.
Ryan thinks maybe Brendon ate too many paint chips and glue when he was a little kid. Brendon accuses Ryan of being an “alien cyborg,” because he’s been watching episodes of Star Trek late at night when he can’t sleep.
Ryan is not about to fall for that talk. He once talked to Ray and Andy for two hours while they discussed the merits of the borg and the Federation. He's just lucky Gerard wasn't around. He's seen Gerard go on forever about Seven of Nine and how her character was a... Well, Ryan kind of stopped listening after a while.
Brendon offers to make Mikey jealous. "We could make out. You know, in front of him!" Brendon thinks this is a brilliant idea.
Ryan still thinks he ate too many paint chips as a kid.
"No, no, seriously, we could totally make out!" Brendon insists. "Just, like, remember to keep your hands out of my pants."
Ryan rolls his eyes and assures Brendon that really wouldn't be a problem. If they were actually going to make out. Which they aren't, because it's a completely lame idea.
Bob, who's been blatantly eavesdropping, thinks it's a great idea, mainly because it'll be hilarious to watch, and pops up out of the goat pen to tell them. Brendon kind of screams like a girl.
"I did not scream like a girl," Brendon says two seconds later as Ryan and Bob are laughing at him.
It was a very manly frightened exclamation. And he only jumped a little.
Bob crosses his arms over his chest. "You two. Get with the making out. Mikey's due back anytime now."
Ryan eyes him. "When did I say this was going to happen?"
Brendon is too busy putting on chapstick to say more than a muffled, "Yaaaay!"
Ryan shakes his head, because no way, but then Brendon lunges forward and catches his arms and totally just plants one on his mouth. Ryan's stunned still, and Bob goes, "Oh, come on, you can do better than that," and then Brendon's really kissing him, and he's actually sort of fantastic at it. Huh.
Brendon is a really, really (surprisingly) good kisser. Ryan wonders when and how his hand moved, cupping the back of Brendon's head and pulling him back when Brendon tries to move. Ryan opens his eyes for a split second and Brendon's grinning, ear to ear and bright like sunshine.
Bob blinks. "Huh."
Brendon says, “I’m awesome,” and somehow manages to not come off smug at all - just refreshingly honest, which is weird, but Brendon’s often described as refreshing and weird - and then he says, “Hey, hands, hands,” and bats at the fingers Ryan’d apparently hooked just under Brendon’s waistband at the line of his hip.
Someone clears their throat and Ryan glances behind him to find Mikey, and Mikey’s frowning a little, gaze sliding between Brendon and Ryan, and Ryan suddenly beams, because okay. Okay, this plan just might work.
Bob watches. This is really more interesting than the soaps that Ray likes to sneak in when he doesn't think people are looking. This is like As The Shelter Turns.
"Brendon, weren't you supposed to be giving Clara a bath?" Mikey asks and Brendon shrugs, beaming. "On it, boss."
Ryan smiles sweetly, because maybe Brendon's not that dumb. And he's a really good kisser.
*
Jon pulls Brendon aside later to ask him what he's doing. He's worried. He doesn't know Brendon all that well yet, but the whole thing smells like a disaster waiting to happen.
Brendon says, "Hey, Jon Walker, you're sweet on me," grinning, and Jon shakes his head, trying his best to be totally serious in the face of Brendon's adorable cheekiness.
"I'm worried about you, doofus," Jon says, hooking an arm around Brendon's neck.
"Which means you're sweet on me," Brendon says completely and utterly sure. He's not quite certain, but he might put Jon Walker on that list of People He Might Let Below the Waist. The list is rather small and Jon should feel kind of honored about that.
Jon rolls his eyes and Brendon kisses his cheek. Brendon's of the mind that you get people used to you kissing on them.
The whole making out with Ryan thing the very first time was. Was just a thing. A plan of action. It subverts the original theory.
Jon taps a finger against Brendon's forehead. "Sometimes I worry about what thoughts are going through that pretty little head of yours, Urie."
Brendon smiles, snags Jon's finger and clasps their hands together, palm to palm.
Jon blinks at him. Seriously, Brendon is the most handsy guy he's ever known.
Gerard sees them from the window over the kitchen sink, holding hands, and takes in Jon's openly bewildered face. Brendon has that affect on a lot of people. He's still there, just lounging against the sill, when Mikey comes in, shaking his head.
"That... Brendon. He's kissing Ryan!" Mikey says grumbling and slamming the back door. The refrigerator door gets the same treatment in reverse.
Gerard watches Mikey and shakes his head. "Grow a pair."
"What?"
"I'm sorry, did I stutter? Grow a pair, please." Gerard finishes smiling sweetly. Mikey was always a little slow on the uptake. Especially in ways of the heart. Or pants.
“I'm sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Mikey says, the slightest bit haughtily, and Gerard rolls his eyes.
“Of course you don’t,” he says, and flicks Mikey’s ear. He’s not going to stick his nose any farther into Mikey’s love life, though. They’ve had fights about it in the past - about Pete, mainly, because while Pete’s a great guy, he was an asshole boyfriend - and the fights always just ended up with Mikey sullenly silent and Gerard piss-ass drunk, and Gerard doesn’t drink anymore.
*
Ryan is currently in turmoil. Turmoil, yeah. That's a good word for it. He's sitting in the middle of the back lawn, letting the kittens romp all over him, and thinking. Thinking hard.
So, he kissed Brendon. No big deal. And so Brendon is technically the third boy who's ever kissed him. [Technically, Spencer was the first, but he's not sure if he's supposed to count that. Technically.]
He picks up Persephone and holds her up to his face, nose to nose. "What do you think?"
Sadly, Ryan still hasn't figured out kittenese.
Spencer hears about the incident from Bob - because Bob tells Spencer everything. Bob swears Spencer has some sort of voodoo power over him, like Spencer can just stare into his eyes and he’ll spill all his secrets. Not that Brendon and Ryan kissing is a secret or anything. It’s just that, honestly, he hadn’t planned on telling Spencer right that moment. He’d been planning on telling Frankie first, at least, mainly because Spencer’s kind of scary about Ryan - so, anyway, Spencer hears about it from Bob. He’s simultaneously jealous - because it’s not like he hasn’t thought about kissing Brendon before - and worried exactly how Jon is worried - although, at that point, he isn’t aware that Jon is worried, and if he was aware, he’d probably use it as an excuse to go commiserate with him about it - and he joins Ryan in the grass with the kittens and picks up Jon Jr. and cuddles the tabby against his chest and just stares at Ryan.
Too bad Spencer’s voodoo stare has long since stopped working on Ryan.
"So, make out with anyone lately?" Spencer finally says.
Ryan gives Spencer a look. Unfortunately, while he's developed an immunity to voodoo stare, Spencer's also become immune to the Ross Stare of Indifference.
"Bob's got a big mouth."
Everyone knows that Bob's a gossip whore when it comes to Spencer.
Spencer shrugs. "And?"
"And nothing. A big fat nothing," Ryan says, and Spencer knows it's as far from nothing as possible. "I'm not talking to you about it."
Spencer ducks his head, laughs a little into Jon Jr's furry body, because Ryan was so going to talk to him about it. It might just take a little time.
And meanwhile, Spencer thinks he'll just corner Brendon for a friendly chat.
Jon Jr. mrreows and flicks his tail slowly and Spencer laughs when it curls under his chin.
Ryan leans over and puts Persephone on Spencer's stomach. "I swear they like you more than me. And maybe Jon."
"That I doubt." Spencer says as Persephone kneads his stomach with sharp little kitten claws.
Spencer hears a click-snick and glances up to see Jon grinning at him from behind his camera a couple yards away. Spencer wills himself not to blush, but he feels his cheeks get hot anyway. Damn it. And then Coco tumbles into his lap and Jon Jr. falls asleep draped over his neck and Persephone folds her little paws under her chest on his stomach and starts purring.
“See, they love you,” Ryan says. Coltrane is the only one who’s not on top of Spencer, too busy stalking Ryan’s shoelaces.
Jon ambles over and crouches down next to Spencer and Ryan and the kittens, and Coco butts her head up against his palm, and Spencer tries not to think about how close Jon’s hand is to his crotch.
Ryan notices the blush and the way Spencer stills. Coco bites Jon's fingers and Jon laughs leaning in to rub his face against Coco's neck. Spencer makes an almost squeak and Ryan smirks.
Spencer fixes him with a death stare.
The stare that means, If you say anything, Ryan, I will kill you in your sleep. I swear that I will.
Ryan laughs and when Jon looks up Ryan pretends to cough and picks up Coltrane. "Dusty out here." He mumbles.
Jon is actually sort of captivated by Spencer in a totally platonic way. Seriously. He's just. Really pretty for a guy. And he's a kitten magnet and that is just too adorable for words.
"Hey," Spencer says softly. "Hey, Jon Walker, have a kitten," and he pushes Coco's little rump in his direction.
Ryan coughs again, or makes a gagging sound or something. "Seriously, allergies," he says, eyes wide and not fooling anybody.
"I saw Mikey go into the kitchen, Ryan. Why don't you go not flirt with him?" Spencer says, smiling sweetly. Jon snickers and Coco bats at Jon's nose.
Ryan reaches over and flicks Spencer's arm with his fingers. "Let's not discuss Not Flirting."
Spencer gives him the look again.
*
Bob just can't believe the show. Ryan and Spencer giving each other pissy looks overtop fuzzy kittens, and Jon just looking confused. Seriously, he tells Gerard, "This is the gayest animal shelter in the greater New Jersey area."
Mikey snorts from where he's sitting at the kitchen table.
"This isn't actually the shelter," Gerard points out. He pours Bob a glass of lemonade. "Actually, you know, this is my home."
The shelter is, like, three houses down, though, so Bob doesn't see the difference.
"So speaking of gay, how's Dr. Patrick? He giving you any checkups lately?" Mikey drawls and lights a cigarette. Gerard gives a longing look in the direction, but he stays where he is.
His new year's resolution was to quit. He's doing really well.
Frank really likes being around when Gerard has his one cigarette of the day. The sounds Gerard makes when he takes that first drag.
Bob says, "Dr. Patrick's doing fine, thanks," smiling and in no way taking the bait. He has plans for Dr. Patrick. Big plans. Plans that he has every intention of implementing as soon as he can be in the same room as him and not act like a complete idiot. Joe's been giving him conversation tips.
Joe and Patrick go way back. Bob isn't exactly sure how they know each other, but he thinks it has something to do with Pete.
That could be a good way to start the conversation, Bob thinks. 'How'd you meet Joe? How'd you meet Pete?' Bob is quickly compiling a List of Topics to Discuss with Dr. Patrick.
Folk music, Chicago, Prince, and now How You Met Joe and/or Pete.
Bob is all about being prepared. He feels like the last couple of times that he's been faced with Dr. Patrick he hasn't been prepared. He hasn't had a plan. Now he has a plan.
Sapphy and Virginia come waddling into the kitchen from the den, herded by Lefty and trailed by Frank. Frank's got T-Bone on his shoulder - T-Bone squawks, "Pretty Lady!" at Gerard and then says, "Hello!" and, "Frank's handsome! Handsome boy, handsome boy!"
"Huh," Mikey says. "That one's new."
Bob bursts out laughing, almost doubled over.
Frank grins. "We've been practicing," he says.
Gerard grins, too, ducks his head and fills Sapphy and Virginia's bowls full of their special blend of feed. Frank's sort of adorable all mischievous. Gerard is sort of sweet on Frank. He'd never tell him, but he kind of wants to hug him all the time.
Not that the entire house and greater tristate area doesn't know it. Gerard's oblivious to Frank's subtle and not so subtle flirting, but he thinks he's being subtle and slick with his crush.
"C'mere, T-Bone," Gerard says holding out his arm. "Pretty Lady!" The bird squawks.
Mikey and Bob share a look. Mikey and Bob have no room to talk, though, so they just roll their eyes as T-Bone flies across the room - nearly clipping Mikey's head - to land on Gerard's wrist.
And then Frank crosses the room to lean against Gerard's side. Subtle-like. Hips pressing. Frank practically bares his neck for Gerard, and Gerard just blushes faintly and ruffles the feathers on T-Bone's chest with a forefinger.
This house is the house of oblivious, Bob thinks and mentally sighs.
"You're a pretty thing," Gerard says and he tears his eyes away from Frank to look at T-Bone. "Such a pretty... bird." He murmurs and Frank moves, shifts to practically rub against Gerard's side.
"You should touch the back of his neck. He likes that," Frank says and Mikey rolls his eyes and Bob stifles a laugh.
Gerard blushes a hotly. "Oh, like this?"
“Mmm-hmm,” Frank murmurs, then lifts his hand to join Gerard’s, fingers brushing as they smooth down T-Bone’s bright green back.
T-Bone squawks, dances a little with his wings fluttering, then settles down again. He cocks his head and says, “Handsome boy.”
“Yeah, handsome boy,” Gerard automatically agrees, then realizes how blatantly that references Frank and he thinks maybe he’s going to be permanently red until the end of time. Jesus.
“Oh my god,” Mikey mutters. He feels like covering his eyes or something. They’re so pathetic.
Bob leans in and whispers. "You think if we bought them each a clue that they'd take it."
Mikey shakes his head. "Not even with an instruction manual."
Gerard swallows and he does not look at Frank. Does not. Can not. That would be obvious. "Uhm, do you want..."
"Yeah?" Frank asks leaning forward, smiling.
"Do you want to help me with the birds?" Gerard asks in a rush.
Frank's smile falters a bit, but he nods. "Sure, love to."
"Not even with an instruction manual and a map, Bryar." Mikey says rolling his eyes.
*
While Frank and Gerard are making cow-eyes at each other over the bird feed, Gabe and William - or really just William, since Gabe sort of just stares eerily at Brendon and gives him this totally scary smile - are harassing Brendon about his abstinence. Really, it’s his fault for wandering that close to the Fence. William doesn’t quite get it.
“I don’t have sex,” Brendon explains.
“Like, with people who you aren’t dating?” William asks. He looks really puzzled.
“Like, I don’t have sex at all.” Brendon doesn’t actually mind the questions. He’s open about it.
William rubs a hand over his mouth. “Have you ever had sex?” he asks, sort of slyly, licking his lips, and Gabe’s eyes go narrow and dark behind William.
“Um. Yes?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out as a question, but William licked his lips.
"So, you have... a renewed virginity or something?" William asks and leans forward, totally invading Brendon's space, as William is wont to do.
Brendon licks his lips (monkey see...) and shrugs and nods. "Sort of. I mean, I had it once. And it was nice, but not something I want to do again. Not unless it mattered."
Gabe and William both blink at Brendon. "How does it not matter?"
Gabe nudges William. "Maybe he means the times you get off."
William nods. "Well, yeah. That would totally matter." Then William freezes. "Wait," he says. "Wait, you don't have, like," he makes some obscene gestures, "a problem, do you?"
Brendon follows William's hand motions, forehead crinkling. "What?"
Gabe snickers. "Oh, dude."
"What? What are you--Oh my god, are you--" Brendon covers his face with his hand. "No. No," he states emphatically. "And stop doing that, Bill, please stop." He can't help giggling a little, though.
Bill thinks that Brendon giggling is adorable. He wonders what it'd sound like naked. He likes to categorize the people he knows by the times he's seen them naked and the things that they're doing while naked.
Brendon, he thinks, would be lovely naked and giggling. William leans forward and Brendon steps forward and gives William a hug. "You're funny.”
"Oh yeah, he's a riot," Gabe says. He folds his arms over the top of the fence and waggles his eyebrows. "Got a hug for me there, Urie?"
Brendon's been warned about Gabe. Gerard sat him down and gave him The Talk. He's not supposed to get within touching distance. He doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings, though, so he shuffles forward, towards the half open gate. William steps aside to let him pass, and, okay, Brendon's super curious. What actually happens on The Other Side Of The Fence?
Brendon peers around the gate and he's surprised to find that it's not all beer cans and used condoms or anything of the Sodom and Gomorrah that Gerard was implying. It's nice and clean.
Surprisingly so, and Brendon immediately feels bad about prejudging Gabe.
Gabe's arms swallow him up in a hug and Brendon smiles. Gabe's not such a bad...
"HEY!" Brendon jumps back smacking Gabe's hands away from his ass. Gabe's fingers were going down between... "You... you stay on that side." Brendon says, blushing furiously.
Gabe laughs. "Oh, come on. It'll matter," he says, and Brendon scowls.
He's pretty easy-going, but he's not keen on being made fun of so meanly. "You're mean. You are so mean, Gabe," he says.
William has a sudden and very weird protective urge towards Brendon and slips his arm around Brendon's shoulders in possibly the least sexy move he's ever made. That's not to say it isn't sexy, but it's not very. He cuddles Brendon close to his side and pets his hair. "There now," he says. "I won't let Gabe molest you, young Brendon. You may depend on me."
Brendon leans against William and he has the urge to stick his tongue out at Gabe. Gabe is a bad, bad man. William is nice.
"You can maybe be on the list," Brendon says and hugs William. He brightens when Jon comes out of the main house. "Hey Jon! Jon! The Ritters' cow is having a calf! You want to come see it?"
*
The Ritters live behind Gerard. Tyson had asked for a dog for Christmas about five years ago, and instead his parents gave him a Belted Galloway. Her name's Lula Bell and Tyson's pretty attached to her. He's super worried about the birth, even though Nick insists it'll be fine.
Nick assists the local large animal vet. He's not really a Tech, but he's been helping out so long he knows a lot anyway.
Jon is still toying with the idea of following in Dr. Patrick's footsteps. (He has to remember not to follow so closely behind or Bob will kick his ass.) Brendon's good company on these outings.
Brendon's kind of a doof, but he's a goodhearted one and he distracts Ty from being worried and Nick kind of could kiss that Urie kid.
Despite working for quite a while at the shelter, Brendon has never actually seen any animal give birth.
He's seen broken bones and routine checkups and all sorts of needle-involved things, and he's got a relatively tough stomach. He's super excited for Lula Bell to drop her calf, but once it gets down to the wire, once he sees goop and blood and the first slimy hoof he gets a little light-headed, and the next thing he knows, he's blinking up at Jon from the hay-scented ground.
"What happened?" he asks.
Jon's lips quirk up. "You fainted."
Brendon groans. "Do not tell Ryan." He struggles to sit up and Jon has to help him. Ty comes back with a cool bottle of water. "Here," he says and Brendon blushes. He was there so he could help and now he's the one that needs taking care of.
Nick clears his throat right before there's a faint bleating sound.
Ty whips around and he goes to hug Lula Bell around the neck. "That's my girl. Ohhh, look how pretty she is."
The calf is all spindly and adorable and Ty watches with smug pride as Lula Bell nuzzles and licks it.
"Good job, Lula," he says softly.
Jon helps Brendon to his feet and Brendon leans into his side and goes, "Awwwww."
"Pretty cool, huh?" Jon asks.
Brendon nods.
Ty is covered in goo, but Nick still thinks he's really really adorable.
Jon leans in and whispers, "We should leave them alone."
"Who? Ty and the cow?" Brendon asks.
Jon thwaps Brendon lightly. "Come let me explain the logistics of boy on boy love."
Nick throws a handful of hay at them.
*
It's been a long day. When Jon and Brendon let themselves back into Gerard's house, almost everyone has already gone home. Mikey is curled up in a recliner and Bob's flipping through the TV channels, and Gerard has his laptop open on the coffee table. Spencer is sprawled out on the floor. His eyes are closed, but he's probably not asleep.
Brendon bends down and says "Bye" really loudly and Spencer flips him off without opening his eyes.
They wave goodbye to the rest of the guys and move on through to the front of the house and out the front door. Jon lives one direction and Brendon lives the other, so Brendon ends up walking the couple blocks to his house all by himself.
Brendon doesn't automatically register the footfalls behind him, but when he turns Ryan's there. He smiles and stops. "Hey, do you want to come over? My mom's making dinner."
Ryan pauses and looks at him as if he's trying to figure Brendon out.
Brendon just smiles and holds out his arm, crooking it at the elbow. "C'mon, it's meatloaf night."
Ryan takes Brendon's arm and doesn't mention that he's vegetarian.
Herein lies something insanely cute.
clumsygyrl: there should be fic where gerard runs an animal shelter. or something. a no kill one. heh.
skoosie: animalshelter!Gerard! He'd try and place them all in good homes but he'd keep all the weird ones with three legs and missing eyes and end up with a parrot that attacks Ray's head and a goat that thinks he's a cat or something!
He names the goat Clara. Because it's a good cat and/or goat name. Frank is the volunteer who wants to be a vet someday! He helps out because this kid in his class has a brother who runs a shelter. It's kind of perfect really.
Gerard has this big old house where he lives. Most of the animals like Clara and the other random big animals live in this old barn out back that Gerard keeps in working order.
He's also got this huge, ugly mean pot-bellied pig - named Peaches, but Bob calls him The Devil's First Minion - that patrols the yard and Bob swears he's some sort of ninja 'cause he comes out of nowhere and runs you down squealing like a squealing thing! And Brendon helps out at Gerard's house after school because he loves animals and he's really the only one Peaches even remotely likes. OH! And there's DUCKS. These two female mallards, only they live IN the house because Gerard's three-legged dog Lefty fostered them when they were wee little ducklings.
The ducks? Kind of gay. They're from two different nests and Lefty just showed up with them one day. Well, one set one day and the other Brendon brought in, lower lip wobbling. Lefty set up and was their protector. Gerard muses that maybe it's not that Sapphy and Virginia are gay, but more like situationally gay. "Like prison gay?" Brendon offers giggling.
Brendon posits that Lefty is, like, human smart, and has full-on conversations with him that Gerard thinks is amusing and Spencer thinks proves Brendon is a complete idiot. An endearing idiot, maybe, but he's never going to actually tell that to Brendon.
Gerard surmises that Spencer won't tell Brendon for three reasons: 1) Spencer likes Brendon... a lot. 2) Spencer kind of enjoys hearing the conversations Brendon has with Lefty ("No, of course you shouldn't like Alpo. Science Diet is way better for you!") 3) Spencer (and no one else really) wants to see Brendon frown. A frowning Brendon is possibly one of the saddest things on Earth. Causing a frowning Brendon has to be up there with mortal sins (or at least a really really bad venial one).
*
Jon just shows up one day with this entire litter of tiny kittens and they're not even weaned yet so Frank teaches him how to eye-dropper feed them and he sits cross-legged on the floor and Ryan, who lives two houses away and sort of lurks around because he has a crush on Mikey, just stares at Jon feeding these tiny kittens with, like, big-eyed awe or something, because Jon feeding tiny kittens is awesome.
Jon croons. He hums a little Zeppelin to them and he has them all named. Most of them are names from bassists in rock bands, but it's Jon. It's not surprising. One of the kittens dies and Jon buries in the back under one of the big trees, and he sits there a long time with the other kittens. It's only when Clara tugs on his sleeve that he gets up.
Brendon sort of adopts Jon then, because Jon needs to be cheered up and Brendon is self-proclaimedly the best cheerer-upper ever, and drags him out to help with all the outside animals everyday and Spencer gets ridiculously jealous and sullen, and Bob just watches him and shakes his head and finally takes him aside and goes, "Dude, seriously, you're like in love with him or something, right?" and Spencer just stares at him, because duh.
"Brendon's doing something you could do," Bob says and not so gently shoves Spencer outside. The thing is. Well, the real thing is that Spencer kind of dislikes getting dirty. He hates being outside. And he burns. As in he goes out, Vitamin D touches his pale pale PALE skin and he burns. He turns kind of peachy gold after, but that first day he just BURNS.
Ray mothers everyone, and he clucks his tongue over Spencer and digs out some aloe vera lotion for him, and Spencer is a little miserable until Jon brings him a cherry icee.
And then Brendon starts rubbing the softly tanned skin of his arms all the time, and, okay, maybe Spencer is torn between Jon and Brendon, because Jon is awesome and Brendon is so damn adorable - yet Brendon is kind of in love with everyone. He's, like, in love with the world. He doesn't seem to like narrowing his focus on one person.
And on the other hand, Jon seems pretty straight. Ryan's not so sure - and even though Ryan follows Mikey around like a puppy most days, he's got this fascination for Jon. He studies him. Observation, he thinks, is key. He keeps a journal and everything.
Jon just thinks he has a staring problem, but he likes Ryan. He's willing to assume Ryan isn't, like, a dangerous stalker.
Ryan isn't a dangerous stalker. He's not. He does, however, like to keep Spencer safe. He's known Spencer since they were in diapers. He's just making sure Jon's not the one who's some crazy, crazy stalker.
If he kidnapped that Urie kid, Ryan wouldn't feel so bad.
Well not that bad. The animals seem to like him, even the hell spawn of a pig that Gerard has patrolling the front yard.
Bob and Ryan commiserate over the Devil's First Minion a lot. Once, Ryan was cornered out by Clara's (and the other goat, who actually knows he's a goat) shed by the pig, and he was brandishing his boot 'cause it was all he had to defend himself and the pig kept lunging at him, and Brendon had to save him. It was completely humiliating. Ryan really hates that pig.
*
Ray, in addition to mothering everybody, takes care of all the rescued reptiles, because Gerard is mildly terrified of snakes and stuff. Frank didn't know this at first, and he actually picked up a snake and said, "Here, hold 'im a minute, will you?" to Gerard and just draped him over Gerard's frozen shoulder, because Gerard was quietly freaking and almost passed out because he might have stopped breathing for a minute or ten - no sudden movements! - and then Mikey, quiet Mikey, flipped out on Frank, even though it wasn't Frank's fault! He didn't know!
Frank would never do it intentionally. They all know that. There's a side pool going for when Frank will actually get the juevos to man up and ask Gerard out. Because as much as they love Gerard and his animal and world saving ways, Gerard is kind of clueless on most accounts.
Most accounts being when someone is mad crazy in love with them. Possibly not mad crazy, because that sounds silly. But seriously and deeply.
It's not like Frank's alone. Bob crushed. Crushed hard. Ray had a mild thing for him. Ryan did for about a split second then he caught sight of Mikey and well. Well, that's another Way Brothers story. Brendon loves everyone.
(Spencer didn't because Gerard's like an older brother and that' kind of gross. But he can see the appeal. Gerard does have a really nice ass.)
Frank is the one that counts though. They all know it.
So they're waiting. Really just waiting for Frank to clue Gerard in.
*
Patrick is the exotic animal vet that comes around. He tries to do all he can for free or as cheap as possible, 'cause he knows it's expensive to run the no-kill shelter. T-Bone - the parrot that attacks Ray's hair and calls Gerard "Pretty Lady" - is his favorite patient. Patrick is also Gerard's ex - from waaaay before - but they're still good friends. Patrick has money on the Frank/Gerard betting pool, and he's hoping to win big.
The betting pool is actually getting kind of ridiculous. Everyone's starting to cheat, coaching Frank and juggling his schedule around whenever it get's close to their particular picked date. Frank's starting to get suspicious. Gerard, as usual, has no idea all this is going on. Or does he?
Bob may have his own crush on a certain animal vet, but he's not going to say anything. He does however manage to look his worst whenever Patrick shows up. He doesn't plan it. It just happens.
The last time Patrick showed up Bob was covered from chest to knees in muck. Clara got out into the creek and dragged Bob in while he was trying to get her out. Spencer came by with a slightly wilted head of lettuce and that's all it took to get Clara out. Bob glared at them both and trudged back to the house in hopes of a shower.
Clara trotted behind him bleating with what he thought sounded like laughter.
He stomped into the kitchen and he smelled a little like fish and Patrick was at the kitchen sink, T-Bone on his shoulder and Sapphy in the sink - since that was the easiest place to examine the ducks - and Bob stopped dead and went, "Um," and Patrick's brows went up and he said, "Hi, Bob," and Bob is usually able to talk to Patrick just fine, but for some reason he was struck dumb, dripping all over the floor and he’d forgotten about Clara following him and she suddenly headbutted him in the ass and he stumbled into the table and Patrick just laughed.
Bob walked away. Okay, so it was a fast paced mostly run away. Spencer passed Bob in the hall and made a face. Bob didn't even have the presence of mind to hug him.
The kid deserved it.
Spencer soon starts a new pool. One on when Bob and Patrick will get together. It's not that Spencer thinks that Bob's some kind of stud. Or that Patrick's easy. But he's seen the way Patrick watches Bob's ass as he's bending over to help haul supplies in.
Ray would call that insider trading or something. Spencer just likes to think of it as smart.
*
Jon's the one who brings William. William didn't believe him when he told him about the evil guard-pig, so he tags along with him one day and just doesn't leave. Bill doesn't do anything, really. He just lounges around with Gabe - the Guy On The Other Side Of The Fence; that's actually how everyone describes him - and they write 'songs' about Gerard & Ray & Frank & Bob & Mikey that have a lot of obscene lyrics and references to goat fucking - which really is so tasteless, except you can't help but like Bill anyway and Gabe is Gabe. Occasionally they'll get high with Joe - the guy who delivers all the donated pet food from local businesses - and eat all of Bob's Cheetos.
Bob doesn't mind so much. William keeps Gabe entertained, so that means Gabe doesn't actually cross over from The Other Side. Gerard tends to eye Gabe a little suspiciously whenever Gabe's around. Gerard likes Gabe fine, but he's not too sure what Gabe's plans are when he talks to Mikey.
Mikey thinks Gabe is really funny. Dirty, but funny.
Ryan hates Gabe. A lot. And doesn't hide the fact that he does.
Naturally, Gabe always tries his very best to piss Ryan off. Mostly this manifests itself in rubbing all over Mikey in front of him - but never in front of Gerard, because Gabe is crazy, but not suicidal - as often as possible. He gives Ryan these smug, satisfied, raunchy looks over the top of Mikey’s head even when he’s just casually touching him, and Ryan’ll quietly seethe, teeth clenched.
Brendon bumps his arm and says, “Dude, you shouldn’t let him see how much it bothers you,” and, “Just tell Mikey or something,” like he’s some sort of fucking love guru - which is sort of ridiculous, because Brendon, despite his enthusiastic love for everybody in the entire world, has never gone past above-the-waist making out.
He’s not really religious anymore, but he leaves pamphlets on chastity vows around the house and talks about how, “It’s totally cool to keep it in my pants; Jesus loves me and all,” and no one’s really sure if he’s joking or not.
Ryan thinks maybe Brendon ate too many paint chips and glue when he was a little kid. Brendon accuses Ryan of being an “alien cyborg,” because he’s been watching episodes of Star Trek late at night when he can’t sleep.
Ryan is not about to fall for that talk. He once talked to Ray and Andy for two hours while they discussed the merits of the borg and the Federation. He's just lucky Gerard wasn't around. He's seen Gerard go on forever about Seven of Nine and how her character was a... Well, Ryan kind of stopped listening after a while.
Brendon offers to make Mikey jealous. "We could make out. You know, in front of him!" Brendon thinks this is a brilliant idea.
Ryan still thinks he ate too many paint chips as a kid.
"No, no, seriously, we could totally make out!" Brendon insists. "Just, like, remember to keep your hands out of my pants."
Ryan rolls his eyes and assures Brendon that really wouldn't be a problem. If they were actually going to make out. Which they aren't, because it's a completely lame idea.
Bob, who's been blatantly eavesdropping, thinks it's a great idea, mainly because it'll be hilarious to watch, and pops up out of the goat pen to tell them. Brendon kind of screams like a girl.
"I did not scream like a girl," Brendon says two seconds later as Ryan and Bob are laughing at him.
It was a very manly frightened exclamation. And he only jumped a little.
Bob crosses his arms over his chest. "You two. Get with the making out. Mikey's due back anytime now."
Ryan eyes him. "When did I say this was going to happen?"
Brendon is too busy putting on chapstick to say more than a muffled, "Yaaaay!"
Ryan shakes his head, because no way, but then Brendon lunges forward and catches his arms and totally just plants one on his mouth. Ryan's stunned still, and Bob goes, "Oh, come on, you can do better than that," and then Brendon's really kissing him, and he's actually sort of fantastic at it. Huh.
Brendon is a really, really (surprisingly) good kisser. Ryan wonders when and how his hand moved, cupping the back of Brendon's head and pulling him back when Brendon tries to move. Ryan opens his eyes for a split second and Brendon's grinning, ear to ear and bright like sunshine.
Bob blinks. "Huh."
Brendon says, “I’m awesome,” and somehow manages to not come off smug at all - just refreshingly honest, which is weird, but Brendon’s often described as refreshing and weird - and then he says, “Hey, hands, hands,” and bats at the fingers Ryan’d apparently hooked just under Brendon’s waistband at the line of his hip.
Someone clears their throat and Ryan glances behind him to find Mikey, and Mikey’s frowning a little, gaze sliding between Brendon and Ryan, and Ryan suddenly beams, because okay. Okay, this plan just might work.
Bob watches. This is really more interesting than the soaps that Ray likes to sneak in when he doesn't think people are looking. This is like As The Shelter Turns.
"Brendon, weren't you supposed to be giving Clara a bath?" Mikey asks and Brendon shrugs, beaming. "On it, boss."
Ryan smiles sweetly, because maybe Brendon's not that dumb. And he's a really good kisser.
*
Jon pulls Brendon aside later to ask him what he's doing. He's worried. He doesn't know Brendon all that well yet, but the whole thing smells like a disaster waiting to happen.
Brendon says, "Hey, Jon Walker, you're sweet on me," grinning, and Jon shakes his head, trying his best to be totally serious in the face of Brendon's adorable cheekiness.
"I'm worried about you, doofus," Jon says, hooking an arm around Brendon's neck.
"Which means you're sweet on me," Brendon says completely and utterly sure. He's not quite certain, but he might put Jon Walker on that list of People He Might Let Below the Waist. The list is rather small and Jon should feel kind of honored about that.
Jon rolls his eyes and Brendon kisses his cheek. Brendon's of the mind that you get people used to you kissing on them.
The whole making out with Ryan thing the very first time was. Was just a thing. A plan of action. It subverts the original theory.
Jon taps a finger against Brendon's forehead. "Sometimes I worry about what thoughts are going through that pretty little head of yours, Urie."
Brendon smiles, snags Jon's finger and clasps their hands together, palm to palm.
Jon blinks at him. Seriously, Brendon is the most handsy guy he's ever known.
Gerard sees them from the window over the kitchen sink, holding hands, and takes in Jon's openly bewildered face. Brendon has that affect on a lot of people. He's still there, just lounging against the sill, when Mikey comes in, shaking his head.
"That... Brendon. He's kissing Ryan!" Mikey says grumbling and slamming the back door. The refrigerator door gets the same treatment in reverse.
Gerard watches Mikey and shakes his head. "Grow a pair."
"What?"
"I'm sorry, did I stutter? Grow a pair, please." Gerard finishes smiling sweetly. Mikey was always a little slow on the uptake. Especially in ways of the heart. Or pants.
“I'm sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Mikey says, the slightest bit haughtily, and Gerard rolls his eyes.
“Of course you don’t,” he says, and flicks Mikey’s ear. He’s not going to stick his nose any farther into Mikey’s love life, though. They’ve had fights about it in the past - about Pete, mainly, because while Pete’s a great guy, he was an asshole boyfriend - and the fights always just ended up with Mikey sullenly silent and Gerard piss-ass drunk, and Gerard doesn’t drink anymore.
*
Ryan is currently in turmoil. Turmoil, yeah. That's a good word for it. He's sitting in the middle of the back lawn, letting the kittens romp all over him, and thinking. Thinking hard.
So, he kissed Brendon. No big deal. And so Brendon is technically the third boy who's ever kissed him. [Technically, Spencer was the first, but he's not sure if he's supposed to count that. Technically.]
He picks up Persephone and holds her up to his face, nose to nose. "What do you think?"
Sadly, Ryan still hasn't figured out kittenese.
Spencer hears about the incident from Bob - because Bob tells Spencer everything. Bob swears Spencer has some sort of voodoo power over him, like Spencer can just stare into his eyes and he’ll spill all his secrets. Not that Brendon and Ryan kissing is a secret or anything. It’s just that, honestly, he hadn’t planned on telling Spencer right that moment. He’d been planning on telling Frankie first, at least, mainly because Spencer’s kind of scary about Ryan - so, anyway, Spencer hears about it from Bob. He’s simultaneously jealous - because it’s not like he hasn’t thought about kissing Brendon before - and worried exactly how Jon is worried - although, at that point, he isn’t aware that Jon is worried, and if he was aware, he’d probably use it as an excuse to go commiserate with him about it - and he joins Ryan in the grass with the kittens and picks up Jon Jr. and cuddles the tabby against his chest and just stares at Ryan.
Too bad Spencer’s voodoo stare has long since stopped working on Ryan.
"So, make out with anyone lately?" Spencer finally says.
Ryan gives Spencer a look. Unfortunately, while he's developed an immunity to voodoo stare, Spencer's also become immune to the Ross Stare of Indifference.
"Bob's got a big mouth."
Everyone knows that Bob's a gossip whore when it comes to Spencer.
Spencer shrugs. "And?"
"And nothing. A big fat nothing," Ryan says, and Spencer knows it's as far from nothing as possible. "I'm not talking to you about it."
Spencer ducks his head, laughs a little into Jon Jr's furry body, because Ryan was so going to talk to him about it. It might just take a little time.
And meanwhile, Spencer thinks he'll just corner Brendon for a friendly chat.
Jon Jr. mrreows and flicks his tail slowly and Spencer laughs when it curls under his chin.
Ryan leans over and puts Persephone on Spencer's stomach. "I swear they like you more than me. And maybe Jon."
"That I doubt." Spencer says as Persephone kneads his stomach with sharp little kitten claws.
Spencer hears a click-snick and glances up to see Jon grinning at him from behind his camera a couple yards away. Spencer wills himself not to blush, but he feels his cheeks get hot anyway. Damn it. And then Coco tumbles into his lap and Jon Jr. falls asleep draped over his neck and Persephone folds her little paws under her chest on his stomach and starts purring.
“See, they love you,” Ryan says. Coltrane is the only one who’s not on top of Spencer, too busy stalking Ryan’s shoelaces.
Jon ambles over and crouches down next to Spencer and Ryan and the kittens, and Coco butts her head up against his palm, and Spencer tries not to think about how close Jon’s hand is to his crotch.
Ryan notices the blush and the way Spencer stills. Coco bites Jon's fingers and Jon laughs leaning in to rub his face against Coco's neck. Spencer makes an almost squeak and Ryan smirks.
Spencer fixes him with a death stare.
The stare that means, If you say anything, Ryan, I will kill you in your sleep. I swear that I will.
Ryan laughs and when Jon looks up Ryan pretends to cough and picks up Coltrane. "Dusty out here." He mumbles.
Jon is actually sort of captivated by Spencer in a totally platonic way. Seriously. He's just. Really pretty for a guy. And he's a kitten magnet and that is just too adorable for words.
"Hey," Spencer says softly. "Hey, Jon Walker, have a kitten," and he pushes Coco's little rump in his direction.
Ryan coughs again, or makes a gagging sound or something. "Seriously, allergies," he says, eyes wide and not fooling anybody.
"I saw Mikey go into the kitchen, Ryan. Why don't you go not flirt with him?" Spencer says, smiling sweetly. Jon snickers and Coco bats at Jon's nose.
Ryan reaches over and flicks Spencer's arm with his fingers. "Let's not discuss Not Flirting."
Spencer gives him the look again.
*
Bob just can't believe the show. Ryan and Spencer giving each other pissy looks overtop fuzzy kittens, and Jon just looking confused. Seriously, he tells Gerard, "This is the gayest animal shelter in the greater New Jersey area."
Mikey snorts from where he's sitting at the kitchen table.
"This isn't actually the shelter," Gerard points out. He pours Bob a glass of lemonade. "Actually, you know, this is my home."
The shelter is, like, three houses down, though, so Bob doesn't see the difference.
"So speaking of gay, how's Dr. Patrick? He giving you any checkups lately?" Mikey drawls and lights a cigarette. Gerard gives a longing look in the direction, but he stays where he is.
His new year's resolution was to quit. He's doing really well.
Frank really likes being around when Gerard has his one cigarette of the day. The sounds Gerard makes when he takes that first drag.
Bob says, "Dr. Patrick's doing fine, thanks," smiling and in no way taking the bait. He has plans for Dr. Patrick. Big plans. Plans that he has every intention of implementing as soon as he can be in the same room as him and not act like a complete idiot. Joe's been giving him conversation tips.
Joe and Patrick go way back. Bob isn't exactly sure how they know each other, but he thinks it has something to do with Pete.
That could be a good way to start the conversation, Bob thinks. 'How'd you meet Joe? How'd you meet Pete?' Bob is quickly compiling a List of Topics to Discuss with Dr. Patrick.
Folk music, Chicago, Prince, and now How You Met Joe and/or Pete.
Bob is all about being prepared. He feels like the last couple of times that he's been faced with Dr. Patrick he hasn't been prepared. He hasn't had a plan. Now he has a plan.
Sapphy and Virginia come waddling into the kitchen from the den, herded by Lefty and trailed by Frank. Frank's got T-Bone on his shoulder - T-Bone squawks, "Pretty Lady!" at Gerard and then says, "Hello!" and, "Frank's handsome! Handsome boy, handsome boy!"
"Huh," Mikey says. "That one's new."
Bob bursts out laughing, almost doubled over.
Frank grins. "We've been practicing," he says.
Gerard grins, too, ducks his head and fills Sapphy and Virginia's bowls full of their special blend of feed. Frank's sort of adorable all mischievous. Gerard is sort of sweet on Frank. He'd never tell him, but he kind of wants to hug him all the time.
Not that the entire house and greater tristate area doesn't know it. Gerard's oblivious to Frank's subtle and not so subtle flirting, but he thinks he's being subtle and slick with his crush.
"C'mere, T-Bone," Gerard says holding out his arm. "Pretty Lady!" The bird squawks.
Mikey and Bob share a look. Mikey and Bob have no room to talk, though, so they just roll their eyes as T-Bone flies across the room - nearly clipping Mikey's head - to land on Gerard's wrist.
And then Frank crosses the room to lean against Gerard's side. Subtle-like. Hips pressing. Frank practically bares his neck for Gerard, and Gerard just blushes faintly and ruffles the feathers on T-Bone's chest with a forefinger.
This house is the house of oblivious, Bob thinks and mentally sighs.
"You're a pretty thing," Gerard says and he tears his eyes away from Frank to look at T-Bone. "Such a pretty... bird." He murmurs and Frank moves, shifts to practically rub against Gerard's side.
"You should touch the back of his neck. He likes that," Frank says and Mikey rolls his eyes and Bob stifles a laugh.
Gerard blushes a hotly. "Oh, like this?"
“Mmm-hmm,” Frank murmurs, then lifts his hand to join Gerard’s, fingers brushing as they smooth down T-Bone’s bright green back.
T-Bone squawks, dances a little with his wings fluttering, then settles down again. He cocks his head and says, “Handsome boy.”
“Yeah, handsome boy,” Gerard automatically agrees, then realizes how blatantly that references Frank and he thinks maybe he’s going to be permanently red until the end of time. Jesus.
“Oh my god,” Mikey mutters. He feels like covering his eyes or something. They’re so pathetic.
Bob leans in and whispers. "You think if we bought them each a clue that they'd take it."
Mikey shakes his head. "Not even with an instruction manual."
Gerard swallows and he does not look at Frank. Does not. Can not. That would be obvious. "Uhm, do you want..."
"Yeah?" Frank asks leaning forward, smiling.
"Do you want to help me with the birds?" Gerard asks in a rush.
Frank's smile falters a bit, but he nods. "Sure, love to."
"Not even with an instruction manual and a map, Bryar." Mikey says rolling his eyes.
*
While Frank and Gerard are making cow-eyes at each other over the bird feed, Gabe and William - or really just William, since Gabe sort of just stares eerily at Brendon and gives him this totally scary smile - are harassing Brendon about his abstinence. Really, it’s his fault for wandering that close to the Fence. William doesn’t quite get it.
“I don’t have sex,” Brendon explains.
“Like, with people who you aren’t dating?” William asks. He looks really puzzled.
“Like, I don’t have sex at all.” Brendon doesn’t actually mind the questions. He’s open about it.
William rubs a hand over his mouth. “Have you ever had sex?” he asks, sort of slyly, licking his lips, and Gabe’s eyes go narrow and dark behind William.
“Um. Yes?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out as a question, but William licked his lips.
"So, you have... a renewed virginity or something?" William asks and leans forward, totally invading Brendon's space, as William is wont to do.
Brendon licks his lips (monkey see...) and shrugs and nods. "Sort of. I mean, I had it once. And it was nice, but not something I want to do again. Not unless it mattered."
Gabe and William both blink at Brendon. "How does it not matter?"
Gabe nudges William. "Maybe he means the times you get off."
William nods. "Well, yeah. That would totally matter." Then William freezes. "Wait," he says. "Wait, you don't have, like," he makes some obscene gestures, "a problem, do you?"
Brendon follows William's hand motions, forehead crinkling. "What?"
Gabe snickers. "Oh, dude."
"What? What are you--Oh my god, are you--" Brendon covers his face with his hand. "No. No," he states emphatically. "And stop doing that, Bill, please stop." He can't help giggling a little, though.
Bill thinks that Brendon giggling is adorable. He wonders what it'd sound like naked. He likes to categorize the people he knows by the times he's seen them naked and the things that they're doing while naked.
Brendon, he thinks, would be lovely naked and giggling. William leans forward and Brendon steps forward and gives William a hug. "You're funny.”
"Oh yeah, he's a riot," Gabe says. He folds his arms over the top of the fence and waggles his eyebrows. "Got a hug for me there, Urie?"
Brendon's been warned about Gabe. Gerard sat him down and gave him The Talk. He's not supposed to get within touching distance. He doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings, though, so he shuffles forward, towards the half open gate. William steps aside to let him pass, and, okay, Brendon's super curious. What actually happens on The Other Side Of The Fence?
Brendon peers around the gate and he's surprised to find that it's not all beer cans and used condoms or anything of the Sodom and Gomorrah that Gerard was implying. It's nice and clean.
Surprisingly so, and Brendon immediately feels bad about prejudging Gabe.
Gabe's arms swallow him up in a hug and Brendon smiles. Gabe's not such a bad...
"HEY!" Brendon jumps back smacking Gabe's hands away from his ass. Gabe's fingers were going down between... "You... you stay on that side." Brendon says, blushing furiously.
Gabe laughs. "Oh, come on. It'll matter," he says, and Brendon scowls.
He's pretty easy-going, but he's not keen on being made fun of so meanly. "You're mean. You are so mean, Gabe," he says.
William has a sudden and very weird protective urge towards Brendon and slips his arm around Brendon's shoulders in possibly the least sexy move he's ever made. That's not to say it isn't sexy, but it's not very. He cuddles Brendon close to his side and pets his hair. "There now," he says. "I won't let Gabe molest you, young Brendon. You may depend on me."
Brendon leans against William and he has the urge to stick his tongue out at Gabe. Gabe is a bad, bad man. William is nice.
"You can maybe be on the list," Brendon says and hugs William. He brightens when Jon comes out of the main house. "Hey Jon! Jon! The Ritters' cow is having a calf! You want to come see it?"
*
The Ritters live behind Gerard. Tyson had asked for a dog for Christmas about five years ago, and instead his parents gave him a Belted Galloway. Her name's Lula Bell and Tyson's pretty attached to her. He's super worried about the birth, even though Nick insists it'll be fine.
Nick assists the local large animal vet. He's not really a Tech, but he's been helping out so long he knows a lot anyway.
Jon is still toying with the idea of following in Dr. Patrick's footsteps. (He has to remember not to follow so closely behind or Bob will kick his ass.) Brendon's good company on these outings.
Brendon's kind of a doof, but he's a goodhearted one and he distracts Ty from being worried and Nick kind of could kiss that Urie kid.
Despite working for quite a while at the shelter, Brendon has never actually seen any animal give birth.
He's seen broken bones and routine checkups and all sorts of needle-involved things, and he's got a relatively tough stomach. He's super excited for Lula Bell to drop her calf, but once it gets down to the wire, once he sees goop and blood and the first slimy hoof he gets a little light-headed, and the next thing he knows, he's blinking up at Jon from the hay-scented ground.
"What happened?" he asks.
Jon's lips quirk up. "You fainted."
Brendon groans. "Do not tell Ryan." He struggles to sit up and Jon has to help him. Ty comes back with a cool bottle of water. "Here," he says and Brendon blushes. He was there so he could help and now he's the one that needs taking care of.
Nick clears his throat right before there's a faint bleating sound.
Ty whips around and he goes to hug Lula Bell around the neck. "That's my girl. Ohhh, look how pretty she is."
The calf is all spindly and adorable and Ty watches with smug pride as Lula Bell nuzzles and licks it.
"Good job, Lula," he says softly.
Jon helps Brendon to his feet and Brendon leans into his side and goes, "Awwwww."
"Pretty cool, huh?" Jon asks.
Brendon nods.
Ty is covered in goo, but Nick still thinks he's really really adorable.
Jon leans in and whispers, "We should leave them alone."
"Who? Ty and the cow?" Brendon asks.
Jon thwaps Brendon lightly. "Come let me explain the logistics of boy on boy love."
Nick throws a handful of hay at them.
*
It's been a long day. When Jon and Brendon let themselves back into Gerard's house, almost everyone has already gone home. Mikey is curled up in a recliner and Bob's flipping through the TV channels, and Gerard has his laptop open on the coffee table. Spencer is sprawled out on the floor. His eyes are closed, but he's probably not asleep.
Brendon bends down and says "Bye" really loudly and Spencer flips him off without opening his eyes.
They wave goodbye to the rest of the guys and move on through to the front of the house and out the front door. Jon lives one direction and Brendon lives the other, so Brendon ends up walking the couple blocks to his house all by himself.
Brendon doesn't automatically register the footfalls behind him, but when he turns Ryan's there. He smiles and stops. "Hey, do you want to come over? My mom's making dinner."
Ryan pauses and looks at him as if he's trying to figure Brendon out.
Brendon just smiles and holds out his arm, crooking it at the elbow. "C'mon, it's meatloaf night."
Ryan takes Brendon's arm and doesn't mention that he's vegetarian.