"...there's been a run of crazy dreams..." there really has, I also had a weird dream. It seems like a trend going on here. ( can someone ananlyze this? )
Here goes nothin'. I hope I don't get too personal... I'm a psychology buff.
"When I was napping with Anthony I had a dream that I was in my old HS but it looked NOTHING LIKE my old HS... it just WAS my old HS."
High school is often a period of intense pressure, both from your teachers and your peers, and it's the period in which people put the most effort into experiencing things, and trying to determine and explore who they are. Teachers, peers and parents are always pulling you in two directions; you're told to grow up and act like an adult while being continually reminded that you don't know anything.
From what you've told me elsewhere, your living situation is very similar to this, so the backdrop of high school is obvious.
"I was going from class to class when I realized that I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE DOING! I mean, it really worried me b/c as I looked thru the sylabus to see how far behind I was I had read NONE OF the material."
Again, we're touching on a lot of confusion and pressure to do things a specific way, and on a certain schedule. Maybe this represents an inner guilt at having disappointed your parents, or feeling as though you've failed to live up to their expectations.
"So I walk out of the building and into my old elementry school building's kitchen where I go to check my schedule to see where I'm supposed to be. I'm going thru my purse and I realize that I shouldn't be in the kitchen at all b/c detention's being held there."
Clearly, you do not want to be stuck in a situation where you are trapped, and avoiding the "detention kitchen" is an effort on your part to retain and preserve yourself, your dreams, and your aspirations.
"I then realized that I was high on something and walking all funny."
Hmmm... maybe the experience of being away from that place of schedules and rules is somehow euphoric, either in a liberating and "guilty pleasure" way (hence the police, who represent those people that tell you that everything that makes you happy is wrong), or in a dangerous way (because being separated from that confinement is scary and unfamiliar, and the police would represent your fear keeping you from wandering too far). Take your pick.
"So I go outside, head for my car and realize that a)I suddenly have Anthony with me and b)I've left the doors unlocked."
Of course! Anthony is the part of you that is totally and completely yours, and no one can take that away from you. Naturally, he'd be there. As for the doors being unlocked, my guess is that if you've come this far, it would take far too much time to dig out your keys if you have to make a quick getaway -- especially if there are cops all over the place.
"When I go to buckle him in I see a third hand. I can't breathe b/c I'm so scared but then I think "OK, Anthony's hand and my left hand." As soon as I realize that it's a man's hand and that my hand just isn't LIKE THAT it grabs my hand and kisses it. I realize that it's just a male friend of mine, crouched in the backseat. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him back."
Ah, now we get interesting. The "dark figure" in a dream was first discovered and noted by Cral Jung, who said that this entity represents the deepest, darkest desires within us; those things that we would never tell anyone, and the person we would be if there was no one else around within a million miles. He's the Shadow self, a manifestation of your deepest needs and wants. He isn't necessarily evil, though, so don't make the mistake of assuming that his dark shadowy-ness makes him "BAD"; he's just hidden from everyone else. That's why he's crouched in the back where only you can see him.
And he does love you. He wants you to know that who you are, underneath all of the trivial and pressurized bullshit, is OK. You are unique, you are above all of the things trying to hold you down, and you have every right to put Anthony in his carseat, get into your car, and drive wherever you want to go.
Thank you for analyzing this for me!skoolgrl1979October 21 2003, 16:09:07 UTC
That's why being on my own was so good even tho my friends kept screwing me over. I could be ME without all the extra pressure... friends at least let me be me for the most part. Yeah, I've had a guilty conscience for years and I haven't been able to shake it. I felt better about myself when I was away from them (they're wonderful ppl I just suck at being a good kid) and because of who they were and how everyone in town knew them I was expdcted to be a certain way: my little sister's the perfectionist, I just gave up a long time ago. I struggle with feeling guilty for not playing their game; and at the same time I feel repressed and like I'm lying to myself and I feel so jealous of people who CAN do that b/c I can't seem to get away with it.
Um... both? I'm a person who NEEDS schedules and I work best under pressure but it has to be MY pressure, not the pressurs of others or I fall apart.
I've got a LOT of stuff hidden, I know everyone else does too. I guess it's just that... I'm such an open person, friendly, accepting, kind, caring, happy, a little nutty... I've got some seriously deep secrets that NO ONE will EVER dig out of me. NEVER. I've got to be able to convince myself that I really am OK b/c most of the time I don't think so.
"When I was napping with Anthony I had a dream that I was in my old HS but it looked NOTHING LIKE my old HS... it just WAS my old HS."
High school is often a period of intense pressure, both from your teachers and your peers, and it's the period in which people put the most effort into experiencing things, and trying to determine and explore who they are. Teachers, peers and parents are always pulling you in two directions; you're told to grow up and act like an adult while being continually reminded that you don't know anything.
From what you've told me elsewhere, your living situation is very similar to this, so the backdrop of high school is obvious.
"I was going from class to class when I realized that I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WE WERE DOING! I mean, it really worried me b/c as I looked thru the sylabus to see how far behind I was I had read NONE OF the material."
Again, we're touching on a lot of confusion and pressure to do things a specific way, and on a certain schedule. Maybe this represents an inner guilt at having disappointed your parents, or feeling as though you've failed to live up to their expectations.
"So I walk out of the building and into my old elementry school building's kitchen where I go to check my schedule to see where I'm supposed to be. I'm going thru my purse and I realize that I shouldn't be in the kitchen at all b/c detention's being held there."
Clearly, you do not want to be stuck in a situation where you are trapped, and avoiding the "detention kitchen" is an effort on your part to retain and preserve yourself, your dreams, and your aspirations.
"I then realized that I was high on something and walking all funny."
Hmmm... maybe the experience of being away from that place of schedules and rules is somehow euphoric, either in a liberating and "guilty pleasure" way (hence the police, who represent those people that tell you that everything that makes you happy is wrong), or in a dangerous way (because being separated from that confinement is scary and unfamiliar, and the police would represent your fear keeping you from wandering too far). Take your pick.
"So I go outside, head for my car and realize that a)I suddenly have Anthony with me and b)I've left the doors unlocked."
Of course! Anthony is the part of you that is totally and completely yours, and no one can take that away from you. Naturally, he'd be there. As for the doors being unlocked, my guess is that if you've come this far, it would take far too much time to dig out your keys if you have to make a quick getaway -- especially if there are cops all over the place.
"When I go to buckle him in I see a third hand. I can't breathe b/c I'm so scared but then I think "OK, Anthony's hand and my left hand." As soon as I realize that it's a man's hand and that my hand just isn't LIKE THAT it grabs my hand and kisses it. I realize that it's just a male friend of mine, crouched in the backseat. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him back."
Ah, now we get interesting. The "dark figure" in a dream was first discovered and noted by Cral Jung, who said that this entity represents the deepest, darkest desires within us; those things that we would never tell anyone, and the person we would be if there was no one else around within a million miles. He's the Shadow self, a manifestation of your deepest needs and wants. He isn't necessarily evil, though, so don't make the mistake of assuming that his dark shadowy-ness makes him "BAD"; he's just hidden from everyone else. That's why he's crouched in the back where only you can see him.
And he does love you. He wants you to know that who you are, underneath all of the trivial and pressurized bullshit, is OK. You are unique, you are above all of the things trying to hold you down, and you have every right to put Anthony in his carseat, get into your car, and drive wherever you want to go.
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That's why being on my own was so good even tho my friends kept screwing me over. I could be ME without all the extra pressure... friends at least let me be me for the most part. Yeah, I've had a guilty conscience for years and I haven't been able to shake it. I felt better about myself when I was away from them (they're wonderful ppl I just suck at being a good kid) and because of who they were and how everyone in town knew them I was expdcted to be a certain way: my little sister's the perfectionist, I just gave up a long time ago. I struggle with feeling guilty for not playing their game; and at the same time I feel repressed and like I'm lying to myself and I feel so jealous of people who CAN do that b/c I can't seem to get away with it.
Um... both? I'm a person who NEEDS schedules and I work best under pressure but it has to be MY pressure, not the pressurs of others or I fall apart.
I've got a LOT of stuff hidden, I know everyone else does too. I guess it's just that... I'm such an open person, friendly, accepting, kind, caring, happy, a little nutty... I've got some seriously deep secrets that NO ONE will EVER dig out of me. NEVER. I've got to be able to convince myself that I really am OK b/c most of the time I don't think so.
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