Canadian Wizard
So there I was right? Down to the last beer and the last smoke, eh? When me and buddy decided that we needed a bit more. Well fuck me if it wasn’t like fifty below outside and the liquor store hadn’t closed a half hour ago. Insufficient planning, Buddy said. Fuck you, I said. And right then and there I closed my eyes and wished for more beer and smokes and like Jesus Christ himself SHAZAM just like the loaves and fishes I made six flats and two cartons out of thin air.
That’s how I found out I was fuckin’ wizard. I’d heard rumours of my dad who died before I was born being magical but I was always thought that was my mom’s way of saying that he just was real good at disappearing, right?
So the day after Buddy and I polish off those smokes and beers, I go to my mom’s part-time job at the Tim Horton’s when she’s on her smoke break and I say to her “Hey. Mom. So dad was like an actual wizard, eh?” and she starts crying and I give her a hug and then she looks up at me with those big tear-filled eyes, takes the tear-soaked lung dart from her lips and says the words that chill me to this day.
“Fucking A right he was.”
So I was off to Wizard school. I hear there’s other ones around the world but the newest one is right here in Canada. Only two hundred years old. It’s called Moosetumours.
Because Canada’s so big, each province has a way to get to it, eh? In PEI there’s a secret cave by the base of the Peggy’s Cove lighthouse but here in Vancouver, you go down to Waterfront station and right there in between the Canada Line and the Seabus is platform 99 which as we all know is the number of the greatest hockey player to ever play the game, traitor though he may be.
So I’m on the train to Moosetumours with all the other wizard children but most of them all knew their heritage from the get-go right? So I just keep to myself. Except for this ginger kid from Prince George named Ron A Mcdonald and an awkward little girl from Barkerville named Hermione Lyon Mackenzie King no one even talked to me.
When we get to Moosetumours, we’re hustled into the main hall and I’m telling you I’ve never seen anything like it in my fucking life. Fucking massive it was. You got that right.
So there’s got to be near six hundred of us and poof, suddenly there’s pancakes, KD, and grilled cheese on every table. We all dig in. All the teachers crack their twist-offs and have a cold one.
Just as I’m taking my first bite, they bring out the sorting toque.
I don’t know what to expect. There are four houses here at Moosetumours, and it’s a really big deal to end up in one and not the other or so I hear.
There’s Grizzlydor, Beaverin, Belugapuffin and Loonieclaw.
I got sorted into Grizzlydor, same with the people I met on the train. I was pretty stoked. That sounded like a wicked house. I almost got sorted into Beaverin but the toque changed its mind at the last minute, eh. Those Loonieclaws looks nuts but super smart. Thank fuck I wasn’t put in Belugapuffin.
At least Grizzlydor wins the Quickey matches. That’s like Quidditch but with skates and sticks.
Anyways, I got a defense against the Dark Arts class coming up with Bob and Doug Mackenzie. After that, it’s Potions with Stephen Harper. And then I’m pretty nervous because I’ve been summoned to the headmaster’s office to have a talk with the headmaster, Neil Young.
The place is pretty weird. I passed the ghost of Nearly Legless Stompin’ Tom on the way to my first class.
There’s talk of heading down to Robson Alley to go shopping for wands at Trudeau’s wand shop. I don’t know what the core of my wand’s going to be, but I know the wood’s going to be pure fucking maple.
tags
That’s how I found out I was fuckin’ wizard. I’d heard rumours of my dad who died before I was born being magical but I was always thought that was my mom’s way of saying that he just was real good at disappearing, right?
So the day after Buddy and I polish off those smokes and beers, I go to my mom’s part-time job at the Tim Horton’s when she’s on her smoke break and I say to her “Hey. Mom. So dad was like an actual wizard, eh?” and she starts crying and I give her a hug and then she looks up at me with those big tear-filled eyes, takes the tear-soaked lung dart from her lips and says the words that chill me to this day.
“Fucking A right he was.”
So I was off to Wizard school. I hear there’s other ones around the world but the newest one is right here in Canada. Only two hundred years old. It’s called Moosetumours.
Because Canada’s so big, each province has a way to get to it, eh? In PEI there’s a secret cave by the base of the Peggy’s Cove lighthouse but here in Vancouver, you go down to Waterfront station and right there in between the Canada Line and the Seabus is platform 99 which as we all know is the number of the greatest hockey player to ever play the game, traitor though he may be.
So I’m on the train to Moosetumours with all the other wizard children but most of them all knew their heritage from the get-go right? So I just keep to myself. Except for this ginger kid from Prince George named Ron A Mcdonald and an awkward little girl from Barkerville named Hermione Lyon Mackenzie King no one even talked to me.
When we get to Moosetumours, we’re hustled into the main hall and I’m telling you I’ve never seen anything like it in my fucking life. Fucking massive it was. You got that right.
So there’s got to be near six hundred of us and poof, suddenly there’s pancakes, KD, and grilled cheese on every table. We all dig in. All the teachers crack their twist-offs and have a cold one.
Just as I’m taking my first bite, they bring out the sorting toque.
I don’t know what to expect. There are four houses here at Moosetumours, and it’s a really big deal to end up in one and not the other or so I hear.
There’s Grizzlydor, Beaverin, Belugapuffin and Loonieclaw.
I got sorted into Grizzlydor, same with the people I met on the train. I was pretty stoked. That sounded like a wicked house. I almost got sorted into Beaverin but the toque changed its mind at the last minute, eh. Those Loonieclaws looks nuts but super smart. Thank fuck I wasn’t put in Belugapuffin.
At least Grizzlydor wins the Quickey matches. That’s like Quidditch but with skates and sticks.
Anyways, I got a defense against the Dark Arts class coming up with Bob and Doug Mackenzie. After that, it’s Potions with Stephen Harper. And then I’m pretty nervous because I’ve been summoned to the headmaster’s office to have a talk with the headmaster, Neil Young.
The place is pretty weird. I passed the ghost of Nearly Legless Stompin’ Tom on the way to my first class.
There’s talk of heading down to Robson Alley to go shopping for wands at Trudeau’s wand shop. I don’t know what the core of my wand’s going to be, but I know the wood’s going to be pure fucking maple.
tags