Loud incompetence is the most enteraining thing in the world
2006-04-24
I went to a concert last night and there was this guy. There was this guy. He was ostensibly manning the soundboard. What he was actually doing was telling everyone who would listen how competent and awesome he was while doing absolutely incompetent things. I’m not a sound engineer. When someone who is NOT a sound engineer is thinking to themselves “uh, dude?” then you have to know you’re screwing up big time.
The first time I noticed him was when, two songs into the first set, I heard him shouting. Someone was talking to him and he starting shouting, “Because you don’t WORK here anymore, that’s why! What do you mean by who? The same person I work for. Our BOSS, you idiot! Get the fuck out of here!” and the target of his outrage vamoosed. The thirty or so people around the sound booth looked around in confusion.
Such was the beginning.
He spent the next forty five minutes retelling the story of why he yelled at that guy to the people sitting near the sound booth.
The lead singer cups his hands around his mouth after the third song and says “Thank you Vancouver. I hope you can hear me. We don’t have any mikes but I wanted to say I appreciate you coming out.” And starts playing again.
The Sound Guy actually yells “Because you said you didn’t fucking NEED any mikes! You little bitch. What an asshole.”
And then flips a switch.
“They’re on if you need them!” he shouts but not loud enough to be heard by the band. All the time, shaking his head, incredulous at the band’s incompetence.
I’m serious. I’m totally serious.
After adding ‘why there’s no mikes onstage’ to his ‘these are the reasons why I’m awesome’ diatribe he comes out with this little gem.
“A wise man once told me, if you want to make a difference in this business, you have to be in charge of shit.”
Then he says fuck this and goes for a smoke.
The band finishes their set about a minute later.
You see what I’m saying? There is dead air and band is leaving the stage. The manager comes over and looks behind the empty sound board with a “Well, that’s odd, I could have sworn I hired someone to do sound tonight.” expression on his face.
Sound guy comes jogging back WITH HIS LIT CIGARETTE and gets the in house music going before going up onstage WITH HIS LIT CIGARETTE and starts setting up for the next band all the while telling the band that’s leaving what a bunch of morons they are but it all breaks down into hugs while he’s shaking his head at what a bunch of amateurs they are, a ala John Goodman in The Big Lebowski.
It went on from there. Hi s best guess as to how to hook up the sound was not the best way to hook up the sound.
His diatribe did not stop.
He had a sidekick that looked like he was coming down from something. Ravaged face, backwards hat, black t shirt, and twitchy as hell. Always itching. This guy looked up to the sound guy and followed his orders. He looked uncomfortable to be in public.
I’m fairly certain there had to be some cocaine involved.
Together, they were more entertaining than the band.
I went to a concert last night and there was this guy. There was this guy. He was ostensibly manning the soundboard. What he was actually doing was telling everyone who would listen how competent and awesome he was while doing absolutely incompetent things. I’m not a sound engineer. When someone who is NOT a sound engineer is thinking to themselves “uh, dude?” then you have to know you’re screwing up big time.
The first time I noticed him was when, two songs into the first set, I heard him shouting. Someone was talking to him and he starting shouting, “Because you don’t WORK here anymore, that’s why! What do you mean by who? The same person I work for. Our BOSS, you idiot! Get the fuck out of here!” and the target of his outrage vamoosed. The thirty or so people around the sound booth looked around in confusion.
Such was the beginning.
He spent the next forty five minutes retelling the story of why he yelled at that guy to the people sitting near the sound booth.
The lead singer cups his hands around his mouth after the third song and says “Thank you Vancouver. I hope you can hear me. We don’t have any mikes but I wanted to say I appreciate you coming out.” And starts playing again.
The Sound Guy actually yells “Because you said you didn’t fucking NEED any mikes! You little bitch. What an asshole.”
And then flips a switch.
“They’re on if you need them!” he shouts but not loud enough to be heard by the band. All the time, shaking his head, incredulous at the band’s incompetence.
I’m serious. I’m totally serious.
After adding ‘why there’s no mikes onstage’ to his ‘these are the reasons why I’m awesome’ diatribe he comes out with this little gem.
“A wise man once told me, if you want to make a difference in this business, you have to be in charge of shit.”
Then he says fuck this and goes for a smoke.
The band finishes their set about a minute later.
You see what I’m saying? There is dead air and band is leaving the stage. The manager comes over and looks behind the empty sound board with a “Well, that’s odd, I could have sworn I hired someone to do sound tonight.” expression on his face.
Sound guy comes jogging back WITH HIS LIT CIGARETTE and gets the in house music going before going up onstage WITH HIS LIT CIGARETTE and starts setting up for the next band all the while telling the band that’s leaving what a bunch of morons they are but it all breaks down into hugs while he’s shaking his head at what a bunch of amateurs they are, a ala John Goodman in The Big Lebowski.
It went on from there. Hi s best guess as to how to hook up the sound was not the best way to hook up the sound.
His diatribe did not stop.
He had a sidekick that looked like he was coming down from something. Ravaged face, backwards hat, black t shirt, and twitchy as hell. Always itching. This guy looked up to the sound guy and followed his orders. He looked uncomfortable to be in public.
I’m fairly certain there had to be some cocaine involved.
Together, they were more entertaining than the band.