lazy days
so yeah, this is my first entry, I spose. my friends tried to make an lj for me on friday, and posted some weird shit on my behalf, but for some reason that didn't work hahaha so I remade this in a moment of boredom.
so there's an old pic of me from the summer, just after I cut that side of my hair off and and before I then dyed it red. a lot has changed since then. and weirdly enough, when I think of it, I sort of thought the same thing at the time. this last year or so, or even like, two years of my life have just been a period of continous change.
at the time I was still with my drunken man-child boyfriend, in fact, I was eagerly waiting for him to arrive back in the city as he had been on a two month stint of travelling and couldn't bear to be away from me anymore. he unceremoniously broke up with me.....just over a month ago now, I think. it's been hard, but I don't want to get into the details right now, because I've already been dwelling on the whole situation near constantly since it occurred. I am the master of dwelling on shit. it was my first relationship and so obviously this is my first breakup, and everything happened in such a fucked-up nonconvential way, that I really have no experience to draw on right now. but you gain experience by experiencing, right? so in a way I'm kind of glad I'm weathering this through, learning as I go.
this picture was also taken by a friend who I just saw for the first time in months last wednesday, along with a few other people I've gotten really distanced from. there's no drama behind that story, we just ended up with different crowds.
and now, I'm in a DIFFERENT different crowd, as the old crowd is made up of mostly the ex's friends. I still like and respect a lot of them, it's just sort of awkward being around them now. plus there's a lot of alcohol and drug abuse running around new york and as I've now seen a few too many people that I loved made absolutely unbearable by alcoholism and substance addiction it's...a little depressing. i don't have a lot hope left for these kids, to be perfectly honest, because no matter how awesome they are now, I've seen the sweetest personalities absolutely dissapear in an instant. I know it sounds harsh, but idk. i hope I'm not seriously offending or hurting anyone, these aren't even concrete opinions, just random shit that's been stewing somewhere between my ears.
this is heavy shit for an intro I spose but I'm just letting the thoughts come as they may. I swear I'm normally not this negative and drudging and boring. I SWEAR! I'm really quite lively and funny and shit. I don't let my cynicism turn me into some anti-social old bat who like sits in the corner mumbling and whining about the world and purposefully bringing down everyone's energy. I'm really nice to people.
this is just the way I'm feeling at the moment which is sort of the point of a fucking journal, y'know? I'm TOO nice to people. I'm so nice to people that I get fucked over a lot. which is what's essentially bothering me.
but oh well. for now I've found a pretty good group of kids. but even though I really like my new friends and acquaintances I'm sort of scared because now I know what happened the last time I found a new circle that I really liked (it all sort of fell apart over the course of the fall/summer, like I've been saying). but I'm trying not to be too anxious and just enjoy it. I'm just in like super fucking weird thought mode because I've been sitting at home all day.
so these people include lola, who is not new at all. we've been best friends since like 7th grade but we've gotten a lot closer lately. we've both seen each other at the worst possible times and she's done so much for me and I can never love her enough to make up for it all.
then there's emily, who I met spring break last year randomly on the street and found out she was coming to my school the next fall. out of all the people I met and grew close to during that time, which was a lot, she's the only one that I've REALLY REALLY stuck with, though like I said, I'm still on good terms which a lot of the people that I just don't see as much any more. I see her like every day and we're interested in a lot of the same shit and we agree on a lot of things and the things that we don't agree on we have awesome debates about and we laugh and drink and have fun and etc. love that chica.
then there's jessica, who's been too stressed out over her college stuff and her home life and her long-distance girlfriend to chill much lately, but she's still my epic nerdy snuggle-bun, and siena, who's my big dykey philosophic compadre who I interestingly had some weird romantic trouble with in ninth grade but we're all good now hahah.
and then, more recently, there's the whole abc no rio volunteer crew. I. LOVE. THEM. oh god, this post is already BALLS FUCKING LONG so I won't go into each and every person here but suffice to say that their an awesome, caring, intelligent and well rounded group. it's nice to be around punks who aren't either homeless and depressed or elitist housepunk dicks, but are just like, fucking cool people with cool clothes who listen to good music and stay true to their ethics. I hope to get to know all of them better, because I've only been going for about 4 weeks and I already feel like I'm part of some dysfunctional surrogate family. I've gotta go do math homework and play with my dumbass cat now, so peaceeee.