Don't Leave Me This Way
Title: Don’t Leave Me This Way
Author: skk670
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,640
Characters: Veronica, Logan, Dick and Madison
Spoilers: - Up to 3.11 - Poughkeepsie, Tramps & Thieves
Summary: Veronica tries to do the mature thing
Author's Note: Much thanks to the lovey fickledame for the super-fast beta.
The knocking on the penthouse door was soft but steady.
Dick waited for a moment but Logan remained seated, a throw pillow clutched in his lap, staring off into space. He didn’t react to the knocking or to Dick’s obvious annoyance.
“I’ll get it,” Dick offered.
He scrambled off the sofa and threw a disgusted look back at his roommate. Dick yanked open the door and sneered at the tiny blond in the hallway. Veronica had two large boxes stacked in her arms and craned her neck to see over the top of the stack. Dick shifted so that his body filled the small opening, blocking Logan from her view.
“What do you want?” Dick demanded, crossing his arms militantly.
She ducked her chin so that her face was mostly hidden behind the top box. “I have some things that are Logan’s,” Veronica explained. She spoke quietly but with determination. She shifted the boxes around and resettled them in her arms.
Dick leaned against the door, as though expecting her to suddenly charge him. “Just drop ‘em and leave,” he ordered.
Veronica’s nose shot up and her eyes narrowed. “Ahh, yes, Dick Casablancas’ relationship philosophy.”
Dick’s sneer turned ugly. “It’s now Logan Echolls’ relationship philosophy, too. So why don’t you just fuck off and evaporate, or something.”
“Shut up, Dick.”
Veronica bristled but it was Logan who spoke. Suddenly, he was at the door, pushing his friend aside. Logan opened the door fully and took the boxes from Veronica’s arms.
“Come in,” he offered, stepping aside for her.
Veronica looked past him at Dick. Logan also turned to look.
“Dick, I need to talk to Veronica alone,” Logan said quietly.
Dick sighed. “Don’t let her do this to you, man,” he urged. “All she does is fuck with your head. You don’t need that shit. You need a girl you can fuck with your head.”
“Dick…” Logan spoke warningly.
“She’s just pussy,” Dick continued. “You can get that anywhere. Hell, just walk into the lobby. Half the girls here drop to their knees when you ask ‘em.”
Veronica drew her breath in on a sharp hiss. Logan stepped between Dick and Veronica and turned to face his best friend.
“Don’t start,” Logan ordered in a dangerous tone.
The two stared at each for a charged moment then Dick curled his lip in derision.
“Fine,” Dick agreed. “But don’t expect me to pick up the pieces again. You keep letting her yank you around by the balls, then you’re gonna have to accept that they’re gone when she’s gone.”
Dick stalked across the large living area and into his bedroom. He slammed the door behind him for good measure. Logan stared at the closed door for a moment then drew a deep breath. He turned back to look at Veronica.
She was still standing out in the hallway, just beyond the penthouse door. She had her messenger bag clutched tightly in both hands and was looking down at the floor. Her body was quivering visibly and he could feel her desire to bolt.
But Veronica surprised him. She took a calming breath then squarely met his gaze. She gestured to the boxes he held.
“Those are for you,” she explained. “Some things you left at my apartment and your…” she faltered for a second, then spoke again, “…your Christmas present is there, too.”
He stared down at the boxes. He could see a soft green cashmere sweater poking out of the gap where the unsealed cardboard flaps didn’t meet. He put the boxes down on the coffee table, very gently, as though they contained priceless treasures.
But it wasn’t treasure. It was the ashes of a fucked-up relationship.
Veronica crossed the room and reached for the top box. Logan noticed absently that it was a bulk box for Veronica’s favorite coffee. He smiled reluctantly. He could picture the diminutive blond drinking her weight in Columbian dark roast. His brief smile died when he saw the other box was a bulk case for vodka. Yeah, he had drunk what felt like his body weight of the potent spirit.
And, still, he couldn’t forget.
Vodka numbed the pain but it never made it go away. Nothing ever made it go away. But he never stopped trying.
He reached for the coffee box. “You don’t have to carry that,” he protested. “I can empty it later.”
She met his gaze briefly and allowed him to take the box from her. “Actually, I was going to use that box to pack my stuff. I left a few things here.”
“Oh.” He looked down at the cardboard and nodded briefly. “Okay, then let’s do this.”
He led her into his bedroom and unceremoniously dumped the contents of the box over his bed. A cascade of sweaters and jackets - Veronica was always forgetting to take a sweater with her on cool nights - DVDs, paperbacks and board shorts tumbled onto the silk coverlet. He righted the box and held it out for her.
“I’ll only be a minute,” she promised.
He nodded silently, pressing his lips together to keep back the words that were fighting to be said. He locked his jaw as she set the box down in front of the dresser and quickly, efficiently, transferred her possessions into the box.
A muscle twitched in his tightly clenched jaw as she shoved a lacy pink bra into the box. The lace caught on the corner and she yanked viciously. The tearing was audible as the delicate material separated from the garment and stuck stubbornly to the side. Veronica stared at the lace strip for a few seconds, as though lost in a memory. Then she released her breath on what sounded suspiciously like a sob.
Logan’s control crumbled.
“Veronica, stop,” he pleaded brokenly. “We don’t have to do this.”
She breathed rapidly through her open mouth and her little hands clenched into fists. Tears swam in her eyes but she blinked them back. Veronica got up and crossed to the bathroom. Logan remained where he was but pivoted to follow her with his gaze.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he continued. “I never, ever meant to cause you pain.”
He watched her gather her toiletries and cross back to the box. She dumped them haphazardly and picked up the case. He moved to her side and took the carton from her arms.
“This doesn’t have to be the end,” he tried again. “We can get past this. Don’t tell me this isn’t killing you like it’s killing me.”
She shook her head and bit into her lower lip. “No, Logan,” she denied, her voice quivering only the smallest amount. “I won’t do this with you again. I won’t do this to you again.”
“What does that mean?” he demanded.
She blinked rapidly, her eyes brilliant with unshed tears. “You were right. You did the mature thing and tried to move on. I’m the one who can’t let go of the past. It was wrong of me to come back and expect everything to be the way it was before.” She sniffed back tears. “Especially since the way things were weren’t all that great.”
‘No, you were right,” he insisted. “When two people love each other, they keep trying. They don’t throw away what they have. They work through their problems.”
She shook her head again. “Our problems are bigger than we are, Logan.” Her voice broke when she said his name. “You saw that and I didn’t. I made you feel like you were a disappointment and you made me feel…” She stopped.
“What?” he asked urgently. “What did I make you feel?”
Veronica looked down.
“Tell me,” he insisted. “What did I make you feel?”
She was saved from replying when knocking on the front door distracted them. Veronica turned to walk back to the living area but Logan blocked her way.
“No, don’t leave,” he urged. “Finish what you were saying.”
The knocking came again, louder and more demanding this time. Dick’s bedroom door opened and the blond sauntered out. He glanced over at Logan’s open door and smiled maliciously.
“Mars giving you her goodbye special?” Dick smirked as he crossed to the door. “I heard that’s her trademark.”
Logan face reddened with rage as he turned to face his roommate, deliberately hiding Veronica from his view. “Shut up, Dick,” he ordered.
Dick’s smirk only grew wider as he opened the door. “Well, well, well,” he called out cheerfully. “Look who’s here to take another ride on the love machine,” he crooned, gyrating his hips in a lewd gesture.
“A woman would have to use a machine if her only option was you,” Madison responded coolly.
Veronica froze up as though her blood had turned to ice. The color drained from Logan’s face, leaving him pale under his ski-and-surf tan.
“Preferably one double your size or…” Madison faded off suggestively as her gaze landed on Logan. Her lips curled into smug smile. “Hi, Logan,” she purred.
Logan just stared at her.
Dick slipped his arm around Madison’s slim shoulders. “My room is this way,” he explained, indicating with a tilt of his head.
Madison shrugged off his arm. “Please,” she sniffed disdainfully. “If I had to choose between you and nothing…” She paused to consider. “Well, that’d be the same thing. A complete waste of my time. Go away, Dick.”
Dick scowled. “Then why are you here?”
“I lost my favorite earring,” Madison explained. “I wanted to ask Logan if maybe it fell off when I was here the other day.”
Dick’s brows furrowed in confusion. “When were you here?” He looked up at Logan. “Hey man, you didn’t tell me she came by.”
“I forgot,” Logan responded flatly. “It wasn’t worth remembering.”
Madison’s eyes narrowed in annoyance then her gaze settled on the box in Logan’s arms. “Ugh,” she wrinkled her nose prettily. “Is that some of Veronica Mars bargain basement lingerie? You should leave it out for the maids,” she advised. “I sure her kind thinks that it’s high class.” She shrugged dismissively. “And for them it is.”
Dick’s gaze also turned to the torn pink lace. “Not bad,” Dick decided. “Are there panties to match?”
“None of your fucking business, Dick,” Logan responded through clenched teeth.
“Oh, please,” Madison shuddered in disgust. “I saw her the other day at Cacique. She was shopping from the clearance rack.”
Dick shrugged. “So? It all looks the same when shredded on floor. Right, Logan?”
Dick grinned and looked to Logan for confirmation. But Logan stood as still at a statue, his expression carefully blank. Dick looked confused for an instant but his face cleared almost immediately. He turned back to Madison.
“How about you come into my room and look for your earring?” he suggested, giving Madison a slow smile.
Madison shot Logan an irritated glance then smiled maliciously. “Maybe I should look in Logan’s bedroom,” she suggested. “It might still be in his pillows.”
Dick’s expression was slack with shock. He blinked rapidly as he turned to Logan. Logan looked down, unable to look his best friend in the eyes. Dick looked back from Logan’s hung head to Madison’s spiteful smile. He turned back to Logan.
“Is that true?” Dick asked.
“It wasn’t like that.” Logan tightened his grip on the box and looked up. “I was drinking too much and I had just broken up with Veronica and...” he trailed off helplessly.
“You fucking asshole,” Dick whispered, splotches of red discoloring his face.
“Now, boys,” Madison simpered. “Don’t start fighting over me.”
Dick whirled to glare at her. “This has nothing to do with you,” he snarled. “It’s about the code. It’s about who he’s supposed to be loyal to. You don’t shit on the code and you don’t shit on your friends.”
Logan stepped forward. “She was just there,” he tried to explain. “It meant nothing, less than nothing. I regretted it the second it happened.”
“What?” Madison cried indignantly.
Dick ignored her. “Who always had your back, Logan?” he demanded. “Who stood aside when you were off banging my stepmother?”
“Stepmother?” Madison gasped.
Dick continued to ignore her. “Who the fuck picked up the pieces every time Veronica Mars ripped off your balls and shoved them down your throat?” he continued.
Logan swallowed.
“Who’s the one person who’s always stood beside you?” Dick was so angry he was nearly frothing at the mouth. “Me, that’s who. I’m the only person who didn’t dive off a bridge or fuck your girlfriend and then beat her to death or run off on you with his bastard brat. Me.”
Dick stalked over to Logan until they were nose to nose.
“Me,” Dick repeated. “I’m the only one who honored the code. I never shit on you but you, you got no loyalty. There isn’t a single person in this goddamn world you won’t shit on.”
Logan shook his head. “I’m sorry man, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking and I was drinking. All I wanted to do was get Veronica out of my head for a little while.”
“I was a substitute for Veronica Mars?” Madison shrieked in outrage. “You only slept with me to forget her?”
Logan looked her directly in the eyes. “No,” he said flatly. “You’ll never be good enough to make me forget Veronica.”
Madison’s mouth dropped open but no words emerged. She shut her mouth with an audible snap and rushed out of the penthouse, slamming the door behind her.
Logan bent down to put the box on the floor, revealing Veronica standing statue still behind him. Dick looked at Veronica and smiled bitterly.
“Maybe you were right, Mars,” Dick snarled. “Dumping his ass is probably the only smart thing you’ve ever done.”
“Leave her out of this,” Logan warned, stepping further back into his room, standing between Veronica and Dick.
“Why?” Dick sneered. “You never do. All I ever hear is your emo whining. All because of her.” Dick looked at Veronica again and his eyes darkened with spite. “And after all the time and beer I wasted last week just to get you out to the beach for some surfing with Chip.”
Logan just stared at his enraged roommate, knowing what was coming next.
“At least you got out, huh?” Dick reminded him. “A least you had a little fun when that surfer chick sucked you off.”
A soft, almost inaudible, gasp came from behind Logan. But Dick’s furious voice muffled it.
“How long after that was it before Veronica reclaimed your balls? An hour? Hour and a half?” Dick shrugged. “I guess that emo thing is really working for you, Logan. Maybe I outta try it.”
Dick paused for breath. Logan’s face’s was flushed red with misery. Veronica was still quiet, her face white, her lips colorless.
“Hey, I got an idea,” Dick suggested. “How about I just fuck Veronica? My whore for yours? Would ‘I’m sorry’ fix that?”
Veronica gasped in horror and Logan stepped forward.
“For the last time, shut up, Dick,” Logan ordered.
“Truth hurt, Logan?” Dick mocked. “Enjoy being alone, fuckwad! It's what you do best.”
Logan pushed forward aggressively. But Dick was ready for him. The blond leaned into a sharp right hook that caught Logan under the chin. Logan staggered back and Dick followed up with a right cross that slashed across Logan’s cheek. The blow sent Logan stumbling and he fell to the carpeted floor.
“Dick, stop!” Veronica cried, as she reached down for Logan.
Dick shook his head in disgust. “Don’t bother. He’s not fucking worth it,” he advised. “He’ll never be worth it.”
Dick gave Logan a last sneer before he turned and left the penthouse, slamming the door behind him. Veronica stared at the door until Logan touched his jaw, distracting her.
“Are you okay?” she asked as Logan hefted himself to his feet.
“Sure,” he muttered. “This has been the best day of my life.”
She pressed her hands together and looked down at the carpet. “Don’t worry about Dick,” she advised softly. “He’s just upset right now. He’ll get over it.” She looked up and gave Logan a wobbly smile. “He’s not what you’d call a complicated guy.”
Logan just stared at her. She shrugged helplessly.
“It’s just the shock of first hearing about it,” she explained. “Once he gets past that, he’ll be fine.” She tried a small laugh that sounded false to her own ears. “But I think you’re going to have to let him beat you for a while at those videos games you’re both so into.”
“What about you, Veronica?” Logan asked quietly. “Are you past the shock? Are you getting over it?”
She swallowed visibly. Then she nodded. Logan sucked in his breath.
“What does that mean?” he asked softly.
“It means that I’m going to be a mature adult about this.” She explained. “We weren’t together. You didn’t owe me any loyalty. You were free to be with anyone you wanted.” She shrugged. “And you have a history of making bad choices when it comes to grudge fucks.”
“Veronica, you know I never meant to hurt you,” he reminded her. “I’m sorry I did it. If I could take it back, I swear to you, I would.”
“But we can’t go back, Logan,” she pointed out. “We can only go forward.”
She reached into her messenger bag and pulled out her wallet. Flipping it open, she extracted a slim white card. She held it out to Logan with a visibly shaking hand. Logan stared at it, making no move to take the room key from her.
“I didn’t give this back to you when we broke up in December,” she said sadly. “I thought we just needed a little time apart. I called you a couple of times and I came by. Nobody answered but I didn’t use the key. It didn’t feel right.” She ducked her head but not before he saw the sparkle of tears in her eyes.
Logan made a distressed sound but choked it off when Veronica shook her head. Realizing he wasn’t going to take the key, she let the card drop onto his bedspread. She put her wallet back into her bag and took out her keychain. Fumbling with the clasp that was suddenly too tricky to master, she tried to get his car keys off her key ring.
“Veronica,” he began helplessly.
“Here.” She thrust the ring towards him. “I can’t work this. Can you take off your key?”
“Veronica, we can get past this,” he pleaded. “This is killing me and I know it’s killing you. We just have to try harder.”
When he didn’t take the ring, she put the keys back in her bag. “Fine, I’ll leave your car key at the front desk.”
“Veronica, are you listening to me?” Logan demanded. “I’m sorry.”
She turned on him. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she insisted. “I’m the one who made the mistakes. I’m the one who needs to apologize.”
He blinked in surprise. “What?”
“I was wrong to have come back to you,” she explained. “I hadn’t changed but I came back anyway. We weren’t any different but I pushed you because I was weak and I was hurting. You were mature and you did the right thing. But I was too selfish to let you go.”
“You don’t have to let me go,” Logan pointed out. “We can move forward from here.”
“We can’t, Logan,” she disagreed sadly. “I’m not ready to change who I am. And it’s wrong of me to expect you to change when I don’t want to change myself.”
A strange muffled whining came from the living area. Veronica turned and rushed back to the coffee table.
“Oh, I almost forgot!” she exclaimed. “Diaka!”
Logan followed her. “You brought me vodka?” he questioned.
“It’s your Christmas present. I tried to bring it over before but you were never here.” She opened the box and looked sadly at the contents. “I guess you were already in Aspen, huh?”
He swallowed hard before he recovered his voice. “I don’t need any more alcohol,” Logan choked out. “It doesn’t do a whole lot of good for me.”
Veronica reached into the box with both hands. “I think this vodka might be good for you.”
She turned to him and held out a fluffy wheat-colored puppy. Logan stared at the sleepy-eyed, wriggling bundle in bewildered amazement.
“I…I can’t have a dog,” he sputtered.
“Yes, you can,” Veronica contradicted. “I checked with your friend Tina.” There was only a subtle, bitter emphasis on the word ‘friend’. “She says that as long as Diaka’s quiet, doesn’t attack anyone and you clean up after her, the management will let her live here.”
Veronica stepped closer. The puppy had huge, chocolate brown eyes nearly hidden under masses of wheat and chocolate colored fur. The puppy stopped wiggling and stared directly at Logan. Suddenly she lunged and Logan reached out, almost instinctively, to catch the little fur ball as she scrambled out of Veronica’s arms. Diaka licked Logan’s face and wriggled frantically, as though she couldn’t get close enough to him.
“Hold her tighter,” Veronica instructed. “She’ll calm down if you hold her tightly. She’s just happy to be with you.”
“She doesn’t even know me,” Logan pointed out. But he held the puppy firmly and Diaka calmed instantly. She buried her muzzle into Logan’s neck and quivered with happiness. Logan stared down at the pup in awe. “Why did she do that?”
“She’s known your scent for two months now,” Veronica reached back into the vodka box and pulled out one of Logan’s beach towels. “She’s a Soft Coated Wheaton terrier. They love to play, they love to cuddle and they don’t bark much.” She gave him a wobbly smile. “And she loves fussing with her hair as much as you do.”
“What am I going to do with a puppy?” Logan asked.
“Love her,” Veronica answered simply. “And, in return, she’ll love you. Unconditionally.” She met Logan’s eyes. “You deserve that, Logan.”
Logan opened his mouth but was unable to say anything. Diaka climbed higher on his shoulder and licked at his ear. Logan fondled the puppy’s head and Diaka keened with joy. Veronica shifted her gaze to the deliriously happy pup.
“She’s house broken,” Veronica explained. “But she’s used to having someone to cuddle up to all the time, so she’ll probably need to sleep with you.” She tried to smile again. “There you go. A bitch you can sleep with that won’t upset anyone.”
She paused for a moment but Logan didn’t even crack a smile. He brought the puppy down to his chest and held her like a baby. Diaka snuggled in happily.
“I named her Diaka because she's the most precious thing I've ever seen come out of a vodka box but…but you can change it if you want.” Veronica looked down at the box. “I wrote up some instructions for you. Her medical history is in the file, too. And some toys,” she rambled on. “She’s really fond of the squeeze toy. And speaking of fond…” She bit her lower lip. “Backup’s going to have trouble with the separation. We may have to arrange some play dates at first.” Veronica’s voice broke and she stopped speaking.
“There doesn’t have to be a separation,” Logan pointed out and stepped closer.
Veronica stepped back. “Look at her, Logan.” She nodded to the puppy cradled in his arms. “She doesn’t want to leave you.”
“Do you want to leave me?” Logan asked bluntly.
“No,” she admitted. “But I can’t love you the way she does. She’s never going to expect you to change. She’s never going to treat you like a disappointment or want things from you that you can’t give her.”
Logan looked down and stroked the puppy. Diaka whined and looked up at him in absolute adoration. He was quiet for a moment, as though basking in the unfamiliar sensation. He didn’t look up until Veronica began to slide closer to the door.
“Before, you said that you made me feel like a disappointment and I made you feel something, too,” he reminded her. “What was it? What did I make you feel?’
Veronica bit her lower lip and looked at the hallway door longingly. Logan moved to stand between her and the exit, Diaka held firmly in his arms.
“Come on, Veronica, you’re not going to wimp out on me now, are you?” he demanded, bitterness creeping into his voice. “I’ve already lost you. What you say now can’t make anything worse, can it?”
She chewed on her lower lip for a moment before finally whispering, “Inadequate.”
“What was that?” He leaned closer.
She stepped back. “Inadequate,” she repeated firmly. “I made you feel like a disappointment and you made me feel inadequate.”
He froze. “In what way?”
She shrugged. “I always felt like I was behind you, always playing catch-up. You were always teaching me. Surfing, video games, sex. It always felt like I could never get to your level because anytime I got any experience you got more. Maybe that’s why I belittled you, because I was feeling so insecure myself.”
“I never meant to make you feel that way,” he insisted.
“You didn’t,” she agreed. “I did. I brought it on myself.”
He stepped closer to her again. This time she didn’t step away.
“So where does that leave us now?” he asked. His voice was low and soft, as though he was afraid to spook her.
Tears filled her eyes again. “Saying goodbye,” she responded.
“Veronica.” He reached for her.
This time she did step back. She turned around and retrieved the coffee box. Tears streamed unchecked down her cheeks but she resolutely moved to the door. Logan got there before her and leaned against the polished wood.
“Veronica,” he tried again, his own eyes watery and over-bright.
She looked at him sadly over the top of the box. “Do you really want to be like your mother, Logan?”
He recoiled. “What?”
“Your mother loved a man who was never happy with her, who made her feel like less until she finally disappeared. She didn’t deserve that anymore than my dad deserved a woman who couldn’t let go of the past.” The tears were still falling but her chin lifted stubbornly. “We’re not our parents. We know that just because you love a person doesn’t make them good for you.”
“We’re not our parents,” he agreed. “We can change. We can become what each other needs.”
She closed her eyes, briefly stemming the flow of tears. “Please, Logan,” she whispered. “Please let me be as mature about this as you’ve been.” She opened her eyes. “Please let me go.”
His mouth dropped open and he stared at her wordlessly. But he moved aside when she shifted the box and reached for the doorknob. He remained silent as he watched her walk slowly down the hallway, Diaka wiggling in his arms.
Veronica kept her back to him as she waited for the elevator but he could see her shoulders shaking and heard her muffled sobs. He swiped angrily at his own tears, determined that he would see her leaving him with clear vision.
Finally the elevator arrived and she stepped in. She turned to face the doors and met his gaze. She smiled sadly, her wet cheeks shining in the overhead light.
“I love you, Veronica,” he called out helplessly.
She nodded and bit her lower lip. “I love you too, Logan.”
The words he had waited for, longed for, for the last two years, finally came out of those sweet pink lips. They were too beautiful, too poignant and too bittersweet.
And too late.
The elevator doors shut with a soft ping.
Author: skk670
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,640
Characters: Veronica, Logan, Dick and Madison
Spoilers: - Up to 3.11 - Poughkeepsie, Tramps & Thieves
Summary: Veronica tries to do the mature thing
Author's Note: Much thanks to the lovey fickledame for the super-fast beta.
The knocking on the penthouse door was soft but steady.
Dick waited for a moment but Logan remained seated, a throw pillow clutched in his lap, staring off into space. He didn’t react to the knocking or to Dick’s obvious annoyance.
“I’ll get it,” Dick offered.
He scrambled off the sofa and threw a disgusted look back at his roommate. Dick yanked open the door and sneered at the tiny blond in the hallway. Veronica had two large boxes stacked in her arms and craned her neck to see over the top of the stack. Dick shifted so that his body filled the small opening, blocking Logan from her view.
“What do you want?” Dick demanded, crossing his arms militantly.
She ducked her chin so that her face was mostly hidden behind the top box. “I have some things that are Logan’s,” Veronica explained. She spoke quietly but with determination. She shifted the boxes around and resettled them in her arms.
Dick leaned against the door, as though expecting her to suddenly charge him. “Just drop ‘em and leave,” he ordered.
Veronica’s nose shot up and her eyes narrowed. “Ahh, yes, Dick Casablancas’ relationship philosophy.”
Dick’s sneer turned ugly. “It’s now Logan Echolls’ relationship philosophy, too. So why don’t you just fuck off and evaporate, or something.”
“Shut up, Dick.”
Veronica bristled but it was Logan who spoke. Suddenly, he was at the door, pushing his friend aside. Logan opened the door fully and took the boxes from Veronica’s arms.
“Come in,” he offered, stepping aside for her.
Veronica looked past him at Dick. Logan also turned to look.
“Dick, I need to talk to Veronica alone,” Logan said quietly.
Dick sighed. “Don’t let her do this to you, man,” he urged. “All she does is fuck with your head. You don’t need that shit. You need a girl you can fuck with your head.”
“Dick…” Logan spoke warningly.
“She’s just pussy,” Dick continued. “You can get that anywhere. Hell, just walk into the lobby. Half the girls here drop to their knees when you ask ‘em.”
Veronica drew her breath in on a sharp hiss. Logan stepped between Dick and Veronica and turned to face his best friend.
“Don’t start,” Logan ordered in a dangerous tone.
The two stared at each for a charged moment then Dick curled his lip in derision.
“Fine,” Dick agreed. “But don’t expect me to pick up the pieces again. You keep letting her yank you around by the balls, then you’re gonna have to accept that they’re gone when she’s gone.”
Dick stalked across the large living area and into his bedroom. He slammed the door behind him for good measure. Logan stared at the closed door for a moment then drew a deep breath. He turned back to look at Veronica.
She was still standing out in the hallway, just beyond the penthouse door. She had her messenger bag clutched tightly in both hands and was looking down at the floor. Her body was quivering visibly and he could feel her desire to bolt.
But Veronica surprised him. She took a calming breath then squarely met his gaze. She gestured to the boxes he held.
“Those are for you,” she explained. “Some things you left at my apartment and your…” she faltered for a second, then spoke again, “…your Christmas present is there, too.”
He stared down at the boxes. He could see a soft green cashmere sweater poking out of the gap where the unsealed cardboard flaps didn’t meet. He put the boxes down on the coffee table, very gently, as though they contained priceless treasures.
But it wasn’t treasure. It was the ashes of a fucked-up relationship.
Veronica crossed the room and reached for the top box. Logan noticed absently that it was a bulk box for Veronica’s favorite coffee. He smiled reluctantly. He could picture the diminutive blond drinking her weight in Columbian dark roast. His brief smile died when he saw the other box was a bulk case for vodka. Yeah, he had drunk what felt like his body weight of the potent spirit.
And, still, he couldn’t forget.
Vodka numbed the pain but it never made it go away. Nothing ever made it go away. But he never stopped trying.
He reached for the coffee box. “You don’t have to carry that,” he protested. “I can empty it later.”
She met his gaze briefly and allowed him to take the box from her. “Actually, I was going to use that box to pack my stuff. I left a few things here.”
“Oh.” He looked down at the cardboard and nodded briefly. “Okay, then let’s do this.”
He led her into his bedroom and unceremoniously dumped the contents of the box over his bed. A cascade of sweaters and jackets - Veronica was always forgetting to take a sweater with her on cool nights - DVDs, paperbacks and board shorts tumbled onto the silk coverlet. He righted the box and held it out for her.
“I’ll only be a minute,” she promised.
He nodded silently, pressing his lips together to keep back the words that were fighting to be said. He locked his jaw as she set the box down in front of the dresser and quickly, efficiently, transferred her possessions into the box.
A muscle twitched in his tightly clenched jaw as she shoved a lacy pink bra into the box. The lace caught on the corner and she yanked viciously. The tearing was audible as the delicate material separated from the garment and stuck stubbornly to the side. Veronica stared at the lace strip for a few seconds, as though lost in a memory. Then she released her breath on what sounded suspiciously like a sob.
Logan’s control crumbled.
“Veronica, stop,” he pleaded brokenly. “We don’t have to do this.”
She breathed rapidly through her open mouth and her little hands clenched into fists. Tears swam in her eyes but she blinked them back. Veronica got up and crossed to the bathroom. Logan remained where he was but pivoted to follow her with his gaze.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he continued. “I never, ever meant to cause you pain.”
He watched her gather her toiletries and cross back to the box. She dumped them haphazardly and picked up the case. He moved to her side and took the carton from her arms.
“This doesn’t have to be the end,” he tried again. “We can get past this. Don’t tell me this isn’t killing you like it’s killing me.”
She shook her head and bit into her lower lip. “No, Logan,” she denied, her voice quivering only the smallest amount. “I won’t do this with you again. I won’t do this to you again.”
“What does that mean?” he demanded.
She blinked rapidly, her eyes brilliant with unshed tears. “You were right. You did the mature thing and tried to move on. I’m the one who can’t let go of the past. It was wrong of me to come back and expect everything to be the way it was before.” She sniffed back tears. “Especially since the way things were weren’t all that great.”
‘No, you were right,” he insisted. “When two people love each other, they keep trying. They don’t throw away what they have. They work through their problems.”
She shook her head again. “Our problems are bigger than we are, Logan.” Her voice broke when she said his name. “You saw that and I didn’t. I made you feel like you were a disappointment and you made me feel…” She stopped.
“What?” he asked urgently. “What did I make you feel?”
Veronica looked down.
“Tell me,” he insisted. “What did I make you feel?”
She was saved from replying when knocking on the front door distracted them. Veronica turned to walk back to the living area but Logan blocked her way.
“No, don’t leave,” he urged. “Finish what you were saying.”
The knocking came again, louder and more demanding this time. Dick’s bedroom door opened and the blond sauntered out. He glanced over at Logan’s open door and smiled maliciously.
“Mars giving you her goodbye special?” Dick smirked as he crossed to the door. “I heard that’s her trademark.”
Logan face reddened with rage as he turned to face his roommate, deliberately hiding Veronica from his view. “Shut up, Dick,” he ordered.
Dick’s smirk only grew wider as he opened the door. “Well, well, well,” he called out cheerfully. “Look who’s here to take another ride on the love machine,” he crooned, gyrating his hips in a lewd gesture.
“A woman would have to use a machine if her only option was you,” Madison responded coolly.
Veronica froze up as though her blood had turned to ice. The color drained from Logan’s face, leaving him pale under his ski-and-surf tan.
“Preferably one double your size or…” Madison faded off suggestively as her gaze landed on Logan. Her lips curled into smug smile. “Hi, Logan,” she purred.
Logan just stared at her.
Dick slipped his arm around Madison’s slim shoulders. “My room is this way,” he explained, indicating with a tilt of his head.
Madison shrugged off his arm. “Please,” she sniffed disdainfully. “If I had to choose between you and nothing…” She paused to consider. “Well, that’d be the same thing. A complete waste of my time. Go away, Dick.”
Dick scowled. “Then why are you here?”
“I lost my favorite earring,” Madison explained. “I wanted to ask Logan if maybe it fell off when I was here the other day.”
Dick’s brows furrowed in confusion. “When were you here?” He looked up at Logan. “Hey man, you didn’t tell me she came by.”
“I forgot,” Logan responded flatly. “It wasn’t worth remembering.”
Madison’s eyes narrowed in annoyance then her gaze settled on the box in Logan’s arms. “Ugh,” she wrinkled her nose prettily. “Is that some of Veronica Mars bargain basement lingerie? You should leave it out for the maids,” she advised. “I sure her kind thinks that it’s high class.” She shrugged dismissively. “And for them it is.”
Dick’s gaze also turned to the torn pink lace. “Not bad,” Dick decided. “Are there panties to match?”
“None of your fucking business, Dick,” Logan responded through clenched teeth.
“Oh, please,” Madison shuddered in disgust. “I saw her the other day at Cacique. She was shopping from the clearance rack.”
Dick shrugged. “So? It all looks the same when shredded on floor. Right, Logan?”
Dick grinned and looked to Logan for confirmation. But Logan stood as still at a statue, his expression carefully blank. Dick looked confused for an instant but his face cleared almost immediately. He turned back to Madison.
“How about you come into my room and look for your earring?” he suggested, giving Madison a slow smile.
Madison shot Logan an irritated glance then smiled maliciously. “Maybe I should look in Logan’s bedroom,” she suggested. “It might still be in his pillows.”
Dick’s expression was slack with shock. He blinked rapidly as he turned to Logan. Logan looked down, unable to look his best friend in the eyes. Dick looked back from Logan’s hung head to Madison’s spiteful smile. He turned back to Logan.
“Is that true?” Dick asked.
“It wasn’t like that.” Logan tightened his grip on the box and looked up. “I was drinking too much and I had just broken up with Veronica and...” he trailed off helplessly.
“You fucking asshole,” Dick whispered, splotches of red discoloring his face.
“Now, boys,” Madison simpered. “Don’t start fighting over me.”
Dick whirled to glare at her. “This has nothing to do with you,” he snarled. “It’s about the code. It’s about who he’s supposed to be loyal to. You don’t shit on the code and you don’t shit on your friends.”
Logan stepped forward. “She was just there,” he tried to explain. “It meant nothing, less than nothing. I regretted it the second it happened.”
“What?” Madison cried indignantly.
Dick ignored her. “Who always had your back, Logan?” he demanded. “Who stood aside when you were off banging my stepmother?”
“Stepmother?” Madison gasped.
Dick continued to ignore her. “Who the fuck picked up the pieces every time Veronica Mars ripped off your balls and shoved them down your throat?” he continued.
Logan swallowed.
“Who’s the one person who’s always stood beside you?” Dick was so angry he was nearly frothing at the mouth. “Me, that’s who. I’m the only person who didn’t dive off a bridge or fuck your girlfriend and then beat her to death or run off on you with his bastard brat. Me.”
Dick stalked over to Logan until they were nose to nose.
“Me,” Dick repeated. “I’m the only one who honored the code. I never shit on you but you, you got no loyalty. There isn’t a single person in this goddamn world you won’t shit on.”
Logan shook his head. “I’m sorry man, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking and I was drinking. All I wanted to do was get Veronica out of my head for a little while.”
“I was a substitute for Veronica Mars?” Madison shrieked in outrage. “You only slept with me to forget her?”
Logan looked her directly in the eyes. “No,” he said flatly. “You’ll never be good enough to make me forget Veronica.”
Madison’s mouth dropped open but no words emerged. She shut her mouth with an audible snap and rushed out of the penthouse, slamming the door behind her.
Logan bent down to put the box on the floor, revealing Veronica standing statue still behind him. Dick looked at Veronica and smiled bitterly.
“Maybe you were right, Mars,” Dick snarled. “Dumping his ass is probably the only smart thing you’ve ever done.”
“Leave her out of this,” Logan warned, stepping further back into his room, standing between Veronica and Dick.
“Why?” Dick sneered. “You never do. All I ever hear is your emo whining. All because of her.” Dick looked at Veronica again and his eyes darkened with spite. “And after all the time and beer I wasted last week just to get you out to the beach for some surfing with Chip.”
Logan just stared at his enraged roommate, knowing what was coming next.
“At least you got out, huh?” Dick reminded him. “A least you had a little fun when that surfer chick sucked you off.”
A soft, almost inaudible, gasp came from behind Logan. But Dick’s furious voice muffled it.
“How long after that was it before Veronica reclaimed your balls? An hour? Hour and a half?” Dick shrugged. “I guess that emo thing is really working for you, Logan. Maybe I outta try it.”
Dick paused for breath. Logan’s face’s was flushed red with misery. Veronica was still quiet, her face white, her lips colorless.
“Hey, I got an idea,” Dick suggested. “How about I just fuck Veronica? My whore for yours? Would ‘I’m sorry’ fix that?”
Veronica gasped in horror and Logan stepped forward.
“For the last time, shut up, Dick,” Logan ordered.
“Truth hurt, Logan?” Dick mocked. “Enjoy being alone, fuckwad! It's what you do best.”
Logan pushed forward aggressively. But Dick was ready for him. The blond leaned into a sharp right hook that caught Logan under the chin. Logan staggered back and Dick followed up with a right cross that slashed across Logan’s cheek. The blow sent Logan stumbling and he fell to the carpeted floor.
“Dick, stop!” Veronica cried, as she reached down for Logan.
Dick shook his head in disgust. “Don’t bother. He’s not fucking worth it,” he advised. “He’ll never be worth it.”
Dick gave Logan a last sneer before he turned and left the penthouse, slamming the door behind him. Veronica stared at the door until Logan touched his jaw, distracting her.
“Are you okay?” she asked as Logan hefted himself to his feet.
“Sure,” he muttered. “This has been the best day of my life.”
She pressed her hands together and looked down at the carpet. “Don’t worry about Dick,” she advised softly. “He’s just upset right now. He’ll get over it.” She looked up and gave Logan a wobbly smile. “He’s not what you’d call a complicated guy.”
Logan just stared at her. She shrugged helplessly.
“It’s just the shock of first hearing about it,” she explained. “Once he gets past that, he’ll be fine.” She tried a small laugh that sounded false to her own ears. “But I think you’re going to have to let him beat you for a while at those videos games you’re both so into.”
“What about you, Veronica?” Logan asked quietly. “Are you past the shock? Are you getting over it?”
She swallowed visibly. Then she nodded. Logan sucked in his breath.
“What does that mean?” he asked softly.
“It means that I’m going to be a mature adult about this.” She explained. “We weren’t together. You didn’t owe me any loyalty. You were free to be with anyone you wanted.” She shrugged. “And you have a history of making bad choices when it comes to grudge fucks.”
“Veronica, you know I never meant to hurt you,” he reminded her. “I’m sorry I did it. If I could take it back, I swear to you, I would.”
“But we can’t go back, Logan,” she pointed out. “We can only go forward.”
She reached into her messenger bag and pulled out her wallet. Flipping it open, she extracted a slim white card. She held it out to Logan with a visibly shaking hand. Logan stared at it, making no move to take the room key from her.
“I didn’t give this back to you when we broke up in December,” she said sadly. “I thought we just needed a little time apart. I called you a couple of times and I came by. Nobody answered but I didn’t use the key. It didn’t feel right.” She ducked her head but not before he saw the sparkle of tears in her eyes.
Logan made a distressed sound but choked it off when Veronica shook her head. Realizing he wasn’t going to take the key, she let the card drop onto his bedspread. She put her wallet back into her bag and took out her keychain. Fumbling with the clasp that was suddenly too tricky to master, she tried to get his car keys off her key ring.
“Veronica,” he began helplessly.
“Here.” She thrust the ring towards him. “I can’t work this. Can you take off your key?”
“Veronica, we can get past this,” he pleaded. “This is killing me and I know it’s killing you. We just have to try harder.”
When he didn’t take the ring, she put the keys back in her bag. “Fine, I’ll leave your car key at the front desk.”
“Veronica, are you listening to me?” Logan demanded. “I’m sorry.”
She turned on him. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she insisted. “I’m the one who made the mistakes. I’m the one who needs to apologize.”
He blinked in surprise. “What?”
“I was wrong to have come back to you,” she explained. “I hadn’t changed but I came back anyway. We weren’t any different but I pushed you because I was weak and I was hurting. You were mature and you did the right thing. But I was too selfish to let you go.”
“You don’t have to let me go,” Logan pointed out. “We can move forward from here.”
“We can’t, Logan,” she disagreed sadly. “I’m not ready to change who I am. And it’s wrong of me to expect you to change when I don’t want to change myself.”
A strange muffled whining came from the living area. Veronica turned and rushed back to the coffee table.
“Oh, I almost forgot!” she exclaimed. “Diaka!”
Logan followed her. “You brought me vodka?” he questioned.
“It’s your Christmas present. I tried to bring it over before but you were never here.” She opened the box and looked sadly at the contents. “I guess you were already in Aspen, huh?”
He swallowed hard before he recovered his voice. “I don’t need any more alcohol,” Logan choked out. “It doesn’t do a whole lot of good for me.”
Veronica reached into the box with both hands. “I think this vodka might be good for you.”
She turned to him and held out a fluffy wheat-colored puppy. Logan stared at the sleepy-eyed, wriggling bundle in bewildered amazement.
“I…I can’t have a dog,” he sputtered.
“Yes, you can,” Veronica contradicted. “I checked with your friend Tina.” There was only a subtle, bitter emphasis on the word ‘friend’. “She says that as long as Diaka’s quiet, doesn’t attack anyone and you clean up after her, the management will let her live here.”
Veronica stepped closer. The puppy had huge, chocolate brown eyes nearly hidden under masses of wheat and chocolate colored fur. The puppy stopped wiggling and stared directly at Logan. Suddenly she lunged and Logan reached out, almost instinctively, to catch the little fur ball as she scrambled out of Veronica’s arms. Diaka licked Logan’s face and wriggled frantically, as though she couldn’t get close enough to him.
“Hold her tighter,” Veronica instructed. “She’ll calm down if you hold her tightly. She’s just happy to be with you.”
“She doesn’t even know me,” Logan pointed out. But he held the puppy firmly and Diaka calmed instantly. She buried her muzzle into Logan’s neck and quivered with happiness. Logan stared down at the pup in awe. “Why did she do that?”
“She’s known your scent for two months now,” Veronica reached back into the vodka box and pulled out one of Logan’s beach towels. “She’s a Soft Coated Wheaton terrier. They love to play, they love to cuddle and they don’t bark much.” She gave him a wobbly smile. “And she loves fussing with her hair as much as you do.”
“What am I going to do with a puppy?” Logan asked.
“Love her,” Veronica answered simply. “And, in return, she’ll love you. Unconditionally.” She met Logan’s eyes. “You deserve that, Logan.”
Logan opened his mouth but was unable to say anything. Diaka climbed higher on his shoulder and licked at his ear. Logan fondled the puppy’s head and Diaka keened with joy. Veronica shifted her gaze to the deliriously happy pup.
“She’s house broken,” Veronica explained. “But she’s used to having someone to cuddle up to all the time, so she’ll probably need to sleep with you.” She tried to smile again. “There you go. A bitch you can sleep with that won’t upset anyone.”
She paused for a moment but Logan didn’t even crack a smile. He brought the puppy down to his chest and held her like a baby. Diaka snuggled in happily.
“I named her Diaka because she's the most precious thing I've ever seen come out of a vodka box but…but you can change it if you want.” Veronica looked down at the box. “I wrote up some instructions for you. Her medical history is in the file, too. And some toys,” she rambled on. “She’s really fond of the squeeze toy. And speaking of fond…” She bit her lower lip. “Backup’s going to have trouble with the separation. We may have to arrange some play dates at first.” Veronica’s voice broke and she stopped speaking.
“There doesn’t have to be a separation,” Logan pointed out and stepped closer.
Veronica stepped back. “Look at her, Logan.” She nodded to the puppy cradled in his arms. “She doesn’t want to leave you.”
“Do you want to leave me?” Logan asked bluntly.
“No,” she admitted. “But I can’t love you the way she does. She’s never going to expect you to change. She’s never going to treat you like a disappointment or want things from you that you can’t give her.”
Logan looked down and stroked the puppy. Diaka whined and looked up at him in absolute adoration. He was quiet for a moment, as though basking in the unfamiliar sensation. He didn’t look up until Veronica began to slide closer to the door.
“Before, you said that you made me feel like a disappointment and I made you feel something, too,” he reminded her. “What was it? What did I make you feel?’
Veronica bit her lower lip and looked at the hallway door longingly. Logan moved to stand between her and the exit, Diaka held firmly in his arms.
“Come on, Veronica, you’re not going to wimp out on me now, are you?” he demanded, bitterness creeping into his voice. “I’ve already lost you. What you say now can’t make anything worse, can it?”
She chewed on her lower lip for a moment before finally whispering, “Inadequate.”
“What was that?” He leaned closer.
She stepped back. “Inadequate,” she repeated firmly. “I made you feel like a disappointment and you made me feel inadequate.”
He froze. “In what way?”
She shrugged. “I always felt like I was behind you, always playing catch-up. You were always teaching me. Surfing, video games, sex. It always felt like I could never get to your level because anytime I got any experience you got more. Maybe that’s why I belittled you, because I was feeling so insecure myself.”
“I never meant to make you feel that way,” he insisted.
“You didn’t,” she agreed. “I did. I brought it on myself.”
He stepped closer to her again. This time she didn’t step away.
“So where does that leave us now?” he asked. His voice was low and soft, as though he was afraid to spook her.
Tears filled her eyes again. “Saying goodbye,” she responded.
“Veronica.” He reached for her.
This time she did step back. She turned around and retrieved the coffee box. Tears streamed unchecked down her cheeks but she resolutely moved to the door. Logan got there before her and leaned against the polished wood.
“Veronica,” he tried again, his own eyes watery and over-bright.
She looked at him sadly over the top of the box. “Do you really want to be like your mother, Logan?”
He recoiled. “What?”
“Your mother loved a man who was never happy with her, who made her feel like less until she finally disappeared. She didn’t deserve that anymore than my dad deserved a woman who couldn’t let go of the past.” The tears were still falling but her chin lifted stubbornly. “We’re not our parents. We know that just because you love a person doesn’t make them good for you.”
“We’re not our parents,” he agreed. “We can change. We can become what each other needs.”
She closed her eyes, briefly stemming the flow of tears. “Please, Logan,” she whispered. “Please let me be as mature about this as you’ve been.” She opened her eyes. “Please let me go.”
His mouth dropped open and he stared at her wordlessly. But he moved aside when she shifted the box and reached for the doorknob. He remained silent as he watched her walk slowly down the hallway, Diaka wiggling in his arms.
Veronica kept her back to him as she waited for the elevator but he could see her shoulders shaking and heard her muffled sobs. He swiped angrily at his own tears, determined that he would see her leaving him with clear vision.
Finally the elevator arrived and she stepped in. She turned to face the doors and met his gaze. She smiled sadly, her wet cheeks shining in the overhead light.
“I love you, Veronica,” he called out helplessly.
She nodded and bit her lower lip. “I love you too, Logan.”
The words he had waited for, longed for, for the last two years, finally came out of those sweet pink lips. They were too beautiful, too poignant and too bittersweet.
And too late.
The elevator doors shut with a soft ping.