The DADA Interviews
Warning: Spoilers for Order of the Phoenix, the Buffy the Vampire
Slayer season finale, and much much more. Disclaimer at the end.
The DADA Interviews
By Scott K. Jamison et al
Outside the window, a witch had set her broomstick alight, and
was spelling something with the smoke. Dumbledore adjusted his
spectacles for long range. Ah. It said: "SNAPE FOR DADA
PROFESSOR." Dumbledore smiled sadly. Severus tried so hard to
discourage female students' crushes, but there were always one or two that didn't catch on. Wait, there was more. "SURRENDER DOROTHY." Odd.
Unfortunately, it was not to be, Snape for the Defense Against
the Dark Arts teaching position, that was. Severus, despite his
brilliance, was a horrid teacher. And unlike the last three Potions
instructors, he'd never *accidentally* poisoned a student. Best to
leave him where he was.
But that left the DADA position open, and Dumbledore was scarcely willing to let the Ministry appoint someone again. And since normal candidates for the job had run a bit thin, Dumbledore
had sent out a more...general invitation. The response had been a
bit overwhelming, so today was initial interviews, to winnow out the
best candidates.
Dumbledore just wished he hadn't been celebrating his brother's
birthday when he'd approved the idea of a panel. Sighing, he turned
from the window to look at his fellow panel members, all of whom were trading deadly glares.
To Dumbledore's left was the redoubtable Molly Weasley, representing something called "pee-ta." Evidently it was a Muggle
educational innovation, having parents actually becoming involved
with how the school was run. Dumbledore wasn't sure he liked that
idea.
To his right was Percy Weasley, representing the Ministry of Magic. He evidently still hadn't made up with his mother.
Dumbledore noted that despite the snappy robes, in those horn-rimmed
spectacles, Percy looked the image of his father at that age. He'd
try embarrassing the boy with that later.
And to Percy's right, in even more expensive but tastefully
understated robes, sat the representative of Hogwart's Board of
Governors, Lucius Malfoy. He'd escaped Azkaban by playing the
"Imperius" card, *again*. Dumbledore was astonished the Wizengamot
had fallen for it, but apparently receiving a large bag of gold did
something to your judgement. Lucius grinned back at Dumbledore,
stroking his serpent-headed cane.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I'm sure I don't need to
introduce you to each other," the three traded more venomous glances, "so instead let us get underway. The panel for interviewing DADA candidates is now in session."
~ ~ ~
The first candidate through the large double doors was a young
woman, perhaps in her mid-twenties. She was a touch on the short
side, but was beautiful in a "I can take you *and* your pet demon"
sort of way. Her blonde hair and blue eyes, along with a healthy
tan, gave her an innocent air that belied her experience.
"Miss Buffy Summers?" asked Dumbledore.
"Yes, that's me."
"I see by your resume that you've fought quite a number of Dark
Creatures. Vampires, werewolves, a snake demon, a hellgod, even the
First Evil itself. Very impressive."
She shrugged. "I had help."
Molly turned a page. "It says here that you've had teaching
experience in this field."
Buffy smiled. "Yep. Trained a whole posse of Junior Slayers."
"And then you led them into an extremely dangerous Hellmouth
against an army of ubervampires? Is that wise in a teacher?" asked
Molly.
"Most of them survived," offered Buffy. "It wasn't quite as bad
as it sounds."
"Even though you destroyed the entire city of Sunnyvale--"
"Sunnydale," corrected Buffy.
Percy did not look grateful for the correction. "Sunnydale, in
the process. The Ministry frowns on property destruction."
"You can't save the world without breaking a few eggs." Buffy
blinked. "That didn't come out right."
Lucius muttered something about "Ripper's still alive? God
Below!", then spoke up. "We can't hire her. It's out of the
question."
Buffy put her hands on her hips. "And why not, Mr. Tall, Pale
and Scary?"
"You're a Muggle!" sneered Lucius.
"Am not! Take that back! I have never beaten someone up for
their money in my life!"
"No, Miss Summers," interjected Dumbledore calmly. "He said
that you were a 'Muggle', as in not a witch."
"Oh. Well, no, I'm not, but my friend Willow is."
Percy looked at the file. "That would be the Willow Rosenberg
who tried to destroy the world some time ago?"
Buffy shuffled her feet a bit. "Well, yeah, but she got
better."
"I'm sure the Ministry will be very glad to hear that."
Molly was pulling the hair back from her face, a bad sign.
"Miss Summers, I'm a bit worried about what kind of example you'll
set for the children. According to this, you've had extramarital relations with two vampires?"
"I like older men."
Dumbledore made a checkmark by Buffy's name.
"And you raised your younger sister to be a kleptomaniac?"
continued Molly.
"I was dead for a few months, okay? Dawn just needed to get her
head together."
Lucius rose. "She's still a Muggle."
Dumbledore sighed. "Much as I hate to say it, Lord Malfoy has a
point. Don't call us, dear, we'll call you."
"S'okay," Buffy said, shrugging, "I still have good references
from the Double Meat place."
~ ~ ~
So folks, who wants to add a scene with your favorite DADA candidate?
Or suggest one, if you're not feeling up to writing...
Rincewind, Ged, Raistlin, Alucard, Lina Inverse, lots of "possibles"
out there. Don't worry too much about continuity, as this is
supposed to be silly.
Current Disclaimer: Harry Potter and associated characters created
by J.K. Rowling; The Wizard of Oz and associated characters created
by L. Frank Baum; Buffy the Vampire Slayer and associated characters
created by Joss Whedon.
Comments, anyone?
SKJAM!