the patriarchy hurts everyone
in january i googled spas in new jersey, and sent out a bunch of emails letting them know that i was a massage therapist looking to work one day a week. last week i actually got a phone call. i was told that help was needed on valentine's day with couples massage. i got the impression that this was the owner of a spa that employed several therapists (he kept saying "my therapists" like "i expect my therapists to be punctual" and so forth) that had an excess of appointments on that day and needed help the same way retail stores hire seasonal help.
i was super-stoked, but then i forgot that i am not yet licensed in new jersey and freaked out and called back, but the guy said it wasn't a problem and to come in anyway. which should have been my first red flag but i figured that this would serve as a sort of job interview, and if it went well then i'd just pay the fee for the NJ license.
so i go to hoboken. which luckily is a short and inexpensive train ride. i show up about half an hour early. i locate the street. as i'm walking i pass a spa. but it's not the correct address. so i keep walking and pass another spa. still not the right place. i keep walking and finally come to...an apartment building?
there's a sandwich board sign out front with massage prices listed, so i figure it's the right place. i knock. a guy answers with a paint brush in hand. he directs me to the third floor. i get up there and...it's an apartment. a disheveled apartment. there are half-painted walls and furniture every which where. i'm like o_O. so the guy who called me appears. he's wearing rubber dishwashing gloves that are dripping with soap and water. he apologizes for the mess and says that he expected the room to be done yesterday but it just didn't work out.
i am confused because i thought this was supposed to be a spa. but apparently it's a business run out of this guy's home. okay. fine. that's legit.
so then he shows me the massage room. it's a perfectly acceptable room. except that there's only one table set up. and i'm like where's the other table? he says he is going to set it up later. okay. sure.
so then i ask him how many appointments he has today. he says TWO. two? okay. are there going to be other therapists? no. just me. and him. for two appointments.
so now i start to feel suspicious. if all he needed was one other therapist, for only two appointments, why did he feel the need to call some therapist--unlicensed in his state, no less--that he'd never met? doesn't he have other massage therapist friends?
so then he tells me that after the massages, i would give him a massage. which is not an unusual request if you are planning to hire someone, but the way he worded it was "so i can see what you can do." he used that wording more than once. which i admit is not all that bad by itself but when you take everything else into consideration? i started to hear a beeping in my head...
i'm early, and he's clearly busy, so he tells me i should come back in half an hour and directs me to the coffee shop down the street. so i leave. i'm outside of the apartment. and i think, am i going to be able to get out of that apartment again?
which is not a good thought to have. so i call my friend deni who went to massage school with me, and is also a mother of two little girls. i tell her the situation. she says "if you feel uncomfortable enough to call me, then you're uncomfortable enough to leave." and i know she's right. so i walk several blocks away and call the guy back. i tell him that i'm really sorry to leave him hanging, but i don't feel comfortable in the situation, that i thought it was going to be a different environment with more therapists present, and that as a female therapist i can't be too careful and my safety is always first.
he gets pissed. says he doesn't understand. tries to get me to come back. i refuse. he gets angrier. then the signal gets lost on my phone. which i take as the universe's way of saying "quit wasting your time and just leave." so i leave.
while i'm underground on the train, i get a voice mail from the guy. it's all about how upset he is, and he says that he will make sure that i never work in the NJ/NY area ever again. because he knows people.
now i am positive i made the right decision.
i actually went on to have an incredibly pleasant valentine's day, with lunch with a dear friend and a long walk in central park with another, but i'm still bothered. not by his threat of making sure i never work in this town again, because that's just absurd, but by his complete inability to recognize that he was creating a dangerous situation. if he really was legit, and he really wasn't planning on harming me, how fucking stupid is he to expect a woman he just met to be totally okay with being alone with him in his space? i don't know him. i don't know how safe he is. all i know is that i am a woman with very little upper body strength and he is a large man who is trying to convince me to come into his apartment with no one else around but another large man. yeah, right. i hope he does call a female therapist to try to make me look bad and she bitches him out for not being sensitive to the safety concerns of women. male therapists in particular need to be hyper-aware of making women feel uncomfortable and of power dynamics.
what makes it worse is that he tried to make me feel bad for protecting myself. for taking control of the situation. and i almost did feel bad. but i don't. i don't have to apologize to some fucking asshole for trusting my instincts. i don't have to apologize for putting my safety above his poor little feelings. i don't have to apologize for inconveniencing someone who put me in a very inconvenient position.
i'm so glad i left. i'm mad at myself for entering the apartment the first time. i might have saved my own life, and i wish i lived in a world where i didn't have to think that.
i am also pissed that i cut my nails for nothing.
i was super-stoked, but then i forgot that i am not yet licensed in new jersey and freaked out and called back, but the guy said it wasn't a problem and to come in anyway. which should have been my first red flag but i figured that this would serve as a sort of job interview, and if it went well then i'd just pay the fee for the NJ license.
so i go to hoboken. which luckily is a short and inexpensive train ride. i show up about half an hour early. i locate the street. as i'm walking i pass a spa. but it's not the correct address. so i keep walking and pass another spa. still not the right place. i keep walking and finally come to...an apartment building?
there's a sandwich board sign out front with massage prices listed, so i figure it's the right place. i knock. a guy answers with a paint brush in hand. he directs me to the third floor. i get up there and...it's an apartment. a disheveled apartment. there are half-painted walls and furniture every which where. i'm like o_O. so the guy who called me appears. he's wearing rubber dishwashing gloves that are dripping with soap and water. he apologizes for the mess and says that he expected the room to be done yesterday but it just didn't work out.
i am confused because i thought this was supposed to be a spa. but apparently it's a business run out of this guy's home. okay. fine. that's legit.
so then he shows me the massage room. it's a perfectly acceptable room. except that there's only one table set up. and i'm like where's the other table? he says he is going to set it up later. okay. sure.
so then i ask him how many appointments he has today. he says TWO. two? okay. are there going to be other therapists? no. just me. and him. for two appointments.
so now i start to feel suspicious. if all he needed was one other therapist, for only two appointments, why did he feel the need to call some therapist--unlicensed in his state, no less--that he'd never met? doesn't he have other massage therapist friends?
so then he tells me that after the massages, i would give him a massage. which is not an unusual request if you are planning to hire someone, but the way he worded it was "so i can see what you can do." he used that wording more than once. which i admit is not all that bad by itself but when you take everything else into consideration? i started to hear a beeping in my head...
i'm early, and he's clearly busy, so he tells me i should come back in half an hour and directs me to the coffee shop down the street. so i leave. i'm outside of the apartment. and i think, am i going to be able to get out of that apartment again?
which is not a good thought to have. so i call my friend deni who went to massage school with me, and is also a mother of two little girls. i tell her the situation. she says "if you feel uncomfortable enough to call me, then you're uncomfortable enough to leave." and i know she's right. so i walk several blocks away and call the guy back. i tell him that i'm really sorry to leave him hanging, but i don't feel comfortable in the situation, that i thought it was going to be a different environment with more therapists present, and that as a female therapist i can't be too careful and my safety is always first.
he gets pissed. says he doesn't understand. tries to get me to come back. i refuse. he gets angrier. then the signal gets lost on my phone. which i take as the universe's way of saying "quit wasting your time and just leave." so i leave.
while i'm underground on the train, i get a voice mail from the guy. it's all about how upset he is, and he says that he will make sure that i never work in the NJ/NY area ever again. because he knows people.
now i am positive i made the right decision.
i actually went on to have an incredibly pleasant valentine's day, with lunch with a dear friend and a long walk in central park with another, but i'm still bothered. not by his threat of making sure i never work in this town again, because that's just absurd, but by his complete inability to recognize that he was creating a dangerous situation. if he really was legit, and he really wasn't planning on harming me, how fucking stupid is he to expect a woman he just met to be totally okay with being alone with him in his space? i don't know him. i don't know how safe he is. all i know is that i am a woman with very little upper body strength and he is a large man who is trying to convince me to come into his apartment with no one else around but another large man. yeah, right. i hope he does call a female therapist to try to make me look bad and she bitches him out for not being sensitive to the safety concerns of women. male therapists in particular need to be hyper-aware of making women feel uncomfortable and of power dynamics.
what makes it worse is that he tried to make me feel bad for protecting myself. for taking control of the situation. and i almost did feel bad. but i don't. i don't have to apologize to some fucking asshole for trusting my instincts. i don't have to apologize for putting my safety above his poor little feelings. i don't have to apologize for inconveniencing someone who put me in a very inconvenient position.
i'm so glad i left. i'm mad at myself for entering the apartment the first time. i might have saved my own life, and i wish i lived in a world where i didn't have to think that.
i am also pissed that i cut my nails for nothing.