One of the worst days of my life..
February 25th 2002..
I had a family.. A loving boyfriend, Josh and a beautiful baby boy, Damien.. Perfect? It was until it was taken away, a wrenching heart break..
Three years previous I had lost my first love to illness, and I was with his twin brother.. It was the life I dreamed about, Except for "business"......I was mixed in a very dangerous lifestyle. Living in Seattle in a large house with quite a few others, "a compound" we called it family.. Josh and I had gotten into a huge argument soon after my b-day on the 20th dealing with a race that I had botched and it never seemed to end.. He wanted me to stop racing told me that the last wreck nearly took my life.. I would have none of it, we got physical and very verbal.. There was one innocent party in this, 2 yr old Damien.. Damien began to act strange and seclude himself from others at the compound, if we hadn't been so consumed in our argument maybe we may have been paying closer attention that night..
I will never forget that night, I still have nightmares about it.. Josh and I were in the living room yelling again.. Damien was watching TV and I was sitting not too far from him. Somewhere in the argument, Damien got up and walked out of the room unnoticed.. He made his way to our room where he found a 9mm sitting on the bed. I only assume that he picked it up thinking it was a toy to play with, it got to heavy and he dropped it.. The gun had an accidental discharge hitting him directly in the head.. The gun going off silenced out argument immediately, we took off running up the stairs....I already knew what had happened but nothing could prepare me for what i was about to see.. No one can explain how it feels to see their child dead on the floor, We went into complete hysteria, Josh ran to him first...picked up the gun, looked at me and told me that he loved me....he couldn't take it and he had to go with him...he turned the gun on himself and put a bullet through his head right in front of me..
I freaked out, I had no sanity left it all had left when that happened...I tried the gun on myself and it jammed.. I threw it on the ground ran out of the room...I grabbed a kitchen knife, all the pills out of the bathroom and the bottle of anti-freeze from the closet.. I ran back into the room, I swallowed handfuls of pills with the anti-freeze until I finished what was left in the bottle.. I picked up Damien and held him in my arms, sat down next to josh...took the knife and slit my wrists vertically and my throat.. I waited with my once happy family for death to claim me as well.. If you can't beat them, join them.....right? WRONG!!!... someone nearby had called EMT's They got to me within an inch of death and I was rushed to the hospital.. I was put in the ICU and being pumped and having my kidneys flushed.. stitches.. After 10 mins of being stabilized, I flat lined.. I was considered dead and taken to the morgue.. I had been dead for over 15 minutes when for no medical reason, I revived.. I was very disoriented and in so much pain I didn't want to breathe.. I made my way out of the morgue and back upstairs.. Two doctors fainted from the sight of me as well as a few nurses..
When I awoke the next time I was hooked to a lot of machines and a sheriff sat next to me.. He told me that in the afternoon I would be transfered to Fairfax hospital, that I was being charged with double homicide and was a threat to myself.. I was in Fairfax hospital for 2 weeks before I went to court.. I was barely able to speak on my own, I was sentenced 144 days involuntary treatment or until I was placed judgment..
I ended up spending 7 months in Western State Hospital in Steilacoom, Washington for a crime I didn't commit.. I was subjected to abuse, medical malpractice and ECT treatments.. I was finally found innocent and released October 4, 2002..
These memories used to haunt me all the time, now they aren't so bad.. Please listen when I say, hold those you love close to you, family means EVERYTHING.. And you never know just how much you love someone, until they leave your life forever.. I miss them everyday and wish that I could see them again....That I could have seen Damien grow up, instead of him watching me from the other side.. I just hope that he is at peace and that he forgives me for not being as watchful as I should have been..
I had a family.. A loving boyfriend, Josh and a beautiful baby boy, Damien.. Perfect? It was until it was taken away, a wrenching heart break..
Three years previous I had lost my first love to illness, and I was with his twin brother.. It was the life I dreamed about, Except for "business"......I was mixed in a very dangerous lifestyle. Living in Seattle in a large house with quite a few others, "a compound" we called it family.. Josh and I had gotten into a huge argument soon after my b-day on the 20th dealing with a race that I had botched and it never seemed to end.. He wanted me to stop racing told me that the last wreck nearly took my life.. I would have none of it, we got physical and very verbal.. There was one innocent party in this, 2 yr old Damien.. Damien began to act strange and seclude himself from others at the compound, if we hadn't been so consumed in our argument maybe we may have been paying closer attention that night..
I will never forget that night, I still have nightmares about it.. Josh and I were in the living room yelling again.. Damien was watching TV and I was sitting not too far from him. Somewhere in the argument, Damien got up and walked out of the room unnoticed.. He made his way to our room where he found a 9mm sitting on the bed. I only assume that he picked it up thinking it was a toy to play with, it got to heavy and he dropped it.. The gun had an accidental discharge hitting him directly in the head.. The gun going off silenced out argument immediately, we took off running up the stairs....I already knew what had happened but nothing could prepare me for what i was about to see.. No one can explain how it feels to see their child dead on the floor, We went into complete hysteria, Josh ran to him first...picked up the gun, looked at me and told me that he loved me....he couldn't take it and he had to go with him...he turned the gun on himself and put a bullet through his head right in front of me..
I freaked out, I had no sanity left it all had left when that happened...I tried the gun on myself and it jammed.. I threw it on the ground ran out of the room...I grabbed a kitchen knife, all the pills out of the bathroom and the bottle of anti-freeze from the closet.. I ran back into the room, I swallowed handfuls of pills with the anti-freeze until I finished what was left in the bottle.. I picked up Damien and held him in my arms, sat down next to josh...took the knife and slit my wrists vertically and my throat.. I waited with my once happy family for death to claim me as well.. If you can't beat them, join them.....right? WRONG!!!... someone nearby had called EMT's They got to me within an inch of death and I was rushed to the hospital.. I was put in the ICU and being pumped and having my kidneys flushed.. stitches.. After 10 mins of being stabilized, I flat lined.. I was considered dead and taken to the morgue.. I had been dead for over 15 minutes when for no medical reason, I revived.. I was very disoriented and in so much pain I didn't want to breathe.. I made my way out of the morgue and back upstairs.. Two doctors fainted from the sight of me as well as a few nurses..
When I awoke the next time I was hooked to a lot of machines and a sheriff sat next to me.. He told me that in the afternoon I would be transfered to Fairfax hospital, that I was being charged with double homicide and was a threat to myself.. I was in Fairfax hospital for 2 weeks before I went to court.. I was barely able to speak on my own, I was sentenced 144 days involuntary treatment or until I was placed judgment..
I ended up spending 7 months in Western State Hospital in Steilacoom, Washington for a crime I didn't commit.. I was subjected to abuse, medical malpractice and ECT treatments.. I was finally found innocent and released October 4, 2002..
These memories used to haunt me all the time, now they aren't so bad.. Please listen when I say, hold those you love close to you, family means EVERYTHING.. And you never know just how much you love someone, until they leave your life forever.. I miss them everyday and wish that I could see them again....That I could have seen Damien grow up, instead of him watching me from the other side.. I just hope that he is at peace and that he forgives me for not being as watchful as I should have been..