a breakthrough of sorts.... the year of letting go...
I've mostly been on Facebook with the angst via breast cancer. Still got bs to wade through but radiation should be done before my yearly pagan gathering. Oddly enough it's the facebook groups that have been inspiring me. I keep creating secret groups to explore topics more deeply. As a woman with adhd the groups have really let me stay focused for brief spurts and leap to amother topic and let each topic stay intact.... there was a large misunderstanding between mowgli and me. Not entirely sure why it was so acrid. We just had big differences in how we as individuals worked. I need repetition and the flexibility to spread my wings in multiple directions. She seemed to be offended by both traits in me and blocked me on Facebook. To me this means she's decided i'm not even a friend anymore. It saddens me but to be honest? She stopped going to barb gatherings... so I never got to see her.... she took forever to accept me as a student because of some odd feeling that eva was my teacher. ... she wasn't. ... she was bu's teacher and bu was supposedly my teacher which he really sucked at... especially since he became an atheist without bothering to tell me. Eva and I were friends. ... who did magic together. No idea where mowg got that idea. Then when we started? She told me she was pretty much too busy to work with me. I thought that was fine as I tend to go at a snail's pace. I wasn't aware that the pace had to shift... but it had.... and I was frankly resistant to the way ahe wanted to teach pentacle. I had taken several iron pentacle classes and run iron through my body for eight plus years then and I had a handle on it and was ready to do pearl. But mowg had other plans. She wanted me to use a pentacle that starhawk had in a standard book the title of which escapes me. But she wanted to take it one triangle at a time.... every fiber of my being resisted this so my snail became entrenched in the mud....
I mentioned some other things I was doing alongside this and she got offended.... telling me I probably didn't need her. In fact she was acting like a jealous gf..... we rarely saw each other in person... did one phone call on the concepts.... and she never went to barb gatherings. ... so..... though I had a teacher in name? She lived too far away... got mad at me when I expressed interest in other ideas that weren't sreessing me out.... and ostensibly she was super busy. And then I asked a question. Her answer was confusing... so I asked for clarification. And our fragile student teacher connection bond developed cracks. I really didn't like or grok what she wanted me to do. She didn't like my pace or my not getting what she was trying to say.
Then? After a six month hiatus I was looking for the first four answers I finally got right & I couldn't find it. And she said we were done. I kinda knew it because I was resistant and frustrated with what she wanted me to do.... but I thought I'd give it one more shot... she decided to cut me off at the knees. .. which was probably correct. ... but.... as a teacher? I would have checked in more often... been less impatient and scheduled more phone calls. And certainly not acted angry when the person who you very long distance taught expressed interest in other things.... seemed to me to be an overreaction to the situation that i'd (the teacher) done norhing to improve the connection. Another mistake she made.... was assuming I'd only contacted her because I was envious of an ACTUAL student. ... that she had a REAL connection with. Maybe she reminded me to get back to the task that had been rolling around in my head but jealous? No.... I have two degrees in braided wheel and they've given me nothing but a solid base of understanding. If she really thought I needed degrees then maybe she could have checked with me and not made assumptions about what I valued. What I valued and admired was her strength of character and loving spirit and her knowledge of some things I clearly didn't understand. I've gained some ground with my current teacher. She understands that I need autonomy and depth of study. She allows me to explore multiple avenues of thought and approves of me. She doesn't get mad and jealous if I need to work with another alongside her. Because she understands I still need her.... my ping pong brain needs a little bit here and a little bit there... it doesn't respond well to being forced to fit a square peg. I just can't. ... not that I can't learn her way... but I resist ...
And it takes longer. ... and it's stressful for me to really strongly focus on ONE thing only. It's legitimately hard for me. And sometimes painful.
Sometimes these things don't work.... but I did kinda warn her. She just didn't understand how my mind works. And that's ok. I still miss her presence daily and being blocked on Facebook hurt my feelings. .. but kali is my goddess and i'm learning to be less fearful of change.
I'm a work in progress...
I mentioned some other things I was doing alongside this and she got offended.... telling me I probably didn't need her. In fact she was acting like a jealous gf..... we rarely saw each other in person... did one phone call on the concepts.... and she never went to barb gatherings. ... so..... though I had a teacher in name? She lived too far away... got mad at me when I expressed interest in other ideas that weren't sreessing me out.... and ostensibly she was super busy. And then I asked a question. Her answer was confusing... so I asked for clarification. And our fragile student teacher connection bond developed cracks. I really didn't like or grok what she wanted me to do. She didn't like my pace or my not getting what she was trying to say.
Then? After a six month hiatus I was looking for the first four answers I finally got right & I couldn't find it. And she said we were done. I kinda knew it because I was resistant and frustrated with what she wanted me to do.... but I thought I'd give it one more shot... she decided to cut me off at the knees. .. which was probably correct. ... but.... as a teacher? I would have checked in more often... been less impatient and scheduled more phone calls. And certainly not acted angry when the person who you very long distance taught expressed interest in other things.... seemed to me to be an overreaction to the situation that i'd (the teacher) done norhing to improve the connection. Another mistake she made.... was assuming I'd only contacted her because I was envious of an ACTUAL student. ... that she had a REAL connection with. Maybe she reminded me to get back to the task that had been rolling around in my head but jealous? No.... I have two degrees in braided wheel and they've given me nothing but a solid base of understanding. If she really thought I needed degrees then maybe she could have checked with me and not made assumptions about what I valued. What I valued and admired was her strength of character and loving spirit and her knowledge of some things I clearly didn't understand. I've gained some ground with my current teacher. She understands that I need autonomy and depth of study. She allows me to explore multiple avenues of thought and approves of me. She doesn't get mad and jealous if I need to work with another alongside her. Because she understands I still need her.... my ping pong brain needs a little bit here and a little bit there... it doesn't respond well to being forced to fit a square peg. I just can't. ... not that I can't learn her way... but I resist ...
And it takes longer. ... and it's stressful for me to really strongly focus on ONE thing only. It's legitimately hard for me. And sometimes painful.
Sometimes these things don't work.... but I did kinda warn her. She just didn't understand how my mind works. And that's ok. I still miss her presence daily and being blocked on Facebook hurt my feelings. .. but kali is my goddess and i'm learning to be less fearful of change.
I'm a work in progress...