saturday morning mentality
i wrote a rant on thursday evening when i had my first emotional breakdown since i moved back to jersey. sadly but truly, three weeks without one was a record for me in my recent history. don't worry- i feel a lot better now, but i would still like to include some of the things that were on my mind when i was in that horrible state, just in a calmer sort of way. i did not post it on purpose, because i knew that the mood would pass.
the breakdown was triggered by three things. the first was that i fucked up on some highlights on a castle we were painting at work and i had to repaint them. it wasn't a big deal, but i am my own worst critic, and whenever i fuck up, i can't let it go and i wonder why the hell i'm going to school for set design if i can't even paint highlights on a castle.
the second was that i was receiving a call after lunch and when i looked at my phone, i realized it had dialed the number of the boy who fucked with me and he had answered. i hung up right away, but i got pretty upset about it and my coworkers wanted to know, so i relived the entire saga of the horribly stupid situation and felt like a jerk for the rest of the day for being such a girl the past couple of months. but it enabled me to come to the conclusion that i consciously choose men that are vaguely flawed because i don't really question if they are good enough for me, but i always question if i am good enough for them. good looking and funny, but can be an asshole, has weird teeth, and can't spell. for a sweet girl with a nice smile who carries an electronic dictionary in her bag, there's no danger, there. at least now i'm totally aware of that situation and i can avoid it happening again.
the third trigger was that the call i was receiving at the time was dan, canceling our plans for the third time this summer. this bothered me because before i took back my job at plays in the park, i asked him if he'd be around this summer, because now erin and brian are in brooklyn and i do not have that many other friends. my time in jersey so far has been ridiculously relaxing and productive, but a little lonely and i was hurt that he disregarded my feelings.
the other kids i'm friends with are the electricians at plays in the park. but i work all day and they work all night and all weekend and it's hard to make plans with them.
and by the time my bad mood was in full swing, i confronted my friend for advice on what i thought was a semi-flirtatious IM and Facebook friend request from one of his friends i had seen last weekend. he immediately reassured me that this kid was just being his friendly old self, even though he was kind of an ass when i met him two or three years ago. i'm glad he snapped me out of what could have been a potentially embarrassing situation, but i was mildly hurt that he just assumed (or knew straight from the guy himself) that there is no way that this boy could be interested in me.
i barely noticed that my birthday passed. my coworkers and i went out that night to a bar and no one even offered to buy me a beer. the electricians threw me a great midnight movie party in the park, complete with cake and all, and that was definitely the highlight of my day. whenever someone asked me how it felt to be 22, i just replied that i've been 22 for years now. i have had the drive, responsibility and maturity of someone AT LEAST 22 throughout my party years. frankly, it's exhausting.
in better news, i am doing some sort of cardio every other day and strength training on the off days. i feel stronger and healthier than i have in awhile. i am progressing mentally, too. so far this summer i've read:
A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah
truly the saddest book you'll ever read. i have been known to shed a tear when i read, but i actually had to put this fucking book down and sob for awhile.
Spring Awakening by Frank Wedekind
i wanted to see how far the musical strayed from the play. i could design the fuck out of this.
Two Gentleman of Verona by William Shakespeare
i wanted to read a good part of the complete works, but this is the only one i've gotten to so far. it was pretty funny, but it made me feel really thankful that i am a woman in the 21st century.
Lamb to the Slaughter and other short stories by Roald Dahl
i tried really hard to enjoy these as he was one of my favorite authors as a child, but they were lacking.
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut
why didn't i think of this concept first? i have read and cherished many of Kurt Vonnegut's short stories, my favorite being Harrison Bergeron and i was told to start out my exploration of his novels with Breakfast of Champions, but i couldn't resist buying Galapagos after reading the back cover, and that's my next endeavor.
i've also stolen a handful of my aunt's anatomy books (she's a nurse) and have made strides in designing my tattoo, which is a stylistic human heart. it speaks for art and biology. and as hearts classically do, it stands for love but this one stands for strength, too. it is a reminder of how delicate life is and how one should strive for mental and physical health, but enjoy themselves at the same time. i think i'm either going to put it on my left wrist or over where my actual heart is on my chest or maybe my foot. i think it'll look stupid anywhere else.
so i'm aware of what is wrong in my life and i'm mostly good. the sun is shining, so i really can't complain any more than i just did. i am thankful for a lot of things. and generally happy.
the breakdown was triggered by three things. the first was that i fucked up on some highlights on a castle we were painting at work and i had to repaint them. it wasn't a big deal, but i am my own worst critic, and whenever i fuck up, i can't let it go and i wonder why the hell i'm going to school for set design if i can't even paint highlights on a castle.
the second was that i was receiving a call after lunch and when i looked at my phone, i realized it had dialed the number of the boy who fucked with me and he had answered. i hung up right away, but i got pretty upset about it and my coworkers wanted to know, so i relived the entire saga of the horribly stupid situation and felt like a jerk for the rest of the day for being such a girl the past couple of months. but it enabled me to come to the conclusion that i consciously choose men that are vaguely flawed because i don't really question if they are good enough for me, but i always question if i am good enough for them. good looking and funny, but can be an asshole, has weird teeth, and can't spell. for a sweet girl with a nice smile who carries an electronic dictionary in her bag, there's no danger, there. at least now i'm totally aware of that situation and i can avoid it happening again.
the third trigger was that the call i was receiving at the time was dan, canceling our plans for the third time this summer. this bothered me because before i took back my job at plays in the park, i asked him if he'd be around this summer, because now erin and brian are in brooklyn and i do not have that many other friends. my time in jersey so far has been ridiculously relaxing and productive, but a little lonely and i was hurt that he disregarded my feelings.
the other kids i'm friends with are the electricians at plays in the park. but i work all day and they work all night and all weekend and it's hard to make plans with them.
and by the time my bad mood was in full swing, i confronted my friend for advice on what i thought was a semi-flirtatious IM and Facebook friend request from one of his friends i had seen last weekend. he immediately reassured me that this kid was just being his friendly old self, even though he was kind of an ass when i met him two or three years ago. i'm glad he snapped me out of what could have been a potentially embarrassing situation, but i was mildly hurt that he just assumed (or knew straight from the guy himself) that there is no way that this boy could be interested in me.
i barely noticed that my birthday passed. my coworkers and i went out that night to a bar and no one even offered to buy me a beer. the electricians threw me a great midnight movie party in the park, complete with cake and all, and that was definitely the highlight of my day. whenever someone asked me how it felt to be 22, i just replied that i've been 22 for years now. i have had the drive, responsibility and maturity of someone AT LEAST 22 throughout my party years. frankly, it's exhausting.
in better news, i am doing some sort of cardio every other day and strength training on the off days. i feel stronger and healthier than i have in awhile. i am progressing mentally, too. so far this summer i've read:
A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah
truly the saddest book you'll ever read. i have been known to shed a tear when i read, but i actually had to put this fucking book down and sob for awhile.
Spring Awakening by Frank Wedekind
i wanted to see how far the musical strayed from the play. i could design the fuck out of this.
Two Gentleman of Verona by William Shakespeare
i wanted to read a good part of the complete works, but this is the only one i've gotten to so far. it was pretty funny, but it made me feel really thankful that i am a woman in the 21st century.
Lamb to the Slaughter and other short stories by Roald Dahl
i tried really hard to enjoy these as he was one of my favorite authors as a child, but they were lacking.
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut
why didn't i think of this concept first? i have read and cherished many of Kurt Vonnegut's short stories, my favorite being Harrison Bergeron and i was told to start out my exploration of his novels with Breakfast of Champions, but i couldn't resist buying Galapagos after reading the back cover, and that's my next endeavor.
i've also stolen a handful of my aunt's anatomy books (she's a nurse) and have made strides in designing my tattoo, which is a stylistic human heart. it speaks for art and biology. and as hearts classically do, it stands for love but this one stands for strength, too. it is a reminder of how delicate life is and how one should strive for mental and physical health, but enjoy themselves at the same time. i think i'm either going to put it on my left wrist or over where my actual heart is on my chest or maybe my foot. i think it'll look stupid anywhere else.
so i'm aware of what is wrong in my life and i'm mostly good. the sun is shining, so i really can't complain any more than i just did. i am thankful for a lot of things. and generally happy.