Fuck Off
So life is nuts as usual. Ledd and I stopped talking; a long story that I would rather not relive. Long story short, he was pissed off at the fact that when he got back from CA he was ready to be in a relationship with me but he was too. fucking. late. So about 3 days later he's dating Kym again, meaning that all that love bullshit he told me was just that: bullshit.
After me blocking him for about a week I was starting to forget about the whole thing and move on with my life when lo and behold! who should I get a phone call from? It's Ledd, saying that HE can't move on with his life without apologizing to me. How unbelievably selfish of him. He knew I didn't want to talk to him at all but he still felt the need to force his feelings of guilt on me. I told him we could be friends but I needed space. So, since then he has contacted me through phone call or IM almost every day.
All I've done for the whole summer is listen to him bitch and moan about how much his life sucks, trying to be supportive of him while he pursued Kym. Then suddenly he expects ME to want a relationship with him? How can he say to me that all he wanted when he got back was to be with me, then get back together with Kym a week later? He said it was because he felt "so betrayed," but I think that's bullshit. When he broke up with me to work out his issues with Kym I couldn't even think about seeing another guy for at least two months. I bet he hasn't even told Kym that I was his first choice.
He thinks things can just go back to being the way they were, and it's such a selfish wish. He still wants to attention of two girls, he doesn't even fucking care how badly he broke my heart. I slept under a bed for 4 hours for this guy, I made him meals, I brought him soup when he was sick, left notes on his car when he was feeling sad. I poured my soul into this relationship and it sucks to know that he didn't care about me that much. How can I sit next to him on a couch, knowing everything he ever told me when we were dating was a huge lie? How can I hang out with everyone without them feeling uncomfortable about how badly he screwed me over? They all really enjoyed hanging out with me, shooting air soft or playing CoD or hanging out at Mistuwa.
And how does he expect it not to be awkward for Kym as well? I can't pretend I know her, but if I were her I'm not sure I'd be ok with my boyfriend hanging out with his ex. We said we loved each other, bought each other gifts, and he said he had never been happier in his life. I wouldn't hold it against her if she didn't want to him to see me anymore.
In truth, I think Ledd needs me far more than I need him. He needs me to balance out the fact that Kym still hangs out with the guy she was dating. Fuck that. I'm not a bargaining chip or counterbalance, I'm a human being. Also, what would stop him from lying to me the way he lied to Kym? It's just not worth it.
Ledd says he's changed but he's exactly the same: he made an impulsive decision to get back together with Kym after an emotional reaction to me. Just like he impulsively started dating me right after he broke up with Kym (even though I told him we should wait). His way of dealing with sadness is to use a girl to forget. I don't think, after 5+ years with Kym, he even knows how to function alone.
Again, maybe someday I can be friends with him but not until he stops selfishly trying to drag me back into his life without regard to my feelings at all. I'm of tired of the amount of disrespect he has given me, not as a romantic interest but as a friend. Canceling plans on a regular basis, venting to me all the time then FREAKING OUT when I try to talk about my feelings, continuing to be affectionate with me after I expressly said I was uncomfortable with it...I just can't handle it anymore. I've reached my breaking point. And the messed up thing is, I don't even think he has one bit of understanding as to the damage he's done.
After me blocking him for about a week I was starting to forget about the whole thing and move on with my life when lo and behold! who should I get a phone call from? It's Ledd, saying that HE can't move on with his life without apologizing to me. How unbelievably selfish of him. He knew I didn't want to talk to him at all but he still felt the need to force his feelings of guilt on me. I told him we could be friends but I needed space. So, since then he has contacted me through phone call or IM almost every day.
All I've done for the whole summer is listen to him bitch and moan about how much his life sucks, trying to be supportive of him while he pursued Kym. Then suddenly he expects ME to want a relationship with him? How can he say to me that all he wanted when he got back was to be with me, then get back together with Kym a week later? He said it was because he felt "so betrayed," but I think that's bullshit. When he broke up with me to work out his issues with Kym I couldn't even think about seeing another guy for at least two months. I bet he hasn't even told Kym that I was his first choice.
He thinks things can just go back to being the way they were, and it's such a selfish wish. He still wants to attention of two girls, he doesn't even fucking care how badly he broke my heart. I slept under a bed for 4 hours for this guy, I made him meals, I brought him soup when he was sick, left notes on his car when he was feeling sad. I poured my soul into this relationship and it sucks to know that he didn't care about me that much. How can I sit next to him on a couch, knowing everything he ever told me when we were dating was a huge lie? How can I hang out with everyone without them feeling uncomfortable about how badly he screwed me over? They all really enjoyed hanging out with me, shooting air soft or playing CoD or hanging out at Mistuwa.
And how does he expect it not to be awkward for Kym as well? I can't pretend I know her, but if I were her I'm not sure I'd be ok with my boyfriend hanging out with his ex. We said we loved each other, bought each other gifts, and he said he had never been happier in his life. I wouldn't hold it against her if she didn't want to him to see me anymore.
In truth, I think Ledd needs me far more than I need him. He needs me to balance out the fact that Kym still hangs out with the guy she was dating. Fuck that. I'm not a bargaining chip or counterbalance, I'm a human being. Also, what would stop him from lying to me the way he lied to Kym? It's just not worth it.
Ledd says he's changed but he's exactly the same: he made an impulsive decision to get back together with Kym after an emotional reaction to me. Just like he impulsively started dating me right after he broke up with Kym (even though I told him we should wait). His way of dealing with sadness is to use a girl to forget. I don't think, after 5+ years with Kym, he even knows how to function alone.
Again, maybe someday I can be friends with him but not until he stops selfishly trying to drag me back into his life without regard to my feelings at all. I'm of tired of the amount of disrespect he has given me, not as a romantic interest but as a friend. Canceling plans on a regular basis, venting to me all the time then FREAKING OUT when I try to talk about my feelings, continuing to be affectionate with me after I expressly said I was uncomfortable with it...I just can't handle it anymore. I've reached my breaking point. And the messed up thing is, I don't even think he has one bit of understanding as to the damage he's done.