what you are doin is screwin things up inside my head
So Kevin gave me this big lecture about how I was too immature to be in a relationship right now and how I was going through a "selfish stage" right now and blah blah blah. He gave me this huge load of crap about how it was ok if I stayed if I kept paying rent and how everyone said he was crazy for offering to let me stay. Which is funny, because HE broke up with ME. It would be crazy if it were the other way around. He said he was "being the bigger man." The only thing that makes him a bigger man is his big fat swelled head. And I don't mean the below-the-belt kind.
I know why he's doing that. He doesn't want people to think he's an asshole. Hell, he's doing it so he won't have to think of HIMSELF as an asshole. So now everyone will think of him as the hero and me as the asshole. Oh well, whatever helps him sleep at night.
However, he has no right to call me immature, with what he did today.
I went to the apartment to start packing my stuff today. He didn't really speak to me which I expected; I just went into my room and started packing. I know it's going to be a little tough for him to find another room mate on short notice, so I wanted to get my stuff out as soon as possible so someone else could move in for August. I sang and pakced my stuff, he took a shower and all. Nothing too bad.
Then he gets a call from someone. He tells them it's "awkward" with me in the apartment. Funny, I didn't feel awkward at all. He then proceeds to tell the whole story of the break-up over the phone while I was in the apartment (granted he was in another room with the door closed, but the apartment is small and he talks kinda loud). After he got off the phone I calmly told him that I thought it was rude to talk about me while I was still in the apartment, and that I felt kind of insulted. He tells me it wasn't rude. That it's his apartment, and he can talk to someone on the phone any time he wants, about any thing he wants. I tell him it's still rude. He insists that it's not.
Am I crazy? Am I over reacting to think that that is rude?
Then later I got the following message on my phone (this is copied word for word):
"Um just so you know, um, I just got the power bill in the mail? and this is astronomically high. I mean this is, this is the highest bill I've ever received in two years since i've lived here this is ridiculous. And I'm looking at the meter ratings? It all occurred while I was gone. The bill is just shy of a hundred dollars for this month, this. is. insane. Bring some money with you tomorrow."
I called him back and told him that I was willing to pay the whole bill. I also told him that the message was verbally abusive, and that the next time he wanted me to do something for him he should ask me as if I am a human being. He said he was angry, I told him it was ok to be angry but that he has no right to speak to me that way. He said he did because the bill was my fault. I told him that no matter how angry he was at me, he had no right to take out that anger on me. All he had to do was ask me to pay the bill and it would be done. He told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore and hung up the phone. (for the record, after he first refused to believe that what he said to me was verbal abuse, I used a lot of the word "fuck" in addressing him ex. "That was fucking verbal abuse, and maybe next time you want me to do something for you, you could ask me like I'm a fucking human being.")
And he called me immature? He's 26 and still pulling the I-don't-want-to-listen-so-I'm-hanging-up shit?
It's funny, because I offered to let him keep a couple things and he was like "No, it's yours take it." Heaven forbid anyone find out that I let him keep some of my stuff. It would make it a little harder to make me seem like the bad guy.
What I don't understand is why he thinks this break up is all my fault. He keeps saying I've been selfish? I don't understand. I did laundry for him, I cleaned the dishes. I cleaned up all the messes he left behind when he took breaks between each leg of his tour. I bought him lunches almost every day when school was in session (about three months). And only once was the apartment not clean when he came home, only once did I forget to thank him when he bought me dinner. And suddenly it means I don't love him anymore? I went to one party without him and that's the last straw?
If you ask me, in terms of selfishness, we're pretty even. I guess it was a little selfish of me not to try harder to get Kevin into that stupid party, but we'd done nothing but fight all week and the last thing I wanted to do was get drunk and fight with him (which ended up happening anyway, since he called me when I was hammered out of my skull to yell at me. even after my phone died, I found three more messages which contained more of him yelling at me, because apparently he just can't get enough of calling me and giving me a piece of his mind). However, the thing that drives me nuts is that Kevin refuses to take any of the blame for this. He thinks it's simply because of the age difference, a maturity diffence, because I didn't love him, because we see things differently...but not because he also acted selfishly too.
I told Kevin that I had a period when all I did was make decisions based on whether or not it would make other people happy. I was miserable during that point in my life, while everyone else around me was happy. I kept doing things for other people, not expecting anything in return...and not getting anything back. So I started to think about myself first, other people second. Because I realized no one will ever go out of their way to make me happy because it's MY responsibility to maintain happiness. I'm sure Kevin was thinking the same thing when he took a touring job and left me alone all summer. Sure, it made me sad that he was gone, but he was doing what was best for him and I respected that.
I've made a lot of mistakes that Kevin has scolded me for. Mailing the power bill in later, forgetting to put the flowers he bought me in water, accidentally forgetting to thank his mom for taking me out for dinner once. But Kevin makes mistakes too. He forgot to give me his half of the rent money before he left, he mailed the previous power bill late and when I brought back candy from the shore for him, he didn't bother to open it. But I never got made at these things because they were just little mistakes. I don't understand why Kevin gets mad at me when I'm not perfect, yet he doesn't do everything right. It's ok not to be perfect, it's no ok to be mad at someone over it.
All in all, I really think the only reason I'm mad is because Kevin refuses to listen to me anymore. He has a set idea that he doesn't need me anymore, and that's fine. He told me that he wouldn't fall apart when I left and I was glad. But he also told me that I was the reason why he felt like his life had been falling apart. That sort of self-revelation is private, and no matter how many times he says it wasn't meant to hurt me I can't help feeling that he wouldn't have told me if he didn't want it to hurt me. All he does is talk about how he's going to be ok, and all I'm doing is asking him if he's going to be ok. And I've tried to tell him my point of view when he asked to talk with me on sunday but all he did was talk about how he felt when I did this, and he decided it was over. Every time I tried to talk he interrupted me with "No, it's my turn." When I finally got a sentence and half in (probably after 15 minutes) he interrupted me AGAIN to talk about his feelings. At that point I got up and said, "You don't really seem to want me to talk, so I'm going to leave." I got my stuff together and he yelled "Fine, get out of here. Get out!"
He just won't listen.
So I'm sorry if I write about this a lot, sorry to all my friends who I repeat these problems to over and over again, but I Kevin isn't listening to everything I need to say to him. I don't want to let my frustration out on Kevin, because I just don't have the emotional stamina to deal with another stupid fight. My parents aren't home which sucks, because if I've ever needed their support it's now, but their out celebrating their anniversary so I can't get mad ^_^ This whole thing is really going to kill my grades in my summer course....
I know why he's doing that. He doesn't want people to think he's an asshole. Hell, he's doing it so he won't have to think of HIMSELF as an asshole. So now everyone will think of him as the hero and me as the asshole. Oh well, whatever helps him sleep at night.
However, he has no right to call me immature, with what he did today.
I went to the apartment to start packing my stuff today. He didn't really speak to me which I expected; I just went into my room and started packing. I know it's going to be a little tough for him to find another room mate on short notice, so I wanted to get my stuff out as soon as possible so someone else could move in for August. I sang and pakced my stuff, he took a shower and all. Nothing too bad.
Then he gets a call from someone. He tells them it's "awkward" with me in the apartment. Funny, I didn't feel awkward at all. He then proceeds to tell the whole story of the break-up over the phone while I was in the apartment (granted he was in another room with the door closed, but the apartment is small and he talks kinda loud). After he got off the phone I calmly told him that I thought it was rude to talk about me while I was still in the apartment, and that I felt kind of insulted. He tells me it wasn't rude. That it's his apartment, and he can talk to someone on the phone any time he wants, about any thing he wants. I tell him it's still rude. He insists that it's not.
Am I crazy? Am I over reacting to think that that is rude?
Then later I got the following message on my phone (this is copied word for word):
"Um just so you know, um, I just got the power bill in the mail? and this is astronomically high. I mean this is, this is the highest bill I've ever received in two years since i've lived here this is ridiculous. And I'm looking at the meter ratings? It all occurred while I was gone. The bill is just shy of a hundred dollars for this month, this. is. insane. Bring some money with you tomorrow."
I called him back and told him that I was willing to pay the whole bill. I also told him that the message was verbally abusive, and that the next time he wanted me to do something for him he should ask me as if I am a human being. He said he was angry, I told him it was ok to be angry but that he has no right to speak to me that way. He said he did because the bill was my fault. I told him that no matter how angry he was at me, he had no right to take out that anger on me. All he had to do was ask me to pay the bill and it would be done. He told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore and hung up the phone. (for the record, after he first refused to believe that what he said to me was verbal abuse, I used a lot of the word "fuck" in addressing him ex. "That was fucking verbal abuse, and maybe next time you want me to do something for you, you could ask me like I'm a fucking human being.")
And he called me immature? He's 26 and still pulling the I-don't-want-to-listen-so-I'm-hanging-up shit?
It's funny, because I offered to let him keep a couple things and he was like "No, it's yours take it." Heaven forbid anyone find out that I let him keep some of my stuff. It would make it a little harder to make me seem like the bad guy.
What I don't understand is why he thinks this break up is all my fault. He keeps saying I've been selfish? I don't understand. I did laundry for him, I cleaned the dishes. I cleaned up all the messes he left behind when he took breaks between each leg of his tour. I bought him lunches almost every day when school was in session (about three months). And only once was the apartment not clean when he came home, only once did I forget to thank him when he bought me dinner. And suddenly it means I don't love him anymore? I went to one party without him and that's the last straw?
If you ask me, in terms of selfishness, we're pretty even. I guess it was a little selfish of me not to try harder to get Kevin into that stupid party, but we'd done nothing but fight all week and the last thing I wanted to do was get drunk and fight with him (which ended up happening anyway, since he called me when I was hammered out of my skull to yell at me. even after my phone died, I found three more messages which contained more of him yelling at me, because apparently he just can't get enough of calling me and giving me a piece of his mind). However, the thing that drives me nuts is that Kevin refuses to take any of the blame for this. He thinks it's simply because of the age difference, a maturity diffence, because I didn't love him, because we see things differently...but not because he also acted selfishly too.
I told Kevin that I had a period when all I did was make decisions based on whether or not it would make other people happy. I was miserable during that point in my life, while everyone else around me was happy. I kept doing things for other people, not expecting anything in return...and not getting anything back. So I started to think about myself first, other people second. Because I realized no one will ever go out of their way to make me happy because it's MY responsibility to maintain happiness. I'm sure Kevin was thinking the same thing when he took a touring job and left me alone all summer. Sure, it made me sad that he was gone, but he was doing what was best for him and I respected that.
I've made a lot of mistakes that Kevin has scolded me for. Mailing the power bill in later, forgetting to put the flowers he bought me in water, accidentally forgetting to thank his mom for taking me out for dinner once. But Kevin makes mistakes too. He forgot to give me his half of the rent money before he left, he mailed the previous power bill late and when I brought back candy from the shore for him, he didn't bother to open it. But I never got made at these things because they were just little mistakes. I don't understand why Kevin gets mad at me when I'm not perfect, yet he doesn't do everything right. It's ok not to be perfect, it's no ok to be mad at someone over it.
All in all, I really think the only reason I'm mad is because Kevin refuses to listen to me anymore. He has a set idea that he doesn't need me anymore, and that's fine. He told me that he wouldn't fall apart when I left and I was glad. But he also told me that I was the reason why he felt like his life had been falling apart. That sort of self-revelation is private, and no matter how many times he says it wasn't meant to hurt me I can't help feeling that he wouldn't have told me if he didn't want it to hurt me. All he does is talk about how he's going to be ok, and all I'm doing is asking him if he's going to be ok. And I've tried to tell him my point of view when he asked to talk with me on sunday but all he did was talk about how he felt when I did this, and he decided it was over. Every time I tried to talk he interrupted me with "No, it's my turn." When I finally got a sentence and half in (probably after 15 minutes) he interrupted me AGAIN to talk about his feelings. At that point I got up and said, "You don't really seem to want me to talk, so I'm going to leave." I got my stuff together and he yelled "Fine, get out of here. Get out!"
He just won't listen.
So I'm sorry if I write about this a lot, sorry to all my friends who I repeat these problems to over and over again, but I Kevin isn't listening to everything I need to say to him. I don't want to let my frustration out on Kevin, because I just don't have the emotional stamina to deal with another stupid fight. My parents aren't home which sucks, because if I've ever needed their support it's now, but their out celebrating their anniversary so I can't get mad ^_^ This whole thing is really going to kill my grades in my summer course....