(no subject)
I'm angry... angry at... my parents' divorce. That they couldn't get it together. Angry that that was even a choice for them.
But now my dad is re-married. She's nice, and there's nothing to dislike about her. But it still feels strange. I know she's all ecstatic and everything but then I look at my mom.. who is still in pain.. who can't seem to move on..
Our relationship is damaged.. I don't know if it will ever be the same.. which is sad, because she is my mother.. and no one can ever replace her.. but I want her to be normal again. I don't trust her and I hate that I don't. She said and did things that can never be taken back. I feel sorry for her, because she wants someone to just understand her and I don't. I never will. Unless I go through exactly what she went through.. which I didn't as a kid.. and hopefully won't as an adult. Sometimes I just want to shake her.. and scream at her and say "STOP IT!!"
We have one life to live.. and if you take that for granted there is no hope for you.. why are you going to spend your only days here depressed and living in the past? Maybe she's just not as strong as I feel that I am.. but if I was.. would I be sitting here ranting and crying? Maybe it's just an outlet for pent up bitterness. Sometimes I don't know who I am more angry with.. her or him.
Again, I REALLY hate that I don't trust her. I have no idea what to do to get it back. I fear her I think.. I fear how she will react to certain situations and don't want her to relapse back into her "craziness." She's always sad though.. I feel that I need to be helping her.. and have no idea how.
I just don't know what to do, but to sit here and write out my frustrations and cry.
I am moving to Austin in less than two months and I wonder if our relationship is not mended now, will it ever be?
Sometimes I am angry at myself because I feel like I am always trying to protect myself from her, when it should be her protecting me from life's situations. Maybe we're supposed to have a life reversal. Maybe I am supposed to be trying to help her mend her life back together. But sometimes I don't have the patience. I don't want to be avoiding her and trying to hide things from her because I am afraid of how she'll take things. I say I don't think she's strong enough.. I feel that she will lose it.. she's always had this underlying sadness.. I just want to help her but I can't.. I just can't..
and she's a mere few blocks from me.. it would take less than 30 seconds to drive to her house.. and tell her everything.. but I'm more afraid of rejection in the sense that she will find a way to disappoint me.. that I will just end up leaving pissed off because she'll say or do something stupid...
I still have no idea what to feel.. and the tears won't stop... still no idea........
But now my dad is re-married. She's nice, and there's nothing to dislike about her. But it still feels strange. I know she's all ecstatic and everything but then I look at my mom.. who is still in pain.. who can't seem to move on..
Our relationship is damaged.. I don't know if it will ever be the same.. which is sad, because she is my mother.. and no one can ever replace her.. but I want her to be normal again. I don't trust her and I hate that I don't. She said and did things that can never be taken back. I feel sorry for her, because she wants someone to just understand her and I don't. I never will. Unless I go through exactly what she went through.. which I didn't as a kid.. and hopefully won't as an adult. Sometimes I just want to shake her.. and scream at her and say "STOP IT!!"
We have one life to live.. and if you take that for granted there is no hope for you.. why are you going to spend your only days here depressed and living in the past? Maybe she's just not as strong as I feel that I am.. but if I was.. would I be sitting here ranting and crying? Maybe it's just an outlet for pent up bitterness. Sometimes I don't know who I am more angry with.. her or him.
Again, I REALLY hate that I don't trust her. I have no idea what to do to get it back. I fear her I think.. I fear how she will react to certain situations and don't want her to relapse back into her "craziness." She's always sad though.. I feel that I need to be helping her.. and have no idea how.
I just don't know what to do, but to sit here and write out my frustrations and cry.
I am moving to Austin in less than two months and I wonder if our relationship is not mended now, will it ever be?
Sometimes I am angry at myself because I feel like I am always trying to protect myself from her, when it should be her protecting me from life's situations. Maybe we're supposed to have a life reversal. Maybe I am supposed to be trying to help her mend her life back together. But sometimes I don't have the patience. I don't want to be avoiding her and trying to hide things from her because I am afraid of how she'll take things. I say I don't think she's strong enough.. I feel that she will lose it.. she's always had this underlying sadness.. I just want to help her but I can't.. I just can't..
and she's a mere few blocks from me.. it would take less than 30 seconds to drive to her house.. and tell her everything.. but I'm more afraid of rejection in the sense that she will find a way to disappoint me.. that I will just end up leaving pissed off because she'll say or do something stupid...
I still have no idea what to feel.. and the tears won't stop... still no idea........