(no subject)
today was alright. i had fun with zack. we went to eat at the blowfly and i almost wrecked the volvo-eezy in this unseen ditch..WOOO thank God for heavy cars. this things a tank. no wonder legally blind grandmas drive it...
anyway....today during school i kept flashing back to my times with aj. it was golden. now, all i have are memories..and the future can be somethign of my imagination now. i dont know how to deal with my pain of distance. miles kill. i would just sit there in class, and think, why cant he be here today after school to go do something with me? why cant he just come home and be here right now? what if he walked in...in my own thoughts i find solace. but then again, i just dig myself deeper in love, and if i keep doing this, and he breaks my heart or something hurts, its gonna be unbearable. i dont know what to do with all these hopes. my WHOLE FUTURE pertaining to the next 2 years of my life will be dramatically altered if things go "to plan" i want to be with him today,but i have to wait. weeks. months. its not fair. then we'll be together after that for ever. thats what his gift is to me, to make up for it now. and collEGE? rentS? i KNOW i will be disowned. looked down apon. and allienated. its not fair. this is what God wants me to do. i know it. its His plan. its mine. but its not my families. another source of constant pain for my future. yet now is the time to brACE for ahead. i know ihave many tears to shed for my decision. and the decision , ironically, is the right one. i wish my parents could see it. im growing up, and they still think im in diapers.
back to the good ol times. four in one.
it eats me up. hope consumes.
anyway....today during school i kept flashing back to my times with aj. it was golden. now, all i have are memories..and the future can be somethign of my imagination now. i dont know how to deal with my pain of distance. miles kill. i would just sit there in class, and think, why cant he be here today after school to go do something with me? why cant he just come home and be here right now? what if he walked in...in my own thoughts i find solace. but then again, i just dig myself deeper in love, and if i keep doing this, and he breaks my heart or something hurts, its gonna be unbearable. i dont know what to do with all these hopes. my WHOLE FUTURE pertaining to the next 2 years of my life will be dramatically altered if things go "to plan" i want to be with him today,but i have to wait. weeks. months. its not fair. then we'll be together after that for ever. thats what his gift is to me, to make up for it now. and collEGE? rentS? i KNOW i will be disowned. looked down apon. and allienated. its not fair. this is what God wants me to do. i know it. its His plan. its mine. but its not my families. another source of constant pain for my future. yet now is the time to brACE for ahead. i know ihave many tears to shed for my decision. and the decision , ironically, is the right one. i wish my parents could see it. im growing up, and they still think im in diapers.
back to the good ol times. four in one.
it eats me up. hope consumes.