Five Times Kurt Found Finn Looking at Straight Porn (and One Time He Didn't), Finn/Kurt, R
Title: Five Times Kurt Found Finn Looking at Straight Porn (and One Time He Didn't)
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: R
Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Word Count: 3,700+
Summary: Finn's password is "boobs," which Kurt had guessed on his second try a month ago, and when he clicks "restore session" on Finn's browser, he's less than surprised when a porn site loads in the third tab and crashes the whole thing again.
Spoilers: Up to episode 2x14
Warnings: None
Author Notes: "Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history." Come on. How does one not write fic about that? We're just doing what we had to do. Also, for the curious, one of these websites is real if you take out the dashes. We are not responsible for any viruses or mental trauma you may find while trying to figure out which one it is.
1. www.hot-teen-lezzies.com
Kurt's been correcting Finn's clumsy conjugation of Spanish verbs for an hour when he finally sighs and grabs Finn's laptop from his desk. He remembers looking at a website from when he took Spanish back in junior high that had cartoons explaining verb tense. Maybe that will help.
Finn's password is "boobs," which Kurt had guessed on his second try a month ago, and when he clicks "restore session" on Finn's browser, he's less than surprised when a porn site loads in the third tab and crashes the whole thing again. Mostly he's just a little disappointed that it's so plebeian. He could at least have a little imagination, for goodness sake.
"Oh Finn," he says, "you disappoint me."
"Why this time?" Finn asks, still frowning down at his Spanish textbook.
"Hot teen lezzies? Honestly, Finn?"
"What?" Finn yelps, jerking his head up. "Wait. Where?"
"In your browser," Kurt sighs. "You should really start closing suspicious tabs once you're done, you know your mom cleans your room for you."
"My mom can barely google," Finn says, refusing to meet Kurt's eyes.
"Your mom is a lovely woman," Kurt says. "We've been getting much closer. I've been teaching her lots of things."
"Dude," Finn says, his eyes going wide. "Dude, you wouldn't."
2. www.major-facials.com
Kurt is, admittedly, snooping.
Really, it's Finn's fault. He'd overheard Finn telling his mom that he'd gotten Kurt "like, the perfect gay present. I've been thinking about it. A lot. But seriously mom, he's gonna love it, don't worry."
Kurt is worried. He has no idea what Finn would consider the perfect gay present, and he just wants to make sure he doesn't end up opening, like, gay porn in front of his father. Or, god forbid, some kind of sex toy. Kurt will never forget the look on Finn's face when Puck had explained to him, in graphic detail, exactly how a guy would use a dildo. Kurt had still been in the middle of his epic crush on Finn, and he'd gone home and jerked off guiltily to hazy thoughts of Finn and a dildo and his own ass. It wasn't his proudest moment.
But whatever. He's completely over that now. Finn's his brother now, and it's entirely possible he's going to embarrass the hell out of Kurt very, very soon, so Kurt continues his perusal of Finn's browser history. When Kurt sees "Major Facials!" in Finn's browser history, he lets out a little sigh of relief and clicks the link. He can deal with misguided skincare products, and maybe the site will even let him exchange them. What he gets when the site loads, though, is a smiling girl in pigtails with come all over her face.
Oh. That kind of major facial.
Kurt thinks briefly about continuing his search, but instead he finds a stack of dog-eared post-it notes on Finn's desk and writes, "I hope you know, Finn Hudson, that you should never come on someone's face unless they agree to it beforehand. It's horrible for the skin." He sticks it to the screen beside the smiling girl's face and takes a deep breath to steel himself before he attempts to dig around Finn's closet in search of his birthday present. Who knows what he might find in there.
3. www.allacessanal.com
The third time Kurt finds Finn's porn, it's just getting a little ridiculous.
"Finn," he groans. "Are you just completely shameless? Do you not care that you just handed me your computer to look at a cat macro while you have "All Access Anal" open in the next tab?"
"Oh," Finn says, his face going pale. "Shit, I forgot about that."
"You forg-- how did. Why did. How does one forget about the anal porn they have open and decide to look at cat macros instead? Explain your thought process to me, I'm honestly curious."
"Well, before you came down here I had the porn open because--"
"No more detail."
"But you said--"
"Get to the cat macros."
"But I kind of want to talk about it with you," Finn says.
Kurt doesn't respond. Just glares. There's no way he's discussing porn with Finn. Kurt has moved on from his crush, but he still likes to stick to a very strict set of rules around Finn. It just makes things easier. Discussing porn is not allowed.
"Fine," Finn sighs. "You looked really annoyed when you came in and you were complaining about that Thad guy never giving out solos, and it made me think of the cat macro."
Kurt smiles a little before he can help himself, because the cat macro features an annoyed looking Persian cat glaring at a canary inside of a cage. The caption says, "soon burd, ur singing days r ovar!"
"Besides," Finn says after a second, sounding nervous, "at least this time it's something you like too?"
"What?" Kurt asks, squinting at Finn. Why would Finn think he's interested in seeing girls being fucked in the ass? That's not-- Oh. Oh no. No. "Finn," he says tightly. "I'm going to go back to my room now. And we are never, ever going to mention that time you tried to bond with me over an assumed mutual interest in anal sex, okay?"
"Well, but don't you?" Finn asks, sounding curious and weirdly earnest about this. "I mean, that's how guys do it, right?"
"Never again," Kurt hisses, backing slowly out of the room while glaring at Finn just to make sure Finn gets it.
4. www.hot-busty-milfs.com
They're watching Moulin Rouge in the living room, one of the musicals Kurt had discovered Finn knew every line to but isn't allowed to tell anyone else about, when Finn's laptop makes a chiming sound and he hauls it up from the floor where he'd left it. Kurt shoves his foot away when Finn tries to wiggle his toes under Kurt's thigh - because Finn insists on keeping the ceiling fan on but refuses to wear socks and his toes get cold - when Finn chokes on a drink of Coke and spits it all over his screen.
"Not again," Kurt groans, hurriedly grabbing some tissues from the side table and leaning over Finn to wipe at his screen and keyboard. Last month Finn had laughed so hard at America's Funniest Home Videos - which Kurt didn't even know was still on - that he spit chocolate milk all over his computer and shorted out the keyboard. Kurt is not letting himself get talked into at-home keyboard repair with his dad again.
When he sops up the worst of the damage and finally looks at the screen, Kurt freezes. He's laying on Finn's legs and hovering over his stomach and there's a middle-aged woman looking right back at him from Finn's computer screen, pushing her breasts up higher than the leopard print bra she's wearing can manage. "Hot Busty MILFs!" boasts the website. "When their kids are away, these moms will play!"
"Why," Kurt moans, jerking back as fast as he can and huddling against the end of the sofa. "Finn, why?"
"This one isn't my fault!" Finn yelps. "Puck sent me an email about this awesome site he'd just jerked off to. All I did was click the link."
"Why would you..." Kurt tries, having to stop and shake his head for a moment so he can figure out what he wants to ask first. "Okay, first of all," he says a moment later, "why would Puck email you about having just jerked off? Secondly, why are you okay with that? And lastly, and I feel most importantly, why would you ever click that link?"
"Puck finds some good shit sometimes," Finn shrugs. "But also sometimes he finds scary stuff, like that site where girls sat in kiddie pools full of cereal and guys poured milk on them."
"Straight guys are so weird," Kurt says, mostly to himself.
"I'm not, like, into this," Finn says, trying and failing to defend himself. "I'm not Puck, dude. MILFs aren't my thing." Finn's using some seriously weird emphasis and he keeps staring at Kurt, like there's something Kurt's not getting, but Kurt doesn't want to get it. Not if it involves MILFs.
"Well, good," Kurt says, a little dazed, standing up from the sofa with the intention of getting far, far away from Finn and his laptop just in case Finn is lying. "Because that one lady looks exactly like your mother," Kurt hisses as he walks past Finn, because, well. He's just not that nice of a person. And she kind of does.
"Oh dude," Finn yelps from behind him. "Kurt, dude, why? Why would you say that?"
5. www.big-sausage-pizza.com
Finn hasn't responded to any of their calls of "Dinner!" so when Kurt slowly eases Finn's bedroom door open, he's half expecting to find Finn dead. It's the only thing that makes sense. What he is decidedly not expecting is Finn sitting in his desk chair with headphones on, looking at pictures of giant dicks poking up from pizza boxes. Kurt closes his eyes. When he opens them, nothing has changed. Kurt is tempted to go back downstairs and suggest that Finn's mother deal with this, but he's not actually that hateful. Yet. Finn is testing him.
Kurt fidgets, trying to decide just how emotionally scarring this is going to be, but then Finn clicks a video sample and holds his hand up to the screen to block out the girl's body and all Kurt can see is a dick, thrusting up from a hole in a pizza, and he has to stop this. Now. He stomps forward and grabs Finn's headphones off his head, tossing them hurriedly to the floor before he decides to wrap the cord around Finn's neck. They must come unplugged, though, because suddenly the room is filled with very loud moaning and grunting and the guy with his dick in a pizza is saying, "Yeah, you want that big sausage, baby? I've got some special sauce for you!" and Kurt wants to hurt Finn. A lot.
"Dude," Finn hisses, hitting buttons on his laptop frantically until the volume goes down and then turns off. "What the hell?" Finn jerks forward and hunches over his lap and then Kurt hears a zipper and oh no, oh no, Finn was not jerking off to pizza fucking, he just wasn't, because Kurt does not have time right now for the extensive therapy it would require to forget about that.
"What the hell?" Kurt yells. "You're asking me what the hell? Why are you. Dicks. Pizza. Special sauce is for hamburgers, anyway, not pizza!" For some reason that last point seems really important to Kurt right now. They could at least stick to their conceit.
"I just... wanted some pizza?" Finn tries. He's doing that thing he does when he lies, where his eyes get really big and guilty looking. Kurt just glares.
"I was curious, is all," Finn grumbles, closing the tab and shutting his laptop.
"About putting your dick in pizza?" Kurt asks, horrified. "Please don't do that."
"I'm not gonna," Finn insists, pouting.
"Why are you pouting at me right now?" Kurt asks. "In what possible universe are you the one with reason to pout?"
"You're not supporting me during a very confusing time in my life," Finn says. "I read about it on this website, about how my family and friends are supposed to be there for me."
"Every day is a very confusing time in your life, Finn," Kurt snaps. He feels a little bad when Finn looks hurt, but he has no idea what Finn's going on about and he's not entirely sure he can handle talking about Finn's dick anymore today. Especially not if he really does want to put it in pizza.
Finn's still pouting, and Kurt's just starting to feel really guilty when Burt bellows, "Great, now we've lost both of them. Get your butts up here if you want food or I'm eating this entire meatloaf on my own."
"We should get up there," Kurt says. "He's not joking, and that much red meat is horrible for his heart." Finn shrugs awkwardly and pushes past Kurt for the door.
6. www.angelfacedtwinks.com
"Okay," Finn says suddenly one day after a few weeks of mostly ignoring Kurt.
"Okay what?" Kurt asks, looking up from his magazine.
"Here," Finn says, dropping his laptop on Kurt's lap. "Look at this."
"Look at what?" Kurt snaps, because Finn just crushed the edge of his new Vogue.
"This site," Finn says. "I don't know how else to make you get it."
"If this is about porn..." Kurt says warily, because he's not sure he's ready for that.
"It's not about porn," Finn shouts. "Or pizzas, or MILFs, or whatever. You're not getting it!"
"Stop yelling at me!" Kurt yells back.
"Just look at the site, then," Finn sighs, dropping to sit down beside Kurt on his bed.
Kurt opens Finn's laptop and clicks the browser up. It's a porn site. It's a porn site called "Angel Faced Twinks" and he's looking at a photoshoot of a pale guy who has hair styled exactly like Kurt's and is slowly stripping off a private school uniform. Kurt wants to ask Finn what the hell he's doing, he really does, but his entire brain kind of freezes up and all that comes out of his mouth when he opens it is a squeak.
"Just. You wouldn't listen to me," Finn says quickly. "You wouldn't listen, but you're always catching me with porn, so I thought if you caught me with this porn that then you'd have to listen."
"Listen to what?" Kurt says, a little hysterically. "Is this-- are you making fun of me? Why are you showing me this? Why were you even looking for this? How do you even know what a twink is?"
"I know because you're one," Finn says, like that's... something he should be saying. Kurt's hand maybe twitches a little with the urge to smack Finn. "I looked it up, and then I googled 'twinks who look young' because of how you do--"
"Arrested," Kurt says flatly, his eyes a little wide. He's too confused to feel emotion. "You're going to get arrested, Finn."
"And then I saved the page as 'Kurt-a-like' because I thought he looked like you," Finn finishes, like nothing he just said is out of the ordinary.
"But why?" Kurt asks. There's really not many more reasons Kurt can think of, except for the really obvious one he refuses to let himself think about. "Did you think I'd like it or something? Finn, my ego is big, but it's not that big. Besides, my dick is bigger than his anyway," Kurt throws out at the end, desperate to turn this whole thing into some kind of joke.
"Wait," Finn says slowly, his eyes going wide before dropping to Kurt's lap. "Like the guys on that pizza site?" Finn asks, trying to slide his laptop off of Kurt's lap.
"Stop that," Kurt squawks, slapping Finn's hands away. "I told you to never mention that site again," he reminds Finn. "But yes."
Okay, fine, maybe his ego is that big.
"Oh," Finn says, smiling at him. "So are we good here, then?"
"What?" Kurt says. "No, we're not good here, I still have no idea what on earth you're--"
Finn brings his hand up and presses his finger to Kurt's lips, and Kurt freezes, blinking slowly. Finn is just staring at Kurt and it's starting to freak Kurt out until Finn's leaning in and kissing him. Finn swipes his laptop off of Kurt's lap, not even flinching when he hears it hit the carpet, and then he's kissing Kurt again, his hand big and rough on Kurt's face, his lips hesitant, and Kurt's so shocked that all he can do is make a confused noise against Finn's mouth, because. What?
Finn pulls back, looking at him, his eyes wide. "Do you get it now?" he asks. "I tried to tell you."
"No, you didn't," Kurt says. Finn's hand is still on his face. "You just looked at a lot of confusing and gross porn and then showed me pictures of a less cute porno version of me."
"I tried to use words," Finn says quietly. "You kept telling me to shut up."
"Yes, well, that's because most of the time using words doesn't work out well for you," Kurt says, sighing. Finn finally drops his hand and stares at Kurt for a few seconds before leaning back in, trying to kiss him again, but as soon as their lips touch Kurt is putting his hands on Finn's chest, gently pushing him back. Obviously something is going on here, and the only explanation that Kurt can come up with that doesn't drag up false hope from last year is that Finn hit his head really, really hard.
"Finn, what the hell is going on here? Is this-- is this all a joke?"
"What? Kurt, no. It's not-- I mean, I'm not sure I can get more obvious than kissing you, dude," Finn says softly. Kurt takes a deep breath. Then two more.
"Why do you want to kiss me?"
"Because I like you," Finn says, and when Kurt's eyes go wide Finn continues. "You were telling me about how Blaine thought he might be bi, after he kissed Rachel, and it made me think, I don't know. If Blaine's allowed to question it, why can't I?"
Kurt pointedly ignores the whole "I like you" thing for the sake of his sanity and gives Finn a searching look, but Finn doesn't look like he's just messing with Kurt. "You can't just decide to be gay, Finn, like it's going to magically solve all your girl problems. The feelings have to, you know. Be there."
"But they are there," Finn says. "I wasn't sure at first, but then I sat down and really thought about it and I realized that I liked you as more than a friend."
"Even if that was true," Kurt says, starting to feel a little panicked, "we're still brothers now." Finn can't just do this. Kurt has spent a very, very long time training himself out of thinking about Finn as anything but a brother, and Finn can't just suddenly decide he's down with Kurt's dick and kiss him and--
"Kurt?" Finn says. "Kurt, you're breathing kind of funny, are you okay?" He drops his hand to Kurt's knee and squeezes a little. Kurt takes Finn's hand and doesn't think about how warm it is at all while he pointedly moves it off of his leg.
"We're still brothers," Kurt repeats.
"Step-brothers," Finn says. "It's not against the law, I checked."
"Finn," Kurt says. "You can't just--"
"No, just. It's okay. If you don't like me. I didn't really think about that, I forgot there's Blaine now. Sometimes it's easy to forget about him because he's so little."
Kurt laughs, sudden and loud, his eyes tearing up a little, and when he blinks them away Finn's smiling at him, wide and hopeful, and oh fuck him. Fuck stupid, stupid Finn and his stupid ruining Kurt's life with his ill-timed sexuality realizations.
"It's just," Finn says uncertainly, "I liked it, last year. When you liked me, I mean. I know that's a shitty thing to say because of how I acted and everything, but it just. It kind of scared me. And with the team breathing down my neck and all the stuff with Rachel and Quinn, I couldn't-- I didn't know what to do, Kurt. I guess I figured if I ignored my feelings long enough they'd go away--"
"Finn," Kurt chokes out, his head reeling and his chest aching a little at stupid, simple Finn, but Finn puts his hand on Kurt's knee and shakes his head, going on.
"But that really didn't work out. And then I-- I hurt you, and you didn't deserve that, and then I was so focused on being popular again that I wasn't paying attention and then you were just gone. And we all miss you at school, but I miss you a lot, enough that I didn't even hesitate when you kept bringing me warm milk and asking me about my feelings--"
Kurt chokes out a laugh, leaning a little into Finn's shoulder and feeling his stomach twist up when Finn puts his arm around Kurt's shoulders, pulling him in a little closer. "Is any of this making sense, though? Maybe?"
"You really like me?" Kurt asks, and then he rolls his eyes at himself and sits up. "I mean, this isn't just you being confused and me being the easiest gay target, right? Because I can call up Blaine if you'd rather make out with him." Kurt doesn't mean to say that out loud but as soon as he does he thinks, Please don't say yes, please don't, please.
Finn grins crookedly. "Nah, it's not like I'm suddenly hot for all guys. It's pretty much just you."
"And you're sure it's not platonic? I really love some of my sweaters but I don't go around showing them sweater look-alike porn and kissing them." That sentence sounded better in Kurt's head.
"Yeah, uh, I'm pretty sure the whole, you know, jerking off and thinking about you thing made me sure," Finn says, his cheeks going a little red, and Kurt thinks he might be blushing too.
"Oh," Kurt says, his voice a little higher than he'd like it to be. "Yeah, that usually. That's usually a sign."
"Good," Finn says. "So does that mean I can kiss you again?"
Kurt rolls his eyes, and he's going to say yes but he doesn't have time to get it out before Finn's leaning back in and kissing him, less hesitant this time, and Kurt gets to enjoy it for exactly ten seconds before a horrible, horrible thought floats into his head.
"Wait," he says, pulling back and then pushing Finn off of him when Finn tries to move back in. "Wait, Finn, you didn't jerk off thinking about me while looking at that weird pizza porn, did you?"
Finn won't meet Kurt's eyes, and it takes him just a second too long to say, "It was the first thing that came up when I googled 'big dicks,' okay?"
"That doesn't answer my question, Finn," Kurt says.
Finn is decidedly silent, and his eyes keep shifting from side to side, and oh, eww. Kurt shudders, pushing Finn again just for the hell of it. "Gross, Finn," he groans, even as Finn is leaning back in and grinning sheepishly at him. "Gross."
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: R
Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Word Count: 3,700+
Summary: Finn's password is "boobs," which Kurt had guessed on his second try a month ago, and when he clicks "restore session" on Finn's browser, he's less than surprised when a porn site loads in the third tab and crashes the whole thing again.
Spoilers: Up to episode 2x14
Warnings: None
Author Notes: "Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history." Come on. How does one not write fic about that? We're just doing what we had to do. Also, for the curious, one of these websites is real if you take out the dashes. We are not responsible for any viruses or mental trauma you may find while trying to figure out which one it is.
1. www.hot-teen-lezzies.com
Kurt's been correcting Finn's clumsy conjugation of Spanish verbs for an hour when he finally sighs and grabs Finn's laptop from his desk. He remembers looking at a website from when he took Spanish back in junior high that had cartoons explaining verb tense. Maybe that will help.
Finn's password is "boobs," which Kurt had guessed on his second try a month ago, and when he clicks "restore session" on Finn's browser, he's less than surprised when a porn site loads in the third tab and crashes the whole thing again. Mostly he's just a little disappointed that it's so plebeian. He could at least have a little imagination, for goodness sake.
"Oh Finn," he says, "you disappoint me."
"Why this time?" Finn asks, still frowning down at his Spanish textbook.
"Hot teen lezzies? Honestly, Finn?"
"What?" Finn yelps, jerking his head up. "Wait. Where?"
"In your browser," Kurt sighs. "You should really start closing suspicious tabs once you're done, you know your mom cleans your room for you."
"My mom can barely google," Finn says, refusing to meet Kurt's eyes.
"Your mom is a lovely woman," Kurt says. "We've been getting much closer. I've been teaching her lots of things."
"Dude," Finn says, his eyes going wide. "Dude, you wouldn't."
2. www.major-facials.com
Kurt is, admittedly, snooping.
Really, it's Finn's fault. He'd overheard Finn telling his mom that he'd gotten Kurt "like, the perfect gay present. I've been thinking about it. A lot. But seriously mom, he's gonna love it, don't worry."
Kurt is worried. He has no idea what Finn would consider the perfect gay present, and he just wants to make sure he doesn't end up opening, like, gay porn in front of his father. Or, god forbid, some kind of sex toy. Kurt will never forget the look on Finn's face when Puck had explained to him, in graphic detail, exactly how a guy would use a dildo. Kurt had still been in the middle of his epic crush on Finn, and he'd gone home and jerked off guiltily to hazy thoughts of Finn and a dildo and his own ass. It wasn't his proudest moment.
But whatever. He's completely over that now. Finn's his brother now, and it's entirely possible he's going to embarrass the hell out of Kurt very, very soon, so Kurt continues his perusal of Finn's browser history. When Kurt sees "Major Facials!" in Finn's browser history, he lets out a little sigh of relief and clicks the link. He can deal with misguided skincare products, and maybe the site will even let him exchange them. What he gets when the site loads, though, is a smiling girl in pigtails with come all over her face.
Oh. That kind of major facial.
Kurt thinks briefly about continuing his search, but instead he finds a stack of dog-eared post-it notes on Finn's desk and writes, "I hope you know, Finn Hudson, that you should never come on someone's face unless they agree to it beforehand. It's horrible for the skin." He sticks it to the screen beside the smiling girl's face and takes a deep breath to steel himself before he attempts to dig around Finn's closet in search of his birthday present. Who knows what he might find in there.
3. www.allacessanal.com
The third time Kurt finds Finn's porn, it's just getting a little ridiculous.
"Finn," he groans. "Are you just completely shameless? Do you not care that you just handed me your computer to look at a cat macro while you have "All Access Anal" open in the next tab?"
"Oh," Finn says, his face going pale. "Shit, I forgot about that."
"You forg-- how did. Why did. How does one forget about the anal porn they have open and decide to look at cat macros instead? Explain your thought process to me, I'm honestly curious."
"Well, before you came down here I had the porn open because--"
"No more detail."
"But you said--"
"Get to the cat macros."
"But I kind of want to talk about it with you," Finn says.
Kurt doesn't respond. Just glares. There's no way he's discussing porn with Finn. Kurt has moved on from his crush, but he still likes to stick to a very strict set of rules around Finn. It just makes things easier. Discussing porn is not allowed.
"Fine," Finn sighs. "You looked really annoyed when you came in and you were complaining about that Thad guy never giving out solos, and it made me think of the cat macro."
Kurt smiles a little before he can help himself, because the cat macro features an annoyed looking Persian cat glaring at a canary inside of a cage. The caption says, "soon burd, ur singing days r ovar!"
"Besides," Finn says after a second, sounding nervous, "at least this time it's something you like too?"
"What?" Kurt asks, squinting at Finn. Why would Finn think he's interested in seeing girls being fucked in the ass? That's not-- Oh. Oh no. No. "Finn," he says tightly. "I'm going to go back to my room now. And we are never, ever going to mention that time you tried to bond with me over an assumed mutual interest in anal sex, okay?"
"Well, but don't you?" Finn asks, sounding curious and weirdly earnest about this. "I mean, that's how guys do it, right?"
"Never again," Kurt hisses, backing slowly out of the room while glaring at Finn just to make sure Finn gets it.
4. www.hot-busty-milfs.com
They're watching Moulin Rouge in the living room, one of the musicals Kurt had discovered Finn knew every line to but isn't allowed to tell anyone else about, when Finn's laptop makes a chiming sound and he hauls it up from the floor where he'd left it. Kurt shoves his foot away when Finn tries to wiggle his toes under Kurt's thigh - because Finn insists on keeping the ceiling fan on but refuses to wear socks and his toes get cold - when Finn chokes on a drink of Coke and spits it all over his screen.
"Not again," Kurt groans, hurriedly grabbing some tissues from the side table and leaning over Finn to wipe at his screen and keyboard. Last month Finn had laughed so hard at America's Funniest Home Videos - which Kurt didn't even know was still on - that he spit chocolate milk all over his computer and shorted out the keyboard. Kurt is not letting himself get talked into at-home keyboard repair with his dad again.
When he sops up the worst of the damage and finally looks at the screen, Kurt freezes. He's laying on Finn's legs and hovering over his stomach and there's a middle-aged woman looking right back at him from Finn's computer screen, pushing her breasts up higher than the leopard print bra she's wearing can manage. "Hot Busty MILFs!" boasts the website. "When their kids are away, these moms will play!"
"Why," Kurt moans, jerking back as fast as he can and huddling against the end of the sofa. "Finn, why?"
"This one isn't my fault!" Finn yelps. "Puck sent me an email about this awesome site he'd just jerked off to. All I did was click the link."
"Why would you..." Kurt tries, having to stop and shake his head for a moment so he can figure out what he wants to ask first. "Okay, first of all," he says a moment later, "why would Puck email you about having just jerked off? Secondly, why are you okay with that? And lastly, and I feel most importantly, why would you ever click that link?"
"Puck finds some good shit sometimes," Finn shrugs. "But also sometimes he finds scary stuff, like that site where girls sat in kiddie pools full of cereal and guys poured milk on them."
"Straight guys are so weird," Kurt says, mostly to himself.
"I'm not, like, into this," Finn says, trying and failing to defend himself. "I'm not Puck, dude. MILFs aren't my thing." Finn's using some seriously weird emphasis and he keeps staring at Kurt, like there's something Kurt's not getting, but Kurt doesn't want to get it. Not if it involves MILFs.
"Well, good," Kurt says, a little dazed, standing up from the sofa with the intention of getting far, far away from Finn and his laptop just in case Finn is lying. "Because that one lady looks exactly like your mother," Kurt hisses as he walks past Finn, because, well. He's just not that nice of a person. And she kind of does.
"Oh dude," Finn yelps from behind him. "Kurt, dude, why? Why would you say that?"
5. www.big-sausage-pizza.com
Finn hasn't responded to any of their calls of "Dinner!" so when Kurt slowly eases Finn's bedroom door open, he's half expecting to find Finn dead. It's the only thing that makes sense. What he is decidedly not expecting is Finn sitting in his desk chair with headphones on, looking at pictures of giant dicks poking up from pizza boxes. Kurt closes his eyes. When he opens them, nothing has changed. Kurt is tempted to go back downstairs and suggest that Finn's mother deal with this, but he's not actually that hateful. Yet. Finn is testing him.
Kurt fidgets, trying to decide just how emotionally scarring this is going to be, but then Finn clicks a video sample and holds his hand up to the screen to block out the girl's body and all Kurt can see is a dick, thrusting up from a hole in a pizza, and he has to stop this. Now. He stomps forward and grabs Finn's headphones off his head, tossing them hurriedly to the floor before he decides to wrap the cord around Finn's neck. They must come unplugged, though, because suddenly the room is filled with very loud moaning and grunting and the guy with his dick in a pizza is saying, "Yeah, you want that big sausage, baby? I've got some special sauce for you!" and Kurt wants to hurt Finn. A lot.
"Dude," Finn hisses, hitting buttons on his laptop frantically until the volume goes down and then turns off. "What the hell?" Finn jerks forward and hunches over his lap and then Kurt hears a zipper and oh no, oh no, Finn was not jerking off to pizza fucking, he just wasn't, because Kurt does not have time right now for the extensive therapy it would require to forget about that.
"What the hell?" Kurt yells. "You're asking me what the hell? Why are you. Dicks. Pizza. Special sauce is for hamburgers, anyway, not pizza!" For some reason that last point seems really important to Kurt right now. They could at least stick to their conceit.
"I just... wanted some pizza?" Finn tries. He's doing that thing he does when he lies, where his eyes get really big and guilty looking. Kurt just glares.
"I was curious, is all," Finn grumbles, closing the tab and shutting his laptop.
"About putting your dick in pizza?" Kurt asks, horrified. "Please don't do that."
"I'm not gonna," Finn insists, pouting.
"Why are you pouting at me right now?" Kurt asks. "In what possible universe are you the one with reason to pout?"
"You're not supporting me during a very confusing time in my life," Finn says. "I read about it on this website, about how my family and friends are supposed to be there for me."
"Every day is a very confusing time in your life, Finn," Kurt snaps. He feels a little bad when Finn looks hurt, but he has no idea what Finn's going on about and he's not entirely sure he can handle talking about Finn's dick anymore today. Especially not if he really does want to put it in pizza.
Finn's still pouting, and Kurt's just starting to feel really guilty when Burt bellows, "Great, now we've lost both of them. Get your butts up here if you want food or I'm eating this entire meatloaf on my own."
"We should get up there," Kurt says. "He's not joking, and that much red meat is horrible for his heart." Finn shrugs awkwardly and pushes past Kurt for the door.
6. www.angelfacedtwinks.com
"Okay," Finn says suddenly one day after a few weeks of mostly ignoring Kurt.
"Okay what?" Kurt asks, looking up from his magazine.
"Here," Finn says, dropping his laptop on Kurt's lap. "Look at this."
"Look at what?" Kurt snaps, because Finn just crushed the edge of his new Vogue.
"This site," Finn says. "I don't know how else to make you get it."
"If this is about porn..." Kurt says warily, because he's not sure he's ready for that.
"It's not about porn," Finn shouts. "Or pizzas, or MILFs, or whatever. You're not getting it!"
"Stop yelling at me!" Kurt yells back.
"Just look at the site, then," Finn sighs, dropping to sit down beside Kurt on his bed.
Kurt opens Finn's laptop and clicks the browser up. It's a porn site. It's a porn site called "Angel Faced Twinks" and he's looking at a photoshoot of a pale guy who has hair styled exactly like Kurt's and is slowly stripping off a private school uniform. Kurt wants to ask Finn what the hell he's doing, he really does, but his entire brain kind of freezes up and all that comes out of his mouth when he opens it is a squeak.
"Just. You wouldn't listen to me," Finn says quickly. "You wouldn't listen, but you're always catching me with porn, so I thought if you caught me with this porn that then you'd have to listen."
"Listen to what?" Kurt says, a little hysterically. "Is this-- are you making fun of me? Why are you showing me this? Why were you even looking for this? How do you even know what a twink is?"
"I know because you're one," Finn says, like that's... something he should be saying. Kurt's hand maybe twitches a little with the urge to smack Finn. "I looked it up, and then I googled 'twinks who look young' because of how you do--"
"Arrested," Kurt says flatly, his eyes a little wide. He's too confused to feel emotion. "You're going to get arrested, Finn."
"And then I saved the page as 'Kurt-a-like' because I thought he looked like you," Finn finishes, like nothing he just said is out of the ordinary.
"But why?" Kurt asks. There's really not many more reasons Kurt can think of, except for the really obvious one he refuses to let himself think about. "Did you think I'd like it or something? Finn, my ego is big, but it's not that big. Besides, my dick is bigger than his anyway," Kurt throws out at the end, desperate to turn this whole thing into some kind of joke.
"Wait," Finn says slowly, his eyes going wide before dropping to Kurt's lap. "Like the guys on that pizza site?" Finn asks, trying to slide his laptop off of Kurt's lap.
"Stop that," Kurt squawks, slapping Finn's hands away. "I told you to never mention that site again," he reminds Finn. "But yes."
Okay, fine, maybe his ego is that big.
"Oh," Finn says, smiling at him. "So are we good here, then?"
"What?" Kurt says. "No, we're not good here, I still have no idea what on earth you're--"
Finn brings his hand up and presses his finger to Kurt's lips, and Kurt freezes, blinking slowly. Finn is just staring at Kurt and it's starting to freak Kurt out until Finn's leaning in and kissing him. Finn swipes his laptop off of Kurt's lap, not even flinching when he hears it hit the carpet, and then he's kissing Kurt again, his hand big and rough on Kurt's face, his lips hesitant, and Kurt's so shocked that all he can do is make a confused noise against Finn's mouth, because. What?
Finn pulls back, looking at him, his eyes wide. "Do you get it now?" he asks. "I tried to tell you."
"No, you didn't," Kurt says. Finn's hand is still on his face. "You just looked at a lot of confusing and gross porn and then showed me pictures of a less cute porno version of me."
"I tried to use words," Finn says quietly. "You kept telling me to shut up."
"Yes, well, that's because most of the time using words doesn't work out well for you," Kurt says, sighing. Finn finally drops his hand and stares at Kurt for a few seconds before leaning back in, trying to kiss him again, but as soon as their lips touch Kurt is putting his hands on Finn's chest, gently pushing him back. Obviously something is going on here, and the only explanation that Kurt can come up with that doesn't drag up false hope from last year is that Finn hit his head really, really hard.
"Finn, what the hell is going on here? Is this-- is this all a joke?"
"What? Kurt, no. It's not-- I mean, I'm not sure I can get more obvious than kissing you, dude," Finn says softly. Kurt takes a deep breath. Then two more.
"Why do you want to kiss me?"
"Because I like you," Finn says, and when Kurt's eyes go wide Finn continues. "You were telling me about how Blaine thought he might be bi, after he kissed Rachel, and it made me think, I don't know. If Blaine's allowed to question it, why can't I?"
Kurt pointedly ignores the whole "I like you" thing for the sake of his sanity and gives Finn a searching look, but Finn doesn't look like he's just messing with Kurt. "You can't just decide to be gay, Finn, like it's going to magically solve all your girl problems. The feelings have to, you know. Be there."
"But they are there," Finn says. "I wasn't sure at first, but then I sat down and really thought about it and I realized that I liked you as more than a friend."
"Even if that was true," Kurt says, starting to feel a little panicked, "we're still brothers now." Finn can't just do this. Kurt has spent a very, very long time training himself out of thinking about Finn as anything but a brother, and Finn can't just suddenly decide he's down with Kurt's dick and kiss him and--
"Kurt?" Finn says. "Kurt, you're breathing kind of funny, are you okay?" He drops his hand to Kurt's knee and squeezes a little. Kurt takes Finn's hand and doesn't think about how warm it is at all while he pointedly moves it off of his leg.
"We're still brothers," Kurt repeats.
"Step-brothers," Finn says. "It's not against the law, I checked."
"Finn," Kurt says. "You can't just--"
"No, just. It's okay. If you don't like me. I didn't really think about that, I forgot there's Blaine now. Sometimes it's easy to forget about him because he's so little."
Kurt laughs, sudden and loud, his eyes tearing up a little, and when he blinks them away Finn's smiling at him, wide and hopeful, and oh fuck him. Fuck stupid, stupid Finn and his stupid ruining Kurt's life with his ill-timed sexuality realizations.
"It's just," Finn says uncertainly, "I liked it, last year. When you liked me, I mean. I know that's a shitty thing to say because of how I acted and everything, but it just. It kind of scared me. And with the team breathing down my neck and all the stuff with Rachel and Quinn, I couldn't-- I didn't know what to do, Kurt. I guess I figured if I ignored my feelings long enough they'd go away--"
"Finn," Kurt chokes out, his head reeling and his chest aching a little at stupid, simple Finn, but Finn puts his hand on Kurt's knee and shakes his head, going on.
"But that really didn't work out. And then I-- I hurt you, and you didn't deserve that, and then I was so focused on being popular again that I wasn't paying attention and then you were just gone. And we all miss you at school, but I miss you a lot, enough that I didn't even hesitate when you kept bringing me warm milk and asking me about my feelings--"
Kurt chokes out a laugh, leaning a little into Finn's shoulder and feeling his stomach twist up when Finn puts his arm around Kurt's shoulders, pulling him in a little closer. "Is any of this making sense, though? Maybe?"
"You really like me?" Kurt asks, and then he rolls his eyes at himself and sits up. "I mean, this isn't just you being confused and me being the easiest gay target, right? Because I can call up Blaine if you'd rather make out with him." Kurt doesn't mean to say that out loud but as soon as he does he thinks, Please don't say yes, please don't, please.
Finn grins crookedly. "Nah, it's not like I'm suddenly hot for all guys. It's pretty much just you."
"And you're sure it's not platonic? I really love some of my sweaters but I don't go around showing them sweater look-alike porn and kissing them." That sentence sounded better in Kurt's head.
"Yeah, uh, I'm pretty sure the whole, you know, jerking off and thinking about you thing made me sure," Finn says, his cheeks going a little red, and Kurt thinks he might be blushing too.
"Oh," Kurt says, his voice a little higher than he'd like it to be. "Yeah, that usually. That's usually a sign."
"Good," Finn says. "So does that mean I can kiss you again?"
Kurt rolls his eyes, and he's going to say yes but he doesn't have time to get it out before Finn's leaning back in and kissing him, less hesitant this time, and Kurt gets to enjoy it for exactly ten seconds before a horrible, horrible thought floats into his head.
"Wait," he says, pulling back and then pushing Finn off of him when Finn tries to move back in. "Wait, Finn, you didn't jerk off thinking about me while looking at that weird pizza porn, did you?"
Finn won't meet Kurt's eyes, and it takes him just a second too long to say, "It was the first thing that came up when I googled 'big dicks,' okay?"
"That doesn't answer my question, Finn," Kurt says.
Finn is decidedly silent, and his eyes keep shifting from side to side, and oh, eww. Kurt shudders, pushing Finn again just for the hell of it. "Gross, Finn," he groans, even as Finn is leaning back in and grinning sheepishly at him. "Gross."