You Can Call Me Al, Chris & Darren, PG-13, 2/2
Link to part 1
"You're not wearing that," Chris says, pushing past Darren when he answers the door in an ironic t-shirt and jeans that, while doing awesome things for his ass, look like they're from 1996.
"Why not?" Darren asks. "I don't want to get too fancy, I'll look like I'm trying to hard."
"I'm not saying you should wear a tux," Chris says, heading straight for Darren's bedroom. "But you're not wearing a shirt with ninjas on it."
"I can't believe you, of all people, would knock a ninja shirt," Darren says, following him into the bedroom. "It's like I don't know you at all."
"There's a time and a place," Chris says. "Now take it off."
"I've had dreams like this," Darren says, wiggling his eyebrows. "You in my bedroom, demanding that I take off all my clothes..."
"Who hasn't," Joey says, stopping in the doorway. He's eating a sandwich that's about as tall as Darren, and Chris is pretty impressed. "Are you two still doing that weird wingman thing?"
"Told you it was weird," Chris tells Darren before opening his closet. "And yes."
"Has he actually scored anyone for you?" Joey asks, wandering in and sitting down on Darren's bed. "He used to be good at it in college, but that was more accidental than actual skill."
"Whatever," Darren says, crossing his arms over his bare chest. "I'm the reason you're not a virgin."
"You should tell me that story," Chris says, thumbing through hanger after hanger of old t-shirts and unfortunate vests. "Especially if you mean you're directly responsible." Joey starts to laugh so hard he chokes on a bite of his sandwich.
"No, no, it's just he always had tons of girl friends with obvious crushes and he'd just sit around and talk about fucking Mulan and the beauty of the night sky and shit, and they'd eventually get frustrated and give up. It was the perfect in. All I had to do was talk about what a jerk Darren was--"
"Fuck you, dickbag," Darren says. "I'm not a jerk because I didn't immediately jump into bed with every girl I knew."
"Whatever, I'm not complaining, it worked out well for me," Joey says with a shrug. "No Mulan, though. Chris? No Mulan," Joey says.
"Don't worry," Chris says, pulling out a button down and a decent vest. "I'll do all the talking, and all he has to do is not fuck it up."
"Godspeed," Joey says, saluting with his sandwich as he gets off the bed and heads for the door.
"Here," Chris says, handing the clothes over to Darren. "Where do you keep your sluttiest jeans?"
"Back of the closet, but not the black ones, I literally can't breathe in those," Darren says. "So hey, what are you going to tell the girls?"
"Hmm?" Chris asks, spotting a hanger with a few scarves and reaching for the purple one.
"You know, my talking points. I'm assuming handsome and charming are in the mix, but you should work in some fun facts too."
"Maybe I'll tell them about that time you were tied to a bed in women's underwear," Chris says, tossing a pair of dark wash jeans at Darren.
"No," Darren says, shimmying out of his jeans and starting the slow process of wiggling into the tighter ones. "I was thinking more like, 'He's fluent in six languages, and one of them is snuggles,'" Darren says, huffing as he tugs the jeans over his hips.
"I am not saying that," Chris says, rolling his eyes.
"You could say cuddles instead," Darren suggests. "Or maybe oral sex."
"No," Chris says, holding the scarf up to Darren's shirt after he's gotten his jeans buttoned. "Here, wear this."
"But it's not even cold," Darren says, sounding confused.
"It's an accessory," Chris says slowly.
"But what if my neck gets hot?"
"Why do I even try?" Chris sighs, wrapping the scarf around his own neck instead. "I'm keeping this as a stylist's fee, now come on. And don't wear those brown shoes, either."
-
"The bar here is awesome, I can't believe I've never been here before," Darren yells near Chris's ear, and Chris winces, hoping it'll be quieter upstairs.
"Yeah, you maybe don't want to spend the entire night sitting at the bar, Darren. When you get smashed you tend to talk about Avatar and Dumbledore and, like, nothing else."
"They're good topics," Darren says defensively, and Chris drags Darren up the stairs, hiding his smile. There's a pretty awesome VIP area at this bar and Chris is not above using that to impress the ladies. First he has to find the ladies, though, so he walks over to the railing and pushes the sheer curtains away, staring down at the crowd.
"The girl in the purple shirt is really hot," Darren says, pressing himself to Chris's side and pointing. It takes Chris a second, but then he spots who Darren is talking about and rolls his eyes.
"She is, and I'm sure her girlfriend thinks so too."
"What? Stop fucking with me," Darren says, frowning.
"Is this a joke? Darren, she's gay," he says, gently elbowing Darren so he'll pay attention and stop pouting. "Look, that other girl's hand is actually up her skirt. Come on."
"Do you keep bringing me to lesbian bars on purpose?" Darren asks sadly. "Is that what this is? All some cruel joke?"
"No, you just have some uncanny ability to seek out lesbians, apparently," Chris says, rolling his eyes. "If only I were a girl, then you might actually be useful." Darren cocks his head, glancing up and down Chris's body, and it takes him a second to catch on. "Oh, gross," he yelps, punching Darren's arm. "Do not picture me as a girl. That's crossing like ten lines at once, I'm pretty sure."
"You'd be pretty hot, though," Darren says, shrugging.
"What about her?" Chris asks, pointedly ignoring him. "Over there at the end of the bar, with the short brown hair and the blue dress."
"She's straight, right?" Darren asks cautiously. "This isn't a trick question?"
"Not even I am good enough to convince a lesbian to have sex with you, Darren, now focus," Chris says. "Yes or no?"
"Definite yes," Darren says, nodding appreciatively. "Make this happen."
"Hold on, pervert," Chris says. "There's an art to this. I have to figure out who my character's going to be."
"Your... character? Why do you need a character?" Darren sounds vaguely worried.
"It helps," Chris says. "Don't worry, I've got a whole list I've been keeping since I agreed to this, I'm not just going to wing it. Now do you think I should be your brother, the childhood friend you heroically pulled from the railroad tracks, risking your own life to save mine, or your butler?"
"My-- what... no, Chris," Darren says, his eyes wide. "No, you cannot be my butler."
"So brother or friend?" Chris asks, impatient.
"Don't be a character," Darren says. "I am begging you. You're supposed to just wing it. That's why it's called a wingman."
"Actually, I'm pretty sure that's not--"
"Just be Chris," Darren interrupts, voice hilariously stern. "Do what you did last time, that worked perfectly."
"Yeah, but it wasn't a challenge," Chris says. "I want to feel like I worked for it."
"You are so fucking weird," Darren mumbles, shaking his head. "You can be my friend. Chris. Who does not come up with any crazy characters and scare away girls."
"Who says they'd be scared away?" Chris asks, glaring at him. He's starting to get a little mad. He worked out a pretty elaborate backstory for Nathan, the boy Darren saved from the train tracks. They were in little league together, and both loved dogs, and Darren knew about Nathan's dreams to one day walk from coast to coast with only the clothes on his back. It's why he risked everything to save him.
"Stop it," Darren says. "Stop it, motherfucker, you look terrifying right now, stop thinking up characters."
"You can prove nothing," Chris says. He's not giving Darren the satisfaction of knowing he was right. "Now, I'll be right back, cute brunette in tow."
-
It doesn't exactly go as well as Chris was hoping. The cute brunette in the blue dress apparently hates Glee and hates Kurt and tells him all about it the second he says hello. The next girl, a blond who's almost as tall as him with distractingly large boobs, only wants to talk about her modeling career. The third girl starts out okay but quickly nosedives when she asks him if his friend would be into a little light watersports.
Chris isn't actually sure if he's lying or not when he says no and politely excuses himself.
There's only one thing to do, really, and that is to ignore Darren's explicit wishes and do things his way.
-
"I can't believe you saved his life," Anna says, grabbing Darren's arm and leaning into his side on the couch.
"I did... I did," Darren says, shooting Chris a glare.
"And from a bear," she says, blinking up at him. "You must have been so brave."
"A bear," Darren says. "I... saved him from a-- okay, I can't do this. I did not save him from a bear. He made that up."
"What?" Anna says, turning to Chris. "Why would you make that up?"
"It was more interesting than 'Hi, do you want to sleep with my friend Darren?' wasn't it?" Chris says. He doesn't understand why everyone's having trouble getting this.
"Is that what you've been asking all the girls?" Darren groans, dropping his head to his hands.
"All the girls, huh?" Anna says, glaring at both of them. "Please tell me no one's fallen for this."
"No," Darren says sadly. "No, they haven't. If it helps, I was against lying from the start."
"It wasn't lying, it was storytelling," Chris points out. "I was playing a character."
"Chris, please stop talking," Darren says.
"Oh no, feel free to continue," Anna says, standing up and heading for the stairs. "I hope you two have a wonderful time with your weird roleplaying tag team adventures."
"Great job," Darren mumbles. "Really, just great."
"It could have worked," Chris says, draining the rest of his drink. He can't actually remember how many drinks he's had so far, but he doesn't want to sleep with Darren yet so he's probably good. "Give me one more shot, I'm going to tell someone you're a virgin who's good at taking instructions and looking to move up in the world."
"No. You are absolutely not going to do that, under any circumstances."
"I didn't get to try out the butler thing either," Chris says.
Darren groans, sinking back into the couch. "Chris. No. Is this payback? Is this payback for me not finding you a guy?"
"It didn't start that way," Chris says with a shrug. "I really did try at first, but I kept striking out so I figured I had nothing left to lose."
"Except my chances of getting laid and possibly my reputation," Darren sighs, taking a sip of his beer.
"You should be nicer to me," Chris says. "Or I'll go find the girl who wanted to pee on you."
"I-- what?" Darren says, tilting his head. Chris just arches an eyebrow at him.
"You heard what I said."
-
Chris wakes up to something - no, wait, that's definitely a someone - rising and falling softly under his cheek and a warm hand stroking up and down his back. He burrows closer into the squishy warmth that smells pretty nice, if a bit booze-y, and Darren laughs into his hair, rubbing slow circles at Chris's lower back.
"Oh, how the tables have turned," Darren says obnoxiously, and Chris wonders how long he's been awake, yawning into Darren's chest and letting his feet stretch out under the covers, toes curling.
"Shh, five more minutes," Chris mumbles, tightening the arm he has thrown over Darren's stomach.
"Come on, like I'm ever going to get a chance to enjoy you initiating cuddles again. Why are you so clingy, anyway? Did we do it last night?"
"Ugh, shut up, you're ruining this," Chris groans. He really hopes they didn't do it, but he's in nothing but his underwear again so it's hard to know for sure. Darren laughs quietly and strokes up his back again, rubbing at his shoulders, and Chris lets out an embarrassingly pleased groan and stretches again, arching up into Darren's hand.
"You're like a cat," Darren says. "Your hair's all fluffy too, you should see if you can purr."
"How about I see if I can scratch instead," Chris groans.
"Dirty," Darren says, sounding impressed. "Maybe we did have sex last night, you're being nicer than usual and my thighs are sore."
"Your thighs are sore because you tried to prove to me that you could do that Russian knee twirling thing," Chris says, relieved when the memory comes back to him. He was starting to worry. "You can't, by the way, and you broke my coffee table."
"Sorry dude," Darren says, stretching out beneath him and pressing his cold toes on top of Chris's feet. "You're warm. Let's just stay here all day."
"Darren, you realize we're not actually dating, right? I don't normally have day-long cuddle parties in my bed with my friends."
"Liar," Darren says around a yawn. "Lea cuddles and tells."
-
Darren definitely doesn't realize they're not actually dating. They're pretty busy with shooting for the next two weeks, and it seems like every time they get a break Darren wants to hang out. Chris has shot down his dinner, lunch, movie, play, and roller skating invitations. Not that it's exactly deterred Darren.
"Let's go bowling," he says, sitting down beside Chris in the choir room chairs and throwing his arm over his shoulder.
"No," Chris says, sighing. "Once again, we're not da--"
"I know we're not dating, okay," Darren huffs. "I just want to go bowling with my friend. Mark and Chord go bowling all the time, and they're not dating."
"Mark and Chord are in a bowling league called Balls Out, so I'd say that point is debatable."
"Christopher Colfer, why do you hurt me so?" Darren asks, dropping his head on Chris's shoulder and blinking up at him obnoxiously.
"Because you're losing sight of the mission, remember?" Chris says. "We were supposed to get each other laid, and now all you want to do is watch Rom-Coms and cuddle on my couch."
"Well yeah, but the whole wingman thing wasn't really working out. I was adapting, man," Darren says defensively.
"Just go out with him," Lea says, rolling her eyes. "You two are ignoring the obvious. If you both want to get laid and Darren wants to marry you, just sleep with each other."
"Darren's... Darren," Chris says, ignoring the way Darren's nuzzling into his arm. "Besides his continued insistence that he's straight, I'm not going to sleep with someone I work with. That would just be messy and not worth it. Too many feelings."
"Feelings are the best part!" Lea says. "Besides, don't act like you're above it. You've had boyfriends," she says, patting Chris's shoulder as she gets out of her seat and heads over to Jenna.
"You have?" Darren asks, looking surprised. "Maybe that's the problem. We don't have enough intel about each other."
"I know that you were so excited the first time you went to Disneyland that you peed your pants in front of Cinderella," Chris reminds him. "What more do I need to know?"
"Okay fine, then I don't have enough intel on you," Darren says. "You're a man of mystery. How many boyfriends have you had?"
"One or two," Chris says, shrugging. "But that has nothing to do with hooking me up."
"Yes it does," Darren says impatiently. "Now which is it, one or two?"
"Two, probably," Chris says. "I've had one actual boyfriend and two one night stands, and two one night stands equals one boyfriend, right?"
Darren actually seems to think about it for a second. "Yeah, that seems logical."
"No it doesn't," Dianna says, turning around in her seat and raising her eyebrows. "What is wrong with you two?"
"She's right, that's not how it works at all," Mark says. "You have to know if you really had a one night stand or just a hookup, because two hookups equal one one night stand, so two one night stands equals four hookups, which means you've had like... one and a half boyfriends?" Mark asks, his face scrunching up like he just confused himself.
"Well, okay," Chris says, nodding at Dianna. "I now see how ridiculous that sounded, and I apologize."
"Never apologize for getting your swerve on," Mark tells him, patting him on the shoulder. "I'm proud of you."
"Well now I just feel dirty," Chris says sadly. He isn't even sure if he wants to know what his 'swerve' is.
"Hey," Darren says, leaning in to whisper while Dianna and Mark argue over what the definition of 'one night stand' is. "Aren't you going to ask me how many boyfriends I've had?"
"I'm going to ask you to shut up now, actually." Chris just smiles when Darren pouts at him.
"Okay, so Jenna and I conferred, and you two are giant idiots who are doing it all wrong," Lea says, coming back over and sitting down in Chris's lap.
"Hello again to you too," Chris says, rolling his eyes when Lea completely ignores him.
"I know for a fact that Ashley is constantly finding you choice little theater boys and Disney actors, and you keep turning them down because you're dumb."
"That's not why I turn them down," Chris sighs.
"Wait, you're turning down Disney boys?" Darren asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Holy shit, did she ever try to set you up with Zac Efron?" Mark asks excitedly. "Because if you turned that down we can't be friends anymore."
"No," Chris says. "And I turn them down because Ashley keeps trying to hook me up with her friends and people she works with, and that's a recipe for disaster when things end."
"Why do you automatically assume things are going to end?" Darren asks. "What if one of Ashley's cute little theater boys or Disney princes is your soulmate?"
"You are so adorable," Lea says, leaning forward and kissing Darren's forehead. "The point is, I know that you have all these weird rules about things, but what if you just let Ashley wingman for you at the clubs? Then there's no attachment. Besides, she obviously knows what you like. I've seen some of those boys she brings around, I'm surprised you don't just jump them and think about the consequences later."
"Your base idea isn't a bad one," Chris says, resting his head on her shoulder. "I'm totally ignoring everything else you said, but that might work." He kind of doesn't know how he didn't think of it before. It stands to reason that Ashley's cute gay boy sonar could come in handy beyond her immediate circle of friends.
"Exactly," Lea says. "So you're going to let Ashley hook you up this weekend, and I'm going to take Darren out and get him some ass, and then you two can stop your weird little sex games."
"They're not sex games, oh my god," Chris groans, pushing at Lea's hip until she gets out of his lap. "Don't bring your fantasy life into this."
"If I was bringing my fantasy life into this, I wouldn't be selflessly offering to help," Lea says sweetly, patting him on the cheek. "Now, you get Ashley on the phone and let's make a game plan."
-
"Holy crap, how are you coming here and not getting laid? It's like a candy store full of hot gay guys," Ashley says almost as soon as they walk into the club. "This is going to be so easy, you'll probably be having sex within the hour."
"Shh," Chris hisses. "I don't want everyone to know I'm here just to hook up."
"Honey, everyone's here to hook up," Ashley says, patting his arm. "No one's going to be shocked that you're trawling for ass, I promise."
"You always know how to make things sound so special," Chris says, looking around. There's a really cute guy dancing on a table in the corner, but he's also wearing cowboy boots, so Chris unfortunately rules him out.
"Uh-uh," Ashley says, snapping her fingers to get his attention. "We have an agreement. You are are going to go get me a drink and then sit your fine little ass down while I bring the boys to you. Trust me, this is not going to be difficult. Why stop at one anyway? I could easily get you a threesome. Maybe a foursome. How many people do you need for an orgy?"
"Just the one guy, please," Chris says quickly when she starts muttering something about the difference between a gangbang and an orgy. "And please do not say the word gangbang to anyone you're trying to hook me up with."
"Where's your sense of adventure," Ashley sighs, patting him on the cheek. "You'll never know if you like gangbangs until you try one."
"She's right," says a ridiculously chiseled-looking guy who's walking past. "And for the record, I'm in favor." He winks at Chris before he disappears back into the crowd, and Ashley claps her hands.
"This is going to be a piece of cake," she says, darting in to kiss Chris's cheek before she smirks at him and heads into the crowd.
-
Chris has been sitting in the VIP area for almost an hour and has had two Shirley Temples and a Mai Tai out of pure boredom by the time Ashley finally gets back, but he takes one look at the guy following her up the steps and decides that she could have been gone for four hours and he'd still forgive her on the spot. He looks older than Chris, not that that's hard, with dark hair and dark eyes and a stubble covered jaw that is just doing the most amazing things to Chris's brain.
"Hello, gorgeous," she says, sitting down on the opposite end of the padded booth and patting the middle seat until the hot guy sits down in the middle. "Christopher, this is Gabriel," she says. "Gabriel, Christopher." Gabriel holds his hand out and Chris shakes it, caught between flushing and smirking as Gabriel gives him an obvious once over.
"Nice to meet you," Chris says, making sure to give him the smile that makes him look the least like he's twelve-years-old. He may or may not have been practicing in the mirror for a while.
"Gabriel is a model," Ashley says, not even trying to hide the pride in her voice. "He did fashion week in Madrid last year."
"Did you?" Chris asks, shooting Ashley a grin. "Are you from Spain?"
"Sometimes," Gabriel says, still looking at Chris intently enough to make him actually want to blush. "I'm from a lot of places."
"Aren't you just?" Ashley says delightedly. "Anyway, I just remembered I have to be up crazy early tomorrow for an audition, so I'll leave you two here to talk. Or dance. Or do whatever it is you'd like to do. Christopher?" Chris gets up reluctantly, following Ashley over to the edge of the steps.
"I told him you go by Christopher. He's 28, so I figured it sounded more mature than just Chris. He says he's a full time model but I heard him talking to his friend about having tomorrow off from Starbucks and wanting to hook up tonight while I was staking him out, so I'm guessing the more accurate description would be model-slash-barista. Not that it matters, because, just, look at him. Damn. Did I get you the cream of the crop or what?"
"He does seem very... creamy," Chris says, already distracted by the looks Gabriel keeps shooting at him.
"You can tell me all about it tomorrow," Ashley says, patting him on the ass and turning to head down the stairs. "You two have fun."
-
Chris isn't sure if fun is the word. It's more like they're having... intensity. Not that Chris is complaining - he's really enjoying being objectified, to be honest, but he's had about enough of grinding against Gabriel on the dance floor while he kisses Chris's neck and says random things in Spanish. Chris is considering sucking it up and being the one to make the move when a tall blond guy comes over and taps Gabriel on the shoulder, whispering something in his ear before heading off with a muscled bald guy.
"Everything okay?" Chris asks. He's going to set something on fire if he just stumbled into the middle of someone's relationship drama.
"I guess it depends," Gabriel says, leaning in to whisper in his ear and sliding his hand to rest low on Chris's back, pressing his hips forward. "That was my roommate. He wants the apartment tonight."
"That's not a problem," Chris says, turning his head to the side when Gabriel kisses down his neck, stubble scratching at his skin. Chris doesn't even think before saying, "I have my own place."
"Is that you inviting me back to it?" Gabriel asks, rolling his hips down. He's just hard enough that Chris can feel him through his pants, and Chris forgets to respond in favor of dragging Gabriel toward the exit. He figures that's clear enough, when it comes down to it.
-
Chris wakes up to stubble scratching at his shoulder, and he's just about to turn over and push Darren off of him when he remembers last night all in one blurry, sexy rush, and instead he cuddles back against Gabriel, grinning to himself when Gabriel's cock digs into the small of his back. "Good morning to me," Chris sings happily to himself, and he's considering waking Gabriel up for round two - three? - round three, when the doorbell rings.
"No," Chris says resolutely to his pillow. Gabriel grumbles behind him and pulls Chris closer, wiggling forward and rubbing his cock against Chris's ass.
"Good morning," he says gruffly. "Round three?"
"I am totally sending Ashley a fruit basket," Chris sighs as Gabriel slides his hand down from Chris's stomach and wraps it around his cock. Which is when his doorbell rings. Again. And it doesn't stop this time, like someone is obnoxiously leaning on it just to be a total dick. "Darren," he hisses.
"Gabriel," Gabriel says. "Ignore it."
"No, I mean-- just stay here," Chris groans, climbing out of bed and pulling on his underwear and robe. "I mean it," he says, turning around and pointing at Gabriel. "Right there. Don't move. I will be back." Gabriel nods, blatantly staring at Chris's cock through his underwear, and Chris grins before pulling his robe shut and heading for his front door.
"What," he snaps, turning the locks and throwing the door open. "What do you want."
"I brought donuts," Darren says, holding up a box and smiling innocently. "I wanted to see how last night went."
"It went wonderfully, which is why I can't believe you're here, ringing my doorbell first thing in the morning when you know I got laid."
"It's noon," Darren says. "Besides, I got laid too! That's why I brought donuts. These are celebratory donuts, celebrating the fact that we got laid!" He holds his hand up for a high five, and Chris is debating just how rude it would be to leave him hanging and steal the donuts when Darren's eyes go wide and Chris feels arms slide around his waist.
"Hello, Christopher's friend," Gabriel says, hooking his chin over Chris's shoulder. "Christopher is busy."
"Yes," Darren says. "Yes, I see that now. Sleepover, huh? Nice," he stage-whispers to Chris. Chris can actually see the effort it's taking for Darren to keep his hand by his side and not go for another high five.
"I'll call you later," Chris says, flushing a little when Gabriel not-so-subtly grinds against his ass and starts to kiss at the side of his neck. "Congratulations."
"Yeah," Darren says, his eyes still a little too wide and something like a smirk tugging at his lips. "Yeah, you too."
-
"Stop waking me up," Chris whines into the phone a little while later. He tried to ignore it but there's only so many times he can listen to Sexy Back before he snaps. "I was napping. It was the best nap."
"I was calling to make sure you're still alive," Darren says. "You could have died from any number of sex related injuries by now. Or dehydration."
"I always stay well hydrated during sex," Chris mumbles absently, stretching his legs out under the sheets. "Your concern is for naught."
"Did you just say naught?" Darren asks, sounding amused. "How well fucked are you?"
"Everything's beautiful," Chris says happily, stretching some more and not even caring how sore he is. "I forgive you for waking me up."
"Really, really well fucked then," Darren says, and he pauses just a little too long. Chris's eyes snap open. "Really well fucked."
"Stop saying that," Chris groans. "Don't be weird about this."
"I'm not being weird. I'm happy for you," Darren says. "Although I didn't think he was really your type. He seemed kind of smarmy. And having seen him naked, I just think you could do better."
"Darren," Chris says slowly, making sure to enunciate. "Stop being weird."
"I'm not being weird," Darren insists again. "I'm just looking out for you."
"Uh huh," Chris yawns. "What about your night? You've been so distracted with my sex life you haven't even mentioned yours."
"Lea is... kind of terrifying," Darren says. "I thought for sure she was just picking up girls for herself, but then she brought someone back. Her name's Sarah, she's awesome."
"That's all I get? She's awesome? You saw Gabriel's dick, this hardly seems like a fair trade-off."
"Well maybe you should have cared about me and come to my house and then you could have seen Sarah's boobs. Maybe. The point is, it's not my fault I'm a better friend than you."
"You have such strange ideas about friendship," Chris says, turning onto his back and sighing up at his ceiling. "What time is it?"
"It's like eight," Darren says. "That must have been some really good sex if you can't even tell time."
"I was taking a nap," Chris says. "Fuck, I'm hungry. All I've eaten today is like two bites of a banana."
"Is that a eu--"
"No," Chris says quickly, rubbing his hand over his face. "No, I can't take bananas equal dick jokes right now. I'm going to hang up on you and then go eat something and then we can go back to not being friends who have a vested interest in each other's sex lives."
"But I'll miss you," Darren says, sounding genuinely sad.
"We see each other almost every day," Chris points out gently.
"It's not the same. I had so much fun as your wingman."
"All either of us ever did was drink and strike out and then fall asleep," Chris reminds him.
"I know," Darren sighs. "It was so nice."
Chris pauses. "Were you just using the whole wingman thing as an excuse to sleep with me?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. It's all starting to make sense, although Chris isn't sure if he should be flattered or kind of creeped out. Either way, he's completely unsurprised.
"It was definitely a perk," Darren says. "I'm not gonna lie."
"I hate you," Chris says, smiling fondly at the phone before he realizes what he's doing. "I'm going to take a shower. If you can get here with a pizza by the time I'm out I'll watch Dreamgirls with you."
"Holy shit, seriously?" Darren asks. "I thought you said never again after that time I sang And I Am Telling You to you and broke that vase." Chris must be going soft, because he actually finds Darren's excitement endearing. Or maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome. They really do have a weird friendship.
"Don't make me change my mind," Chris says. "And I'm not promising anything, but if you get wings too I might even let you watch it in bed with me. But no spooning," he adds quickly.
"Did you wash your sheets after your sexcapades?" Darren asks. "Actually no, I don't care. This is too important of a moment. If I have to sit in dried jizz to be with you I'll do it, Chris. That's how much you mean to me."
"Fuck you," Chris says, rolling his eyes and trying to pretend he isn't smiling. "Now you have to get breadsticks too."
"If I get breadsticks too can I negotiate for spooning?" Darren asks. "I'll keep my pants on this time and everything."
"You always say that," Chris sighs. "And yet."
"Oh please, like I'm going to take my pants off and roll around in your jizz-covered bed."
"You say that like it would be the first time you've rolled around pantsless on a jizz-covered bed," Chris says. He doesn't know for sure, but it seems like a pretty good bet.
"I've really got to stop letting you hang out with Joey," Darren mumbles.
"Knew it," Chris says happily to himself.
"Go shower, fucker." Darren says. "I'm already in my car, and if I get there before you're done I'm going to break into your house and feed you breadsticks while you wash your balls."
"That might be the weirdest threat you've ever made," Chris says, groaning a little as he hauls himself up from his bed and heads for his bathroom. That really was an awesome nap.
"Nah," Darren says. "Just the weirdest threat I've ever made about your balls."
"Stop talking about my balls," Chris says, turning on the water. "And to think I was considering washing my sheets for you and everything."
Darren huffs. "I wasn't talking about just your balls, I was--"
"Okay, I can't actually talk to you while I'm in the shower," Chris says with a short laugh, leaning back against the sink. "I'm hanging up now, Darren."
"Okay," Darren says, faking a long-suffering sigh. "Have fun. Don't drown. I love you."
Chris grins to himself, turning on the showerhead. "See you later, Darren."