The Merriest Bunch of Assholes In The World
A prezzie for our flister, who does some of the best Katie/Naomi out there, and requested a bit of a road trip scenario. Which I have turned into a vague train trip scenario. Hope this is a little piece of what you had in mind, pal!
"You're sure this will be okay," Naomi hazards, peering sidelong at Katie with a spectacular quirk of her eyebrow.
Katie's determined silence causes Naomi to shift in her seat, fixing narrowed eyes upon her girlfriend, who continues to be quiet until Naomi prompts impatiently, "No tantrums from your mum, no lectures from your dad about my body mass index-"
Katie cuts her off with a scathing look and closes the copy of Heat in her lap with a decisive slap. She had hoped the two vodka tonics Naomi had swallowed at lunch would absorb any last minute agitation about spending the holidays with the Fitch family.
Raking her fingers down Naomi's arm in a calming rhythm that belies her question, she asks, "When did I ever say this wouldn't be fucking painful, hun?"
Naomi's eyes widen, revealing the spread of insidious tendrils of panic, and she spits wildly, "When I bought the fucking ticket from London, Katie."
Katie picks up her magazine again, balancing it against the peak of her crossed knees, and replies sharply, "Well, that was a month ago, wasn't it, babes?"
Naomi fumbles with one hand for her pack of cigarettes, tucked somewhere in her massively ill-fitted jacket that Katie has tried on more than one occasion to give to charity. Flipping the carton open, only to inhale the scent with her eyes clenched shut, Naomi breathes deeply, her nostrils flaring slightly as a calm descends over her.
Katie is leaning over with the intent of snogging her, good and proper, when Naomi declares darkly, "If your dad says one word about my glutes I'm fucking right off to Eff's."
Katie rolls her eyes at the ultimatum and tosses the magazine onto the facing seat, where it lands with a thump before sliding onto the floor of the compartment.
Glaring at Naomi's profile, Katie says, "Untwist your knickers, you twat. He said they were nice enough- you just need some definition. And, I defended you, yeah?"
Opening one eye and managing to roll it witheringly, Naomi scoffs, "Oh, that helped loads. Your mum loved hearing about my naked arse over dessert. I thought your granddad had a fucking heart attack."
Unable to conceal a mortified smile, Katie reminds, "James enjoyed himself."
Naomi gives a long-suffering sigh and grunts, "So long as James enjoys himself. I owe the little shit for last year, anyway. I paid him a tenner to keep your mum out in the garden and he used the money for condoms; like he needs them."
While Katie's cringing over the cheeky little pervert, Naomi moans pitifully, "It's bad enough your mum hates me for gaying you up. Now, she thinks I'm encouraging your brother's perversions. We should've stayed and had Christmas in London."
Katie thumps Naomi on the arm, gritting out, “First, you can’t have Christmas in your bloody dorm room, you cow. They shut the heat off, and you know I hate going all goosefleshy when you’re down there. Two; Emily’s bringing her girlfriend. Mum’s going to have a new scapegoat, yeah? Let them take the piss out of her this year.”
Katie is expecting Naomi's gratitude. It hadn't been fucking easy to convince Ems to bring the new girlfriend home for the holidays. Seeing Naomi subjected to their parents' embarrassing attempts to become post-lesbian modern parents had sworn Emily off of holidays at home for the last several years. It had taken a lot of finesse and like, guilt, to get Emily to agree.
Katie isn’t expecting Naomi to sigh hopelessly and reach for her cigarettes again.
Gearing up for the possible argument, Katie says tersely, “What the fuck do you have to be upset about? None of my ex- boyfriends are going to be sleeping down the hall.”
“Shut up, Katie. You know that’s in the past,” Naomi murmurs. “It’s the girlfriend I don’t like; Andromeda. Who the fuck is named Andromeda?”
Ignoring Naomi’s surliness, and relaxing into her seat, Katie points out, “Babes, be honest. You hate her because she gets better marks than you.”
Naomi’s lips thin and she glares at Katie, muttering moodily, “Fuck her, anyway.”
Katie grins and can’t keep herself from leaning over the armrest to plant a quick kiss on Naomi. When she pulls away, Naomi’s mouth is lifting slightly at the corner, but Katie can tell that Naomi is trying very hard to keep scowling.
Katie soothes in a wheedling tone, “Mum’s going to make a complete wanker of herself, you know.”
Grudgingly, a smile appears on Naomi’s pink lips and she agrees quickly, "She does excel at being a cunt."
Tipping her head to the side, Katie grins saucily at Naomi and says, “Guess you know where I learned it from.”
Reaching her hand out to cover Katie’s knee, Naomi cocks an eyebrow and says in a measured tone, “To be fair, you never locked me outside for an hour whilst pretending to go deaf.”
Feigning obtuseness, Katie questions, “Have I not?”
At Naomi’s answering shake of her head, Katie says, “Seems like a good way to shut you up, actually."
Leaning closer to Katie, she reaches across as if to remove something from the purse on Katie’s other side, totally aware of the way her arm brushes against the swell of Katie’s breasts.
Murmuring lowly, she teases, “Don’t pretend you don’t know better ways to shut me up.”
"You're sure this will be okay," Naomi hazards, peering sidelong at Katie with a spectacular quirk of her eyebrow.
Katie's determined silence causes Naomi to shift in her seat, fixing narrowed eyes upon her girlfriend, who continues to be quiet until Naomi prompts impatiently, "No tantrums from your mum, no lectures from your dad about my body mass index-"
Katie cuts her off with a scathing look and closes the copy of Heat in her lap with a decisive slap. She had hoped the two vodka tonics Naomi had swallowed at lunch would absorb any last minute agitation about spending the holidays with the Fitch family.
Raking her fingers down Naomi's arm in a calming rhythm that belies her question, she asks, "When did I ever say this wouldn't be fucking painful, hun?"
Naomi's eyes widen, revealing the spread of insidious tendrils of panic, and she spits wildly, "When I bought the fucking ticket from London, Katie."
Katie picks up her magazine again, balancing it against the peak of her crossed knees, and replies sharply, "Well, that was a month ago, wasn't it, babes?"
Naomi fumbles with one hand for her pack of cigarettes, tucked somewhere in her massively ill-fitted jacket that Katie has tried on more than one occasion to give to charity. Flipping the carton open, only to inhale the scent with her eyes clenched shut, Naomi breathes deeply, her nostrils flaring slightly as a calm descends over her.
Katie is leaning over with the intent of snogging her, good and proper, when Naomi declares darkly, "If your dad says one word about my glutes I'm fucking right off to Eff's."
Katie rolls her eyes at the ultimatum and tosses the magazine onto the facing seat, where it lands with a thump before sliding onto the floor of the compartment.
Glaring at Naomi's profile, Katie says, "Untwist your knickers, you twat. He said they were nice enough- you just need some definition. And, I defended you, yeah?"
Opening one eye and managing to roll it witheringly, Naomi scoffs, "Oh, that helped loads. Your mum loved hearing about my naked arse over dessert. I thought your granddad had a fucking heart attack."
Unable to conceal a mortified smile, Katie reminds, "James enjoyed himself."
Naomi gives a long-suffering sigh and grunts, "So long as James enjoys himself. I owe the little shit for last year, anyway. I paid him a tenner to keep your mum out in the garden and he used the money for condoms; like he needs them."
While Katie's cringing over the cheeky little pervert, Naomi moans pitifully, "It's bad enough your mum hates me for gaying you up. Now, she thinks I'm encouraging your brother's perversions. We should've stayed and had Christmas in London."
Katie thumps Naomi on the arm, gritting out, “First, you can’t have Christmas in your bloody dorm room, you cow. They shut the heat off, and you know I hate going all goosefleshy when you’re down there. Two; Emily’s bringing her girlfriend. Mum’s going to have a new scapegoat, yeah? Let them take the piss out of her this year.”
Katie is expecting Naomi's gratitude. It hadn't been fucking easy to convince Ems to bring the new girlfriend home for the holidays. Seeing Naomi subjected to their parents' embarrassing attempts to become post-lesbian modern parents had sworn Emily off of holidays at home for the last several years. It had taken a lot of finesse and like, guilt, to get Emily to agree.
Katie isn’t expecting Naomi to sigh hopelessly and reach for her cigarettes again.
Gearing up for the possible argument, Katie says tersely, “What the fuck do you have to be upset about? None of my ex- boyfriends are going to be sleeping down the hall.”
“Shut up, Katie. You know that’s in the past,” Naomi murmurs. “It’s the girlfriend I don’t like; Andromeda. Who the fuck is named Andromeda?”
Ignoring Naomi’s surliness, and relaxing into her seat, Katie points out, “Babes, be honest. You hate her because she gets better marks than you.”
Naomi’s lips thin and she glares at Katie, muttering moodily, “Fuck her, anyway.”
Katie grins and can’t keep herself from leaning over the armrest to plant a quick kiss on Naomi. When she pulls away, Naomi’s mouth is lifting slightly at the corner, but Katie can tell that Naomi is trying very hard to keep scowling.
Katie soothes in a wheedling tone, “Mum’s going to make a complete wanker of herself, you know.”
Grudgingly, a smile appears on Naomi’s pink lips and she agrees quickly, "She does excel at being a cunt."
Tipping her head to the side, Katie grins saucily at Naomi and says, “Guess you know where I learned it from.”
Reaching her hand out to cover Katie’s knee, Naomi cocks an eyebrow and says in a measured tone, “To be fair, you never locked me outside for an hour whilst pretending to go deaf.”
Feigning obtuseness, Katie questions, “Have I not?”
At Naomi’s answering shake of her head, Katie says, “Seems like a good way to shut you up, actually."
Leaning closer to Katie, she reaches across as if to remove something from the purse on Katie’s other side, totally aware of the way her arm brushes against the swell of Katie’s breasts.
Murmuring lowly, she teases, “Don’t pretend you don’t know better ways to shut me up.”