What Could Have Been: Chapter 2
Title: What Could Have Been (2/?)
Author:
electric_wish
Characters: The whole gang; focusing on Tony/Maxxie, Tony/Michelle, and Michelle/OFC for this chapter.
Rating: R for language.
Categories: AU
Spoilers: All of season 1, some of season 2.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Skins or anything connected with it. But I should.
Author’s Note: The following series takes place after the last episode of season 1, and thereafter ignores season 2. This is what could have been.
Summary: Michelle finds herself on a downward spiral after Tony’s accident, and her family life hits the rocks.
2. Michelle
“I’ve been looking for a saviour in these dirty streets,
Looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets.”
It’s wrong. It felt wrong, looked wrong, sounded wrong. It even tasted fucking wrong. Why was I doing this to myself, sleeping with anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest in me? Was it just because I felt so alone in the world? Or was it because I needed to distract myself? I kept asking myself the same questions over and over, but I was too stubborn to acknowledge the answer.
The older boy rolled off me and onto his back. He was tall, with floppy brown hair, blue eyes, and in good shape. He sighed. “That was awesome!” He exclaimed. All of a sudden he seemed full of energy, which was ironic, as I had been the one doing practically all the work a few minutes before. “Wanna do it again?” He smirked.
“No.” I said blankly, and got off the bed and slipped back into my clothes. “This was a mistake.”
“A mistake?” The boy laughed. “My mate Eddie told me you said that after you two had finished as well...”
“Tell your mate Eddie to shut the fuck up.” I said, and walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs where the party was still in full swing. People were passed out in the hallway, a girl was throwing up in a cupboard, and empty beer bottles were scattered about the floor. I didn’t know who owned the house, but I hoped for their sake that they had a decent cleaner.
I found Jal and Maxxie standing by a bookcase, watching with amused looks at the people dancing about the room to the beat of Orson. When Jal saw me coming her expression immediately changed. She was the only one that knew about my recent activities. No one else would understand. I didn’t want her pity; she just gave it to me anyway.
“Have you seen the state of the place?” I said to them, putting on a convincing laugh in an attempt to avoid Jal’s judgemental eyes.
“I haven’t seen a mess this bad since our food fight party at your place, Shell!” Maxxie said. “Wow. This lot can’t dance for peanuts.” He shook his head in disappointment. “Come on, Shell, let’s show them how it’s really done, ey?”
I forced a smile. “Not right now, Max, I need a word with Jal. If you don’t mind.”
I could see that by excluding him I had offended him, but Maxxie nodded. “Sure,” he said, “Maybe later, yeah?”
“Absolutely.”
He started to walk away, then turned and looked me in the eyes. “If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to come to me.”
When Maxxie disappeared into the crowd of dancers, Jal finally let out all of her frustration. “What the fuck?” She said. “Another one? Michelle, you said you were going to stop all this.”
“I know I did.”
“Then why are you still sleeping around? You need to get over all of this Tony stuff, Shell! He’s in a coma, and for all we know he might not make it out of it!” Jal was shouting now, but no one took any notice of us. Most people weren’t even sober enough to care.
“Don’t say things like that, Jal! He’ll be okay!”
“Oh yeah? Well he needs you! He needs you to be there for him. But you’ve been to that hospital once since the accident. It’s been easy to keep count of your visits. I’ve lost count of the amount of guys you’ve slept with though.”
“Shut up!” I yelled, just as the song ended. All eyes were on us. I pointed a threatening finger at my best friend. “Don’t, Jal... Don’t.”
Maxxie came rushing back over. “Guys? What the fuck is going on?”
Jal gestured towards the blonde boy. “Do you know how many times he’s been to see your boyfriend? Tell her, Max.”
Maxxie was clearly uncomfortable with answering. “It’s... I don’t want to get involved, maybe just keep your voices down, yeah?”
“Every second day, Michelle!” Jal answers for him. “Maxxie is in that hospital every second day. Sid nearly spends more time with his comatose friend than he does with his girlfriend who will be leaving town soon. Even I have been in to see him more than you have, and you know how I felt towards him!” Silence fell between us while across the room someone desperately tried to turn on another song. “Sort yourself out, Michelle.” Jal finished, and walked away.
I was in shock. All of the guilty thoughts I had hidden away in my mind had just been thrown at me by my best friend. I felt like I was the most horrible person in the world, I felt humiliated, and I felt dirty.
“Shell?” Maxxie’s voice pierced my silence. I was too disgusted with myself to even look at him.
“Just... leave me alone.” I said, and made my way out of the house as if in a daze, feeling the cold night breeze bite at my bare skin in the same way that the truth had just done.
*
“Not again, mum! Honestly... Why do you do this to yourself?”
I had enough of all of my mother’s failed attempts at finding the perfect husband. Malcolm, resident grave-digger and sleaze-bag, had finally been added to the list of failures. Not that I was surprised, I knew the man was destined for the hall of shame the moment he stepped through the front door.
“I don’t know what it is,” my mother wiped her tears on the crinkled and ripped tissue. “All the men in my life just have a habit of going AWOL!”
“Must be genetic,” I muttered. Malcolm’s brief wedlock had not gone unnoticed in the house. In every room it was clear to see all of the man’s attempts at making a few extra quid - tacky ornaments of animals, glow-in-the-dark ashtrays, and backscratchers ‘with a difference!’ to name just a few. All of them would soon be following the path of their creator, never to return.
“I’m not giving up,” my mother said. “I know that there is a decent man out there who will love me for who I am, and not for my money.”
“Or for the size of your bum.” I said under my breath.
“What was that darling?”
“Oh nothing. Do you want me to set up an online dating profile for you? We could get a few good laughs out of it at the very least.” I smiled, recalling the days that I had spent with Jal going through pages of internet dating profiles of men who had very specific tastes - including “partial to a good meal” and “not too easy on the eyes”.
She put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “I would do anything for love, Michelle, but I won’t do that... I meant to ask you, how is Tony doing?”
“Still in a coma.”
“Oh... You haven’t been to see him recently.”
“I’m aware of that, mum.” I growled, knowing far too well where this conversation was heading.
“I was only saying... You know, they say that people wake up from comas when their loved ones speak to them. You might be able to speed things along!” Terribly subtle, my mother.
“I don’t want to see him. I mean... I can’t see him.” Why was it always about Tony? He was always the centre of attention, and now - even when his mind is god-knows-where - he’s still causing problems.
“Have all your friends gone to see him?”
Christ, it was like Jal had somehow possessed my mother. “Yes. Yes! They have! All of them have, alright?! And me - his girlfriend - I’ve seen him once, and I spent all of ten minutes standing there staring at his beautiful face that has been so battered and fucking bruised that you want to look away! That’s why I haven’t gone to see him recently! Are you happy, mum? Is that a good enough fucking reason for you?!” I made my way out of the room, but her voice commanded me to stop.
“Michelle. No, that is not a good enough reason. If you loved him, you would never let something like that stand in your way... Did I let all of Malcolm’s Gerry Giraffes get in the way? Did I let all of his so-called ‘projects’ get in the way? No. Because you have to take these things in your stride, even if you want to scream at the fucking tosser until he’s out of the house with all his gadgets... Er... What I mean is you have to put these things behind you. You need to get over it. Because if you do love Tony, then in the end, why should it matter?”
The woman is daft, but she always makes pretty good points. I grabbed my coat. “I’m going to the hospital. Don’t wait up.”
“That’s my girl.”
*
Walking down the corridor to Tony’s private room, I had no idea what I was going to say to him. The boy was unconscious, what type of conversation could I possibly have with him? A conversation where he actually listens to me, perhaps? I nearly smiled at my dark thought, but realised immediately how inappropriate it was. All of a sudden I had no idea what I was doing there.
As I was about to enter the room, the door opened and Maxxie walked out. “Max!”
He looked shocked, and the guilt showed in his eyes. I knew what Jal said had been true - Maxxie really had been visiting him every second day. “Michelle! Hi. I was just leaving. Um... Have a nice chat with him!” He said, uncomfortable, as he turned to leave.
“Maxxie, wait! Would you... Would you mind staying? I’m not sure what to say to him, and... Well, you’ve got a lot of experience talking with him and everything. If you wouldn’t mind helping me out?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
We entered the ward. Since I had last seen Tony, the bruises had cleared up a lot. He was still bandaged up all over, but at least now it all looked to be an internal battle. On his bedside table the ‘Get Well Soon’ cards had multiplied, along with flowers and pictures of Tony with his family and another with all of us in it. Looking at that picture, it was hard to remember when it was a simpler time.
I sat on the chair beside the bed and Maxxie stood by the doorway like a sentry stopping anyone from interrupting us - or making sure I couldn’t chicken out of it.
“Tony,” I started, but couldn’t continue. I couldn’t think of anything to say. It was like not seeing someone for so long and then when you finally do you have nothing to talk to them about, even though so much had happened between the last time the two of you saw each other. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell him how you’re doing,” said the voice from over my shoulder. “Tell him what’s been happening. Come on, Shell, you can do this.”
It was just too weird for me. Was he really listening? Was he even aware that I was in the room? The coma was just too big an obstacle for me to ignore. “If you do love Tony, then in the end, why should it matter?” Fuck it, I had to give it a try. There was too much history between the two of us for me to just give up on him now.
“I’ll be honest with you, Tony; I haven’t been doing too well. I’ve been missing you like crazy. Every day I want to call your phone but there’s no one there to answer... For fuck sake, why didn’t you look where you were going? Why did you have to call me? Why did you tell me you loved me? That’s what has made this so much harder, Tony. You were such an arsehole before, and I kept letting you get away with everything. I kept coming back to you. Even now.”
I fidgeted, stopping for silence as if waiting for a reply. Maxxie was silent behind me and I could barely hear him breathing. “You know I love you, Tony. I really do. I probably will always love you, and I know that now. So, when you get out of this coma, no matter if its weeks, months or years, you should know that I’ll be waiting for you.”
I got up, taking a long look at him before continuing. “I won’t be coming to see you again for a long time. Please don’t judge me for it, I just can’t take that every time I see you like this my heart breaks a little bit more.” My voice cracked, and I could only whisper a final “Goodbye, Tony.”
I turned around to leave, and when I saw the look on Maxxie’s face, I knew instantly how he felt. We left together in silence, and outside the hospital doors I finally built up the courage to ask him. “You love him too, don’t you?”
He was caught off guard. “Shell, what? What’re you talking about?”
“Was it Russia? You had a little bit of him and now you want more, is that it?”
“Shell! I don’t know what you mean, where is this all coming from?”
“Do you love Tony?” I asked.
When he didn’t say anything, instead looking away, I got my answer. I shook my head at him. “When are you going to get it? What happened in Russia was all a joke! You were nothing but a cheap thrill for him. You know him, Max, you know that was the type of thing he did!”
“You’re wrong!” Maxxie shouted.
“No. I’m not. And you know it, deep down you must it too.” I turned on my heel and walked away, leaving a stunned blonde boy to gather his thoughts and accept defeat.
*
I still had one more piece of unfinished business. On the fifth ring Jal picked up the phone. “What?”
“I did it, Jal.” I said. “I sorted myself out.”
“No more sleeping around?” She asked.
“No.”
“You went to see him?”
“Yeah, about an hour ago.”
A pause.
“Good. Shell, you know that everything’s going to be alright, don’t you?”
“Yeah. I do.” I said.
And for the first time in my life, I knew that it was true.
----
Oh wow, comments would be so lovely!
Author:
electric_wish
Characters: The whole gang; focusing on Tony/Maxxie, Tony/Michelle, and Michelle/OFC for this chapter.
Rating: R for language.
Categories: AU
Spoilers: All of season 1, some of season 2.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Skins or anything connected with it. But I should.
Author’s Note: The following series takes place after the last episode of season 1, and thereafter ignores season 2. This is what could have been.
Summary: Michelle finds herself on a downward spiral after Tony’s accident, and her family life hits the rocks.
2. Michelle
“I’ve been looking for a saviour in these dirty streets,
Looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets.”
It’s wrong. It felt wrong, looked wrong, sounded wrong. It even tasted fucking wrong. Why was I doing this to myself, sleeping with anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest in me? Was it just because I felt so alone in the world? Or was it because I needed to distract myself? I kept asking myself the same questions over and over, but I was too stubborn to acknowledge the answer.
The older boy rolled off me and onto his back. He was tall, with floppy brown hair, blue eyes, and in good shape. He sighed. “That was awesome!” He exclaimed. All of a sudden he seemed full of energy, which was ironic, as I had been the one doing practically all the work a few minutes before. “Wanna do it again?” He smirked.
“No.” I said blankly, and got off the bed and slipped back into my clothes. “This was a mistake.”
“A mistake?” The boy laughed. “My mate Eddie told me you said that after you two had finished as well...”
“Tell your mate Eddie to shut the fuck up.” I said, and walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs where the party was still in full swing. People were passed out in the hallway, a girl was throwing up in a cupboard, and empty beer bottles were scattered about the floor. I didn’t know who owned the house, but I hoped for their sake that they had a decent cleaner.
I found Jal and Maxxie standing by a bookcase, watching with amused looks at the people dancing about the room to the beat of Orson. When Jal saw me coming her expression immediately changed. She was the only one that knew about my recent activities. No one else would understand. I didn’t want her pity; she just gave it to me anyway.
“Have you seen the state of the place?” I said to them, putting on a convincing laugh in an attempt to avoid Jal’s judgemental eyes.
“I haven’t seen a mess this bad since our food fight party at your place, Shell!” Maxxie said. “Wow. This lot can’t dance for peanuts.” He shook his head in disappointment. “Come on, Shell, let’s show them how it’s really done, ey?”
I forced a smile. “Not right now, Max, I need a word with Jal. If you don’t mind.”
I could see that by excluding him I had offended him, but Maxxie nodded. “Sure,” he said, “Maybe later, yeah?”
“Absolutely.”
He started to walk away, then turned and looked me in the eyes. “If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to come to me.”
When Maxxie disappeared into the crowd of dancers, Jal finally let out all of her frustration. “What the fuck?” She said. “Another one? Michelle, you said you were going to stop all this.”
“I know I did.”
“Then why are you still sleeping around? You need to get over all of this Tony stuff, Shell! He’s in a coma, and for all we know he might not make it out of it!” Jal was shouting now, but no one took any notice of us. Most people weren’t even sober enough to care.
“Don’t say things like that, Jal! He’ll be okay!”
“Oh yeah? Well he needs you! He needs you to be there for him. But you’ve been to that hospital once since the accident. It’s been easy to keep count of your visits. I’ve lost count of the amount of guys you’ve slept with though.”
“Shut up!” I yelled, just as the song ended. All eyes were on us. I pointed a threatening finger at my best friend. “Don’t, Jal... Don’t.”
Maxxie came rushing back over. “Guys? What the fuck is going on?”
Jal gestured towards the blonde boy. “Do you know how many times he’s been to see your boyfriend? Tell her, Max.”
Maxxie was clearly uncomfortable with answering. “It’s... I don’t want to get involved, maybe just keep your voices down, yeah?”
“Every second day, Michelle!” Jal answers for him. “Maxxie is in that hospital every second day. Sid nearly spends more time with his comatose friend than he does with his girlfriend who will be leaving town soon. Even I have been in to see him more than you have, and you know how I felt towards him!” Silence fell between us while across the room someone desperately tried to turn on another song. “Sort yourself out, Michelle.” Jal finished, and walked away.
I was in shock. All of the guilty thoughts I had hidden away in my mind had just been thrown at me by my best friend. I felt like I was the most horrible person in the world, I felt humiliated, and I felt dirty.
“Shell?” Maxxie’s voice pierced my silence. I was too disgusted with myself to even look at him.
“Just... leave me alone.” I said, and made my way out of the house as if in a daze, feeling the cold night breeze bite at my bare skin in the same way that the truth had just done.
*
“Not again, mum! Honestly... Why do you do this to yourself?”
I had enough of all of my mother’s failed attempts at finding the perfect husband. Malcolm, resident grave-digger and sleaze-bag, had finally been added to the list of failures. Not that I was surprised, I knew the man was destined for the hall of shame the moment he stepped through the front door.
“I don’t know what it is,” my mother wiped her tears on the crinkled and ripped tissue. “All the men in my life just have a habit of going AWOL!”
“Must be genetic,” I muttered. Malcolm’s brief wedlock had not gone unnoticed in the house. In every room it was clear to see all of the man’s attempts at making a few extra quid - tacky ornaments of animals, glow-in-the-dark ashtrays, and backscratchers ‘with a difference!’ to name just a few. All of them would soon be following the path of their creator, never to return.
“I’m not giving up,” my mother said. “I know that there is a decent man out there who will love me for who I am, and not for my money.”
“Or for the size of your bum.” I said under my breath.
“What was that darling?”
“Oh nothing. Do you want me to set up an online dating profile for you? We could get a few good laughs out of it at the very least.” I smiled, recalling the days that I had spent with Jal going through pages of internet dating profiles of men who had very specific tastes - including “partial to a good meal” and “not too easy on the eyes”.
She put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “I would do anything for love, Michelle, but I won’t do that... I meant to ask you, how is Tony doing?”
“Still in a coma.”
“Oh... You haven’t been to see him recently.”
“I’m aware of that, mum.” I growled, knowing far too well where this conversation was heading.
“I was only saying... You know, they say that people wake up from comas when their loved ones speak to them. You might be able to speed things along!” Terribly subtle, my mother.
“I don’t want to see him. I mean... I can’t see him.” Why was it always about Tony? He was always the centre of attention, and now - even when his mind is god-knows-where - he’s still causing problems.
“Have all your friends gone to see him?”
Christ, it was like Jal had somehow possessed my mother. “Yes. Yes! They have! All of them have, alright?! And me - his girlfriend - I’ve seen him once, and I spent all of ten minutes standing there staring at his beautiful face that has been so battered and fucking bruised that you want to look away! That’s why I haven’t gone to see him recently! Are you happy, mum? Is that a good enough fucking reason for you?!” I made my way out of the room, but her voice commanded me to stop.
“Michelle. No, that is not a good enough reason. If you loved him, you would never let something like that stand in your way... Did I let all of Malcolm’s Gerry Giraffes get in the way? Did I let all of his so-called ‘projects’ get in the way? No. Because you have to take these things in your stride, even if you want to scream at the fucking tosser until he’s out of the house with all his gadgets... Er... What I mean is you have to put these things behind you. You need to get over it. Because if you do love Tony, then in the end, why should it matter?”
The woman is daft, but she always makes pretty good points. I grabbed my coat. “I’m going to the hospital. Don’t wait up.”
“That’s my girl.”
*
Walking down the corridor to Tony’s private room, I had no idea what I was going to say to him. The boy was unconscious, what type of conversation could I possibly have with him? A conversation where he actually listens to me, perhaps? I nearly smiled at my dark thought, but realised immediately how inappropriate it was. All of a sudden I had no idea what I was doing there.
As I was about to enter the room, the door opened and Maxxie walked out. “Max!”
He looked shocked, and the guilt showed in his eyes. I knew what Jal said had been true - Maxxie really had been visiting him every second day. “Michelle! Hi. I was just leaving. Um... Have a nice chat with him!” He said, uncomfortable, as he turned to leave.
“Maxxie, wait! Would you... Would you mind staying? I’m not sure what to say to him, and... Well, you’ve got a lot of experience talking with him and everything. If you wouldn’t mind helping me out?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
We entered the ward. Since I had last seen Tony, the bruises had cleared up a lot. He was still bandaged up all over, but at least now it all looked to be an internal battle. On his bedside table the ‘Get Well Soon’ cards had multiplied, along with flowers and pictures of Tony with his family and another with all of us in it. Looking at that picture, it was hard to remember when it was a simpler time.
I sat on the chair beside the bed and Maxxie stood by the doorway like a sentry stopping anyone from interrupting us - or making sure I couldn’t chicken out of it.
“Tony,” I started, but couldn’t continue. I couldn’t think of anything to say. It was like not seeing someone for so long and then when you finally do you have nothing to talk to them about, even though so much had happened between the last time the two of you saw each other. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell him how you’re doing,” said the voice from over my shoulder. “Tell him what’s been happening. Come on, Shell, you can do this.”
It was just too weird for me. Was he really listening? Was he even aware that I was in the room? The coma was just too big an obstacle for me to ignore. “If you do love Tony, then in the end, why should it matter?” Fuck it, I had to give it a try. There was too much history between the two of us for me to just give up on him now.
“I’ll be honest with you, Tony; I haven’t been doing too well. I’ve been missing you like crazy. Every day I want to call your phone but there’s no one there to answer... For fuck sake, why didn’t you look where you were going? Why did you have to call me? Why did you tell me you loved me? That’s what has made this so much harder, Tony. You were such an arsehole before, and I kept letting you get away with everything. I kept coming back to you. Even now.”
I fidgeted, stopping for silence as if waiting for a reply. Maxxie was silent behind me and I could barely hear him breathing. “You know I love you, Tony. I really do. I probably will always love you, and I know that now. So, when you get out of this coma, no matter if its weeks, months or years, you should know that I’ll be waiting for you.”
I got up, taking a long look at him before continuing. “I won’t be coming to see you again for a long time. Please don’t judge me for it, I just can’t take that every time I see you like this my heart breaks a little bit more.” My voice cracked, and I could only whisper a final “Goodbye, Tony.”
I turned around to leave, and when I saw the look on Maxxie’s face, I knew instantly how he felt. We left together in silence, and outside the hospital doors I finally built up the courage to ask him. “You love him too, don’t you?”
He was caught off guard. “Shell, what? What’re you talking about?”
“Was it Russia? You had a little bit of him and now you want more, is that it?”
“Shell! I don’t know what you mean, where is this all coming from?”
“Do you love Tony?” I asked.
When he didn’t say anything, instead looking away, I got my answer. I shook my head at him. “When are you going to get it? What happened in Russia was all a joke! You were nothing but a cheap thrill for him. You know him, Max, you know that was the type of thing he did!”
“You’re wrong!” Maxxie shouted.
“No. I’m not. And you know it, deep down you must it too.” I turned on my heel and walked away, leaving a stunned blonde boy to gather his thoughts and accept defeat.
*
I still had one more piece of unfinished business. On the fifth ring Jal picked up the phone. “What?”
“I did it, Jal.” I said. “I sorted myself out.”
“No more sleeping around?” She asked.
“No.”
“You went to see him?”
“Yeah, about an hour ago.”
A pause.
“Good. Shell, you know that everything’s going to be alright, don’t you?”
“Yeah. I do.” I said.
And for the first time in my life, I knew that it was true.
----
Oh wow, comments would be so lovely!