I'm not dead... at least I think I'm not dead
It's been a long time LiveJournal.
I'll try to keep emotional rants and grammerical errors to a minimum.
So... I believe last time we talked I was going through a hard time with my ex leaving me. Well I really wish I could report some kind of fairy tale ending there but the truth is that nothing good has happened in that area.
I still have my small apartment right off of Bardstown Road. I still have my factory job. I still have a complete lack of faith in romance and people in general. Maybe not all people. Kids are pretty kick ass.
I've kind of stopped going to places like Highland Coffee. I get tired of seeing 20 somethings trying to fuck girls barely (if even) out of High School. I get tired of wannabe artists sitting on their asses drawing unemployment and passing judgement on anything and everything that passes by them. I get tired of hipster coffee shop workers that think that because they have a glimmer of popularity in a given area that they are somehow other-worldly celebrities.
The coffee at my place is cheaper and sometimes better (I do miss Hair Raiser though) and I have my library and xbox sitting right there.
I work. I write. I geek out on the usual things like books and music.
(Current obsessions seem to be F. Paul Wilson's Repairman Jack series and Iron Maiden)
It could be worse. I could need a drug or a drink to get through the day. I can safely say I have grown beyond that part of my life. Maybe a little too late, but I like to think it's happened.
The best part about my life these days is the fact that I live in such a beautiful neighborhood in one of my favorite areas of this city. I can put on my iPod, walk out my back door, and walk through some amazing places.
My best friend is quickly being molded by his co-workers into some redneck douchebag that won't shut up about how he needs to join the military in order to show he has a dick.
Anything emotional is far and few between. I'm a bitter, jaded asshole. I'll be the first to admit it.
I've been in love twice in the 26 years I have been on this planet and both of those experiences have ended up nearly the same. They are with me but they don't love me. In fact in time they grow to hate and loath me until they reach a breaking point and leave me for someone else that they have been talking to on the side. Might be some guy nearly a decade older than them, might be the guy they dated in High School and constantly thought about. A woman (and a man, I'm not sexist) can sleep next to you, fuck you, tell you they love you, and still want someone else. Still think about someone else.
I've come to the understanding that Love is something that comes with having a good body, a good mind, money, and... well mostly money. Or the hope for money in the future.
If I could see where my first love is right now, I'm sure she would be living a life I could never give her. Same for the last.
But again, I'm a bitter asshole.
All of this has made me feel like shit about my abilities as a lover (the emotional act, not the physical). I obviously can't be that great if a woman who says she loves me and wants to be with me forever could go to her mothers to do laudry one day and never come back. Quickly to start dating her high school ex. A sympathy fuck (maybe), a quick glance, and any woman can be out of your life forever guys. Look over to your wife/girlfriend/whatever and know that they can say they love you, but really have another lover in their head and heart.
Be self reliant. Trust NO ONE 100%
And there is nothing I can do in that area.
I can't just call her up and say I'm sorry. Hell, given her way, she would rather never lay eyes on me again. After over three years. What does that say about me?
Now she can have the things she wants out of life. Good for her.
Me? Well I'm not going insane anymore, I'm not trying to fill my stomach up with sleeping aids. Most days I am pretty happy. Netflix, cheap food, and loud music are the opiates of the loney, bitter douchebag.
Medical problems and financial worries aside, I'm ok.
I'm just waiting to meet another woman that will love me as much as I love her so that in a few years she can run off with some man who is probably better than me in everywhere so she can be happier than I could ever make her. Maybe I'll go Johnny Cash and start doing coke. Buy a gun.
"I thought I was her Daddy but she had five more..."
That kind of thing.
Well, the call of greasy food and cheap coffee is pulling at me. That means Twig and Leaf for all of you Louisvillians. Mmmmmmmm... shitty food...
In closing, just because someone doesn't love you doesn't mean you can't love them. It sounds stupid, but it's true. Just because you feel like things can't get better doesn't mean they can't. Just because they don't doesn't mean you are a monster.
Yeah, I work a job I hate. Yeah, I still love a girl that I haven't locked eyes on in over a year and a half. But I'm still here. I still have as much of a chance as anyone else.
and forgive me for the Then and Than bullshit, ok?
I'll try to keep emotional rants and grammerical errors to a minimum.
So... I believe last time we talked I was going through a hard time with my ex leaving me. Well I really wish I could report some kind of fairy tale ending there but the truth is that nothing good has happened in that area.
I still have my small apartment right off of Bardstown Road. I still have my factory job. I still have a complete lack of faith in romance and people in general. Maybe not all people. Kids are pretty kick ass.
I've kind of stopped going to places like Highland Coffee. I get tired of seeing 20 somethings trying to fuck girls barely (if even) out of High School. I get tired of wannabe artists sitting on their asses drawing unemployment and passing judgement on anything and everything that passes by them. I get tired of hipster coffee shop workers that think that because they have a glimmer of popularity in a given area that they are somehow other-worldly celebrities.
The coffee at my place is cheaper and sometimes better (I do miss Hair Raiser though) and I have my library and xbox sitting right there.
I work. I write. I geek out on the usual things like books and music.
(Current obsessions seem to be F. Paul Wilson's Repairman Jack series and Iron Maiden)
It could be worse. I could need a drug or a drink to get through the day. I can safely say I have grown beyond that part of my life. Maybe a little too late, but I like to think it's happened.
The best part about my life these days is the fact that I live in such a beautiful neighborhood in one of my favorite areas of this city. I can put on my iPod, walk out my back door, and walk through some amazing places.
My best friend is quickly being molded by his co-workers into some redneck douchebag that won't shut up about how he needs to join the military in order to show he has a dick.
Anything emotional is far and few between. I'm a bitter, jaded asshole. I'll be the first to admit it.
I've been in love twice in the 26 years I have been on this planet and both of those experiences have ended up nearly the same. They are with me but they don't love me. In fact in time they grow to hate and loath me until they reach a breaking point and leave me for someone else that they have been talking to on the side. Might be some guy nearly a decade older than them, might be the guy they dated in High School and constantly thought about. A woman (and a man, I'm not sexist) can sleep next to you, fuck you, tell you they love you, and still want someone else. Still think about someone else.
I've come to the understanding that Love is something that comes with having a good body, a good mind, money, and... well mostly money. Or the hope for money in the future.
If I could see where my first love is right now, I'm sure she would be living a life I could never give her. Same for the last.
But again, I'm a bitter asshole.
All of this has made me feel like shit about my abilities as a lover (the emotional act, not the physical). I obviously can't be that great if a woman who says she loves me and wants to be with me forever could go to her mothers to do laudry one day and never come back. Quickly to start dating her high school ex. A sympathy fuck (maybe), a quick glance, and any woman can be out of your life forever guys. Look over to your wife/girlfriend/whatever and know that they can say they love you, but really have another lover in their head and heart.
Be self reliant. Trust NO ONE 100%
And there is nothing I can do in that area.
I can't just call her up and say I'm sorry. Hell, given her way, she would rather never lay eyes on me again. After over three years. What does that say about me?
Now she can have the things she wants out of life. Good for her.
Me? Well I'm not going insane anymore, I'm not trying to fill my stomach up with sleeping aids. Most days I am pretty happy. Netflix, cheap food, and loud music are the opiates of the loney, bitter douchebag.
Medical problems and financial worries aside, I'm ok.
I'm just waiting to meet another woman that will love me as much as I love her so that in a few years she can run off with some man who is probably better than me in everywhere so she can be happier than I could ever make her. Maybe I'll go Johnny Cash and start doing coke. Buy a gun.
"I thought I was her Daddy but she had five more..."
That kind of thing.
Well, the call of greasy food and cheap coffee is pulling at me. That means Twig and Leaf for all of you Louisvillians. Mmmmmmmm... shitty food...
In closing, just because someone doesn't love you doesn't mean you can't love them. It sounds stupid, but it's true. Just because you feel like things can't get better doesn't mean they can't. Just because they don't doesn't mean you are a monster.
Yeah, I work a job I hate. Yeah, I still love a girl that I haven't locked eyes on in over a year and a half. But I'm still here. I still have as much of a chance as anyone else.
and forgive me for the Then and Than bullshit, ok?