last song
I had a so so day.
I can't really afford to do much on my week off besides hang out at Highland and read. I'm really worried about paying my bills this month. I hate having to accept my father's hand outs. I'm going to have to this month if I want to keep my apartment though. I'm going to cut my cable, home phone, and try to use as little energy as possible. I'm going to quit smoking cloves and cut down on my coffee intake. Start brown bagging it to work. With this whole "up for sale" shit going on at work, my sick leave time, and being on layoff this week, I'm about to go crazy with finacial worries.
I miss her so fucking much and I know she will never come back. It gets worse and worse every day. I've been begging for her to talk to me and begging for answers and now that I have them, I'm too chicken shit to read them. No wonder she won't talk to me or see me. I know it's not because it hurts her, it's because it hurts me. I want HER. I want to show her that things are different. I took a picture of a Corgi today at Highland and I though "Jessica would love this!" but then I realized that I couldn't send it to her. I guess I could, maybe I will, but it wouldn't be the same. I just wish I knew that there was a chance for us in the future. I know it might be true that shes with this guy. Might be living life together. Wearing those sexy things she wore for me for him. Might be falling in love with him. Again, it could just be bullshit. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. Thats what I keep telling myself anyways.
The date has been set in stone for tomorrow afternoon for the whole Ice Cream (god...) thing with this girl. I can't fucking believe Robby, Erin, and David forced me into this. It's just a friendly thing and I know that full well. Hell, even if it was something, I'm still in love with Jessica and shes a wrestler (but not all big and shit... at least not in the arms) and an actress and I'm a skinny ass dork that works on an assembly line. Come on. I don't want her, I want Jessica. At least this way Robby and his girlfriend will leave me alone. I'm actually kind of nervous.
I wish I could take HER out. I wish I could ask her out to dinner again and actually believe that she might say yes. I asked once, and now my hope is dead and I know I'll never ask again.
I heart melts when I see her pictures. I think about her any time I hear The Evens and Will Oldhams sappy albums like Ease on Down the Road. I think of her every time I drive down Bardstown and every time I walk into this apartment. I constantly think about days like when we went to my Dads retirement party or when we moved her stuff in.
I know one day I'll get over this but her face, body, voice, and laugh are burned into my brain. I kind of hate myself for all the times I yelled at her, all the times I let her down, all the times I could have taken her out or done things with her instead of spending all of my time and money on getting high and buying myself selfish shit. All the times I got on her like she was my child and not my lover and partner.
I will kick myself in the ass for the rest of my life for not hugging her that day that she came to get her stuff when she asked me for a hug. I will never get that chance again. Its starting to be where I'm forgetting what her touch feels like.
I hope she knows that I will never forget days like when we went to The Louisville Antique Mall. That was a beautiful day. We were really happy.
I dunno, I really need to stop writing in this thing. Maybe start making things friends only, because this person emailing me obviously has to be reading this and my MySpace blogs. The nice mystery emailer is alright with me. Shes been pretty good and I actually like swapping emails with her, but this person is really starting to piss me off and I hope I get the chance to meet them face to face.
I miss you Jessica Lee Brown.
You were the best part of my life for a long time and I should have pulled myself out of the mud way before you being unhappy was even a situation. I should have started living life when you gave me a reason to. I will always miss you. Even if in the future, I meet someone, we get married, and so and so. A part of me will always miss you and always want to know whats going on in your life. I hope the best for you. I hope you do well in school. I hope you get everything you want out of life. I will always wish that I could be a part of it, even if it's in some small way.
I miss you and I always will.
I know (even if it's a small part) that I will always love you.
I wish you were here.
I can't really afford to do much on my week off besides hang out at Highland and read. I'm really worried about paying my bills this month. I hate having to accept my father's hand outs. I'm going to have to this month if I want to keep my apartment though. I'm going to cut my cable, home phone, and try to use as little energy as possible. I'm going to quit smoking cloves and cut down on my coffee intake. Start brown bagging it to work. With this whole "up for sale" shit going on at work, my sick leave time, and being on layoff this week, I'm about to go crazy with finacial worries.
I miss her so fucking much and I know she will never come back. It gets worse and worse every day. I've been begging for her to talk to me and begging for answers and now that I have them, I'm too chicken shit to read them. No wonder she won't talk to me or see me. I know it's not because it hurts her, it's because it hurts me. I want HER. I want to show her that things are different. I took a picture of a Corgi today at Highland and I though "Jessica would love this!" but then I realized that I couldn't send it to her. I guess I could, maybe I will, but it wouldn't be the same. I just wish I knew that there was a chance for us in the future. I know it might be true that shes with this guy. Might be living life together. Wearing those sexy things she wore for me for him. Might be falling in love with him. Again, it could just be bullshit. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. Thats what I keep telling myself anyways.
The date has been set in stone for tomorrow afternoon for the whole Ice Cream (god...) thing with this girl. I can't fucking believe Robby, Erin, and David forced me into this. It's just a friendly thing and I know that full well. Hell, even if it was something, I'm still in love with Jessica and shes a wrestler (but not all big and shit... at least not in the arms) and an actress and I'm a skinny ass dork that works on an assembly line. Come on. I don't want her, I want Jessica. At least this way Robby and his girlfriend will leave me alone. I'm actually kind of nervous.
I wish I could take HER out. I wish I could ask her out to dinner again and actually believe that she might say yes. I asked once, and now my hope is dead and I know I'll never ask again.
I heart melts when I see her pictures. I think about her any time I hear The Evens and Will Oldhams sappy albums like Ease on Down the Road. I think of her every time I drive down Bardstown and every time I walk into this apartment. I constantly think about days like when we went to my Dads retirement party or when we moved her stuff in.
I know one day I'll get over this but her face, body, voice, and laugh are burned into my brain. I kind of hate myself for all the times I yelled at her, all the times I let her down, all the times I could have taken her out or done things with her instead of spending all of my time and money on getting high and buying myself selfish shit. All the times I got on her like she was my child and not my lover and partner.
I will kick myself in the ass for the rest of my life for not hugging her that day that she came to get her stuff when she asked me for a hug. I will never get that chance again. Its starting to be where I'm forgetting what her touch feels like.
I hope she knows that I will never forget days like when we went to The Louisville Antique Mall. That was a beautiful day. We were really happy.
I dunno, I really need to stop writing in this thing. Maybe start making things friends only, because this person emailing me obviously has to be reading this and my MySpace blogs. The nice mystery emailer is alright with me. Shes been pretty good and I actually like swapping emails with her, but this person is really starting to piss me off and I hope I get the chance to meet them face to face.
I miss you Jessica Lee Brown.
You were the best part of my life for a long time and I should have pulled myself out of the mud way before you being unhappy was even a situation. I should have started living life when you gave me a reason to. I will always miss you. Even if in the future, I meet someone, we get married, and so and so. A part of me will always miss you and always want to know whats going on in your life. I hope the best for you. I hope you do well in school. I hope you get everything you want out of life. I will always wish that I could be a part of it, even if it's in some small way.
I miss you and I always will.
I know (even if it's a small part) that I will always love you.
I wish you were here.