Masochistic Tendencies
It appears that my masochistic tendencies are coming out of me full throttle. I mean, I understand what it means to derive sexual pleasure from pain, and what not, but never in a million years did I think that I would find myself actually craving the sting of a cane, the wind and cracks of a flogger, or hell, even the nice smack of the belt!! But I want this soooo bad, I can fucking taste it. Clothes pins arent cutting it for me anymore at this moment. Being bound and pinned, and assaulted isnt cutting it either.
Ive done some heavy thinking over a few days, and for a moment, I thought that there is something wrong with me. I am a freak, an abnormality. But you know what? Fuck that! Its who I am, its part of me. The whole submissive/masochist streak IS me. While I dont want a 24/7 relationship, it would be fucking nice if I could flow in and out of my "role" all the damn time. It would be nice to fall asleep in my collar and cuffs every so often.
But once again, as it happened before, He is afraid of hurting me. He is afraid of damaging me. *blinks* Ummm...thats the freaking point!! I want, no, I NEED to be spanked, or smacked, or stung damnit!! I want to be moved to tears....I want to be in a sweaty, teary mess on the bed, (or on the floor) so deep in headspace that I dont want to come back. I want to not sit down for a fucking week!!!
I dont know what triggered this. I havent felt the desire for pain in such a long time. Ive been content in my submissiveness. I thought that was enough. I thought that I was beyond the tendencies. But apparently Im wrong. Its in my dreams, its back in my poetry. *sighs*
I even discovered that I have a new fantasy. Which is nice, because I thought I was all out, due to having experienced them....I still relish my matching kitty bowls!! But nope, outta nowhere, it came to me. I want to be interrogated. *laughs* Tied to a chair, of course. But anyways, thats neither here nor there.
But seriously. I need to get this out of my system. Some way, some how....I did mention candle shopping to mine, and while He gave me a funny look, He did agree. Progress! But not fast enough!!
*shakes my head*
I dont know....I do know Im not sick, Im not a freak, and Im certainly not alone....but damn it...
Where the fuck is a good Sadist when ya need one??
Ive done some heavy thinking over a few days, and for a moment, I thought that there is something wrong with me. I am a freak, an abnormality. But you know what? Fuck that! Its who I am, its part of me. The whole submissive/masochist streak IS me. While I dont want a 24/7 relationship, it would be fucking nice if I could flow in and out of my "role" all the damn time. It would be nice to fall asleep in my collar and cuffs every so often.
But once again, as it happened before, He is afraid of hurting me. He is afraid of damaging me. *blinks* Ummm...thats the freaking point!! I want, no, I NEED to be spanked, or smacked, or stung damnit!! I want to be moved to tears....I want to be in a sweaty, teary mess on the bed, (or on the floor) so deep in headspace that I dont want to come back. I want to not sit down for a fucking week!!!
I dont know what triggered this. I havent felt the desire for pain in such a long time. Ive been content in my submissiveness. I thought that was enough. I thought that I was beyond the tendencies. But apparently Im wrong. Its in my dreams, its back in my poetry. *sighs*
I even discovered that I have a new fantasy. Which is nice, because I thought I was all out, due to having experienced them....I still relish my matching kitty bowls!! But nope, outta nowhere, it came to me. I want to be interrogated. *laughs* Tied to a chair, of course. But anyways, thats neither here nor there.
But seriously. I need to get this out of my system. Some way, some how....I did mention candle shopping to mine, and while He gave me a funny look, He did agree. Progress! But not fast enough!!
*shakes my head*
I dont know....I do know Im not sick, Im not a freak, and Im certainly not alone....but damn it...
Where the fuck is a good Sadist when ya need one??