We'll Meet Again Some Sunny Day...
My Papa (grandfather) passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on Friday, January 29th most likely due to a heart attack.
It's slowly been sinking in that this is really real. There is an inevitability of grandparents dying, but this is the first death in quite sometime for me where there was no lead up, like cancer. He just...dropped dead. He was also my last living grandparent. They're all gone now.
I was at yoga when it happened. I had been thinking about him. When I came out of class, I had a message from Andrew telling me to call him immediately as it was an emergency. He sent that just as I would have been going into class. Once I saw that, I knew in my gut that he was gone. Papa had been in the hospital the day before for something fairly minor (urinary problems), but I knew. I called Andrew and at first all he said was, "You need to call your Mom." I said, "Just tell me." He took a deep breath and told me that Papa had passed. I sighed and said, "I kind of figured." Apparently, everyone had been trying to get a hold of me (I rarely have my cell on). They thought he had about an hour in case anyone wanted to go out to Pinawa hospital to be with him for his last minutes, but he didn't make it that long.
I called Mom and left her a voicemail message. Sitting in the foyer of the yoga studio, I could feel myself welling up with a strange man (not into yoga) next to me. I wanted to ask him for a hug and I probably would have if he had been in the yoga class prior. Instead, I wandered out into the mild night. I threw my stuff in the car, shut the door, and screamed "fuck" as loudly and for as long as I could with a single breath. I got some tears out of my system before I started to drive, but I could feel myself in a haze.
I've been in that haze since. It feels raw and tender when I immerse myself in it. It's like there's this calm air around me and everything seems slightly quieter, like when you're looking out at a lake that's perfectly still. I have moments where I'm not in that haze and I kind of peek back into a world without fog, but then I'm back in it not long afterward.
I last saw him at Xmas. He saw all the food I was taking home and kind of teased me to not have it all at once. Then he said, "As long as you enjoy it, that's what matters. Enjoy!" He was right and not just about that, but in the grander scheme of things. There is no such thing as guilty pleasures. If you like something, indulge and enjoy it. We're only given so much time here.
It's slowly been sinking in that this is really real. There is an inevitability of grandparents dying, but this is the first death in quite sometime for me where there was no lead up, like cancer. He just...dropped dead. He was also my last living grandparent. They're all gone now.
I was at yoga when it happened. I had been thinking about him. When I came out of class, I had a message from Andrew telling me to call him immediately as it was an emergency. He sent that just as I would have been going into class. Once I saw that, I knew in my gut that he was gone. Papa had been in the hospital the day before for something fairly minor (urinary problems), but I knew. I called Andrew and at first all he said was, "You need to call your Mom." I said, "Just tell me." He took a deep breath and told me that Papa had passed. I sighed and said, "I kind of figured." Apparently, everyone had been trying to get a hold of me (I rarely have my cell on). They thought he had about an hour in case anyone wanted to go out to Pinawa hospital to be with him for his last minutes, but he didn't make it that long.
I called Mom and left her a voicemail message. Sitting in the foyer of the yoga studio, I could feel myself welling up with a strange man (not into yoga) next to me. I wanted to ask him for a hug and I probably would have if he had been in the yoga class prior. Instead, I wandered out into the mild night. I threw my stuff in the car, shut the door, and screamed "fuck" as loudly and for as long as I could with a single breath. I got some tears out of my system before I started to drive, but I could feel myself in a haze.
I've been in that haze since. It feels raw and tender when I immerse myself in it. It's like there's this calm air around me and everything seems slightly quieter, like when you're looking out at a lake that's perfectly still. I have moments where I'm not in that haze and I kind of peek back into a world without fog, but then I'm back in it not long afterward.
I last saw him at Xmas. He saw all the food I was taking home and kind of teased me to not have it all at once. Then he said, "As long as you enjoy it, that's what matters. Enjoy!" He was right and not just about that, but in the grander scheme of things. There is no such thing as guilty pleasures. If you like something, indulge and enjoy it. We're only given so much time here.