Thank You For The Memories...
Bossman, the lawyer I worked with for nearly 6 years and remained friends with, passed away yesterday. :( He was diagnosed with stomach cancer around Easter long weekend and immediately hospitalized. And now he's gone. I saw him on Sunday and we had a short visit. He was groggy from the medication, his breathing was laboured and deliberate, and he was in pain so I felt I was intruding. He was having a hard time communicating, though his wits were still with him. We talked about my upcoming trip and how time is passing us all by so quickly. "Weren't we just talking about how you were planning for this trip?" "I know. And now it's here." I told him that I'd smuggle an IV bag of red wine in for him. Before I left, he asked again when my trip was and I told him. He said, "2 weeks..." and trailed off a bit before adding, "If I don't see you before then, have a nice trip." I told him that of course I'll see him before that. "I'll come back and visit you again so you just stay here, okay? Don't go anywhere." He said he'd try not to. I tickled his knuckles and we held each other's hand. He forced a smile and gave me a wink like he used to do to tell me that everything was alright.
When Aunty C was diagnosed with brain cancer, I sat in his office and cried. He told me then that the thing I needed, and needed to remember, was courage. I know he would be telling all of us that now. He had courage until the end. He remained stoic and in acceptance of what was to come next.
He was more than just a boss to me. We offered each other support through very difficult times, he offered sage advice, and had a genuine care for me and my well-being, and I of his. He would affectionately call me "kiddo" and I would call him "Jackalope". My writing style, which I often receive compliments on (and I'm so modest of!), was partly shaped and fine-tuned by his own manner of speaking and writing. I can't deny the influence he had on me in this creative medium and for that I will be forever grateful.
I found out yesterday morning while I was at work and couldn't keep it together. I excused myself to have crying fits, but otherwise would sit at my desk and silently weep. One of my coworkers instant messaged me within a few minutes to check in on me and said I could get hugs from him. I immediately got up, walked over to him, and was embraced in a big bear hug as I cried a bit louder. A few people checked in on me throughout the day. In the afternoon, I sat outside for awhile. One of my bosses happened to be returning to the office so he didn't know yet. We sat and talked about how crummy cancer is, sometimes we just sat in silent reflection, but all around that was what I needed. Some space, some compassion, and also some silent support. Today, they sent me a flower arrangement with a nice note. It really was a lovely gesture and I so appreciate it.
I've had it up to here with cancer, ya know? I think we all have.
It seems that time has been a running theme in my life lately. He and I talked about time in our last conversation. Right after that, I found a lovely necklace at a craft sale with an antique clock on it so I got it as a reminder both of the situation and of time. Yesterday, I stood behind a couple of women as they talked about how they thought they had more time, how time doesn't matter anymore. That clock on that necklace no longer works properly and is now decorative (the woman I got it from is being kind enough to give me a replacer). Or maybe it's now a reminder of the futility of trying to keep up with time and trying to contain it. Time will be dictated by no one and is not really as we perceive it to be. Time is an enigma and one that we will never truly understand. Time keeps slipping past me without even noticing it. Tick tock, tick tock.
"In eternity, where there is no time, nothing can grow. Nothing can become. Nothing changes. So death created time to grow the things that it would kill and you are reborn, but into the same life that you've always been born into. When you can't remember your lives, you can't change your lives, and that is the terrible and the secret fate of all life. You're trapped by that nightmare you keep waking up into."
When Aunty C was diagnosed with brain cancer, I sat in his office and cried. He told me then that the thing I needed, and needed to remember, was courage. I know he would be telling all of us that now. He had courage until the end. He remained stoic and in acceptance of what was to come next.
He was more than just a boss to me. We offered each other support through very difficult times, he offered sage advice, and had a genuine care for me and my well-being, and I of his. He would affectionately call me "kiddo" and I would call him "Jackalope". My writing style, which I often receive compliments on (and I'm so modest of!), was partly shaped and fine-tuned by his own manner of speaking and writing. I can't deny the influence he had on me in this creative medium and for that I will be forever grateful.
I found out yesterday morning while I was at work and couldn't keep it together. I excused myself to have crying fits, but otherwise would sit at my desk and silently weep. One of my coworkers instant messaged me within a few minutes to check in on me and said I could get hugs from him. I immediately got up, walked over to him, and was embraced in a big bear hug as I cried a bit louder. A few people checked in on me throughout the day. In the afternoon, I sat outside for awhile. One of my bosses happened to be returning to the office so he didn't know yet. We sat and talked about how crummy cancer is, sometimes we just sat in silent reflection, but all around that was what I needed. Some space, some compassion, and also some silent support. Today, they sent me a flower arrangement with a nice note. It really was a lovely gesture and I so appreciate it.
I've had it up to here with cancer, ya know? I think we all have.
It seems that time has been a running theme in my life lately. He and I talked about time in our last conversation. Right after that, I found a lovely necklace at a craft sale with an antique clock on it so I got it as a reminder both of the situation and of time. Yesterday, I stood behind a couple of women as they talked about how they thought they had more time, how time doesn't matter anymore. That clock on that necklace no longer works properly and is now decorative (the woman I got it from is being kind enough to give me a replacer). Or maybe it's now a reminder of the futility of trying to keep up with time and trying to contain it. Time will be dictated by no one and is not really as we perceive it to be. Time is an enigma and one that we will never truly understand. Time keeps slipping past me without even noticing it. Tick tock, tick tock.
"In eternity, where there is no time, nothing can grow. Nothing can become. Nothing changes. So death created time to grow the things that it would kill and you are reborn, but into the same life that you've always been born into. When you can't remember your lives, you can't change your lives, and that is the terrible and the secret fate of all life. You're trapped by that nightmare you keep waking up into."