Journal Entry - In which Marriage is discussed and I become briefly sentimental
Journal,
I had a very interesting discussion with Ernst today on the subject of marriage. Of course as soon as I'm finished with my schooling I shall take a wife and have children with her and make the Rilow name proud.
Its come to my attention, however, that I'm not so sure Ernst will be able to do the same. He's such a sentimentalist, coming up with these ideas of becoming a Pastor, having a lovely little wife who shall cook him warm apple pies and have dozens of children around him at all times, or some silly nonsense like that. Not to say that marriage or children or a pastoral post are feats of impossibility but rather I am afraid that Ernst does not have the ambition or the willpower or even the capabilities required to succeed in such a way. In truth, my experience has shown that despite and sinful or improper desire a boy might have for another boy, he might still lie with a woman. Its true that he may prefer the company of a boy but the act is hardly impossible. I myself find the physical company of a woman thrilling (if only that). More so than that of a boy? Quite probably.
But Ernst is a different sort of fellow. I try to imagine him between the thighs of a woman and I realize quite clearly that I don't believe he will be able to do it.
The Robel family is not the Rilow family, but they are respectable people. They have a large family (perhaps a bit too large though I suppose it makes me a bit disappointed in Father) yet of all these children they have but only one boy. One boy to continue the family name. They have one of the largest of families in town, I'm certain, and yet, if Ernst fails to procreate, he could single handedly destroy the family name.
I don't suppose he thinks of that.
I'd like to imagine someday that I might return to my hometown to find my old friend Ernst Robel, the town pastor with the pretty (and obedient!) wife and four or five healthy children running all ways. I'd like to bring my own children there (though I suspect they'd be more well behaved) and perhaps our eldest sons might become friends. Perhaps, indeed. They might spend days playing at the vineyard while their fathers, Ernst and I, spend those days together reminiscing about when we'd become fast friends thirty years before.
I'd like to imagine this happening but I, unlike my dear friend, am a realist.
Perhaps he'll find companionship with someone in those years we're apart. I don't suppose it will ever happen (few have the patience for him that I do) but it may at least satisfy him in a way his wife will never be able to. I myself suspect that I shall be satisfied with my wide, but I shan't say no to a boy on the side. As a man it will be more difficult. A man cannot let on to another that he has such sinful secrets (all men have them but its one of the rules, to keep quiet). But a boy, still young and smooth and unsure and questioning - I shall take him under my wing, teach him the ways of the world and how to successfully play the game.
Oh, yes, the game. The game that all adults play and that we young people are introduced to without knowing what it is we're learning.
Its not simply playing the game. Its to be sucessful at it, and consequently, to be able to cheat effectively.
Perhaps Ernst shall never Master the game. In fact I suspect he will fail miserably at it.
But I do hope that thirty years from now, he'll be happy, and he'll look back and think it was all so beautiful.
Hanschen Rilow
I had a very interesting discussion with Ernst today on the subject of marriage. Of course as soon as I'm finished with my schooling I shall take a wife and have children with her and make the Rilow name proud.
Its come to my attention, however, that I'm not so sure Ernst will be able to do the same. He's such a sentimentalist, coming up with these ideas of becoming a Pastor, having a lovely little wife who shall cook him warm apple pies and have dozens of children around him at all times, or some silly nonsense like that. Not to say that marriage or children or a pastoral post are feats of impossibility but rather I am afraid that Ernst does not have the ambition or the willpower or even the capabilities required to succeed in such a way. In truth, my experience has shown that despite and sinful or improper desire a boy might have for another boy, he might still lie with a woman. Its true that he may prefer the company of a boy but the act is hardly impossible. I myself find the physical company of a woman thrilling (if only that). More so than that of a boy? Quite probably.
But Ernst is a different sort of fellow. I try to imagine him between the thighs of a woman and I realize quite clearly that I don't believe he will be able to do it.
The Robel family is not the Rilow family, but they are respectable people. They have a large family (perhaps a bit too large though I suppose it makes me a bit disappointed in Father) yet of all these children they have but only one boy. One boy to continue the family name. They have one of the largest of families in town, I'm certain, and yet, if Ernst fails to procreate, he could single handedly destroy the family name.
I don't suppose he thinks of that.
I'd like to imagine someday that I might return to my hometown to find my old friend Ernst Robel, the town pastor with the pretty (and obedient!) wife and four or five healthy children running all ways. I'd like to bring my own children there (though I suspect they'd be more well behaved) and perhaps our eldest sons might become friends. Perhaps, indeed. They might spend days playing at the vineyard while their fathers, Ernst and I, spend those days together reminiscing about when we'd become fast friends thirty years before.
I'd like to imagine this happening but I, unlike my dear friend, am a realist.
Perhaps he'll find companionship with someone in those years we're apart. I don't suppose it will ever happen (few have the patience for him that I do) but it may at least satisfy him in a way his wife will never be able to. I myself suspect that I shall be satisfied with my wide, but I shan't say no to a boy on the side. As a man it will be more difficult. A man cannot let on to another that he has such sinful secrets (all men have them but its one of the rules, to keep quiet). But a boy, still young and smooth and unsure and questioning - I shall take him under my wing, teach him the ways of the world and how to successfully play the game.
Oh, yes, the game. The game that all adults play and that we young people are introduced to without knowing what it is we're learning.
Its not simply playing the game. Its to be sucessful at it, and consequently, to be able to cheat effectively.
Perhaps Ernst shall never Master the game. In fact I suspect he will fail miserably at it.
But I do hope that thirty years from now, he'll be happy, and he'll look back and think it was all so beautiful.
Hanschen Rilow