my life so far
well it seems like ppl are back into posting on lj. haha it seems only heartache or sorrow conceives writing. well i hope everyone is doin ok. stick it out, u'll make it. i like to believe that Life won't throw anything at you, that you can't handle.
but goin with my title, heh my life so far. wow. um...well i have to say, i base a lot of thinking branching off random things. my subject though is i guess a girl. heh. love struck and falling hard. that's what we seem to do. haha such a wussy at heart. but its true. i was and i'm pretty sure still am. yet, it's weird cuz there was no dating involved. just a lot of hanging out and closeness. it sucks though when that friendship seems to fade. and though i attempted to keep it up, it would fade even more. so how do i handle it? i tried to cut it off. turns out that approach slightly works. see, the thing was, i based my social life off of her. which was really really dumb. but at the same, it made me realize a lot of things. like...i'm willing to drop whatever is i'm doing to hang out with her, yet, i'm not as willin to do so with other friends. i view that as me being a really bad friend. heh. i guess i need to re-evaluate that tactic. so in this cut off though, i hung out with a lot of different people. some i normally don't as much and others that i lost base with. it was nice. yet i noticed it's really hard to build new strong friendships this far into the semester when they already have their close friendships. it's all a matter of time though. as time passes i'm sure i'll be closer to all them too. but, i also noticed that this is kind of harder for me at times. when i'm with a group of friends that i'm really close to, meaning the kids i came to this school with. heh on side note, i dunno what i'd do without them. i'm very sure if all events occurred the same, i'd be very lonely lately without them. i love them truely. but as i was saying, around them, i'm fully comfortable. i have no restraint on just being me. unfortunately though, around well i guess acquaintences i've made here, i can't do that. i can't be myself. when i'm with groups, i usually, feel that awkward silences on the occasion. or when they're all talking, i feel no input. i dunno what to say or have really the desire to say muh in the first place. it's weird. so like gettin closer seems harder to do. all in all though, this is really random pointless worry. ^_^ as i said earlier, this is something i KNOW i can handle.
i think though, i have to work on being more open. haha i know, Sam Kim, the hyper active kid who seems to be worry free and carefree about life, worried about opening up. but i do. i worry about how much of my emotion and thoughts are let out. i feel awkward at times, when people, i just got to know, are suddenly pouring out stories or emotions. but at the same time, i admire them too. they have the confidence to show their inner side. i think, i tend to front a nonchalant attitude. or maybe it's not really a front. its just when there is a convo goin on that i'm not part of or i'm not interested in, i'm not gonna fake interest or irrelavent input. i'm willing to listen though. i'm not sure how to put that out though. that desire. i mean, if a friend has a problem, i'm willing to listen. or am i? i want to. i dunno. sometimes, when people complain about really pointless things, i get this really noncaring attitude and just tell them to buck up. maybe its cuz i see their problem from a different side and can realize its really silly. yet, when it comes to my problems, i want my friends to listen to me. selfish? yea...although there was a point though, i'd complain and pour out everything to anyone willing to listen. i never want to be that desperate or low ever again. i lost like, my full sense of security. my guard on everythin was dropped completely. heh she would ask what was wrong at times, but how do u explain a problem to someone, when THEY are the problem? i mean, yea u should be honest and let them know. i kind of tried that too. i think that's one of the reasons we grew further apart.
with all these worries and thinkin about stupid matters that cause pointless drama in my head, i want to be different. i use to not care. heh of course, when i was like that, a lot of people didn't like me. but it felt great at times. i mean i was really really carefree about everything. in lack of better words and the desire to use simple terms, i frankly didn't give a shit what the hell anyone thought. but lately i really tried to change that. but with this new change, all i do is think and worry and feel as if i try too hard at times. like socially. i mean, i end up calling people to eat or hang out, and occasionally they'll ask me. but haha once again, that's just overthinking it i suppose. yea, it is. my suite always invites me, but i brush them off. hm...it seems as if, i'm just a hard person to satify huh? yea. i guess i really need to come to terms with, i can't be close to everyone. word. as much as i want to be. most likely i just want so much to happen, so quickly. yet, when i see some of these others, they seem to have got really close and some of them have only known each other this semester. i wonder at times, what did i do wrong? and sadly the answer does come. i did have someone like that. unfortunately i fell for her. heh i was really scared of this kind of situation in high school. thus, i didn't take certain chances. but...i took that chance. for once. haha and the fear i had the most happened. how ironic.
so...yea that's kind of what's been plagueing my mind lately. heh it goes on too. all this pointless stupid overanalyzing, just gets me mad at myself. like, i'm really a fucking pussy at heart. it just angers me that i seem to just care so much and worry so much. i'm a guy. i'm 18. i'm in college now. there's no need to be so damn immature about everything. in other words, i really need to Man-Up. i mean realistically, i have about 4 more years of college and then real life. everything i've been worrying about and pondering while walk around campus, is the same shit i worried about in high school. its really just kid shit. just crap that i don't need to be worrying about. instead there are bigger priorities i should be thinking about. like family dilemmas, classes, future, my own Christain life, and whatnot. those are real problems and things i should be focusing on. but no, instead i walk around crying in my head about a girl. how lame. how pathetic. how immature. heh yea that's my long rant.
if u actually read all of this, well, wow. i dunno if i could go back and read this without gettin bored or becoming angry at what an idiot i am. well on a real matter of life, i have only two more exams left. i need to catch up on a lil bit of sleep. i stayed up literally all through the night and studied for an exam i took today. gonna nap, then study more another exam tomorrow. later.
-sKim
but goin with my title, heh my life so far. wow. um...well i have to say, i base a lot of thinking branching off random things. my subject though is i guess a girl. heh. love struck and falling hard. that's what we seem to do. haha such a wussy at heart. but its true. i was and i'm pretty sure still am. yet, it's weird cuz there was no dating involved. just a lot of hanging out and closeness. it sucks though when that friendship seems to fade. and though i attempted to keep it up, it would fade even more. so how do i handle it? i tried to cut it off. turns out that approach slightly works. see, the thing was, i based my social life off of her. which was really really dumb. but at the same, it made me realize a lot of things. like...i'm willing to drop whatever is i'm doing to hang out with her, yet, i'm not as willin to do so with other friends. i view that as me being a really bad friend. heh. i guess i need to re-evaluate that tactic. so in this cut off though, i hung out with a lot of different people. some i normally don't as much and others that i lost base with. it was nice. yet i noticed it's really hard to build new strong friendships this far into the semester when they already have their close friendships. it's all a matter of time though. as time passes i'm sure i'll be closer to all them too. but, i also noticed that this is kind of harder for me at times. when i'm with a group of friends that i'm really close to, meaning the kids i came to this school with. heh on side note, i dunno what i'd do without them. i'm very sure if all events occurred the same, i'd be very lonely lately without them. i love them truely. but as i was saying, around them, i'm fully comfortable. i have no restraint on just being me. unfortunately though, around well i guess acquaintences i've made here, i can't do that. i can't be myself. when i'm with groups, i usually, feel that awkward silences on the occasion. or when they're all talking, i feel no input. i dunno what to say or have really the desire to say muh in the first place. it's weird. so like gettin closer seems harder to do. all in all though, this is really random pointless worry. ^_^ as i said earlier, this is something i KNOW i can handle.
i think though, i have to work on being more open. haha i know, Sam Kim, the hyper active kid who seems to be worry free and carefree about life, worried about opening up. but i do. i worry about how much of my emotion and thoughts are let out. i feel awkward at times, when people, i just got to know, are suddenly pouring out stories or emotions. but at the same time, i admire them too. they have the confidence to show their inner side. i think, i tend to front a nonchalant attitude. or maybe it's not really a front. its just when there is a convo goin on that i'm not part of or i'm not interested in, i'm not gonna fake interest or irrelavent input. i'm willing to listen though. i'm not sure how to put that out though. that desire. i mean, if a friend has a problem, i'm willing to listen. or am i? i want to. i dunno. sometimes, when people complain about really pointless things, i get this really noncaring attitude and just tell them to buck up. maybe its cuz i see their problem from a different side and can realize its really silly. yet, when it comes to my problems, i want my friends to listen to me. selfish? yea...although there was a point though, i'd complain and pour out everything to anyone willing to listen. i never want to be that desperate or low ever again. i lost like, my full sense of security. my guard on everythin was dropped completely. heh she would ask what was wrong at times, but how do u explain a problem to someone, when THEY are the problem? i mean, yea u should be honest and let them know. i kind of tried that too. i think that's one of the reasons we grew further apart.
with all these worries and thinkin about stupid matters that cause pointless drama in my head, i want to be different. i use to not care. heh of course, when i was like that, a lot of people didn't like me. but it felt great at times. i mean i was really really carefree about everything. in lack of better words and the desire to use simple terms, i frankly didn't give a shit what the hell anyone thought. but lately i really tried to change that. but with this new change, all i do is think and worry and feel as if i try too hard at times. like socially. i mean, i end up calling people to eat or hang out, and occasionally they'll ask me. but haha once again, that's just overthinking it i suppose. yea, it is. my suite always invites me, but i brush them off. hm...it seems as if, i'm just a hard person to satify huh? yea. i guess i really need to come to terms with, i can't be close to everyone. word. as much as i want to be. most likely i just want so much to happen, so quickly. yet, when i see some of these others, they seem to have got really close and some of them have only known each other this semester. i wonder at times, what did i do wrong? and sadly the answer does come. i did have someone like that. unfortunately i fell for her. heh i was really scared of this kind of situation in high school. thus, i didn't take certain chances. but...i took that chance. for once. haha and the fear i had the most happened. how ironic.
so...yea that's kind of what's been plagueing my mind lately. heh it goes on too. all this pointless stupid overanalyzing, just gets me mad at myself. like, i'm really a fucking pussy at heart. it just angers me that i seem to just care so much and worry so much. i'm a guy. i'm 18. i'm in college now. there's no need to be so damn immature about everything. in other words, i really need to Man-Up. i mean realistically, i have about 4 more years of college and then real life. everything i've been worrying about and pondering while walk around campus, is the same shit i worried about in high school. its really just kid shit. just crap that i don't need to be worrying about. instead there are bigger priorities i should be thinking about. like family dilemmas, classes, future, my own Christain life, and whatnot. those are real problems and things i should be focusing on. but no, instead i walk around crying in my head about a girl. how lame. how pathetic. how immature. heh yea that's my long rant.
if u actually read all of this, well, wow. i dunno if i could go back and read this without gettin bored or becoming angry at what an idiot i am. well on a real matter of life, i have only two more exams left. i need to catch up on a lil bit of sleep. i stayed up literally all through the night and studied for an exam i took today. gonna nap, then study more another exam tomorrow. later.
-sKim